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Sex in Marriage Sexual problems are common in many relationships. This section is for discussions about sexuality. Please limit discussions to those asking for help with a problem and those offering advice. Any other threads may be deleted.

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post #16 of 38 (permalink) Old 12-10-2015, 11:32 AM
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Re: Husband only shows intimacy when he wants sex

I'm not saying this is what is happening, but I had this exact conversation with my wife the other day about one of her friends.

Her friend is complaining that his husband never cuddles with her, shows her affection, PDAs, etc.

And they also have sex MAYBE once a month.

And when we were discussing this, my wife said to me, why can't things always be like when we were dating? My response was -- when we were dating, we were having sex probably 10 or more times a week, of course we were always cuddling.

And for her, we were always having sex because we were always cuddling.

My advice to her friend was to initiate a lot of sex and then to cuddle with him.

My advice to her friend's husband was to cuddle with his wife without expectations.
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post #17 of 38 (permalink) Old 12-10-2015, 03:39 PM
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Re: Husband only shows intimacy when he wants sex

One thing that worked for me was scheduling sex. No matter what I did, my wife assumed that I was only saying or doing something for sex. By setting up a once a week schedule, I could say or do something for my wife, and she could accept it for what it was.

Example - sex on weekend, mid week while at home depot check out line, I leaned in, kissed her and told her she was cute. Later, while I was up on ladder installing drywall, she steps out of bathroom after a shower naked & told me to get my butt into the bedroom!

After we were finished, I asked what had prompted her to do that. She said the public display of affection when she knew that sex wasn't on the schedule allowed her to receive my compliment for what it was, a compliment.

Maybe jump hubby's bones, then the following morning over coffee ask him to work out a schedule for sex AND that both of you will have lots of snuggle time where sex is not the expected outcome.
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post #18 of 38 (permalink) Old 12-11-2015, 07:11 AM
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Re: Husband only shows intimacy when he wants sex

Quote:
Originally Posted by lessthennone View Post
My current problem is that I see sex as being very closely related to intimacy. My wife sees intimacy as everything short of sex. If I'm planing intimacy, then I'm planning sex. In her case, it's the opposite. The two are incompatible. The line must be blurred.
This^

This is what I hinted at in my post, and what others have outright said in their replies. I like the way lessthennone put it though, very simply.

I think this is a very common roadblock that many couples face, and on the surface, each blames the other. "All s/he wants is sex". "All s/he wants is to cuddle".

As a 40 year old male, I can tell you that my sexual interest in my wife is FAR less about getting off and much, much more about the intimacy and closeness. If I wanted to simply get off, there are other avenues for that.

The irony in my situation is that my wife actually separates sex and intimacy. For her, it IS about getting off. Usually you see this more in men than in women, but we don't corner the market, either. Unfortunately, her need to get off isn't nearly as strong as my need for intimacy, so we're rather far apart.

But I digress - OP, it's reasonable to assume that your husband is interested in sex with you for primarily emotional/intimacy reasons, and not just getting off. He may not be, of course, but the odds are good that that's it.

The sheer fact that he hasn't touched you in over a month seems to indicate that. If it was purely about getting off, he would have caved by now. Instead, he's likely taking care of those needs on his own, and otherwise feeling rather rejected emotionally as he believes his wife has no interest in meeting his intimacy needs.

Unfortunately, that leaves the door wide open for somebody to take that place.

Think of it this way: if my wife was really touch-feely, cuddly, always wanted to be next to me, holding my hand, holding me, etc. and I straight-up told her "All you want to do is hold me or touch me" (ie. you're too clingy), how do you think she'd react? With total rejection, that's how.

The real root of the issue is far too many people separate sex from everything else, including intimacy, and that it's (especially for men) only about getting off, and only for special occasions, or only to be done once a week (or month).

Imagine if everybody out there had the same mindset about kissing or hugging their spouse, or holding their hand, or sitting with each other on the couch. That those sorts of things were only to be done one in a while, or even that much thought was required before doing them? Imagine if my wife reached for my hand, and I pulled away, saying "I held your hand yesterday!", or if she snuggled up to me on the couch and I told her I wasn't in the mood and moved to the chair.

