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Sigh...my husband is impotent and I am frustrated.

52K views 27 replies 21 participants last post by  rumba 
#1 · (Edited)
My husband and I have been together for almost 20 years, married for almost 14. We have an amazing relationship, we are truly in love each other and more than anything we really like each other. We truly are friends.

IN the past few years my husband has battled and is still battling several health challenges and as a result he now suffers from erectile dysfunction. He is able to have erections, but unable to maintain them to complete the act. He is able to have an orgasm usually before he loses the erection and if he doesn't I have helped him manually or orally, but then I am then left sexually frustrated.

Until recently we had not discussed my frustation and the ED problem because I didn't want to embarrass him and I suppose he was a bit in denial. However he recently learned that I was entertaining the idea of getting sexually fulfilled elsewhere as a result of my frustation and we began to openly discuss the problem. We are now both in agreement that there is a problem, but unsure of what to do next.

Now that my husband is out of denial he has almost completely stopped touching me. I feel like I live with a roommate or a close friend. All intimacy has left because of his fear of disappointing me. And I think that he has stopped touching me because he doesn't want it to lead to anything that he can't finish.

I feel like I live with a roommate or good friend. I've explored the ideas of a PA with someone and I currently have a serious crush on someone, but I have not pursued anything and I doubt that I will. But I hate feeling the way that I feel.

Anyone BTDT? Not sure what my expectations are in terms of advice but I really am at a lost.
 
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#3 ·
My husband cannot take any of the medications because they would make his other health issues worse.

He has tried and been willing to try toys, oral, manual, etc, but it's not the same for me, those things we've done before the ED problem all were a form of foreplay and that how they continue to live in my mind, so to me they should all lead to intercourse and again, I am left unfulfilled. Which I guess I was okay because there was some intimacy, now there is none.

I feel so selfish for wanting more than he can give me, which is probably why he has withdrawn from me.
 
#7 · (Edited)
Sorry I am on my iphone and do not know how to quote.

I wanted to say that i will not act on my desires, as my desire to keep my marriage and family in tact greatly outweigh my physical desires. It's just so frustrating to want what we had in the past and to not have it. I am willing to compromise I can learn to enjoy whatever intimacy that we can enjoy together but he has just become so withdrawn from me. And regarding what I would want for him if were me... If I have to be honest I'd want him to be fulfilled and if after a year or more I'd be willing to allow him to get what I am unable to provide. However I am a strange person in that regard and I know that he doesn't feel the same so I would never pursue this for me.


Thank you for info about the injection info. I will mention it to him.
Posted via Mobile Device
 
#12 ·
Sorry I am on my iphone and do not know how to quote.

I wanted to say that i will not act on my desires, as my desire to keep my marriage and family in tact greatly outweigh my physical desires. It's just so frustrating to want what we had in the past and to not have it. I am willing to compromise I can learn to enjoy whatever intimacy that we can enjoy together but he has just become so withdrawn from me. And regarding what I would want for him if were me... If I have to be honest I'd want him to be fulfilled and if after a year or more I'd be willing to allow him to get what I am unable to provide. However I am a strange person in that regard and I know that he doesn't feel the same so I would never pursue this for me.
Is there any chance of things going back to the way they were? I hope he can get better and the two of you can resume where you left off.

As far as intimacy, it seems you need to take charge of that. He's withdrawn possibly due to depression of his current situation which really can cause more problems than any physical ailment in a guy's sex life.

If his situation is permanent, then really it may be just a matter of time before you go outside of your marriage. It's tough to say due to the limited information, but really I don't envy your position and I hope you're able to find a discrete balance between your needs and taking care of your responsibilities.
 
#10 ·
This book is written by Sex therapists - it would be very helpful for the 2 of you right now.

Amazon.com: Let Me Count the Ways: Discovering Great Sex Without Intercourse (9780874779561): Marty Klein, Riki Robbins: Books


If intercourse is THAT important to you, I would look into

1. Penile injections - if he can do that : Impotence treatment - penile injection therapy for erectile dysfunction

2. A Penis Pump- using a band to hold his erection, I think that can be in place for like 30 minutes at a time.

Penis Pumps: Vacuum Constriction Devices for Erectile Dysfunction on MedicineNet.com ... Penis Pumps for Erectile Dysfunction | PenisPumpWarehouse.com

3. . Penile Implant -he should be a candidate. Penis Implants – Get the Facts on Penile Implant Surgery – Cost


If this ever happened to my husband, we would be doing one of these 3 , cause for me, Intercourse is the end all, I can hardly orgasm from oral , and yeah, I would feel very very sad if this happened - I feel for your situation.

