NessaRae

I've been married for two years, and I've been with my husband for seven years total. We're both 23 and college graduates. I'm going back to college for another B.A. for the purposes of gathering more experience to be accepted into graduate school. In the meantime my husband works retail (as do I) and is essentially waiting on my acceptance into graduate school before exploring more options for his education. He feels bored and anxious to move and start somewhere new - I share his feelings to a degree, but I still feel like I need to build on my education. I am going to try to get into another school through my university in another state, but that will be at least another year of waiting. So that's where we are in life.

In our relationship, we are great friends, we have fun together, and we love most of the same things. We have fun in similar ways, and I am working on becoming fit so we can do active things together. He is naturally athletic - he's been sitting around for two or three years, but any day of the week he can go out for a mile run and not break a sweat.

In our marriage, though, I feel like things are slowing down. Within the past four weeks we have had sex twice. That's it. This is the worst it's ever been. And I'm pretty sure one of those two times was out of pity on his part. Our anniversary was within the last four weeks... that was not one of the two times we had sex.

He views most things in terms of power plays - I, however, do not. He talks about treating each other as equals, but in many situations it feels like he is trying to get the upper hand even when there's no upper hand to get! He loves to argue, and will pick fights just so I'll argue with him.

Before we got married we didn't live together, but we had sex fairly regularly. Even in the first year of marriage I only felt occasionally as if I wasn't getting enough intimacy from my husband. This past year I'm lucky if I get sex once a week.

So, I started letting him know that, "Hey, I'm not happy with this." I admitted that I experience love physically - if I am not receiving a form of physical love from him, I feel unloved. Even if it is clear we are happy and in love, unless I am being snuggled, kissed, hugged, and sexed, I feel unloved. When I feel unloved I feel unattractive, unworthy, unlovable, and all that negative stuff that goes with it. That is how I feel right now. I try to work past it, but I can't.

My husband grew up hardly being hugged, and probably never being kissed or snuggled. I hardly even hear him tell his parents he loves them over the phone. He views snuggling me more as a duty to me rather than what he wants to do at any given time.

My husband told me if I have a problem with the number of times we have sex, I need to do something about it. I need to initiate.

Okay.

I tried everything to let him know what I was thinking and he rejected me flat out. He'd push my hands away from his sensitive parts, even when I was trying to be careful and slow.

He says I need to be able to be chased - to play hard to get.

HOW ON EARTH CAN I PLAY "HARD TO GET" WHEN WHAT I WANT SO BADLY I NEVER GET?!?! I play "Take What I Can Get"! One thing I did try was to sit around naked less often on his suggestion since we pretty much always lounge around naked together - to kind of hide the things he wants to see to kind of entice him. That didn't really help, either.

He told me I'm communicating with him wrong sexually. I need to find myself attractive and feel good about myself.

Okay. I admit it - I've always had self esteem problems through our entire relationship.

I start working out, trying to eat right, trying to keep up the house and all that stuff that makes me feel good. I had more energy, and was more positive than I had been. I started showering everyday rather than every other day, and brushing my teeth two times a day instead of just at night. No improvement. And like I said, when I don't get sex, I feel unattractive and unlovable, so it's a hopeless cycle.

I tried to ignore how unhappy I was and to just appreciate the time we have together. But whenever we're alone and have time together, my husband is on his laptop. So, feeling rejected, I get on my laptop and we just share mutual space. I know it's not a constructive way to cope, but he obviously does not feel the same way about physical contact as I do.

For our anniversaries we always do something special alone. This year, our second wedding anniversary and our seventh anniversary overall, my husband's idea of an anniversary was to go to the Renaissance Fair... with our brothers. We each have a brother, both are named David, they both are going to culinary school and they are roommates with each other two hours away from us. We're close to our brothers, especially my husband to his brother. I love spending time with our brothers... but on OUR ANNIVERSARY?! When I explained to him that spending our anniversary with family was unacceptable we made a date to go to dinner another evening and spend the day out of town, but ultimately we still spent our actual anniversary day with our brothers.

