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Female Sex Addicts?

7K views 47 replies 27 participants last post by  ChargingCharlie 
#1 ·
My W has always been HD since I met her 25 yrs ago. But during a period of 3yrs (which we affectionately call the "dark ages" when we were separated/virtually divorced) from 2002 to 2004, she has said that she was totally addicted to sex.

She had several partners during that period, mostly married guys who were addicted as well. I spoke with one of them and he confirmed the arrangement. She was also drinking a lot during this period. And was dealing with some undiagnosed/untreated MH conditions.

So how common is it for ladies to be sex addicts? The stories about male sex addicts are legion (Bill Clinton, etc).
 
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#3 ·
To me, addiction means a behavior that a person feels drawn to, but they also must make a decision to go forward with. Not an excuse, but an understanding of the condition. The dictionary defines it as "compulsive engagement in rewarding stimuli, despite adverse consequences".

My W indicated that the "rush" from sexual release is very appealing, especially for someone with BPD if left untreated. At the time, she had a part time job selling vibrators and other sex novelty items, so she had a large personal collection of toys to use. But as she indicated, it was not the same. "I wanted the social interaction, I wanted to feel a heartbeat, body to body." And quite bluntly, she said "there has been nothing invented yet than can properly simulate the feeling of a man's tongue and the response it evokes".
 
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#5 ·
Good evening
I would call it "addiction" if she found she was unable to stop herself from having sex with men. If she made a conscious decision to do so, and simply chose not to stop, I would not consider it an addiction.

There may be moral issues with sleeping with married men, but I don't see it as a psychological / addiction issue.
 
#9 ·
I think all of the female sex addicts are staying locked away with all of the female sex offenders and serial killers for some reason.
 
#12 ·
My first wife was over the top when it came to sex. At first it was great but as time went on she became demanding and got really ugly when it came to sex. With me it got to the point that it wasn't fun any more because of her attitude and behavior and it became a job.

Towards the end I couldn't stand being around her and it go to the point that one night I was really really tired from work and I went to bed and the next thin I know is she woke me up and she had a knife in one hand and my penis in the other hand and she was making threats.

When it gets to that point, it wouldn't matter if she was a super model, that kind of thing isn't a way to put you in the mood or to be around. Glad that's over and done with.
 
#16 ·
I don't think she was addicted to sex. What she liked was the fact that guys were paying attention to her, "liked" her and she fed off that.

Granted that the guys "liked" her because they were getting laid, but from your wife's view, your wife... who was separated from you and probably feeling unloved, ugly, insecure... needed the constant reinforcement that sexually connecting with guys provided.
 
#17 · (Edited)
Maybe, but we all don't know his old lady. I know mine and she just wanted a good time. Sure I know she felt valued when she was looking down at some guys face between her legs, but the point is she was looking for love in all the wrong places.

At the very least,maybe our chicks are addicted to attention and don't mind paying for the attention.....and that currency to buy that attention is sex.

At the end of the night my old lady was finding guys she saw as having a good time with. I mean one can get attention from any Joe shmo ....why not pick one that will give you a happy ending?
 
#18 ·
I think it might have been a combination of the two things - liking sex, and looking for attention.

I wouldn't say it was an addiction, given your description, more a need or a desire for two things that were important to her and missing.

Given that it's not that difficult for a woman to get these two things makes it all that much easier. When something is readily available, and the person views it as a need, then it's extremely easy to fall into a habit.
 
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#21 ·
My ex-GF definitely showed signs of sex addiction after she quit taking her meds for BPD. She went hyper-sexual and was carrying on multiple online affairs, swapping pics with tons of guys, taking pictures of herself acting out at work, viewing a ton of porn. Within days of me moving out, she had a string of guys coming over and was consumed by acting out. Went from a pretty normal "girl next door" type to a woman I didn't even recognize. Read a book about bi-polar women and how they can go off the deep end with sex if nobody stops them. I ran away, discreetly told her family that the path she was on would lead to disease at best and getting physically hurt at worst. Then it was their problem to deal with, not mine.
 
#22 ·
Close friend of wife is highly sexual - wouldn't classify her as an addict as she's not looking to get it outside of her marriage. She and her husband just have sex all the time - they've done it in every conceivable place you can think of, and have been caught by their child a couple of times - this has forced them to put on a movie for her and head out to the car.
 
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#30 ·
There was a time I wondered about being a sex addict. I was involved with something sexual and arousing during the bulk of my time awake; masturbating, having sex, or reading, writing an editing erotic/porn stories....all day every day. But there were several thing happening at the time and I believe it was a convergence of events and situations about which I sought escape through sex.

So I'm a skeptic wrt addiction to sex...for anyone male or female. What is really going on is escapist coping. Life was stressful and I escaped to cope. I think this is what most "sex addicts" are doing. Instead of dealing with and directly coping with whatever is going on, they escape through sex.

Particularly if your wife has BPD. The desire/need for intimacy but the fear of engulfment is the perfect storm for meaningless hookups. Being separated from you would have sent her into a tizzy getting her need for intimacy met.
 
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#31 ·
Some ladies have high sex drives HD like most of us guys.

Doesn't make those ladies addicts. They just have a high healthy sex drive and their main love language is Physical (sexual) instead of more emotional.

A good friend of mine has a gf that is HD and he is more Average Drive, 3x week.

If she doesn't get sex with him for 3 days in a row, watch out!!!

He has complained to me about this and I told him, enjoy it while this lasts.....

She is now due with their second child any week now and still has a high sex drive.

To me, an addict is someone who can't go 24 hours without going crazy.

I wish more ladies were HD instead of LD.....most of TAM would be GONE. :grin2:
 
#45 ·
I go back and forth on this. I think a woman can be addicted to having orgasms, but she just really likes a man who uses his natural "tools" to help her get there. Otherwise, a vibrator would do the trick.
My fWW has stated (during the dark years) she really missed feeling "the warmth, our shared heartbeat thru the chest, feet rubbing together, passionate kissing, etc" and of course the "tongue tornado":grin2:.
 
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