This is what so many married people do to their spouses without a second thought when it comes to sex. It makes people feel rejected by the person they love, and not only that, it makes them feel bad in the process. You shouldn't be made to feel bad for wanting to be intimate with your spouse, and to me, sex within a marriage shouldn't be a gift one person gives to the other. It's a gift to be shared. As soon as it becomes a tool or a bargaining chip, it's lost much of its meaning. It should be just as natural as a peck on the cheek, holding hands, or hugging.

*ETA - I think the mindset is a carry-over from the dating years, when it very well could be that one person was really only interested in sex, or a regular sex partner. I think we've all probably dated people that we knew we weren't going to marry, but it would be fun while it lasted, right? So in these situations, yes, one (or both) parties really could be only interested in sex.

But marriage is different. Marriage is not dating, it's not seeing what's out there, playing the field, practicing, whatever you want to call it. One doesn't tend to marry somebody simply for the luxury of having a regular sex partner. But one can certainly date somebody for that reason.

My wife had experiences like that while dating, and they're relatively easy to snuff out. If every single time she saw a boyfriend, he tried to have sex with her, then it becomes clear that's all he's after. Duh. Boyfriend gone. (by the way, this isn't exclusively a female problem).

Last edited by alexm; 12-11-2015 at 07:25 AM.
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post #19 of 38 (permalink) Old 12-11-2015, 08:14 AM
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Re: Husband only shows intimacy when he wants sex

reading your other posts, your husband seems blah. Needless to say, he puts in the same amount of energy he does into the business as he does into his relationship with you. He is not engage unless sex is involved and he has a business he breaks even on without any more effort to grow or sell to work a job that does bring home income.

He neglects the relationship until sex is involved, and he even got lazier because what effort he at least use to put in, it declined even further.

I would seriously consider selling the business and returning the money back to your parents, he really is not putting it to use to make it go anywhere.

Why did you decide to open up the business, was it to support him for something he wanted to do?

Are you still working two jobs? Did you ever open up your own back account? Is he still trying to control the finances? Are you looking over the accounts on the business end?

Do you want things to work out, or do you want to find out if things can work out? There is a difference. You can spend years working on the marriage and he may never change, or not change until you are completely detached. People have a comfort level of doing the same crap until a crisis event occurs, perhaps you leaving him.

Either way, work on your own issues, and control what you can, yourself. If things are not what you want in a relationship, then leave him. It is not his job to meet your needs, rather you find someone who can if he chooses not to. Divorce first of course. Relationship are choices, and staying with him, you also choose to be unfulfilled. You do not owe him your life, it is your choice on who to expend your life on and it is your job to judge if it is worth it or not.

Be honestt with him, and if he fails to heed your words, then that is on him. He is in his own little world, behind his own belief that marriage is a lifetime thing, which he may feel safe to neglect.

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post #20 of 38 (permalink) Old 12-11-2015, 03:50 PM
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Re: Husband only shows intimacy when he wants sex

Quote:
Originally Posted by macey8 View Post
A few months ago, I started to notice that my husband only shows intimate gestures towards me when he wants sex.

When he is not in the mood for sex, he does not pay attention to the things I say. If I wanted to have a conversation with him about any topic, he can't talk because he is too busy playing games on his phone or consuming funny videos on social media.

When he's in the mood for sex, he cuddles me, touches my boobs, kisses my neck and does not turn his back on me when laying on the bed. He is more attentive to what I say and can hold a conversation.

Things have changed a lot from the time when we weren't married yet. He doesn't even take the time to plan how we are going to spend our anniversaries. We haven't gone on a date to celebrate our anniversary...ever! We're married for 7 years now. We have a child.

I finally opened up to him about this as I felt like I am being used. He was offended and told me he wouldn't initiate sex with me anymore. A month has passed and he has not really asked me to have sex.

What to do? I don't want to initiate sex neither. I'd rather masturbate.
@macey8 I can definitely relate to this topic, my wife has said that "I only show affection around sex"; meaning the most affection happens before we have sex and carries on after we have sex but then the more time has gone by without having sex I tend to get less affectionate; or less affectionate for her standards, I still feel that I'm being affectionate.