Anytime we talk about doing something fun like traveling, I imagine us alone in the car on the open road, he envisions us in the front seats, our brothers in the back seat... either that or he and his brother in the front seat, I'm not entirely sure. It's easy to feel jealous of his relationship with his brother because my husband is a philosopher, I'm a scientist, and he gets his philosophy fix from his brother to the point of completely ignoring me, even when I'm desperately trying to get his attention for something important.

Last night we were both tired and agreed we should go to bed, but he always stays up annoyingly late despite how tired he is to the point where I am used to either falling asleep alone, or sleeping alone through the night. So I went upstairs before him and lit a bunch of candles so everything was in a warm flickering light - very romantic. Excited, I made the bed, got naked, and waited for a few minutes. He didn't come, so I called him upstairs.
He finally came upstairs, with his laptop, and saw all the candles. He seemed happy about them and I laid on the bed smiling at him. He gets in bed, without shutting his laptop, and starts talking to me about politics. So I share that with him for a while rather than taking offense, and after a while try to start snuggling. He kept being on his laptop. I eventually asked him to close it so we could appreciate the candlelight together. He snuggled me for a short while and then he decided to take a shower. I was too tired to wait for him to finish up (he really needed a shower but I had just showered that afternoon) and so I fell asleep.

Tonight he said he was waiting for me to come home and how glad he was that I was home. I cuddled him and tried to kind of grope him suggestively, but he passed out.

The last time we had sex was surrounded by terrible events. We had a fight because instead of wanting to watch another episode of a show I wanted to take a shower at two o'clock with him before going to work at 4 o'clock so we could have extra time together snuggling. Usually after we shower together we are very cuddly, clean, and, of course, naked so it can sometimes lead to sex - the last time we had sex before this point was two weeks previous. He told me I was just trying to control shower time and whether we had time before or after a shower made no difference and so he turned on the episode. He also told me I don't take into consideration what he wants to do (rather than snuggling). He saw how upset this made me and he told me, "Fine, take a shower!" So I did, and he followed, trying to pick a fight the whole time. I finally explained that I wanted a shower with him at 2 o'clock not only for more time to have post-shower snuggling, but also so we could have sex. He had told me the day previous he didn't want to have sex until we took a shower together, but he kept postponing it all day until he fell asleep that night. By the time I told him this it was time to go to work - he felt bad about our fight and wanted to comfort me (I was so upset at that point I could barely keep from crying in front of him) but it was too late, I had to leave for work.
We had sex the next day, but I'm pretty sure it was out of pity on his part.

I don't know what's happened to our sex lives - he tells me he's still attracted to me and he wants to have sex with me, and yet it never happens. He watches porn and masturbates frequently, but that has been consistent across our relationship so I don't feel like that is a factor. Heck, half of his porn is pics of me he saves on his laptop. I feel like we are both still in love, we're young, and all the right things that should mean more sex.

I have gained a lot of weight since we started dating, probably 40-50 lbs, but like I said, I'm at least trying to lose it and he has never implied that I'm less attractive - he openly ogles me and gropes me and tells me how sexy and beautiful I am even when I feel ugly and unattractive. There is nothing to imply he's cheating on me, nor that he ever has or even wants to. He's home when he's supposed to be, he's at work when he should be (not that I ever check) and he doesn't really hang out with anybody outside of our brothers.

I have been unfaithful in the past twice. Once in the second year of our relationship - there was no sex, just kisses and shared feelings over the course of one week at the end of my freshman year of college, and I admitted it to him right away and made the decision that he (my then boyfriend) was the one I wanted. It took us a while to work past it and it was followed by another unintentional mistake the next year - totally unintentional but stupid, got passed out drunk alone with a male friend and he took advantage of me. I had a hard enough time coping with what happened to me let alone what I was doing to my relationship with my faithful boyfriend. I didn't admit it to him until years later, but he claims he pretty much knew the whole time and was waiting for me to tell him.
Both times were when I felt unloved by him, and I haven't done anything since to jeopardize our relationship because I now know the kinds of things that will lead to cheating for me so I avoid them entirely (alone time with guys, that kind of thing) and I made the decision that I was in it with my man for the long haul so no one else could ever be in the picture.

