Thanks for all the replies!
@Young at Heart
Yes, what Michele Weiner-Davis
says in the video resonates with me exactly. It's so crazy how she nails exactly how I feel about this whole sex situation.
Regarding your rule # 1, this was never an issue at the beginning of our relationship; it kind of sneaked in the back door as time went on.
Yeah, I'm not worried about her finding other actors attractive but the part that bothers me is that this lead into a discussion of how often she masturbates and she tells me that she does masturbate which shocked the hell out of me. I'm like, you know how important sex is to me and you are masturbating instead of trying to have sex with me? And she's like well sometimes I do it because it's just easier and faster.
It's just so hard to get her to understand how important intimacy/sex is to me. I've told her in the past that sex is not just sex, it's a lot more important to me because when we don't have sex it just makes me feel distant and not as close to her anymore. I try to explain it to her by saying it's probably exactly like how you feel if you don't get any affection.
She goes on to say well it's a lot easier for you to show me affection than it is for us to have sex, basically saying it takes a lot more work to have sex than to give her a hug/kiss. And I'm like, of course it's easier than hugs/kisses but that's not what it should be about; it's about me being unhappy and feeling like a roommate to you instead of being a lover/husband for you.
And exactly how Michele Weiner-Davis
says in her video; by her never wanting to be intimate with me it doesn't make me want to be affectionate with her because I feel so distant from her.
She goes on to say that it's not just me, all of my friends and most girls feel the same way about sex. And again, I'm like I know this is not a problem unique to only us, hence TAM forum, but I'm not concerned with how your friends handle sex with their husbands or how other girls feel...I'm trying to tell you what makes me happy.
Last discussion we had, she goes on to say I'm trying to be a good wife for you; I cook dinner, do the laundry, tell you how handsome you are, buy you gifts, tell you how much I appreciate everything you do...I've done everything except strip down naked and jump your bones but you still seem annoyed/distant with me.
I didn't want to bring up the sex again because we have had the same talk before so I just kept my mouth shut, but in my head when she said "I've done everything for you except strip down naked and jump your bones
" I just wanted to scream!!! It's so frustrating to hear that from her; I don't care about the other things if she would have just done that 1 thing it would have made me the happiest husband in the world and would have brought me so much closer to her in terms of affection.
She says, so if we never have sex you can't love me and be affectionate it with me. And that's not the case I still love her with all my heart; but exactly how "Michele Weiner-Davis
" describes it; knowing my wife doesn't crave sex with me does hurt and makes me feel distant. I have asked her the same thing in the past, if I showed you ZERO affection would you still be happy and want to be with me, and she has said NO I wouldn't be happy and able to be with you because there would be a void that I would constantly feel.
I feel like when it comes to "sex" there is never a "light bulb moment" in her head...so your "affectionate" needs are more important than my "sexual" needs?
I feel "affection (hugs/kisses)" and "intimacy (sex)" should always be both equally important; one should not be more important than the other. It's not about one being easier to perform than the other; I feel both play very important roles to the importance of a happy marriage. I know stress, jobs, everyday life, etc. can effect all aspects of a relationship but I feel like no matter how hard or not in the mood you're in that we should always make it a priority to meet each other's "affectionate" and "intimate" needs.
So going back when she says "so if we never have sex you can't love me and be affectionate it with me", I don't think it should ever even get to this point. If we are meeting each others needs then this isn't even an issue.
This is the part that kills me she always says I know how important sex is to you...no, no you don't because you still don't initiate or give the slightest sign that you want to have sex with me.