So just being someone who has experienced this first hand and maybe giving some insight into what your husband is feeling/thinking, I had the same reaction your husband had. I stopped initiating sex and also stopped showing affection until the times I would have a moment of weakness and I would initiate sex. I know in her head she was probably thinking the same old thing saying he only shows intimacy when he wants sex. I hated myself afterwards because this didn't help the situation and it would just make the situation more confusing.

Just like your husband I would shutdown and watch TV, go on the computer, be on my phone, etc. all things to avoid being affectionate it with her. The reason being is I was just building resentment towards her partially because of what she said to me, the fact that I always had to initiate sex, and that I never felt desired by her sexually.

So based on my readings on this forum, I said to myself you know what, I'm going to shower her with affection, leave love notes, tell her how much I loved her, plan nice nights out, etc. taking sex out of the equation. I would do all these things thinking to myself okay now she will see that I don't just show her affection when I want to have sex but I'm making a conscious effort to meet her needs.

This strategy ended up backfiring on me because what happened is I just kept on meeting her needs and in the back of my mind I was like okay maybe she would step out of her comfort zone and start initiating sex more or at least give me solid queues that it's sex time vs cuddle time but that day never came; so what ended up happening is I started to resent her again and I would go back to TV, PC, Phone mode.

I don't know the ins/outs of your relationship but my biggest issue was just wanting to be wanted/desired sexually by my wife, and her biggest issue was just being wanted affectionately by me. So when I stepped out of my comfort zone to shower her with affection and put her priorities/needs first; when she didn't see the need to do this for me it just ended up hurting me and made me feel like I was not a priority to her, or actually my needs were not a priority to her, which in turn made me just start pushing her away.


Quote:
Originally Posted by alexm View Post
This is the female version of "my wife only wants cuddles, not sex".

Truthfully, I think many men do this inadvertently sometimes, and/or many women feel this way from time to time. Obviously the issue is that, in this case, it's ALL the time.

It's probably simpler than you think to stop this pattern. Communication. Simply tell your husband that your need for non-sexual contact (ie. cuddling, etc.) is on-par with his need for sexual contact.

Given his reaction, I'm guessing you essentially told him something along the lines of "you only touch me when you want sex" or "you only ever want sex", thus his reaction of "fine, I won't try to have sex with you any more". Now you're both at the same impasse, neither of you getting what you need from the other.

Not your fault, of course - his reaction is immature and rather selfish. However, proper wording may go a long way to changing his view on this subject.

Like I said, make him understand your need for non-sexual contact is the same as his need for sexual contact. If he doesn't understand, or "get" it, then you may be stuck, but I think you'd be surprised.

On the other hand, we men are, admittedly, fairly easy to manipulate when it comes to sex...

Some people (of either gender) tend to require emotional foreplay, which ramps up the sexual desire. Some people require sexual foreplay to ramp up the emotional desire. It seems as though you are the former and your husband is the latter.

Therefore, a possible solution is for each of you to compromise with each other, which will result in both of you having your needs met.

For example, you can show him sexual desire (ie. touch him, grab him, jump on him), and he can show you non-sexual desire (ie. cuddling, holding hands, spooning).

The upside for both of you is that there's a high probability that this will increase his desire to be close to you in a non-sexual way and increase your desire to be close to him in a sexual way.

As each of you are responsible for meeting the others relationship needs, it requires effort on both parts and compromise.

In other words: the more you show purely sexual interest in him, the more he will be interested in simply emotional, non-sexual time with you. The more he meets your needs, the more you will be interested in being sexual with him. Know what I mean?
Quote:
Originally Posted by alexm View Post
This^

This is what I hinted at in my post, and what others have outright said in their replies. I like the way lessthennone put it though, very simply.

I think this is a very common roadblock that many couples face, and on the surface, each blames the other. "All s/he wants is sex". "All s/he wants is to cuddle".

As a 40 year old male, I can tell you that my sexual interest in my wife is FAR less about getting off and much, much more about the intimacy and closeness. If I wanted to simply get off, there are other avenues for that.

The irony in my situation is that my wife actually separates sex and intimacy. For her, it IS about getting off. Usually you see this more in men than in women, but we don't corner the market, either. Unfortunately, her need to get off isn't nearly as strong as my need for intimacy, so we're rather far apart.