I don't know what to do. I feel so alone, I have no one to talk to about this kind of stuff, and when I try to talk to him about how I'm feeling he tells me I'm trying to make him feel bad so I don't even want to talk about it anymore. I just want to feel loved by my husband, but he doesn't seem to understand that basic need that I have even though I've told him explicitly.

I'm up right now talking about this because my husband passed out, and I couldn't sleep. I could only cry about how lonely and unloved I feel. He's the only one I've ever been in a serious relationship with, the only one I've ever had a mature love for, and the only one I feel could understand me and appreciate me for who I am. And even though I have had sex once outside of our relationship, I can barely remember it, I didn't initiate it, and I'd prefer to pretend it just never happened for my own sanity since it was basically a form of rape.

My husband is my one and only, I feel no desire to leave him or find another lover, I love him and I will love him forever... I just want to have more regular sex. But the more irregular our sex becomes the less loved I feel, the more apprehensive I feel about sex, and the less I even try to let him know when I'm thinking about sex.

Syrum

If you feel no desire to leave him, and are happy being miserable, then so be it.

But I say this. He either has some massive sexual issues or some massive control issues and is being abusive by denying sex.

As for this, yes porn is a huge problem. It is one of the leading problems couples go to marriage counseling about these days. porn is highly addictive, creates unrealistic expectations, can lead men to find their real life lovers less attractive and often cause men to not want to have sex. there is something very wrong if he is watching porn and masturbating but not wanting sex with you. I would recommend you ask that he completely stops watching porn.

You have every right to expect and receive love and affection and sex from your husband on a very regular basis.

These problems will not get better on their own. You need Individual counseling and marital counseling. He also need to get checked out physically (although if he's masturbating and watching porn it's highly unlikely to be physical). If you cannot solve these issues it is highly likely that you will either end up leaving or seek affection outside of your marriage.

You must make your husband understand that it will ruin your marriage, and you are very young, far to young to settle for this type of a life.

Locard

I would cut the H some slack, in the tome (I did read it all) she did admit to cheating on him and seems to blame everything but herself....yet she resents him for pressureing her into sex to soon???? This is clearly not one sided sexual disfunction.

OP, how does you H feel about spending a boatload of money so you can get another degree in order to spend a boatload more money for another degree? That is a HUGE gamble that MIGHT pay off, it MIGHT NOT!! Do you have student loans now?

Is it possible that he is not on board with this plan and is resenting this? I think you may be living in the clouds and he may be living on earth in a sense.

NessaRae

My husband is very supportive of me going back to school - he wants me to realize my dream of receiving a PhD in Neuroscience so I can research schizophrenia's genesis and treatment. He only recently decided he wants to be a professor of philosophy within that last couple of months. In fact, I mentioned those factors in the original post because I do feel guilty about him waiting and I don't take it for granted, but it is ultimately his choice, and he wants to wait until I'm situated in graduate school. I'm very grateful to have someone so understanding and patient as my husband. We have discussed these things throughout our relationship, and he is seeking extra education in French and possibly more philosophy (his B.A.) while we wait to try and transfer to another school which will hopefully happen in a year (it's a year-long application process, that's the reason for the wait). One of the reasons I'm excited about transferring through my university is going to another state will cost the same as my current university (which is the cheapest university in my state, only $6,000 a year), it has a neuroscience lab (which my university does not), a marine biology lab, and it also has a great philosophy department that my husband is very interested in. It seems like a perfect match!
And I do realize that breaking my husband's trust in the past could have caused residual problems - I was seventeen the first time it happened in college while my husband (bf at the time) was two hours away, and nineteen the second time it happened (both of us at the same college, though it happened over the summer), and I was definitely naive in thinking I could have "friend time" with a single guy, alone, with alcohol involved. I'm not saying it's an excuse, but I am saying I've grown a lot since then and I would never do anything to jeopardize his trust again.
I understand you wanting to classify me as a cheater, but teenagers do stupid things, and I've spent the past four years, two of those years are years of marriage, staying true to my man and plan to be true to him for the next 70 years. I wouldn't have married him if I didn't think I could stay true to him. I've definitely learned my lesson (unfortunately the hard way), and my husband knows that I have eyes for no one but him and that I make conscious efforts to keep myself out of trouble. Even when I go out with girlfriends to the bar once a month, I never go unless my husband is invited (which he always is, they bring their boyfriends, too). I have a male friend in our old hometown, I never visit him alone without my husband.
In other words, I never said I was not at fault. There were a lot of things I mentioned BECAUSE I wanted to offer an entire image of the kind of people we both are, my downfalls and his downfalls.
In this case, I'm not really sure what I am doing wrong, I guess, which is why I feel so frustrated because I have tried to change the things that I do but with no positive results. And not just a piddly one day change, I mean changes over the course of weeks. I think that, in and of itself, shows that I'm committed to fixing whatever I'm doing wrong... whenever I can figure out what that is.

