Sigh...my husband is impotent and I am frustrated.
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Navigation »Talk About Marriage »Focused Topics »Sex in Marriage » Sigh...my husband is impotent and I am frustrated.

Sex in Marriage Sexual problems are common in many relationships. This section is for discussions about sexuality. Please limit discussions to those asking for help with a problem and those offering advice. Any other threads may be deleted.

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Old 08-30-2011, 04:38 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Default Sigh...my husband is impotent and I am frustrated.

My husband and I have been together for almost 20 years, married for almost 14. We have an amazing relationship, we are truly in love each other and more than anything we really like each other. We truly are friends.

IN the past few years my husband has battled and is still battling several health challenges and as a result he now suffers from erectile dysfunction. He is able to have erections, but unable to maintain them to complete the act. He is able to have an orgasm usually before he loses the erection and if he doesn't I have helped him manually or orally, but then I am then left sexually frustrated.

Until recently we had not discussed my frustation and the ED problem because I didn't want to embarrass him and I suppose he was a bit in denial. However he recently learned that I was entertaining the idea of getting sexually fulfilled elsewhere as a result of my frustation and we began to openly discuss the problem. We are now both in agreement that there is a problem, but unsure of what to do next.

Now that my husband is out of denial he has almost completely stopped touching me. I feel like I live with a roommate or a close friend. All intimacy has left because of his fear of disappointing me. And I think that he has stopped touching me because he doesn't want it to lead to anything that he can't finish.

I feel like I live with a roommate or good friend. I've explored the ideas of a PA with someone and I currently have a serious crush on someone, but I have not pursued anything and I doubt that I will. But I hate feeling the way that I feel.

Anyone BTDT? Not sure what my expectations are in terms of advice but I really am at a lost.

Last edited by lovejones; 08-30-2011 at 04:52 PM.
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Old 08-30-2011, 04:41 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: Sigh...my husband is impotent and I am frustrated.

Have you two tried any of the ED medications? What about "non-intercourse" options, like toys, oral, manual, etc?

C
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Old 08-30-2011, 04:55 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: Sigh...my husband is impotent and I am frustrated.

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Have you two tried any of the ED medications? What about "non-intercourse" options, like toys, oral, manual, etc?

C
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My husband cannot take any of the medications because they would make his other health issues worse.

He has tried and been willing to try toys, oral, manual, etc, but it's not the same for me, those things we've done before the ED problem all were a form of foreplay and that how they continue to live in my mind, so to me they should all lead to intercourse and again, I am left unfulfilled. Which I guess I was okay because there was some intimacy, now there is none.

I feel so selfish for wanting more than he can give me, which is probably why he has withdrawn from me.
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Old 08-30-2011, 05:01 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: Sigh...my husband is impotent and I am frustrated.

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My husband cannot take any of the medications because they would make his other health issues worse.

He has tried and been willing to try toys, oral, manual, etc, but it's not the same for me, those things we've done before the ED problem all were a form of foreplay and that how they continue to live in my mind, so to me they should all lead to intercourse and again, I am left unfulfilled. Which I guess I was okay because there was some intimacy, now there is none.
Have him get seen by a urologist. One of my options is to take an injection in the penis prior to sex to have a long erection. I believe it is a saline soultion, so it should not hamper his other medical problems. Try to get a top notch urologist referral.
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Old 08-30-2011, 05:01 PM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: Sigh...my husband is impotent and I am frustrated.

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My husband cannot take any of the medications because they would make his other health issues worse.

He has tried and been willing to try toys, oral, manual, etc, but it's not the same for me, those things we've done before the ED problem all were a form of foreplay and that how they continue to live in my mind, so to me they should all lead to intercourse and again, I am left unfulfilled. Which I guess I was okay because there was some intimacy, now there is none.
To go outside of your marriage would be a mistake, imo but yet I get your frustration. Anything done that both aren't agreeing on is underhanded and cheating and will destroy your marriage.

Maybe you need to change your viewpoint about intercourse being the ultimate act? Perhaps if your husband is willing to give you the big o in other ways and still be intimate with you, then you can learn to compromise.

If you want your marriage and value your husband and he feels the same, surely some compromise can be reached. You and he both are going to have to compromise as it can't be what it was before. You willing to do that?
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Old 08-30-2011, 06:46 PM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: Sigh...my husband is impotent and I am frustrated.

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My husband cannot take any of the medications because they would make his other health issues worse.

He has tried and been willing to try toys, oral, manual, etc,
He's giving you everything he can.Your body wants more, but your heart is in the way, as it should be.