But I digress - OP, it's reasonable to assume that your husband is interested in sex with you for primarily emotional/intimacy reasons, and not just getting off. He may not be, of course, but the odds are good that that's it.

The sheer fact that he hasn't touched you in over a month seems to indicate that. If it was purely about getting off, he would have caved by now. Instead, he's likely taking care of those needs on his own, and otherwise feeling rather rejected emotionally as he believes his wife has no interest in meeting his intimacy needs.

Unfortunately, that leaves the door wide open for somebody to take that place.

Think of it this way: if my wife was really touch-feely, cuddly, always wanted to be next to me, holding my hand, holding me, etc. and I straight-up told her "All you want to do is hold me or touch me" (ie. you're too clingy), how do you think she'd react? With total rejection, that's how.

The real root of the issue is far too many people separate sex from everything else, including intimacy, and that it's (especially for men) only about getting off, and only for special occasions, or only to be done once a week (or month).

Imagine if everybody out there had the same mindset about kissing or hugging their spouse, or holding their hand, or sitting with each other on the couch. That those sorts of things were only to be done one in a while, or even that much thought was required before doing them? Imagine if my wife reached for my hand, and I pulled away, saying "I held your hand yesterday!", or if she snuggled up to me on the couch and I told her I wasn't in the mood and moved to the chair.

This is what so many married people do to their spouses without a second thought when it comes to sex. It makes people feel rejected by the person they love, and not only that, it makes them feel bad in the process. You shouldn't be made to feel bad for wanting to be intimate with your spouse, and to me, sex within a marriage shouldn't be a gift one person gives to the other. It's a gift to be shared. As soon as it becomes a tool or a bargaining chip, it's lost much of its meaning. It should be just as natural as a peck on the cheek, holding hands, or hugging.

*ETA - I think the mindset is a carry-over from the dating years, when it very well could be that one person was really only interested in sex, or a regular sex partner. I think we've all probably dated people that we knew we weren't going to marry, but it would be fun while it lasted, right? So in these situations, yes, one (or both) parties really could be only interested in sex.

But marriage is different. Marriage is not dating, it's not seeing what's out there, playing the field, practicing, whatever you want to call it. One doesn't tend to marry somebody simply for the luxury of having a regular sex partner. But one can certainly date somebody for that reason.

My wife had experiences like that while dating, and they're relatively easy to snuff out. If every single time she saw a boyfriend, he tried to have sex with her, then it becomes clear that's all he's after. Duh. Boyfriend gone. (by the way, this isn't exclusively a female problem).
@alexm Your posts resonate so much with me...spot on! It's crazy how so many other people come across this same issue in marriage no matter who you are.

I've communicated with my wife in the past and told her how sex is much more than just sex to me. I like being intimate with my wife and in turn it does make me be more affectionate with her. I even tried to give her an example and said it is probably the same way she feels when she is always craving affection and her being the one that initiates it. She has told me that she would like it if I initiated being more affectionate with her, and I tell her that's exactly how I feel with sex, I hate being the one to always initiate it. I would love to have the feeling of my wife wanting/desiring me sexually instead of being a cuddle care bear to her.

IMPASSE...that's the perfect word @alexm to describe this same issue that plagues so many.

My current roadblock has been, no matter how much I explain to her how important, meaningful sex is to me and how it makes me be more affectionate to her, which is exactly what she wants; she doesn't understand why I just can't be affectionate with her without needing sex. I don't know how else to explain this to her to make her understand this; I've tried comparing it to her needs and how she doesn't like it when I show her zero affection but it just does not get through. It seems like "sex" and "affection" are 2 totally different things in her head. She always seems to make "sex" sound like it's so much harder to do physically than me just showering her with "affection"; so why can't I just give her more affection and having sex once a month should be enough.

I'm not sure how much longer I can last in this roommate pattern but I don't think I have much left in me.

