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post #31 of 38 (permalink) Old 12-20-2015, 04:09 PM
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Re: Husband only shows intimacy when he wants sex

These are the kinds of threads that *start* in the "Sex-Marriage" section at TAM and end up in the "Coping with Infidelity" section of TAM.
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post #32 of 38 (permalink) Old 12-21-2015, 07:33 AM
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Re: Husband only shows intimacy when he wants sex

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The next demand that is going to come out of this marriage is the one were one spouse tells the others spouse " I will not give them up and we are just friends"!

Can't say who will cheat 1st, but I'm sure someone in this marriage is talking to a co worker or old male friend from school about how shyt the marriage is.

This marriage is ripe for the picking for anyone that likes to phuck married people.

You guys are in such a dangerous place right now ......you have no idea!

At the end of the day you guys better start screwing each other no matter what or you will soon find a 3rd party in this already fragile marriage. I'm just not sure who will step out first.
Blunt, but unfortunately not wrong.

It's a sad reality, but when one or both people in a marriage aren't getting what they require from the other, it's not out of the question for one (or both) to find it elsewhere. Often it's not on purpose, either. That's when you hear the "it just happened, I didn't plan it" excuse. And more times than not, that's exactly how it goes. The person in question did not, in fact, go out specifically looking to have their needs met.

And more often than not, affair partners are looking for the same damn thing - affection, interest, desire, and to feel important to somebody, even in a small way.

It's human nature to require these things, it's why we date and marry. Hell, it's even why people have casual sex and flings. It meets our basest needs. Whether it's for one night, a few months of dating, or 50 years of marriage.

So to commit to somebody in marriage, and for one (or in this case BOTH) parties to deny their partner the same damn things THEY require (yet via different methods) is idiotic. The whole idea of marriage is based around having a partner to meet these base needs AND to ensure their needs are met as well. NOT, as so many marriages wind up being, a goal of finding somebody to meet your needs, and theirs can be damned.
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post #33 of 38 (permalink) Old 12-21-2015, 07:37 AM
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Re: Husband only shows intimacy when he wants sex

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It seems to me that this impasse develops when one partner considers sex to be the building effort and affection to be the maintenance, while the other one considers affection to be the building part and sex to be the maintenance.

During the building phase, both are working hard and both are getting both sex and affection. But when they reach maintenance, suddenly one partner feels sex is less important but the other feels affection is less important.
Unfortunately, it's usually men who use affection to court women, and women use sex to court men. Like you said, both usually reach the maintenance phase and can fall by the wayside.

You know, it's funny. Both men and women have the same complaints, especially after marriage.

"My wife used to have sex all the time, and now it's a chore!"

"My husband used to be SO affectionate, and now he can't be bothered!"

It's the same issue, isn't it? The same complaint.

The go-to "solution" for this is usually logically, but rarely seems to work: Be more affectionate, and she'll have more sex with you. Have more sex, and he'll be more affectionate with you.

As somebody in this thread mentioned, it doesn't work for him. And I am in the same general boat as well.

I find that, at least in my experience (and I do need to be careful here...) that when men purposefully become more affectionate in the hopes that their own needs will be met (as per the go-to advice), the woman often tend to not believe they are doing it for the "right reasons". As in, they don't quite trust their husband/partner is truly showing them affection for anything more than the goal of having sex. They may feel manipulated.

Whereas, I find when a woman becomes more sexual, with the goal of receiving more affection, we men are pretty quick to accept and reciprocate.

I know I feel MUCH more affectionate about my wife when she makes an effort with something, especially sexual. The effects usually last for days, as well. I don't quite understand why she hasn't figured this out, either, even after basically telling her this bluntly. But more often than not, her efforts are few and far between, and she wonders why I've fallen off after x-amount of time. And I DO make the efforts to meet her needs even when mine are not being met, but there's often a finite amount of time for me to reach the point of non-interest because nothing's coming back.

Humans require motivation - it's that simple. Motivation has to come from BOTH sides, not just one, and not at a 10 to 1 scale, either. This scale can vary depending on personality. I'm a people-please, my wife is not. Therefore a 3-1 scale would work for me, for example. Every 3 things I do to please her, 1 in return for me. The scale will vary for everybody. Even 10-1 might work for some people.

Last edited by alexm; 12-21-2015 at 07:54 AM.
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post #34 of 38 (permalink) Old 12-21-2015, 12:31 PM
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Re: Husband only shows intimacy when he wants sex

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Unfortunately, it's usually men who use affection to court women, and women use sex to court men. Like you said, both usually reach the maintenance phase and can fall by the wayside.

