Husband only shows intimacy when he wants sex - Talk About Marriage
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post #1 of 38 (permalink) Old 12-10-2015, 12:59 AM Thread Starter
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Husband only shows intimacy when he wants sex

A few months ago, I started to notice that my husband only shows intimate gestures towards me when he wants sex.

When he is not in the mood for sex, he does not pay attention to the things I say. If I wanted to have a conversation with him about any topic, he can't talk because he is too busy playing games on his phone or consuming funny videos on social media.

When he's in the mood for sex, he cuddles me, touches my boobs, kisses my neck and does not turn his back on me when laying on the bed. He is more attentive to what I say and can hold a conversation.

Things have changed a lot from the time when we weren't married yet. He doesn't even take the time to plan how we are going to spend our anniversaries. We haven't gone on a date to celebrate our anniversary...ever! We're married for 7 years now. We have a child.

I finally opened up to him about this as I felt like I am being used. He was offended and told me he wouldn't initiate sex with me anymore. A month has passed and he has not really asked me to have sex.

What to do? I don't want to initiate sex neither. I'd rather masturbate.
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post #2 of 38 (permalink) Old 12-10-2015, 05:18 AM
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Re: Husband only shows intimacy when he wants sex

May I suggest counselling?
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post #3 of 38 (permalink) Old 12-10-2015, 05:24 AM
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Re: Husband only shows intimacy when he wants sex

You don't want to initiate.

He's not initiating.

Are you very young?

This issue won't improve in a vacuum, but if you don't want sex with him anymore you may as well divorce and find someone that does light your fire.

"If you deliberately plan on being less than you are capable of being, then I warn you that you'll be unhappy for the rest of your life."

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post #4 of 38 (permalink) Old 12-10-2015, 05:44 AM
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Re: Husband only shows intimacy when he wants sex

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You don't want to initiate.

He's not initiating.

Are you very young?

This issue won't improve in a vacuum, but if you don't want sex with him anymore you may as well divorce and find someone that does light your fire.
I would guess she wants sex but she wants the rest of her husband too, more of the time.
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post #5 of 38 (permalink) Old 12-10-2015, 06:38 AM
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Re: Husband only shows intimacy when he wants sex

This is the female version of "my wife only wants cuddles, not sex".

Truthfully, I think many men do this inadvertently sometimes, and/or many women feel this way from time to time. Obviously the issue is that, in this case, it's ALL the time.

It's probably simpler than you think to stop this pattern. Communication. Simply tell your husband that your need for non-sexual contact (ie. cuddling, etc.) is on-par with his need for sexual contact.

Given his reaction, I'm guessing you essentially told him something along the lines of "you only touch me when you want sex" or "you only ever want sex", thus his reaction of "fine, I won't try to have sex with you any more". Now you're both at the same impasse, neither of you getting what you need from the other.

Not your fault, of course - his reaction is immature and rather selfish. However, proper wording may go a long way to changing his view on this subject.

Like I said, make him understand your need for non-sexual contact is the same as his need for sexual contact. If he doesn't understand, or "get" it, then you may be stuck, but I think you'd be surprised.

On the other hand, we men are, admittedly, fairly easy to manipulate when it comes to sex...

Some people (of either gender) tend to require emotional foreplay, which ramps up the sexual desire. Some people require sexual foreplay to ramp up the emotional desire. It seems as though you are the former and your husband is the latter.

Therefore, a possible solution is for each of you to compromise with each other, which will result in both of you having your needs met.

For example, you can show him sexual desire (ie. touch him, grab him, jump on him), and he can show you non-sexual desire (ie. cuddling, holding hands, spooning).

The upside for both of you is that there's a high probability that this will increase his desire to be close to you in a non-sexual way and increase your desire to be close to him in a sexual way.

As each of you are responsible for meeting the others relationship needs, it requires effort on both parts and compromise.