Last edited by ptomczyk11; 12-11-2015 at 03:56 PM.
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post #21 of 38 (permalink) Old 12-12-2015, 03:02 PM
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Re: Husband only shows intimacy when he wants sex

My husband used to be the same exact way. He would only be affectionate when he was in the mood, otherwise he was in his own world and wasn't thinking of me. Unlike what other posters have said, I have a higher sex drive than my husband. It was extremely frustrating trying to get him to be physically affectionate. He'd only want sex maybe once a week, which was less than what I was hoping for. Unfortunately, the only reason it changed was because he wanted it to. The change had to come from him. I tried talking to him until I was blue in the face, but it did nothing. I had enough and seriously thought about leaving, which he knew, and I think that pushed him to really get it together. He's not as affectionate as he was when we were dating and I don't know if we'll ever get back to that point, as my husband has an inability to deal with stress well, but we're so much better off now than we were a year or so ago. He's really stepped it up to help our marriage get back on track. Counseling would be a good idea to help him understand just how much you need this or you can try reading the book His Needs Her Needs together. Hope things get better for you.
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post #22 of 38 (permalink) Old 12-12-2015, 04:10 PM
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Re: Husband only shows intimacy when he wants sex

Sounds pretty normal to me, even if not an ideal situation from a woman's point of view.

A guy will relate to a woman through sex. This is a bodily need.

Smart women know how to raise this to the level of intimacy.

Seven years into a marriage (specially with a kid), is when your hormones aren't raging as they were when you first started. You could see the positives and be glad that he's still attacted to you (even if he doesn't express it as at first)

Quote:
Originally Posted by macey8 View Post
A few months ago, I started to notice that my husband only shows intimate gestures towards me when he wants sex.

When he is not in the mood for sex, he does not pay attention to the things I say. If I wanted to have a conversation with him about any topic, he can't talk because he is too busy playing games on his phone or consuming funny videos on social media.

When he's in the mood for sex, he cuddles me, touches my boobs, kisses my neck and does not turn his back on me when laying on the bed. He is more attentive to what I say and can hold a conversation.

Things have changed a lot from the time when we weren't married yet. He doesn't even take the time to plan how we are going to spend our anniversaries. We haven't gone on a date to celebrate our anniversary...ever! We're married for 7 years now. We have a child.

I finally opened up to him about this as I felt like I am being used. He was offended and told me he wouldn't initiate sex with me anymore. A month has passed and he has not really asked me to have sex.

What to do? I don't want to initiate sex neither. I'd rather masturbate.
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post #23 of 38 (permalink) Old 12-12-2015, 05:19 PM
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Re: Husband only shows intimacy when he wants sex

For me personally I say introduce him to consentual tease and denial games - but I doubt many others would be able to handle that.

Probably need a third party to reconcile this.
It's a bit like the "my wife keeps playing candy crush all night" or the much older "all she does is read books".

Somehow the other partner has to realise their addict/digital-affair. Sadly such cyberdependancy isn't cool to talk about in this modern world, but things such as "NetLag" and "CyberStress" used to be dangers discussed just before the Web was invented, just as "chat addiction" was also a big issue with IRC and ICQ and Messenger. Basically it's a matter of breaking the _addiction_ and refocusing on real life and real relationships. The latter being something which the modern world is losing, especially with it's forcing children to remain immature for too long.
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post #24 of 38 (permalink) Old 12-13-2015, 06:15 AM
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Re: Husband only shows intimacy when he wants sex

Quote:
Originally Posted by brownmale View Post
Sounds pretty normal to me, even if not an ideal situation from a woman's point of view.

A guy will relate to a woman through sex. This is a bodily need.

Smart women know how to raise this to the level of intimacy.

Seven years into a marriage (specially with a kid), is when your hormones aren't raging as they were when you first started. You could see the positives and be glad that he's still attacted to you (even if he doesn't express it as at first)
This is kind of the blunt version of what others have said here, but it's not wrong.

Husband (still) wants sex. Wife (still) wants cuddle time.

Maybe OP can do the same thing her husband is doing, but in a non-sexual way.

But as others have said, and I agree with, more sex/less rejection SHOULD = more non-sexual intimacy. It IS kind of how we men are built.

During the courtship phase and early era of a relationship, we men are more likely to want to please through other means, and sex is typically a by-product, or a result. The longer we're together, the more comfortable we are, and the less "effort" is required - we think.

