I have not had real sex with my wife in over a year. What can I do?
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Sex in Marriage Sexual problems are common in many relationships. This section is for discussions about sexuality. Please limit discussions to those asking for help with a problem and those offering advice. Any other threads may be deleted.

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Old 08-17-2011, 12:41 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Default I have not had real sex with my wife in over a year. What can I do?

Hello. I found this forum through google and I hope that I can get some insight about my problem here. First a little background. I am 28 and my wife is 24. We have been married for 7 years and we have 1 child. Around this time last year, I was diagnosed by the VA with depression for things that happened while I was in the military. They gave me medicine to try to cope with the depression but I honestly never took it. I wanted to try to heal myself naturally because I was afraid of the side effects of the medicine.

One day, me and my wife tried to have sex and I couldn't maintain an erection. We were both surprised but we just dismissed that occasion. The next time we had sex, the same thing happened. It has been happening EVERY single time we have tried to have sex for over a year now. I initially told the VA about my problem last year and they gave me vardenafil to try to cure the problem. I didn't tell my wife about the medicine because I did not want to scare her. The VA said that erectile dysfunction is a common side effect to the depression medicine that they gave me but the problem is that this was not a side effect for me since I never ever took the depression medicine in the first place. They also gave me tests to see if I had a hormone problem and everything was normal.

In the beginning, my wife was upset about my problem and thought that I maybe loved someone else. Over time, she understood that I have a problem but we just don't know what it is. I am not gay and I still get aroused when I see an attractive woman. The problem is that I usually don't get an erection when I see a woman. My wife is in great shape and very attractive to me so that cannot be a problem either. We have tried counseling for the problem but it has gotten us nowhere.

As far as the problem is concerned, basically, I cannot maintain an erection during penetration. If I get a hand job, I can usually keep the erection. Even some times with the hand job, I lose the erection. My wife does not give bjs so I don't know how I would respond to that. I have never cheated on my wife and as far as I know, she has never cheated on me. She says that she will help me to get through this problem but realistically, I cannot expect her to deal with this forever.

Does anyone here have any experience or advice for this problem. I am only 28 years old and I feel like I should not have to take vardenafil/viagra for the rest of my life. Since I did not tell my wife about the medicine, I tried to take the medicine on days that I knew we might have sex. The main problem with this is that the VA only gives me 2 tablets a month which means that I have to take it on 2 days that I know we will have sex. This is so frustrating and I don't know what to do. I really do love my wife but I feel ashamed about this. I try my best to keep my esteem up but I have to admit that I feel like less of a man if I cannot satisfy a woman. I still can satisfy her orally but that is not enough for me. When we cuddle and kiss, I am rock hard. By the time I try to insert it, it is soft again. Please Please Please if anyone has any experience with this, please help me. We have tried all sorts of therapy and tests and nothing is working. Thanks!
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Old 08-17-2011, 12:56 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: I have not had real sex with my wife in over a year. What can I do?

No offense intended, but perhaps it's time to stop lying to everyone. Your medical people and your wife in particular. Nobody can help you if they don't have all the information. And your wife will be even more frustrated if she doesn't know what's going on. If she knows where things are at, I think she's much more likely to work with you, rather than just get frustrated and starting to assume things on her own.

FWIW, I got a prescription for Cialis to get me over a hump (so to speak). Took it temporarily, it helped restore my confidence. Now I take it for "special" occasions (like weekend dates). I don't think there's anything wrong with that, personally, and it's not supposed to be addictive mentally or physically.

Oh, and Cialis has a much larger effective window than Viagra. Like 36 hours instead of 4. And it works in 30 minutes, so you don't need to take it too far in advance.

Have you looked at sexual therapy? If you can get and maintain an erection otherwise, it may be something that counseling is more likely to fix.

C
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Old 08-17-2011, 01:04 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: I have not had real sex with my wife in over a year. What can I do?

Quote:
Originally Posted by PBear View Post
No offense intended, but perhaps it's time to stop lying to everyone. Your medical people and your wife in particular. Nobody can help you if they don't have all the information. And your wife will be even more frustrated if she doesn't know what's going on. If she knows where things are at, I think she's much more likely to work with you, rather than just get frustrated and starting to assume things on her own.

FWIW, I got a prescription for Cialis to get me over a hump (so to speak). Took it temporarily, it helped restore my confidence. Now I take it for "special" occasions (like weekend dates). I don't think there's anything wrong with that, personally, and it's not supposed to be addictive mentally or physically.