For him and what he is going through, I can not even imagine how hard THIS is on him. Coming to peace with a situation like this will take some "grieving" for what you both have lost, Determination & enough love & understanding to make it work between the 2 of you -no matter what, with neither bailing and turning inward. This will be even harder for him, as this is the most vulnerable thing he has ever had to face in his life, he needs to know you will be there for him -through it all.
 
#11 ·
your husbands ED is a result of health issues.

sorry that you have to deal with this.

but he seems to have an attitude that he would do for you as best he can weather it be toys or oral or manual.
so I think your going to have to adjust your expectations on what sex will be like for you guys. that might even be fun it don't have to be bad. make it an adventure rediscover true intamicy.

good luck.
 
#13 ·
There are also a lot of great resources/books out there to give you hope. Here's a couple: Amazon.com: wife dealing with impotence

Let your husband know that you LOVE him no matter what.

Also, I would encourage you to consider going to a support group if you can find one for couples dealing with impotence (ask your doctor for suggestions) or even consider doing some counseling so that you can work through this TOGETHER.

God Bless.
 
#14 ·
Reading all the replies I begin to wonder if any of them have this issue. If they did, there would be more thoughtful replies. The part where your man doesn't touch you at all in fear he cannot deliver really has importance. You might be able to find the right method if affection wasn't absent.
 
#15 · (Edited)
Having gone through some ED issues with my husband, I understand your frustration and feelings. However, I am a little concerned about the part where you say he found out you were entertaining the ideal of going elsewhere for sex. Is it possible that his withdrawl from you has something to do with that part of your situation also? I can only think that learning that you would consider having sex with someone else was devasting to him. The brain is an important sex organ you know.

I am not condeming you or chastising you in any way, because I really do understand where you are coming from. Have you expressed your feelings to your husband about his withdrawl and lack of any intimacy? I just wonder if you two are communicating on this issue and are not still sweeping it under the rug, pretending all is OK, when clearly it is not - for either of you.

Can you afford to see a sex therapist? I would strongly - strongly recommend you see one. That is how my husband and I got help for his ED issues. It was especially helpful in opening up our communication with each othere and expressing our fears and frustration about the situation in a very helpful way. And then we were able to work TOGETHER on consstructive ways to deal with it. The therapy helped pull us closer to each other, rather than tearing us apart, which sounds like what may be happening in your marriage.
 
#16 ·
However he recently learned that I was entertaining the idea of getting sexually fulfilled elsewhere as a result of my frustation and we began to openly discuss the problem.
Do I understand correctly that you told a man already suffering from performance problems that you might just go cheat on him?

It is completely unsurprising to me that he lost all sense of intimacy with you. Honestly, I would assume that that poison pill is still festering and you've only seen the tip of the damage so far.

If I'm understanding that scenario correctly than oh boy... that was a doozie.
 
#19 ·
Can he exercise ? Get him doing something cardio for at least 30 minutes every day walking briskly, riding a recombant bike , eliptical etc etc this will help the mental side of the issue and get blood flowing in different places also believe it or not watermelon contains some natural vitamins that help in this area nitric oxcide to be exact

Good Luck
 
#22 ·
We also struggle with ED in our marriage.

ED is a 'we' issue, not his alone. You're both suffering.

I know how important it is to be gentle to him. He's probably pretty sensitive about it, and it can be soooo discouraging for a man to feel like a failure.

But this is also a loss for you, and sometimes you have to grieve that this part of your marriage is over. It's something you cherished, enjoyed, got pleasure from, and now it's gone. Grieve it. Get him to share his feelings and let him grieve also.

But your marriage, and your sex life, don't have to be over. Just different.

But neither of those things can recover without intimacy - in the bedroom and out. He needs to take some responsibility here and start stepping up his affection, globally. You both need to relearn the whole sex thing now that things have changed. It can still be really fullfilling and really pleasurable without intercourse. But you should encourage him not to rule that out completely. Sex is not one thing, but a whole bunch of things that our bodies can do. Use intercourse as just one act out of many that may take place in your bed. Make it a rule for the time being that he CAN'T come from intercourse. If he gets close, he has to pull out. For the next little while, get used to another kind of sex. Have an open mind.
And never stop talking to each other. You can't be embarrassed about this stuff. He can't help it any more than you can. But he's still your husband he still owes you satisfying sex. He doesn't need an erection to do that.
 
#25 ·
I want to quote here what I said in a thread to another. It's long, but I dealt with this, and I'm very open about it and had success with it.

