What is wrong with me?

Jellybeans · 09-07-2011, 08:25 AM

MMJJ--how do you feel emotionally right now? With yourself and also with your partner? Do you feel connected to him? Like you have a good relationship? My libido suffers if I feel my partner isn't connecting with me emotionally.

Another thing -- do you find most of your relationships start wtih a lot of sex and then it dwindles? Do you get off more on the "high" of the beginning of a relationship? Then find yourself becoming bored? Is it boredom? Or do you genuinely not like your partner?

When you sex drive suffers--do you find you aren't turned on at all by anything/anyone? Or just your partner? Meaning, do you still find yourself feeling sexy/wanting sex and maybe just not with your partner?

What things can he do that make you feel turned on? For me, when a man is romantic, it really gets me going. Tell him what things you like/enjoy.

Have you been to see a therapist about this? Any prior abuse? Psychosexual issue? Or hormones? Is sex seen as messy/bad from your POV?

VeryShyGirl · 09-07-2011, 09:56 AM

I too had the problem where after a while in long term relationships I had almost zero desire for sex. In fact, I'd pretty much avoid it like the plague because I'd rather be messing around on my computer, sleeping, doing dishes... anything. Sex was enjoyable when it actually happened but it took VERY low priority in my life.

What changed? I made a conscious effort to make sex a priority. I read a lot and educated myself about sex and what it means to men. I read about healthy sex in marriage. I knew I wanted that closeness that sex brings to a marriage and chose to try my best to achieve it. I turned over a new leaf.

At first it was very awkward as you can imagine. I was not used to being the initiator but after pushing my husband away for so long I HAD to be to fix things. This was very difficult for me and I felt so "not me", and that I was kind of acting, but I just kept thinking "fake it til ya make it". It worked. The awkwardness quickly faded and I was left with a new kind of relationship; one that I'd never really had before. It was all worth it.

I know it sounds rigid, but I started making little rules for myself to try to stay on track. I still do this sometimes when I feel I've been slacking. For example, at the time I initiated the change we were having sex maybe once a month at best. So I told myself I had to make the time for sex twice a week, initiating both times if he didn't, no excuses. I once made a rule I had to just give him a good BJ w/ no sex or reciprocation, once a month. It sounds silly, but this helps me keep track of how he's feeling (how much sex/attention he's received) even though these things apparently aren't on my natural radar.

Good luck.

leadsled · 09-07-2011, 10:29 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by VeryShyGirl

I too had the problem where after a while in long term relationships I had almost zero desire for sex. In fact, I'd pretty much avoid it like the plague because I'd rather be messing around on my computer, sleeping, doing dishes... anything. Sex was enjoyable when it actually happened but it took VERY low priority in my life.

What changed? I made a conscious effort to make sex a priority. I read a lot and educated myself about sex and what it means to men. I read about healthy sex in marriage. I knew I wanted that closeness that sex brings to a marriage and chose to try my best to achieve it. I turned over a new leaf.

At first it was very awkward as you can imagine. I was not used to being the initiator but after pushing my husband away for so long I HAD to be to fix things. This was very difficult for me and I felt so "not me", and that I was kind of acting, but I just kept thinking "fake it til ya make it". It worked. The awkwardness quickly faded and I was left with a new kind of relationship; one that I'd never really had before. It was all worth it.

I know it sounds rigid, but I started making little rules for myself to try to stay on track. I still do this sometimes when I feel I've been slacking. For example, at the time I initiated the change we were having sex maybe once a month at best. So I told myself I had to make the time for sex twice a week, initiating both times if he didn't, no excuses. I once made a rule I had to just give him a good BJ w/ no sex or reciprocation, once a month. It sounds silly, but this helps me keep track of how he's feeling (how much sex/attention he's received) even though these things apparently aren't on my natural radar.

Good luck.

Can this be sent out as a mass email to all of the wives of every guy that visits this site trying to figure out why their W have no libido? Men want and need that connection with their W. We like to feel wanted and desired just as much as women do. It amazing how a good sex life in a relationship can avoid so many of the marital problems. It may not solve them all but it is a good start.