The reverse can be true as well - the longer you are with your husband, the less sex you think is required, and the non-sexual intimacy can be taken for granted.

Sometimes couples just need a kick in the pants for each other to realize that effort is still required in order to meet each others needs.

What generally happens is that these things that are not necessarily "needs" for us get thrown by the wayside, and we forget that they are needs for you, and vice versa.

If every couple treated each other the same way they did in the first 6 months of a relationship, everybody would be happy.
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post #25 of 38 (permalink) Old 12-13-2015, 08:53 AM
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Re: Husband only shows intimacy when he wants sex

It's the difference between building something, and maintaining something. You put a lot of effort into creating whatever it is, say, building a deck. You plan it, save the money, buy the materials, put a lot of sweat equity into building it, and finally, it's done! You can relax and have parties on it and enjoy the fruits of your labour. After that, to keep it in good shape, you just have to do the occasional clean up, replace a board now and then, restain it every few years, etc.

It's the same in relationships. Both partners court each other, putting a lot of effort into building their bond, with the goal of marriage. Once they are married, then they go into maintenance mode.

It seems to me that this impasse develops when one partner considers sex to be the building effort and affection to be the maintenance, while the other one considers affection to be the building part and sex to be the maintenance.

During the building phase, both are working hard and both are getting both sex and affection. But when they reach maintenance, suddenly one partner feels sex is less important but the other feels affection is less important.

You know, I'm really liking this deck analogy. So sometimes life stresses hit, and there's not enough time, or money, to maintain the deck, and it falls into disrepair. Children may be jumping on it, or swinging from it, accelerating the decay. One partner thinks, oh, it's not MY job to repair the deck, I'm too busy working, or too busy raising the children. And eventually, both partners are looking out the patio door, lamenting their broken down, unusable and possibly dangerous deck, and thinking of the prohibitively hard work and cost it would be to tear it down and build a new one.
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post #26 of 38 (permalink) Old 12-13-2015, 10:23 AM
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Re: Husband only shows intimacy when he wants sex

Quote:
Originally Posted by macey8 View Post
Hi everyone!

Is it too difficult to work with your spouse as business partners on top of being life partners?

Here's the issue:

My stepdad and mom lent us funds to set up a business. My husband and I run a little grocery store. My husband attends to the business full time meaning he is present at the store during the day while I check in with him for updates and sales every night. My husband runs the day t- day operations while I am in charge of allocating funds and reports.

The business has been a long time dream of ours. We both wanted it so when my stepdad learned about and offered to lend us the funds, we went ahead and grabbed the opportunity.

We have been running the business for over a year now. It was not an easy year. We had to endure some trials and errors, tried out different strategies to find out which one suits us best, we learned lessons about money management and we learned them the hard way. We had lots of fights about the business too.

What were our fights about? Well, I really get upset and irritated about the way he works with me. The problem is - he does not seem to want to work with me as his business partner. He is not transparent about things that occurred in the business, or he doesn't ask my opinion before making certain business decisions. My husband seems to have a problem managing the finances, and as his partner, I feel that it is my responsibility to try and lead him to the right direction so we can both benefit if and when the business grows.

Arguments continued to occur, poor money management still went on which led us to close our little grocery store for about 2 months. We closed temporarily because we didn't have the funds to re-stock our inventory. We didn't have the funds because the money wasn't managed allocated properly.
I was so devastated and I can tell that he was too.

I have to mention - I juggle 2 jobs. I work 12-16 hours per day, 5-6 days per week. This is the reason why I can't be running the operations with him during the day. I need to work because the business is still starting and we are not seeing much profit from it as of yet. My income is spent on bills, utilities, food, school fees, etc. During those months when we had to close our store, we were determined to reopen it, which means we had to keep paying the rent even if we were not operating. I asked help from my mom about our financial problems. My mom helped me come up with funds to buy stocks. I covered the rent for the commercial space (with my salary).

