Was she like this when you met? If not, then something has changed how she feels towards you. Try reading the 'manning up' stuff on this forum. I've heard it helps to reignite that attraction. Perhaps you're too much of a 'nice guy' and she's lost respect and sexual interest.
My partner has never asked for sex, and the idea of him actually asking to have sex is an automatic turn off for me. Totally unsexy and unmanly. Asking for some oral when we're all ready fooling around is totally ok though
The fact that she's telling you to just ask for it and she'll give you a handjob means she's really treating it like a chore she has to do. How insulting and degrading! Even worse that she talks about chores and stuff during it
She may as well not bother, if you're gonna do it, do it right!
I didn't realise how important sexual contact was for men to feel loved and appreciated until I read a book called The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands
. If she cares about your overall happiness in life as a person - as her husband - perhaps she will read that book if you get it for her (read it yourself first). It may help her perspective a bit. My relationship with my partner is 10 times better when I make sure he gets lovin on a regular basis. Giving sex willingly out of 'loving obligation' doesn't come without reward!! She may be surprised.
my wife does not seem to associate the initiation with my need for affection.
That's the key word - NEED. I never knew this either. A lot of women, myself included, can easily go without sex or have it rather infrequently. Without even giving it a second thought. She may think that sex for you is just 'release' or 'scratching an itch' and not realise it's much deeper than that - a NEED.
So check out that book on Amazon.com, and read through all the manning up stuff on this forum!