Scannerguard

Diagnosis as a doctor myself (good luck on your doctorate):

The sexuality in your marriage is very dysfunctional. You both need a charge of mental and physical health - so I'd recommend a dual pronged approach of wellness (losing weight) and some kind of therapy aimed at establishing normal sexuality.

Frankly, at 23 years old, it shouldn't be that hard for the both of you to copulate.

__________________
And maybe I seem a bit confused. . .but maybe, I got you pegged! Ha! Don't know what to do about those tossed salad and scrambled eggs. . .they're posting again. Scannerguard has left the building.

NessaRae

@Syrum I have been contemplating counseling (the degree I have is in psychology, I appreciate the idea of counseling more than most people! lol), but I'm not sure if my husband would think we need it - he does, however, understand the value of counseling through talking to me about it. I definitely have considered individual counseling as well (which he has stated many times that I need...), I just need to make a move on it. The only counseling I could afford is through my psych department at school, but I have to schedule it around classes and work which can be very difficult and has proven to be a barrier for me in the past. Imagine my desperation after receiving a call back from the counseling center with them telling me the only availability they have is during my classes... that was a dark day, indeed. I know, I know, excuses excuses. I'm definitely going to make an effort at the beginning of this semester to seek counseling rather than in the middle of the semester like I did before.
Sometimes I do feel like he uses sex as a method of control - he admitted that I am "far too easy" when I complained that we only have sex when he wants to, never when I want to. By that statement I mean even if I am being clear with him about my desire for sex, he will reject me most of the time. But if he thinks it is time for sex one day, who am I to say no? He even mentioned that it was true we have sex when he wants to because he is the dominant one (I'm paraphrasing, but that is essentially what he said). It's hard to muster the confidence necessary to approach him for sex anymore - I'm definitely a "once burned twice shy" kind of person.
When I try to tell him it hurts me when he withholds sex from me he tells me to do something about it, or he tells me to stop trying to make him feel bad about it. I explain to him the changes I've made (I even dyed my hair the day after he mentioned seeing a cute red-headed girl in a store a couple of months ago) but he says I'm missing the point, and that I don't understand. Maybe I am, but I don't know how I can misunderstand direct instructions he's given me in the past. Maybe I'm just not doing it correctly?
Sometimes we'll be very intimate to the point where I think sex is about to happen, but then he stops and goes back to doing his own thing (reading on the internet). I did that to him once to illustrate how frustrating it can be and even verbally explained to him what I was doing, and trust me, I never want to do that again! He was furious and took nothing away from my demonstration except that I was a jerk.
I am considering asking him to abstain from porn for a week or two to see if anything changes. I don't want him to do anything that will upset him or hurt him, so I think I'll ask him to see if he agrees to this experiment. Maybe it will be a learning experience for both of us. Maybe nothing will change. We shall see.

NessaRae

I want to thank everyone for their time on this... I am the most long-winded person I know, and the fact that you guys are reading and responding is very valuable to me. It's hard dealing with something like this alone, as I have been doing. Just... thanks a lot.

michzz

You have not dealt with your infidelity properly. The resultant sexless marriage cannot be addressed separately.