Thankfully, we were able to reopen. Before our re-opening day, I talked to my husband about the lessons we learned, the mistakes we committed. For me, one of his shortcomings was lack of transparency. I had my shortcomings too - I have to admit. During our first few months in business, I have been adamant about making sure funds were allocated properly and reports had been made. My husband didn't want any of that. After a few arguments, he didn't budge. I let the issue go and kind of stepped away from it. I felt that he didn't to involve me in his decisions about the business, the strategies he wants to implement. My mistake was that I stopped pursuing and making him understand why we need all these things.

After we had the talk, and a few weeks after re-opening day, I thought things were going well. I continued working for my 2 jobs, while he managed the day to day operations as usual. There were even some changes on his part - he endorses the sales to me and I keep it in a safe. I allocate the funds appropriately to make sure inventory is covered. I do all these things with him around to make him see that I am being transparent to him.

However, I found out that he has made a business decision without informing me or asking my opinion about it. I figured it out on my own, and now I'm wondering if he had planned on letting me know about it at all. Due to this, I realized that he hasn't totally changed in regards to being transparent with me about the business.

I feel offended by this due to a number of reasons:

- I feel like he can't respect my wishes as a business partner - and that is for him to be transparent with me about business decisions - every move. Of course, he can expect the same thing from me - I have no problems with being transparent to him especially about the business.

- I feel like he doesn't see me as a partner, and that we're not working as a team. He is not the type who likes to brainstorm with me about ideas on how to grow the business.

- I see that if I ask him to do something, he does it. But I can sense that sometimes, he does these things to prevent arguments - which I don't like. It would be nice to know that he gets my point and does things because he agrees those were the right things to do.

- I feel sad about the fact that we have so many differences that we can't even run the business well.

Do you think he feels emasculated? Is transparency too much to ask? Why doesn't he like to include me in the decision making? I understand that there are situations when his discretion is called for, but at the end of the day, it would be nice to be informed about any problems that occurred in the business and how he resolved them.

I talked to him about this, but he said that he has implemented everything in the store and asked why I still had issues with him. He doesn't get me. I worry that if he doesn't manage the business finances well, that we will have to close again, or that we will fail. I don't want to struggle financially anymore so I am being very careful with the decisions we make and the steps we take. I am a very goal-oriented person. I am driven and I would like to be very successful in business. I'm sure he wants to be successful too, but he doesn't seem to have enough drive and is not being too careful about the steps he makes towards success. He is 7 years older than me. I am 31 and he'll be turning 38 this year. but he doesn't seem to be bothered about the fact that he is not yet a self-made man. He doesn't seem to care about the time he is wasting.

Sometimes I worry that his lack of drive and gusto will prevent me from being successful myself. I fear that he may drag me to mediocrity.

I'd like for him to be transparent and treat me as a part of the team, but I'm not sure how I can make that happen.

Quote:
Originally Posted by macey8 View Post
How do you deal when you're married to a man who doesn't hustle?

I am the one earning to meet the family's needs. I am very motivated, driven and I like to think big. My husband is taking care of a business (which startup funds we borrowed from my parents). The business has been running for 2 years now and it's not growing, while I work 2 jobs.

My jobs are our sole sources of income. At this stage, the business is not gaining any profit. Every time I ask him about his plans for our business (a mini-grocery store), he does not have a specific plan.

I find it difficult to be dealing with a partner who is not as motivated as I am. I think that if we hustle on the same level, we can achieve pretty great things. I've tried talking to him about improving himself and to set goals, but he acts as if he deals with life one day at a time. He is too spontaneous and he does not have direction in life.

We only live in a one-bedroom flat. It would be great to build wealth and success together, but he does not work as hard as I do, therefore he does not have the same amount of income as I do. In fact, he does not have a solid income at all from the business because the money that it makes is just enough to break even. I told him that maybe he needs to try a different approach, but we always end up fighting / arguing as our business principles clash.

Sometimes I feel like I am his mom who's feeding him and looking after his future. I also feel that he is a burden financially, because he simply cannot contribute to bill payments or savings. He does not like not having money in his wallet, so he takes the loose change or a few bucks. He is a caring spouse. He does most of the household chores but sometimes complains because he does most of the cleaning and the laundry. He is a good dad to our child.

How do I set boundaries of providing for him? How do I make him want success bad enough?

There is more, but I think he has a maturity problem. Looks like his professional self matches his personal self as well.