You know, it's funny. Both men and women have the same complaints, especially after marriage.

"My wife used to have sex all the time, and now it's a chore!"

"My husband used to be SO affectionate, and now he can't be bothered!"

It's the same issue, isn't it? The same complaint.

The go-to "solution" for this is usually logically, but rarely seems to work: Be more affectionate, and she'll have more sex with you. Have more sex, and he'll be more affectionate with you.

As somebody in this thread mentioned, it doesn't work for him. And I am in the same general boat as well.

I find that, at least in my experience (and I do need to be careful here...) that when men purposefully become more affectionate in the hopes that their own needs will be met (as per the go-to advice), the woman often tend to not believe they are doing it for the "right reasons". As in, they don't quite trust their husband/partner is truly showing them affection for anything more than the goal of having sex. They may feel manipulated.

Whereas, I find when a woman becomes more sexual, with the goal of receiving more affection, we men are pretty quick to accept and reciprocate.

I know I feel MUCH more affectionate about my wife when she makes an effort with something, especially sexual. The effects usually last for days, as well. I don't quite understand why she hasn't figured this out, either, even after basically telling her this bluntly. But more often than not, her efforts are few and far between, and she wonders why I've fallen off after x-amount of time. And I DO make the efforts to meet her needs even when mine are not being met, but there's often a finite amount of time for me to reach the point of non-interest because nothing's coming back.

Humans require motivation - it's that simple. Motivation has to come from BOTH sides, not just one, and not at a 10 to 1 scale, either. This scale can vary depending on personality. I'm a people-please, my wife is not. Therefore a 3-1 scale would work for me, for example. Every 3 things I do to please her, 1 in return for me. The scale will vary for everybody. Even 10-1 might work for some people.
@alexm Once again, your post is exactly what I'm feeling and going through with my wife - you should be a marriage counselor, Lolol. I feel like printing your post out and showing it to my wife, but I'm sure that wouldn't go over to well.

My current situation, I haven't initiated sex with my wife in over a month and half, and as you can probably guess she hasn't either. She still makes attempts to just hug and kiss me; in which, I reciprocate but it feels empty / passionless.

It feels so strange, there was a time where my wife would simply hug and kiss me and she would immediately turn me on; I felt so much love and felt how strong our love was; she just had that effect on me. This was also a time where we were on a more regular sex schedule.

I'm actually scared now, because she will come up to me and hug and kiss me but I don't get turned on whatsoever; it's like I've been unplugged. There is nothing; I used to grab her butt, get flirty with her, give her a bunch of kisses on the neck, throw her on top of me, etc. but now I feel so disconnected I feel like I'm just hugging a stranger, in a sense.

So sad it got to this point when in the end like @alexm mentioned we are complaining about the same thing but just coming from different feelings.

She will say to me I respond to you; meaning the more affectionate I'm with her the more she will respond in a more intimate way with me. But what kills me is; how much do I have to give of myself affectionately before she finally desires me intimately? She might say she responds to me but I never see it; it feels like I'm earning credits for something I can never redeem.
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post #35 of 38 (permalink) Old 12-21-2015, 12:55 PM
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Re: Husband only shows intimacy when he wants sex

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@alexm Once again, your post is exactly what I'm feeling and going through with my wife - you should be a marriage counselor, Lolol. I feel like printing your post out and showing it to my wife, but I'm sure that wouldn't go over to well.

My current situation, I haven't initiated sex with my wife in over a month and half, and as you can probably guess she hasn't either. She still makes attempts to just hug and kiss me; in which, I reciprocate but it feels empty / passionless.

It feels so strange, there was a time where my wife would simply hug and kiss me and she would immediately turn me on; I felt so much love and felt how strong our love was; she just had that effect on me. This was also a time where we were on a more regular sex schedule.

I'm actually scared now, because she will come up to me and hug and kiss me but I don't get turned on whatsoever; it's like I've been unplugged. There is nothing; I used to grab her butt, get flirty with her, give her a bunch of kisses on the neck, throw her on top of me, etc. but now I feel so disconnected I feel like I'm just hugging a stranger, in a sense.

So sad it got to this point when in the end like @alexm mentioned we are complaining about the same thing but just coming from different feelings.

She will say to me I respond to you; meaning the more affectionate I'm with her the more she will respond in a more intimate way with me. But what kills me is; how much do I have to give of myself affectionately before she finally desires me intimately? She might say she responds to me but I never see it; it feels like I'm earning credits for something I can never redeem.

You should read her other threads, and there was another poster who gave in and gave her husband sex and for a while he was affectionate then he stopped and the issues went back to where they were. The sex just masked the issues and he went back to neglecting her all over again.

