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Sex (or lack of) Breaking Point?

24K views 139 replies 39 participants last post by  wringo123 
#1 ·
This is something I thought would be good to get different perspectives on since obviously the topic of sex can be greatly varied from person to person. Do you have a breaking point where lack of sex in a relationship would become a deal breaker for you? Or maybe you did end a relationship over this, and if so, was it mostly b/c of sex or was it sex combined with other issues?

What got me thinking about this was a couple of things. In the past few weeks I have seen in several threads where a TAM'er had posted that they had been in a sexless relationship (in some cases for years) and although from the tone of their message they didn't appear happy about it they seemed to have just accepted it as is. Also, I was talking to a friend of mine where lack of sex had been a hot topic for him with his wife. Last time i talked to him he seemed like he had almost given up and just accepted this is how it was going to be.

I know it is easy to just say get out of the relationship if your needs aren't being met, but in many cases it is a lot more complicated than that (kids, finances, the thought of being alone, sex robot hasn't been delivered yet, etc...). In the case of my friend I believe the lack of sex is more a symptom of other issues in their marriage, but then again, what the **** do I know :grin2:

One positive post (as a guy) I did see another female member here make was that she did realize after a while that she needed to take some accountability and make some changes with herself to help get her sex life with her H back on track. I only bring this up since I know myself and many others have had this bs concept of "Happy Wife Happy Life" pushed on us, so seeing someone post that there is a shared responsibility in making a relationship work (whether it be sex or other) is refreshing.

For me personally, I don't really know what my breaking point would be. Not too long ago I felt like I was possibly heading in that direction where I finally accepted that it wasn't selfish to want an active sex life. Since then things have been heading in the right direction although still a work in progress.
 
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#54 ·
Even if there was a test, it wouldn't help with situational LD. Some HD spouses can't or won't see their role in the issue. Even a true LD might be more willing to try please a partner that keeps them truly happy.

My XH is absolutely positive that I just don't like sex, and that I'm not a very sexual person. He refused to believe that my drive was related to the way he treated me outside of the bedroom, because it just didn't work that way for him. And he used the idea that I wasn't sexual to explain away my lack of enthusiasm.

It turns out I really do like sex, just not sex with him.
 
#62 ·
Even if there was a test, it wouldn't help with situational LD. Some HD spouses can't or won't see their role in the issue. Even a true LD might be more willing to try please a partner that keeps them truly happy.

My XH is absolutely positive that I just don't like sex, and that I'm not a very sexual person. He refused to believe that my drive was related to the way he treated me outside of the bedroom, because it just didn't work that way for him. And he used the idea that I wasn't sexual to explain away my lack of enthusiasm.

It turns out I really do like sex, just not sex with him.
agreed. I want a divorce, and we've stopped having sex altogether. Sleeping in separate rooms. I can't fathom wanting sex with him ever again.

This doesn't seem to register with him. He asked me the other night if i wanted to "Fvck for old times sake"
nope. Not even a little. He's so confused. To him, it's all my fault that he was abusive, and i always wanted sex before, so where's the problem?

I think for some partners that don't/can't admit their faults, this is the only think that makes any sense.

If they've reached this point, there's no convincing them otherwise either. How do you prove it's not so? you can't.

"Even a true LD might be more willing to try please a partner that keeps them truly happy." I think this is one of the only lasting ways to make a marriage with a sexual mismatch work.
 
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#60 ·
It's sadly comical when the spouse realizes you're no longer interested in sex. ( spouse talking) "Something's wrong! What happened to you initiating sex and me repeatedly turning you down! That was how I kept you under my thumb! What's left that will keep you around? Oh crap! Why don't you want to have sex?" (Me) "I'm tired" as I roll over. Now she's the one unable to sleep well at night while I sleep just fine.
 
#97 ·
Oh Yes these Ld's are strange people. Last weekend I have my regular dose of chore sex. She say's to me like I' am next in line OK lets take care of your lil problem (Sex] Believe me She is a wonderful person and wife. But has no interest in sex. I say to myself this is the last time I will except this kind of sex. Well a week has gone by, I start to pull back, no more cuddling,few kisses, start the 180, stop mentioning sex, She says to me today Wow what a nice week We sure are getting along good lately. She actually enjoys not having to have a orgasm??? You have to laugh at it cause it will make you crazy.
 
#74 ·
Physical intimacy is like the greatest joy of being married to me...

To have it taken away...or his no longer wanting to share in that.. would emotionally CRUSH ME... then I'd get angry...resentful.... I wouldn't handle this well at all....