I will say that if you've made him feel you will cheat because of the ED and inability to fulfil you, well, you are going to have to correct that mistake before he has a chance of getting better. That thought will haunt him and keep him from engaging in sex with you in any way because he feels like he's being judged and his lack of performance will chase you away. It is a tough, tough thing to deal with as a man. Being open, honest, and dealing with it delicately is the only way out.

This obviously does not represent what you / he is going through completely since he cannot take the meds, but again, having dealt with it myself, I know where he is coming from.

Did this start with the ED, or before that?

And is he managing his ED with meds like viagra?

He seems affectionate and loving, but can't bring himself to be intimate. I can see a few possibilities, or a combination of any of them....

He's bored with the sex life. But I'm not so sure that would be the case as it's hard to get so "bored" you NEVER want it.

His testosterone levels are low. He should get checked. If those levels are okay, then it's deeper than that.

It could very well be his ED. I have it. This is where this post gets long, because I can tell you it can be an all consuming and painful thing for a man, and very hard to overcome. But I did, and it was not easy. Here's how I managed it:

If he's not on meds, he needs to try them. And even then, they're not magic pills that can control what's in his head. If he still has fears of not getting or maintaining an erection, even with the pill, that can be enough to lose one. I'm speaking from experience here. I have had some form of ED since I was in my late 20's. Even with the pill, if my head "goes there" and starts to worry about it, IT is not happening. When this happens to a guy, at least for me, it was crushing. I lived in fear of a sexual encouter. The fear of losing an erection was all consuming. I could think of little else, so I just avoided it by not putting myself in a position where it could happen. I went a long time without dating years ago, in the prime of my life, because of it.

When I did start, thank god it was with a considerate woman who did not care about it, and helped me work through it. BUT, and this is a big one...I HAD TO LET HER KNOW MY FEARS AND LET HER HELP ME! I really took me being far more open than I wanted to be. If I was going to fix the problem, I had to confront it, this very embarrassing issue, WITH another person. That took a lot. But I am so thankful I did. Slowly, with no pressure from her, things got better. There was frequent sex, and no pressure for intercourse. It took quite a few times of me getting to the point of orgasm several times and quickly switching to intercourse to start building confidence again. I also had to not push myself and just allow myself to orgasm other ways without even attempting intercourse all the time.

On your part...help him. The number one thing I had to tell my wife, several times, was "I promise you this (difficulty with erections, we still had plenty of sex) is not about YOU, this is about ME. Don't be sefish and insecure and make this about YOU! Please do not put that kind of pressure on me!" She feared it was her. It was not. And her fears that she was not attractive to me or that I did not want sex with her fueled my fears, and did not help. I had to get blunt and forceful with her, that if she was going to be insecure, insensitive, not trust what I was telling her and make it about herself, it was not going to work. I had to reassure her in a lot of ways it had nothing to do with her attractiveness or my desire to have intercourse with her. Only when she truly understood it was not about her, did she let it go, and things got better. Amazingly better. We have intercourse 1 to 2 times a week on average, sometimes more than that. Much more than that. Sometimes, when the stars align, it's 2 to 3 times a day. And we have found that with all the other great sex we had while I was working on my issue, that intercourse is but a small part of sex. We have sex in so many other ways still that don't involve intercourse just because what we've learned together it is just so much damn fun without even going there!

What your husband may need to understand is he can please you so many ways without intercourse, until he is again able to do that. When I was dating my wife, we rarely had it because I'd lose erections right before or during intercourse the moment the "oh crap, am I gonna lose it" or during intercourse "damn, am I hard? Am I losing it now?" thoughts would creep in. BUT, we had PLENTY of sex, and she said it was (and continues to be) the most amazing sex of her life. I really wanted to be a good lover despite my ED / performance anxiety issue, and so I learned. A lot. Now, I've never thought I was a bad lover, was always considerate and attentive, but damn, I was nowhere NEAR the lover before I had this issue that I am now. Not even close. I researched. Watched videos on technique. Researched some more. About giving great oral. About the G-spot, how to find it, and how to give her mind blowing orgasms with my hands and mouth. About the differences between clitoral and vaginal orgasms. How to time and "blend" those different orgasms for her into one earth shattering blended orgasm. How to get a woman to have a g-spot orgasm and ejaculate (I know not all are capable of this, but many are, my wife is now, though she never was before and like others thought some of these things "myth" or that she was just not capable of them. It has blown her mind after herself being in a sexless marriage for 15 years and never experiencing all these different things before herself). I became hyper-attentive during sex. I made sex about her orgasms, and got myself into the mindset that if I didn't have one, or couldn't perform, that was okay, because I knew she was having mind blowing sex with me. I was determined NOT to lose this woman because she wasn't satisfied in bed. I needed that, because I had to remove the fear from myself that I would lose her if I couldn't maintain an erection and perform.