It should be both working together instead of people advising her just to have sex with him.

They have a business together, and it nearly failed. He ignored her input and request for transparency with the business, but he denies her. Turned out she was right about managing money. there business is a small grocer, and they ran out of money to restock inventory.

She also used to put her paychecks into his bank account, one which he originally had access to. In one of her other threads, she states she will open her own account since her husband claims why the numbers do not add up.

Also, he would throw fits when she tries to have a say.

Btw, the money that helped them started their business came from her parents, and like their finances, he had more of a say in how things went. Sex is not their only issue.

I have a friend that is getting divorce, he neglected his wife, except when it came to sex. Other than that, he was either playing Diablo III,or hanging out with us. She took care of the home and well, now he lost his wife and the sex as well.

There is a misconception about sex, and you can google research this, but females bond more strongly when it comes to sex. Males have that in love feeling for about 45 minutes on average after sex, whiel females have it for about 3 hours. After orgasm, females release seven times the amount of bonding hormones that male release called oxytocin.

I am such a tree hugger because it gives me wood!
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post #36 of 38 (permalink) Old 03-21-2017, 01:45 PM
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Re: Husband only shows intimacy when he wants sex

Deguello here,back after a.long break,
Sex between married folks,is tricky at best, for most guys the clock starts ticking right.away,it is more than "just sex",it affect us in many ways,
I am really cranky after four days,after a week I don't sleep well,and I am no fun to be around, We are still working this Out after her affair that is still denied that it even happenned.( However there are some ED issues.) We had a counseler who said "you could have sex every day ant it would not be enough, my reply"we we will never be able to prove that because it will never happen"
My point is you can work this out if it is IMPORTANT.otherwise bitternes anger and stress result.

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post #37 of 38 (permalink) Old 03-21-2017, 07:47 PM
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Re: Husband only shows intimacy when he wants sex

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A few months ago, I started to notice that my husband only shows intimate gestures towards me when he wants sex.

When he is not in the mood for sex, he does not pay attention to the things I say. If I wanted to have a conversation with him about any topic, he can't talk because he is too busy playing games on his phone or consuming funny videos on social media.

When he's in the mood for sex, he cuddles me, touches my boobs, kisses my neck and does not turn his back on me when laying on the bed. He is more attentive to what I say and can hold a conversation.

Things have changed a lot from the time when we weren't married yet. He doesn't even take the time to plan how we are going to spend our anniversaries. We haven't gone on a date to celebrate our anniversary...ever! We're married for 7 years now. We have a child.

I finally opened up to him about this as I felt like I am being used. He was offended and told me he wouldn't initiate sex with me anymore. A month has passed and he has not really asked me to have sex.

What to do? I don't want to initiate sex neither. I'd rather masturbate.
I would suggest you get MW Davis book the Sex Starved Wife and Chapman's book the 5 Languages of Love. It sounds a lot like my marriage when I was in a Sex Starved Marriage. What I and my wife didn't know at the time was that every day of of 40+ year marriage we told each other how much we loved each other, but we were not fluent in our spouses love languages.

For example each day, my wife who learned from her mother that a "good wife" cooked a hot home made meal for her husband and had it ready for him when he came home from work, always cooked a nice dinner for us (Chapman's Act of Service love language). She also expected to have a nice conversation at the dinner table (Chapman's quality time). When she didn't get those things she felt unloved and disrespected.

I on the other hand was working late to be a good provider, get raises so my wife and children wanted for nothing financially. Except she didn't see it that way.

I on the other had showed my love for her by my primary love language that is touch and my secondary love language which is words of affirmation (or praise). My wife viewed my reaching out to her to tell her I loved her and told me that I was just pawing at her body to get in her pants. When I praised her about the things I really liked about her, she told me that I was just trying to butter her up to get in her pants.

Do you think that maybe, just maybe when your husband wants to tell you how much he loves you he reaches out to touch you and that is not just about sex?

What I learned was that when if came home late for dinner and the dinner was burned and ruined, to her it was as it I had slapped my wife and told her I didn't love her. When my wife slapped my hands from her shoulder, it was it she shouted at me that she didn't love me. when she criticized me, it was the opposite of praise and made me feel very unloved.

My wife and I kept saying we love you to each other, but got angrier and angrier and more and more hurt because we just didn't understand.

Find yourself a good board certified sex therapist, it is a lot less expensive than two divorce attorneys. Yes we were able to save our marriage, but it was hard.

Good luck
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post #38 of 38 (permalink) Old 03-21-2017, 11:34 PM
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Re: Husband only shows intimacy when he wants sex

Zombie thread, the OP is long gone.

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