Truth is...I have caused more spats over questioning if he desired me -when I had some sort of hormonal surge cove over me 7 yrs ago.. leading me here..

Just imaging his rejecting me....what some live with & have sacrificed for their families (Passion, bonding, reaching for each other for comfort)....feeling that sort of frustration and NEED was overwhelming to me...and I couldn't shut it off... then I'd get "aggressive" about it...

Not much patience here :eek:.. though this has died down.. I still long for his touch & desire, it's just not as urgent as it was when that came over me..

Everyone says .."If it's a medical issue, they wouldn't hold it against the other".. well of course we wouldn't, that would be so cruel !.... however... this by no means = it would be any easier.. in fact, the husband or wife would struggle terribly with GUILT ...even ashamed of themselves for being frustrated.. for being HUMAN basically...

Stepping into the shoes of a high driving faithful caretaker would be tormenting to live out alone every night..... the loss of what WAS , so precious & deep (no pun intended) would inevitably cause depression..

Honesty.. I'd rather die before we faced something like that, at least in the prime years.. once we're over the hill , his plumbing goes south and I'm all dried up.. it won't matter so much.. but NOT NOW !
 
#80 ·
Marriage....the Catholic Church answer to the shortage of priest.

I'm not sure any of us signed up to become martyrs, so if your marriage is not fulfilling your needs then it's time to move on....it all depends what is your breaking point....here is a question to ask a spouse.....
If I had a terminal illness and it required a shot every day would you give be it too me ...but if on the other hand I had a terminal illness that required sex everyday, would you do that? I am pretty sure i would not make it through the week....
 
#89 ·
Once every week or two for me, which has been what I would call "the high point" in our marriage, is like walking through the desert and finding a well every 30 miles. I'm a man who really likes to drink water... Daily. Her LD is due to medical reasons. What do you do? I guess I suffer in silence mostly.


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#91 ·
[This is so true. Occasionally my wife works 5-9pm. Those are the best evenings of the week for me and my boys. No chaos just a much more relaxed atmosphere. We make dinner, get everything cleaned up and do some laundry. No drama whatsoever. I start feeling a sense of dread as her arrival home nears. She often goes to bed around 9pm. As soon as she says she's going to bed I breathe a sigh of relief looking forward to a couple hours of sanity. lol[/QUOTE]

Wow, this is eerily similar to our situation. Our best evenings are when Mommy is working late or has plans with friends - like you, we make and eat dinner, get everything cleaned up, have some play time, get a bath, then bedtime. Much more relaxed.

A couple of years ago, I used to dread going home after work as she would be totally stressed out from having the kids by herself for about an hour to hour and a half, and be mad at me for not being home to help (because I'm self-employed, I should just go home and help with the kids even though I have a meeting). Not that way now, but it was bad for a time.
 
#93 ·
[This is so true. Occasionally my wife works 5-9pm. Those are the best evenings of the week for me and my boys. No chaos just a much more relaxed atmosphere. We make dinner, get everything cleaned up and do some laundry. No drama whatsoever. I start feeling a sense of dread as her arrival home nears. She often goes to bed around 9pm. As soon as she says she's going to bed I breathe a sigh of relief looking forward to a couple hours of sanity. lol
Wow, this is eerily similar to our situation. Our best evenings are when Mommy is working late or has plans with friends - like you, we make and eat dinner, get everything cleaned up, have some play time, get a bath, then bedtime. Much more relaxed.

A couple of years ago, I used to dread going home after work as she would be totally stressed out from having the kids by herself for about an hour to hour and a half, and be mad at me for not being home to help (because I'm self-employed, I should just go home and help with the kids even though I have a meeting). Not that way now, but it was bad for a time.[/QUOTE]

lol. I'm self employed too. My wife works about 12 hours per week. She'll be home all day by herself and the minute I walk in the door she'll say "It's total chaos in here!". The sink is full of dirty dishes, baskets of laundry on the bed, hasn't thought about dinner yet. I'll think to myself WTH have you been doing all day! I figured it out a while back when I looked at her cell phone bill. She goes through an average of 2,000 talk minutes per month. I've brought it up before but she freaks out and it ends with her either saying she's done with me or threatens to move out. To which I say "You know where the door is".
 
#100 ·
Sixty-eight, I thought your post was interesting, because your H and my XH sound very similar (besides being on opposite ends of the drive spectrum), and I have often wondered if XH has some sort of NPD. I used to think it was my imagination, because he doesn't have a grandiose personality like most NPDs. Then I came across the term "covert narcissist", and he hits nearly every trait!