As long as you avoid responsibility for your own actions your marriage cannot be repaired.

Your h is still reacting to that terrible episode.
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Stonewall

Being a teenager doesn't make it any easier on him. It still hurts just as much. That kind of hurt isn't cured quickly. If you want it to work out you going to have to stick with it MC is in order here as well as a lot of understanding and introspection. It can work out. The only question is how bad do you want it to and are you willing to go the distance.

Good luck, I hope the best for you both!

NessaRae

@michzz How do I deal with my infidelity properly? This isn't a defensive or angry question at all, but an earnest one. We've talked a lot about it and I've apologized and taken responsibility for my actions... am I missing something that is hurting my marriage? Maybe it's something I'm too eager to try and forget while it's something that is still a problem for him. I used to cry a lot about having betrayed him - every time I looked at his precious face that's all I could think. He finally said that I needed to understand that he forgives me and that he loves me. He explained that I would have to show him that he can trust me, but also that I would have to move on from what happened. My husband is a very forward thinking person and an optimist.

@Stonewall Maybe you're right - maybe this sexlessness is in response to my admitting what happened... I only told him about the drunken thing within the last year even though it happened four years ago. I had been too embarrassed and ashamed to tell him... being taken advantage of while passed out drunk is pretty much rape, but I know I put myself in that situation in the first place so I still felt too guilty to tell him I had put myself in that situation let alone that what happened had happened... I didn't think it would make anything better to tell him, but I knew I couldn't keep secrets from him. I love him too much... I didn't want to tell him because I didn't want to hurt him, but ultimately the truth is the best thing - I don't want secrets or lies between us. My husband is a deeply sensitive person even if he doesn't show it too often. He doesn't want to make me feel guilty by bringing it up, but maybe it's something he's still dealing with alone. I can barely stand that thought.

michzz

Processing your cheating takes more than an apology. That is only a start. Words only add up if followed by behavior changes.

Understanding why you did it, beyond what you've described in this forum, would be useful.

You two need professional intervention.

BTW, he may have too quickly told you he forgave you and was trying to move past it. It is not an easy thing to know your one and only has parted her legs for someone else.

And that is how a man feels it and visualizes their cheating wife.

Getting past that and finding room for trust and a return to affection?

It takes years even for the best of reconciliations.

Seems as though you think that parading around in your undies should make it all fine with him. If he is traumatized by your cheating, frankly, that is a reminder of what you were doing with someone else.

NessaRae

@michzz I dunno if you're trolling, or if you're just not paying attention. Although I have written a lot here, so the latter is somewhat forgivable, though if you're not paying attention you shouldn't respond. I made it clear all of the things I've done to make sure that I stay true, and these things are easy - no alone time with guys AT ALL. I don't even go out to bars with my friends WITHOUT MY HUSBAND. Heck, I don't even really have male friends - the one I have lives two hours away and I never visit him or talk to him without my husband being there. I'm completely serious. My husband knows where I am at all times, and he knows the people I am with. There was no "simple apology", it was agonizing months of trying to make it up to him and move on and doing what I could to make him understand that I am a trustworthy individual, which I am. So not only have I apologized with more than just a few words, I have more than followed up with my behavior to show him I mean business and that our marriage is my primary concern. Even having only had sex twice in the span of a month it would never cross my mind to seek out other sexual options because no one can measure up to even a fraction of what my husband is to me. He's my best friend, my companion and my lover.
And I also made it clear that the motivating factor for me was feeling unloved and ignored - first when we were two hours apart and I would wait all night for his call on Sundays (he was usually busy) and he would talk to me for a measly five minutes while completely distracted with friends when I had been missing him all day, second when he kept having time to himself to come visit me (I didn't have a car, he did) when we lived two hours apart over the summer and he said he'd rather have the time alone.
And I never paraded in my undies for anyone, ever, I never "parted my legs" for anyone. I was taken advantage of while I was practically asleep. For you to suggest such things is extremely insulting... unless you think all rape victims are just spreading their legs and parading in underwear and their husbands or SOs should be totally pissed and ashamed of them. And I don't "parade in my undies" in front of my husband (unless we're being silly together, in which case he is always happy to see it), we both lounge around the house pretty much naked all the time. It's freaking awesome. He won't even get dressed to answer the door - he'd rather ignore it and stay naked. But that's what I meant by trying to cover up more around him to maybe entice him rather than him just seeing the goods all the time.
And I wasn't "a cheating wife", we were dating at the time, we weren't even committed to marriage at the time. Like I said, we've only been married two years and these things happened many years ago.
If he was "too quick to forgive," I don't think he would have asked me to marry him years afterward.
And you probably are just trolling, in which case this reply will be worthless, but I don't mind standing up for myself anyway.