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post #27 of 38 (permalink) Old 12-13-2015, 11:07 AM
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Re: Husband only shows intimacy when he wants sex

I am 58 and I would probably still like sex three times a day.

My wife with a combination of poor health and the menopause would probably be happy with having sex more like three times a year.

I suspect that there have been times when my wife has started a deliberate and utterly pointless argument in order to forestall any idea of sexual intercourse.

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post #28 of 38 (permalink) Old 12-13-2015, 12:47 PM
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Re: Husband only shows intimacy when he wants sex

Quote:
Originally Posted by ptomczyk11 View Post
So based on my readings on this forum, I said to myself you know what, I'm going to shower her with affection, leave love notes, tell her how much I loved her, plan nice nights out, etc. taking sex out of the equation. I would do all these things thinking to myself okay now she will see that I don't just show her affection when I want to have sex but I'm making a conscious effort to meet her needs.

This strategy ended up backfiring on me because what happened is I just kept on meeting her needs and in the back of my mind I was like okay maybe she would step out of her comfort zone and start initiating sex more or at least give me solid queues that it's sex time vs cuddle time but that day never came; so what ended up happening is I started to resent her again and I would go back to TV, PC, Phone mode.
Pretty much a guaranteed result.
That's why giving into demands _never_ seems to work by itself, although someone will probably tell me how wrong I am.

Basically what I see is by directly changing the one thing all it does is _enable_ the person to carry on happily with their needs satisfied and gives them zero reason to actually resolve the issue.
The Patients all Lie.

Assume that the behavior you're seeing/hearing about is a symptom, and working on the symptom won't fix the problem.

(Personally that's why I find women are terrible communicators, they'll speak a lot and yet share nothing that is important). You actually have to work out what is driving the behavior because there's a good chance the other person isn't even admitting to themselves the driver for their behavior , they just compensating, and thus you the person with poor satisfaction is left dealing with the consequences of that compensation ... and getting the rebuke for it.
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post #29 of 38 (permalink) Old 12-20-2015, 03:46 PM
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Re: Husband only shows intimacy when he wants sex

Quote:
Originally Posted by spotthedeaddog View Post
Pretty much a guaranteed result.
That's why giving into demands _never_ seems to work by itself, although someone will probably tell me how wrong I am.

Basically what I see is by directly changing the one thing all it does is _enable_ the person to carry on happily with their needs satisfied and gives them zero reason to actually resolve the issue.
The Patients all Lie.

Assume that the behavior you're seeing/hearing about is a symptom, and working on the symptom won't fix the problem.

(Personally that's why I find women are terrible communicators, they'll speak a lot and yet share nothing that is important). You actually have to work out what is driving the behavior because there's a good chance the other person isn't even admitting to themselves the driver for their behavior , they just compensating, and thus you the person with poor satisfaction is left dealing with the consequences of that compensation ... and getting the rebuke for it.
I agree that giving in to demands doesn't work. If you are giving attention and writing love notes because your wife demanded it, and not because you want to do so, then they are meaningless. It would be like having duty sex. You can tell it's duty sex and it doesn't fulfill your intimacy needs. Just like writing love notes because she wants you to won't work. And is a giant waste of time.

Stop seeing it as "giving in to her demands." If a woman gives in to her husband's sexual advances and "gives it up" because she is supposed to, it doesn't feel very good. Gestures that feign emotional intimacy feel just as empty, particularly when she knows he's just doing it so he can go back to having sex on a regular basis. Of course it will backfire - how could it not?
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post #30 of 38 (permalink) Old 12-20-2015, 04:05 PM
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Re: Husband only shows intimacy when he wants sex

The next demand that is going to come out of this marriage is the one were one spouse tells the others spouse " I will not give them up and we are just friends"!

Can't say who will cheat 1st, but I'm sure someone in this marriage is talking to a co worker or old male friend from school about how shyt the marriage is.

This marriage is ripe for the picking for anyone that likes to phuck married people.

You guys are in such a dangerous place right now ......you have no idea!

At the end of the day you guys better start screwing each other no matter what or you will soon find a 3rd party in this already fragile marriage. I'm just not sure who will step out first.
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