I feel your pain. Good luck finding a way out! I made it, and I actually feel like a real person again... I'd almost forgotten what that was like!
 
#102 · (Edited)
Thank you! yes, mine seems to be some mix between overt and covert. He's odd. I think he would be overt, except for his father verbally devalued him as a child (ugly, worthless), and he's an overweight adult. Now that he's been going to the gym and has lost a lot of weight, and has gotten a promotion at work, i see a lot more self love instead of self loathe. The shift between those this year really helped me finally clue in. One can have a lot of the traits without having the disorder, but having all the traits pretty much seals it. If it's only a few, they call it a "high-conflict personality"

i think i'm in the narcissistic discard stage anyway. He seems done with me, and i've been careful lately to have no percieved value to him, and be ultra boring/non responsive to drama. Now he can't seem to get away fast enough. I've tried to get away before, and he's always hung on for dear life. Hope it lasts! :D

Congrats to you!
 
#101 ·
I read this entire thread and it is making me really depressed.
SHIIT! How can it all come to this? I had my breaking point and it was once a week or two of starfish sex. We had the "talk" in which I said I could no longer live like this. Basically, my wife came to realize that I might be CRAZY enough to leave and destroy everything.

I think this scared the shiit out of her and she started to change. I also realized that I was part of the problem and changed. To date, I am certain that my wife is still LD and I HD. However, she at least let's me TRY to get her worked up. If I am on my game, no matter how tired she is or no matter what she says, at some point during sex, I KNOW she is into it. Obviously, some days are better than others.

For me, if I can see some sort of light at the end of the tunnel, it's enough for me because I know it's there somewhere and in time if I continue I'll see more of it.
 
#103 ·
after a few months of no sex, i enter the IDGAF phase. With no sex, and no affection, i simply no longer want sex with my partner. We become, in effect, roommates. It has not had the same effect on my partner. After years of not seeming to care/sadistic glee on withholding, my indifference and removal from the marriage bed seems to have sparked his sex drive. Seems like a desparate, last ditch effort. I have no doubt that if i caved, things would quickly return to the status quo.

It sounds sad, but it actually makes life a lot easier. I wonder if this is how it feels to be LD.
 
#113 ·
#180,360,720, It will make you dizzy. The one thing about the difference in a relationship that is LD/HD is its a revolving door When it gets better enjoy it cause the LD's don't enjoy it when its good. All I have ever wanted was just some balance in it. Just something I could count on.
As far as the 180 does. Its like this for me .I will give 100% to our relationship and more. As a male, Am a good ***** or the type of guy that constantly works around the house.inside and out. What ever needs to be done.
Lets forget the romance part of it. Theirs very little interest on her part. Take a look at it like two friends living together. Best friends and one hand washes the other hand. You wouldn't let your best friend down. How could it be that your best friend does everything in the world for you and you turn around and treat them like Sh2t. How does that work. Every single thing in your life is perfect and the LD can't give up a little affection weekly. To me I think it's a case of being self center, Selfish , one sided.
Why would an LD person give everything they have up for a few mins of affection. So the 180 , I tend to remove all the wonderful things I do for my wife when we get out of balance and The women does not care or respond to it. MC Hammer said it best. Can't touch this. They have no remorse. They just don't care about anyone but them selfs
Its like they can't stand you happy. The min. everything is going good and in a good dereaction they have a melt down and f88k it up. Vent over
 
#114 ·
Its like they can't stand you happy. The min. everything is going good and in a good dereaction they have a melt down and f88k it up. Vent over
Just Wondering, that so much sounds like my last relationship. As long as I was too busy working, she would leave me to it and do her own thing.

Turns out that as long as she had steady income and home and her kids that was all she needed in the relationship - the absolute _last_ thing she wanted was an actual partner she had to consider - so even good gestures were turned into negatives e.g. I'd cook or arrange to bring takeout when they were really busy, they would deign eat with me. One occasion they got home from school camp at 8:30pm, and had no food in house/even milk had soured, but I had anticipated and brought over a meal so it was hot when they got in. I got a verbal (literal quote) "thanks". then no contact/refused contact for 10 days, then when I caught up again was told "not to do that again as it undermined her".
 
#116 ·
This thread has turned into a "lets list all of the negative qualities about our wives thread". Would you husbands really be thinking this negatively about your wives if your sex life was great? I'm guessing not. Your just dissing you wives because they aren't giving you sex. Are you treating your wives nicely, helping out at home, showing affection not criticizing her? It doesn't sounds like anyone of you are acting nicely you are just trying to avoid your wives and without that emotional connection then it's no surprise she doesn't want to have sex with you.
 