that_girl

I think it just takes time and continuous open communicate from you.

Building trust is hard. I am learning how to do it now (from childhood issues) and even though my husband doesn't do things to break my trust, it does happen and i have to rebuild. I begin to trust more when he gets into the pattern of being honest and open with me.

I wish you the best.

michzz

I'm sorry, did I misunderstand that you were married and in a committed relationship even before that?

You defined, not me.


This is where I got the undies comment that set you off. Where did I misinterpret?


You went off with another man and called it unfaithful. Again, you defined it as so.

I'm not buying it that you just kissed some guy. And the excuse of him taking advantage of you and you thought he loved you?

I'm sorry, that does a disservice to people who have been attacked. I plain do not believe your excuse.

I am not a troll, just have seen your type of posting, not taking responsibility and having a partner who is still disturbed by it.

I still think you have not taken responsibility for your "lapses" in a fully candid way. I suspect your husband feels similarly.

That the two of you have a warped sex life is follow on disturbance. all of it should be addressed with a professional.

Minimizing your infidelity and saying it was even something else? Not good.

That you were not married at the time hardly matters.

Catherine602

Nessa if you did not have MC (although you were not married at the time) I strongly suggest that you and your husband do so. Although the cheating occurred years ago, I don't think that you or your husband worked through this issue to come to a resolution.

I think you need to do this ASAP. Your schedule for school needs to work around your therapy. If you need to take a break from school for a semester to work on the direction you and your husband will take that may be best. Your plans are excellent. It will be difficult but rewarding. It may be better in the long run to steer en your marriage before taking on this additional stress.

My suggestion to back off from approachng your husband for sex for the time being. May be hard at first but may be best for your future. In the same vain, dont talk about it either. Ifhe wants to have sex it may be best not to refuse him though.

When the cheating occurred, your were both teens and you may not have the emotional maturity to recover completely. I think that this your husband may be having a late effect. What I mean is that now, he more mature than when this happened and he is looking at the experience with more mature eyes.

I also think that your rape has had a profound negative effect on you. You have had an extremely traumatic occurrence, a so called friend had sex with you without your consent. No matter what others say that is rape. Not only that if this was a friend, it was a violation of trust.

Your reaction of hoping that he loved you may have been an attempt to deney that your friend actually rapped you. He got away with a crime. You have not processed this adequately. Somewhere in there you have anger at you self and at him.

Another thing i want to mention is tgat I would strongly against having your husband take any pictures of you. If he can show you the love that you need then I would not trust that his desire to take pictures of you is an expression of live. It seems to be a manipulation to get you to do it.

Who knows what he will do with them. Don't let him manipulate you into doing anything sexually to prove anything to him. Your love love him and he needs to show he loves you and has your best interest at heart. I would also advise to cover up for the time being and cool things down with him.

You probably understand power in relationships. Right now you are showing him far more love than he is showing you. Your show of love should match his. Never give more than you get because that decreases you value. Work on your self and don't decrease you dependence on him. Don't be more available to him than he is to you. It may be good to Develop some independence along with your interdependence.

Only you know your relationship so don't take any advice that does not resonate with what you know of yourself, your husband and your relationship. Don't take any attempts to shame you. Never feel shame just resolve to be a better woman and wife. You seem to be well on your way. The very best of luck. With all of your endeavors.
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