In other words: the more you show purely sexual interest in him, the more he will be interested in simply emotional, non-sexual time with you. The more he meets your needs, the more you will be interested in being sexual with him. Know what I mean?
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post #6 of 38 (permalink) Old 12-10-2015, 07:09 AM
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Re: Husband only shows intimacy when he wants sex

The man has not been interested in sex for a month? His feelings are really hurt that you think he was using you. Maybe he's mulling over your complaints that he ignores you until he's interested. Whatever his excuse is, his behavior is immature and not conducive to a happy marriage. Break the ice and ask him if he wants to go to marriage counseling or individual counseling.
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post #7 of 38 (permalink) Old 12-10-2015, 08:30 AM
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Re: Husband only shows intimacy when he wants sex

Gee sounds familiar. Mine has no interest in me at all. I can try to talk to him and he doesn't hear me or hes on his phone all the time. But when he wants sex I need to snap to it! But he shows me nothing in terms of anything else or any other form of intimacy.
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post #8 of 38 (permalink) Old 12-10-2015, 09:45 AM
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Re: Husband only shows intimacy when he wants sex

I also fell into this routine. Wife said exactly the same to me.
Now I purposely show affection the day AFTER sex, and right up until we have sex again.
I think what happens is a drastic loss of testosterone right after sex. For me it usually lasts a couple days. The moment I cum, the thought of sex and anything sexual leaves my mind as fast as you can imagine.

I really wish this was not the case. However, I understand my wife and try to do my best in this regard. I can tell she appreciates it, or at least she never says the dreaded "you only want to touch me when you want sex."
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post #9 of 38 (permalink) Old 12-10-2015, 09:50 AM
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Re: Husband only shows intimacy when he wants sex

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Originally Posted by macey8 View Post
What to do? I don't want to initiate sex neither. I'd rather masturbate.
Him refusing to initiate is a passive aggressive temper tantrum, and he will eventually get over it. I would also say that you NOT wanting to initiate sex in favor of just masturbating seems like a passive aggressive tantrum as well.

There are two ways out of this downhill spiral. One is "just do it" to get some sexual healing and the other is "take a break from sex" to take a moment to reconnect as friends. BOTH of those involve being patient and forgiving with one another.

Yes, you feel the way you feel and he needs to respect that. But at the same time men have hormonal cycles as well (particularly post orgasmic) that change our behavior so we do not have nonstop sex all day long and kill ourselves. So your husband feels the way he feels and you have to respect that as well.

So that leaves you with:

• patience
• forgiveness
• respect

...is what you BOTH need to focus on in order to reconnect.

If you are going to have to throw a tempter tantrums, take out your frustrations in the form of kinky sex, and punish him a little! Initiate sex, get his all aroused, tell him he can't have an orgasm until he learns to be nice, and then just walk away!

Cheers,
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post #10 of 38 (permalink) Old 12-10-2015, 09:55 AM
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Re: Husband only shows intimacy when he wants sex

I'd hazard a guess that this has been building for some time - like years, with a lot of misunderstandings on both sides.

I'm sure you're observation was 100% correct, he probably doesn't show you much of anything until he wants sex.

How did he get there though? Where is your husband on you list of priorities? I bet he is not at the top which is understandable with a baby involved but never the less...

As far as not planning for your anniversary goes, this is a perfect example of misunderstanding each other. This is generally not a guy thing, the date and the event can be fairly meaningless to us. Do not look at his failure to place any importance on this through the lens of the importance you place on it. That's not fair.
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post #11 of 38 (permalink) Old 12-10-2015, 09:59 AM
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Re: Husband only shows intimacy when he wants sex

Good evening
This may be off base, but think about it:
This is an easy trap to fall into. Let me guess that his has a higher level of desire for sex than you do. So he is almost always wanting sex, always hungry. Touches and causal intimacy remind him of his desire for sex, so he can't enjoy them. Imagine telling a very hungry person that you want to go to a chocolate shop just to look and smell, but not eat.

This is the situation I was in for many years.

If you are willing, try having sex frequently. Don't let him be selfish - the sex should very much be mutual, but go a couple of weeks with him getting all the sex he wants. He may then find that he enjoys non-sexual intimacy as well. That may make you enjoy sexual intimacy more as well.


Now if he is a selfish lover when you do have sex, that is a different matter.
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post #12 of 38 (permalink) Old 12-10-2015, 10:13 AM
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Re: Husband only shows intimacy when he wants sex

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I really wish this was not the case. However, I understand my wife and try to do my best in this regard. I can tell she appreciates it, or at least she never says the dreaded "you only want to touch me when you want sex."
I guess I do things a little differently. When I want my partner's attention, I seek it. Now, if I am rejected then, we have problems. Rejection sucks and too much of it causes rightful resentment. Touch is my primary love language and hence the resentment issue if rejection occurs too often.