Imagine if your positions were reversed. Imagine you were unable to have intercourse or please him. How would you feel? What would you expect? Would the vows still be relevant?
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Old 08-30-2011, 09:21 PM   #7 (permalink)
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Sorry I am on my iphone and do not know how to quote.

I wanted to say that i will not act on my desires, as my desire to keep my marriage and family in tact greatly outweigh my physical desires. It's just so frustrating to want what we had in the past and to not have it. I am willing to compromise I can learn to enjoy whatever intimacy that we can enjoy together but he has just become so withdrawn from me. And regarding what I would want for him if were me... If I have to be honest I'd want him to be fulfilled and if after a year or more I'd be willing to allow him to get what I am unable to provide. However I am a strange person in that regard and I know that he doesn't feel the same so I would never pursue this for me.


Thank you for info about the injection info. I will mention it to him.
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Last edited by lovejones; 08-30-2011 at 09:28 PM.
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Old 08-31-2011, 04:37 AM   #8 (permalink)
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Default Re: Sigh...my husband is impotent and I am frustrated.

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Originally Posted by PBear View Post
Have you two tried any of the ED medications? What about "non-intercourse" options, like toys, oral, manual, etc?

C
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Or implants....
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Old 08-31-2011, 04:43 AM   #9 (permalink)
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Default Re: Sigh...my husband is impotent and I am frustrated.

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Originally Posted by lovejones View Post
My husband and I have been together for almost 20 years, married for almost 14. We have an amazing relationship, we are truly in love each other and more than anything we really like each other. We truly are friends.

IN the past few years my husband has battled and is still battling several health challenges and as a result he now suffers from erectile dysfunction. He is able to have erections, but unable to maintain them to complete the act. He is able to have an orgasm usually before he loses the erection and if he doesn't I have helped him manually or orally, but then I am then left sexually frustrated.

Until recently we had not discussed my frustation and the ED problem because I didn't want to embarrass him and I suppose he was a bit in denial. However he recently learned that I was entertaining the idea of getting sexually fulfilled elsewhere as a result of my frustation and we began to openly discuss the problem. We are now both in agreement that there is a problem, but unsure of what to do next.

Now that my husband is out of denial he has almost completely stopped touching me. I feel like I live with a roommate or a close friend. All intimacy has left because of his fear of disappointing me. And I think that he has stopped touching me because he doesn't want it to lead to anything that he can't finish.

I feel like I live with a roommate or good friend. I've explored the ideas of a PA with someone and I currently have a serious crush on someone, but I have not pursued anything and I doubt that I will. But I hate feeling the way that I feel.

Anyone BTDT? Not sure what my expectations are in terms of advice but I really am at a lost.
Get this book. Read it and give it to him. It will change his thinking on sex.

This is not the end of the world, it's just a new phase that, if you two can adjust to it, may make sex better than it ever was.
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Old 08-31-2011, 06:14 AM   #10 (permalink)
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Default Re: Sigh...my husband is impotent and I am frustrated.

This book is written by Sex therapists - it would be very helpful for the 2 of you right now.

Amazon.com: Let Me Count the Ways: Discovering Great Sex Without Intercourse (9780874779561): Marty Klein, Riki Robbins: Books


If intercourse is THAT important to you, I would look into

1. Penile injections - if he can do that : Impotence treatment - penile injection therapy for erectile dysfunction

2. A Penis Pump- using a band to hold his erection, I think that can be in place for like 30 minutes at a time.

Penis Pumps: Vacuum Constriction Devices for Erectile Dysfunction on MedicineNet.com ... Penis Pumps for Erectile Dysfunction | PenisPumpWarehouse.com

3. . Penile Implant -he should be a candidate. Penis Implants – Get the Facts on Penile Implant Surgery – Cost


If this ever happened to my husband, we would be doing one of these 3 , cause for me, Intercourse is the end all, I can hardly orgasm from oral , and yeah, I would feel very very sad if this happened - I feel for your situation.

For him and what he is going through, I can not even imagine how hard THIS is on him. Coming to peace with a situation like this will take some "grieving" for what you both have lost, Determination & enough love & understanding to make it work between the 2 of you -no matter what, with neither bailing and turning inward. This will be even harder for him, as this is the most vulnerable thing he has ever had to face in his life, he needs to know you will be there for him -through it all.
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Old 08-31-2011, 07:40 AM   #11 (permalink)
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Default Re: Sigh...my husband is impotent and I am frustrated.

your husbands ED is a result of health issues.

sorry that you have to deal with this.

but he seems to have an attitude that he would do for you as best he can weather it be toys or oral or manual.
so I think your going to have to adjust your expectations on what sex will be like for you guys. that might even be fun it don't have to be bad. make it an adventure rediscover true intamicy.

good luck.
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Old 08-31-2011, 07:42 AM   #12 (permalink)
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Default Re: Sigh...my husband is impotent and I am frustrated.