#118 ·
This thread has turned into a "lets list all of the negative qualities about our wives thread".
Would you husbands really be thinking this negatively about your wives if your sex life was great? I'm guessing not. Your just dissing you wives because they aren't giving you sex. Are you treating your wives nicely, helping out at home, showing affection not criticizing her? It doesn't sounds like anyone of you are acting nicely you are just trying to avoid your wives and without that emotional connection then it's no surprise she doesn't want to have sex with you.
Well, the title of this thread is not "Talk About Your Awesome Sexlife", so naturally people here are talking about their own experiences. As well, there are a lot of areas in a relationship that tie into a sex life which is where discussing some other qualities comes in to play.

So based on your analysis, anyone posting here is not getting sex because they don't treat their spouse nice and don't make any effort to build an emotional connection :confused: It should also be stated that some people actually require sex to help build that emotional connection, everyone is different
 
#126 ·
It's a very, very hard choice. Especially when there are kids involved, when everything else in the relationship is going fine.

A lot of times I will be ok and accepting but then I'll go through a spell of just really, really wanting sex. I fantasize about it all day, dream about it. Since I can't go to H with it, I end up fantasizing about someone else. That gets dangerous.
But after a while of that it will settle back down into acceptance and I'll be fine.

Being on meds helps my drive stay in the acceptance stage more often and I can focus on everything else.

I don't know what my breaking point would be. We've gone years having sex only a couple times. Right now we are only at a month without but I have made the choice to just keep sex out of our marriage as it's the only area where we just don't work so I'm trying to just get to where I'd be ok with not having sex, potentially ever again, and deal with that and maintain a loving connection without it. I struggle with that too, with even cuddling and kissing him knowing there's a wall there.

He really doesn't care either way. If sex was easy to obtain and available he'd do it. If not he's perfectly happy with just watching porn.
 
#129 ·
I got to the point in my marriage just over a year ago where sex was maybe 12x/yr. my wife said she was fine just the way it is/was. Even with two girls still in primary school, I told my wife if she wants that kind of sex life by all means, you can have it. I on the other hand need more so maybe we should consider going our separate ways.

I had been working hard on my issues (cleaning my side of the street), losing weight, spending more time with my girls, helping more with homework, cooking and cleaning.
I knew I could not only survive being single, but would probably thrive.
As I lost weight and started putting on more muscle, dressing better and being more confident, I noticed a lot more women taking notice when I was around.
I had looked up and researched divorce where I live, looked through classifieds for apartments and even browsed through dating websites (no account, just weighing my options).
So what happened? My wife didn't want to split, she stepped up the sex, I kept on working my self improvement in all areas.
I worked hard on myself and continue to do so. Gym 3-4 X/wk, cook healthier meals, take care of things right away and most importantly, I stepped back into the leadership role I relinquished years ago for no apparent reason.
Our sex life is now better than when we were dating. My wife initiates 76-85% of the time. When I get turned down for sex it's not a big deal. I know it will happen soon.
I have reverted back to the guy I was that she first fell for. I have a life, she's more than welcome to join me but if not, I'll do what I have to anyway.
If your sex life is that bad, I would suggest looking at and fixing your own side of the street and not play the blame game. I read somewhere before, the stay plan is the same as the go plan. That said, if the sh!t hits the fan again, I'm more than ready to go my own way.


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#130 ·
I am the same guy she married 30 years ago. Just smarter, better educated, wealthier by a lot, with a great career. I kept my looks good - 20 lb more than I was at age 18... And most of that was dorm food :) I raised two great girls that are both in top ten universities. And provided sage career advice and support to her. I have an awesome personality and know how to have fun. I can cycle 35 miles and drive my Mini Cooper close to its limits. I'm not a stuffy suit and have most of my long curly gray hair.

It hasn't mattered one bit. A lot of times it does, but here in the dregs of TAM you see the dark side. Where nothing works including a divorce threat.
 
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#140 ·
Not exactly sure where my breaking point is, just know that I am getting closer and closer to you it everyday. It isn't the lack of sex so much as it is the fact that I have been replaced with porn and his minimizing the issue and dismissing my feelings just to protect his own ego.

It is bad enough knowing that your partner prefers porn over you, but then trying to tell you that you shouldn't be upset about it just adds salt to the wound.

Leaving is the first thing I think about when I wake up and the last thing I think about when I go to sleep.
 
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