To me sex and intimacy go hand in hand. I agree with Ump. Mr. B, shows affection after sex as a way to build up for next time. I don't iniciate with him hardly ever. I did almost every time with husband of 21 years. It's all about communicating your needs until you reach a happy compromise.

Good things come to those who wait...greater things come to those who get off their a$$ and do anything to make it happen.
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post #13 of 38 (permalink) Old 12-10-2015, 10:16 AM
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Re: Husband only shows intimacy when he wants sex

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Good evening
This may be off base, but think about it:
This is an easy trap to fall into. Let me guess that his has a higher level of desire for sex than you do. So he is almost always wanting sex, always hungry. Touches and causal intimacy remind him of his desire for sex, so he can't enjoy them. Imagine telling a very hungry person that you want to go to a chocolate shop just to look and smell, but not eat.

This is the situation I was in for many years.

If you are willing, try having sex frequently. Don't let him be selfish - the sex should very much be mutual, but go a couple of weeks with him getting all the sex he wants. He may then find that he enjoys non-sexual intimacy as well. That may make you enjoy sexual intimacy more as well.


Now if he is a selfish lover when you do have sex, that is a different matter.
Quote:
Originally Posted by richardsharpe View Post
Good evening
This may be off base, but think about it:
This is an easy trap to fall into. Let me guess that his has a higher level of desire for sex than you do. So he is almost always wanting sex, always hungry. Touches and causal intimacy remind him of his desire for sex, so he can't enjoy them. Imagine telling a very hungry person that you want to go to a chocolate shop just to look and smell, but not eat.

This is the situation I was in for many years.

If you are willing, try having sex frequently. Don't let him be selfish - the sex should very much be mutual, but go a couple of weeks with him getting all the sex he wants. He may then find that he enjoys non-sexual intimacy as well. That may make you enjoy sexual intimacy more as well.


Now if he is a selfish lover when you do have sex, that is a different matter.
This is a great reply. Being in a similar situation, I will just add that the line between sex and intimacy must blur.

My current problem is that I see sex as being very closely related to intimacy. My wife sees intimacy as everything short of sex. If I'm planing intimacy, then I'm planning sex. In her case, it's the opposite. The two are incompatible. The line must be blurred.
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post #14 of 38 (permalink) Old 12-10-2015, 10:41 AM
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Re: Husband only shows intimacy when he wants sex

Possible reasons I would pay attention to my SO only when I wanted sex:
  • I am rejected often enough, and have been for long enough, that I think "I'm not getting my needs met. Why am I bothering with yours?"
  • You're an unpleasant person. I only go to you, for anything, when I really need to. (Hey, at least I'm not cheating... yet.)
  • You've become boring. No, really. Boring. Seconds become minutes, minutes become hours when I try to talk to you.
  • You're a trophy wife. I never married you for your personality.
  • Hey, remember the last time you asked about my day and it wasn't an obvious ploy where you cut me off and then spent the next hour talking about your day? Yeah, neither do I. If you don't listen to me, why should I listen to you?
  • I am a self-centered prick. (I think this would bleed out into all aspects of our relationship.)
  • You're a self-centered prick. It does bleed out into all aspects of our relationship, but you don't see it.
  • I'm having an affair. I've loyalty-shifted to my AP and only hit on you so that you won't suspect me.

This is a NEUTRAL list. I'm NOT claiming that any of the items on the list apply to your situation. I'm just spitballing ideas.

Last edited by MrHappyHat; 12-10-2015 at 11:06 AM.
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post #15 of 38 (permalink) Old 12-10-2015, 11:04 AM
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Re: Husband only shows intimacy when he wants sex

Looking at your posting history, I'm going to guess that this is a control issue, on both sides of the fence.

Tons, tons, TONS of guessing here:

You seem like you're very... I won't say controlling, but how about rigorous in your interactions with him. Why? Because you two have shared assets, own a business, and he's been borking up by the numbers. If my spouse FUBARed the inventory and my business closed it's doors for two months, I know that I'd show a certain amount of rigor in dealings with her.

So he's the guy that borks things up, tries to hide his neglect, and you're the one that has to needle him to extract the necessary information to keep your business afloat.

In his view, whenever you enter the room, The Law has just entered the room. He's thinking about what he borked that you haven't discovered and doesn't want to slip up.

If you want to go back to being husband and wife, he needs a new boss. Preferably one that will fire his ass and force him to get a job not related to your business.
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