Oh, and Cialis has a much larger effective window than Viagra. Like 36 hours instead of 4. And it works in 30 minutes, so you don't need to take it too far in advance.

Have you looked at sexual therapy? If you can get and maintain an erection otherwise, it may be something that counseling is more likely to fix.

C
Thanks for being honest. It was only recently that I realized that I needed to be true to my wife and tell her about the vardenafil. She always knew about the depression but we both felt that it should not have had such a large effect on our sex life. When I look at the big picture, I realize that people have sex with prostitutes and one night stands all the time. Even criminals are able to keep an erection when they try to rape someone. This is why I don't understand why I can't keep an erection with someone I truly love and care about.
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Old 08-17-2011, 01:34 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: I have not had real sex with my wife in over a year. What can I do?

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When we cuddle and kiss, I am rock hard. By the time I try to insert it, it is soft again.
This smacks of a psychosomatic issue vs. a physical issue.

Change your approach from allopathic to something more psychological.

I'll float a theory here but I have had that problem in the past and I do think there is such a thing as "too much foreplay." There comes a point in lovemaking where a man has to say, "OK, are we going to sit here and salivate all over each other or we going to get busy?"

I'll call it "The Window of F**king Opportunity". In my estimate, I do need some foreplay - anywhere from 5 minutes to a maximum of 20-30 minutes. After that, my penis often goes on strike.

I think pornography (women's books and men's videos) have painted this experience of sex that it's supposed to be this long, drawn out dance and I'm sorry, the male penis and psychology often just doesn't work that way.

Next time, try skipping foreplay, get her moist and go for it.

Good luck.
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Old 08-17-2011, 01:35 PM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: I have not had real sex with my wife in over a year. What can I do?

Except the regulars here. . .they apparently have no jobs or kids and have all day to fool around.
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Old 08-17-2011, 05:05 PM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: I have not had real sex with my wife in over a year. What can I do?

Are you still willing and able to try and satisfy your wife with other means? An erection is not always required to be able to have intimacy with your wife, and maybe by concentrating on her pleasure by other means/methods, it could help reduce the pressure you feel. That could only be positive if the reason you are having problems is because of performance anxiety.

If you feel that you have explored all possible physical reasons for your ED, have you explored other possible emotional or relationship reasons for it? Here's an article with a good list of potential reasons for ED that you might want to consider: Erectile Dysfunction Fact Sheet - McKinley Health Center - University of Illinois

I think you should be willing to open up and discuss this more with your wife. I understand that it could be a very difficult subject for you, but if you and your wife have a strong relationship, I think that talking about it and ways that you can approach trying to solve it together, could be very beneficial to you both.

God Bless.
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Old 08-17-2011, 10:47 PM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: I have not had real sex with my wife in over a year. What can I do?

How are you as far as your weight and blood pressure? Do you smoke and/or drink? All these factors can greatly influence on your ability to have a sustainable erection.
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Old 08-18-2011, 08:54 AM   #8 (permalink)
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Default Re: I have not had real sex with my wife in over a year. What can I do?

Time to go on the offensive. Tell the damn VA you want to try some different treatments and don't ask, tell them. Are you in counseling? You need to get ahold of this for you and your W's sake. Stay strong.
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Old 08-18-2011, 02:10 PM   #9 (permalink)
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Default Re: I have not had real sex with my wife in over a year. What can I do?

I appreciate all of the input guys! We didn't used to use a lot of foreplay before but we started doing it recently to try and clear my mind so we can do it. I am able to satisfy her by other means but I still feel less of a man since I cannot satisfy her with normal sex. I do satisfy her orally and with my hands but that is not enough for me.

As far as my health, I have gained about 20 pounds since I got out of the military 2 years ago. I am going to the gym now and have been trying to lose weight and raise my self esteem. I have another appointment with the VA next friday and I'm going to tell them everything I feel and hope that they can give me some treatment. I feel so free talking about this here and besides this forum, the only person that knows my problem is my wife and the VA. I really appreciate all the feedback and I hope that if I beat this, someone else can look at my story and be able to overcome this too.
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Old 08-18-2011, 06:28 PM   #10 (permalink)
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Default Re: I have not had real sex with my wife in over a year. What can I do?

Excellent!
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