Once she got past the fears of it being about her and my reassurance it wasn't, satisfied she became. Then something great happened. The pressure was off of me. The frequency of our intercourse started to increase. Slowly but surely. Now, all those fears are essentially gone for me, and it is virtually never an issue. But it took time, openness, trust, and understanding.

Now, on the flip side of my experience, I know of one other person with the same issue. The husband of my wife's close friend. He is not dealing with it. He's avoiding it. He satisfies his needs through porn because he's too afraid to have sex with his wife. It's been a year. A YEAR since they've had sex. She's not yet ready to leave, but is ready to have an affair because she cannot deal with the crushing emptiness of not being touched. He won't go to the doc, and won't get the pills. He's just avoiding the issue. And he's losing her. I gave my wife the go ahead to talk to her and tell her about my issues and how I resolved them, and offered to talk to her about how she can help him past it.

Your husband needs a wake up call. He needs to know he can lose you over this. NOT lose you over not having intercourse, but lose you over the fact that you are not being touched and fulfilled. There is NO reason for him to not be able to do that. If he can rub your feet and give a massage, he can "rub" and massage you in other areas. He should be starting with the foot rub. He should not be ending with a damn foot rub!!! And if ED is the main issue, and he addresses that, once he starts to see he can please you in bed without intercourse, the pressure will start to lift for him.

But, he needs to stop being self centered and selfish. Because that is exactly what he's doing by not confronting his fears - no matter how bad they are - and taking steps to do things for you to make you feel fulfilled and satisfied. And a hard penis can have so very little to do with bringing someone sexual satisfaction and intimacy. THAT is what he better wrap his head around and understand. Sex does not have to be mutually physically satisfying. It's something you can and should do for the one you love. When it is mutually physically satisfying, then it's incredible. Until then, his emotional satisfaction through fulfilling your desires and needs should be all the motivation he should ever need. It seems more prevailant in a woman's mindset I believe, but men have it too...this mentality that if "I don't want sex, why should I have to do it? It's my body, blah, blah, blah". Ugh. Do we feel this way when we're giving a back rub for christ's sake? NO! It does not have to be mutually physically satisfying! It's important to your partner, just as backrubs, foot rubs, paying the bills, being a good caring husband and father, wife or mother is. What is mutually physically satisfying about any of that? Yet involve a couple silly body parts below the waist, and suddenly it's okay to not fulfill your partners very real needs because it won't be earth shattering for you?!!! Where the hell did that mentality come from?
Good luck. This does NOT sound like an impossible obstacle by any means. But it will take some work.
 
#27 ·
same here ...10 years without sex or even a kiss....
I'm a beautiful sexy woman with all the right features .....lol
men are usually around me like flies........not my husband though....):...it hurts........

getting ready to have a quiet lover ,not able to leave due to financial issues .......
husband did not do a n y t h i n g all these years ......despite me begging,crying ,getting mad ...not even 1 thing.......

I feel so unloved and frustrated...it doesnt help he is a handsome ,strong,smart ,man with big sexy chest and arms ...I wanted him so badly but he always pushed me away like a piece of nothing...
.
he is not a very nice person in general and always thinks about himself first thing.........

feel like crying...
I love him but I'm in my 40 ties now and there is a big chance

I will never have sex anymore ......things just went too far ...

anyway my advice is /I read that online/ Your husband if he loves U and wants to please U got to make sure U have an orgasm first or even 2 of them ,orally or using vibrator etc ...and then U help him to have his orgasm the way he wants ...this way U r both happy and relaxed , satisfied...

good luck ...!!!!!!

when U love each other there is always a way .....):
 
#28 ·
Thanks for sharing your story, I don't feel as alone in my troubles. We've been married 20 years, the short version is this: He has much pain since his vasectomy in 2001. Then had a long term affair until 2006 living away from me & the kids for 4 years during that time. Since his return in 2007 he has slept on the couch in the living room. Any advances I make are shrugged off, or responded to by sighing. He thinks making dinner & going out places should fulfill me. He despises public shows of affection, even done descretely. He's tried twice since his return to be physically intimate with me, but it was him wanting satisfaction, no consideration for my feelings. Anytime I bring up wanting physical intimacy, he gets irate. It's been ten years, I am at the end of my rope, I have mentioned getting physical satisfaction in other ways which just pisses him off more. he talked to a doctor once about lack of errection, got some Chinese pain cream, but never attempted to use it. I don't know where to go from here. All I can think is he just doesn't want ME anymore, and should therefore set me free.
 
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