Quote:
Originally Posted by lovejones View Post
Sorry I am on my iphone and do not know how to quote.

I wanted to say that i will not act on my desires, as my desire to keep my marriage and family in tact greatly outweigh my physical desires. It's just so frustrating to want what we had in the past and to not have it. I am willing to compromise I can learn to enjoy whatever intimacy that we can enjoy together but he has just become so withdrawn from me. And regarding what I would want for him if were me... If I have to be honest I'd want him to be fulfilled and if after a year or more I'd be willing to allow him to get what I am unable to provide. However I am a strange person in that regard and I know that he doesn't feel the same so I would never pursue this for me.
Is there any chance of things going back to the way they were? I hope he can get better and the two of you can resume where you left off.

As far as intimacy, it seems you need to take charge of that. He's withdrawn possibly due to depression of his current situation which really can cause more problems than any physical ailment in a guy's sex life.

If his situation is permanent, then really it may be just a matter of time before you go outside of your marriage. It's tough to say due to the limited information, but really I don't envy your position and I hope you're able to find a discrete balance between your needs and taking care of your responsibilities.
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Old 08-31-2011, 07:42 AM   #13 (permalink)
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Default Re: Sigh...my husband is impotent and I am frustrated.

There are also a lot of great resources/books out there to give you hope. Here's a couple: Amazon.com: wife dealing with impotence

Let your husband know that you LOVE him no matter what.

Also, I would encourage you to consider going to a support group if you can find one for couples dealing with impotence (ask your doctor for suggestions) or even consider doing some counseling so that you can work through this TOGETHER.

God Bless.
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Old 04-18-2012, 03:17 PM   #14 (permalink)
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Default Re: Sigh...my husband is impotent and I am frustrated.

Reading all the replies I begin to wonder if any of them have this issue. If they did, there would be more thoughtful replies. The part where your man doesn't touch you at all in fear he cannot deliver really has importance. You might be able to find the right method if affection wasn't absent.
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Old 04-18-2012, 04:21 PM   #15 (permalink)
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Default Re: Sigh...my husband is impotent and I am frustrated.

Quote:
Originally Posted by lovejones View Post
My husband and I have been together for almost 20 years, married for almost 14. We have an amazing relationship, we are truly in love each other and more than anything we really like each other. We truly are friends.

IN the past few years my husband has battled and is still battling several health challenges and as a result he now suffers from erectile dysfunction. He is able to have erections, but unable to maintain them to complete the act. He is able to have an orgasm usually before he loses the erection and if he doesn't I have helped him manually or orally, but then I am then left sexually frustrated.

Until recently we had not discussed my frustation and the ED problem because I didn't want to embarrass him and I suppose he was a bit in denial. However he recently learned that I was entertaining the idea of getting sexually fulfilled elsewhere as a result of my frustation and we began to openly discuss the problem. We are now both in agreement that there is a problem, but unsure of what to do next.

Now that my husband is out of denial he has almost completely stopped touching me. I feel like I live with a roommate or a close friend. All intimacy has left because of his fear of disappointing me. And I think that he has stopped touching me because he doesn't want it to lead to anything that he can't finish.

I feel like I live with a roommate or good friend. I've explored the ideas of a PA with someone and I currently have a serious crush on someone, but I have not pursued anything and I doubt that I will. But I hate feeling the way that I feel.

Anyone BTDT? Not sure what my expectations are in terms of advice but I really am at a lost.
Having gone through some ED issues with my husband, I understand your frustration and feelings. However, I am a little concerned about the part where you say he found out you were entertaining the ideal of going elsewhere for sex. Is it possible that his withdrawl from you has something to do with that part of your situation also? I can only think that learning that you would consider having sex with someone else was devasting to him. The brain is an important sex organ you know.

I am not condeming you or chastising you in any way, because I really do understand where you are coming from. Have you expressed your feelings to your husband about his withdrawl and lack of any intimacy? I just wonder if you two are communicating on this issue and are not still sweeping it under the rug, pretending all is OK, when clearly it is not - for either of you.

Can you afford to see a sex therapist? I would strongly - strongly recommend you see one. That is how my husband and I got help for his ED issues. It was especially helpful in opening up our communication with each othere and expressing our fears and frustration about the situation in a very helpful way. And then we were able to work TOGETHER on consstructive ways to deal with it. The therapy helped pull us closer to each other, rather than tearing us apart, which sounds like what may be happening in your marriage.

Last edited by mary35; 04-18-2012 at 04:33 PM.
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