Restrained sex.. how to get started? - Talk About Marriage
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post #1 of 12 (permalink) Old 12-17-2015, 02:33 PM Thread Starter
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Restrained sex.. how to get started?

We sometimes watch porn together, so I know she enjoys looking at sex where the woman is restrained ... kind of gentle, mock rape scenes.

Problem is that she's a bit claustrophobic and probably has trust issues too. Also, a bit timid about what she tries out in bed.

Question: how do we get started on introducing restraint sex in bed?
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post #2 of 12 (permalink) Old 12-17-2015, 02:35 PM
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Re: Restrained sex.. how to get started?

How about talking about it and formulating together a plan of action.

Good things come to those who wait...greater things come to those who get off their a$$ and do anything to make it happen.
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post #3 of 12 (permalink) Old 12-17-2015, 02:45 PM
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Re: Restrained sex.. how to get started?

Good evening
Talking is a good first step.

Then you can try tying her in a way that she can immediately escape if she needs to: Imagine tying a long scarf into a loop that goes around a bedpost or similar. Then you can put a hand or foot in the loop an sort of warp / twist it around. It will hold the limb securely, but you can escape instantly by reversing the action. It lets the tied up person thrash around, but know that they can get free anytime they want.

Then have a safeword - so she knows you will stop.

You can also start by letting her tie you up - so she can see how the game works in a non-threatening way.
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post #4 of 12 (permalink) Old 12-17-2015, 02:45 PM
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Re: Restrained sex.. how to get started?

Agree with Bibi. Maybe start just holding her hands above her head, or wrapping a scarf around her wrists that she can easily remove if she feels the need.

Love is an ideal thing; marriage is a real thing; a confusion of the real with the ideal never goes unpunished. - Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

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post #5 of 12 (permalink) Old 12-17-2015, 02:45 PM
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Re: Restrained sex.. how to get started?

Start with tying her wrists together - scarf, belt, tie. Blindfolds. Something she can easily get out of or remove if she needs to. But first, of course, talk to her!
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post #6 of 12 (permalink) Old 12-17-2015, 02:48 PM
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Re: Restrained sex.. how to get started?

Quote:
Originally Posted by brownmale View Post

Problem is that she's a bit claustrophobic and probably has trust issues too. Also, a bit timid about what she tries out in bed.

Question: how do we get started on introducing restraint sex in bed?
Step one is to resolve her trust issues.

Darling it's better down where it's wetter, take it from me! --- Sebastian
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post #7 of 12 (permalink) Old 12-17-2015, 02:56 PM
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Re: Restrained sex.. how to get started?

Ummm let her tie you up as a "trust building exercise"
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post #8 of 12 (permalink) Old 12-17-2015, 04:06 PM
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Re: Restrained sex.. how to get started?

My wife has similar claustrophobic issues. Two suggestions: One is, just use a blindfold with no restraints (you can use your hand to hold her arms in place above her head). My wife likes this a lot and will do things that way that she wouldn't otherwise do (like oral after PIV). The other suggestion is, if you restrain her, only restrain her wrists. Leave her ankles free until you can build up some trust. I use velcro cuffs that she could get out of if she tried hard enough. Actually she has gotten out of them when I finished and went to the bathroom to get a wash cloth. I think that makes her feel safer than buckled leather or actual metal cuffs would.
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post #9 of 12 (permalink) Old 12-17-2015, 04:26 PM
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Re: Restrained sex.. how to get started?

Not everything I like watching in porn is something I want to do myself so make sure you talk to her beforehand. There are starter kit stuff with scarves and other mild bdsm tools on pretty much any sex toy website. Why not sit down together and pick one out, it would get the conversation going about what is ok and what is not.
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post #10 of 12 (permalink) Old 12-17-2015, 04:55 PM
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Re: Restrained sex.. how to get started?

While I agree with the all the advice on talking and a safe word, if she is still timid about the idea, there may be a way to ease her into the game.

I suggest you DON'T restrain her to start with. Instead, give her something to small hold, something that requires both hands, something that she can't bend or break. Perhaps a length of wooden dowel or a large serving spoon, for example.

The game would be she MUST hold that object with both hands as an introduction to the game. This would limit her ability to move without actually binding her.

If she finds that pleasurable, THEN you can go to the light/loose restraints. I would start with the feet, leaving the hands free, as she will feel much less confined that way.

If that goes well, then move to the loose hands restraints. This will allow the trust to be built in a safe and controlled manner.
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post #11 of 12 (permalink) Old 12-17-2015, 05:12 PM
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Re: Restrained sex.. how to get started?

I think that you are getting lots of good advice. My advice would be to avoid actually using any knots that tie her up for quite a while. There are still things you can do that can feel like tieing, but are only an illusion of restraint. Sometimes illusion is what is needed.

David Schnarch suggests in his book the Passionate marriage to break things down into steps and make sure that the person masters each step and is comfortable in performing each step prior to doing a large complex act.

Giving her a loop of soft cord/rope and having her wrap the loop around the back of her wrist, but close the fingers/hand around the cord in the palms of her hands is one way of providing an illusion of restraint. As long as she holds her hands closed she can pull against the rope loop with all her strength, but if she chooses to unclench or open her hands then the hands will pull right out of the loop of rope.

Read up on after care. This is where afterwards you help the person regain their emotional center, where you reconnect and make them feel loved and appreciated, where their embarassement gets transformed into pride and love.

Good luck.
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post #12 of 12 (permalink) Old 12-17-2015, 06:45 PM
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Re: Restrained sex.. how to get started?

Quote:
Originally Posted by brownmale View Post
We sometimes watch porn together, so I know she enjoys looking at sex where the woman is restrained ... kind of gentle, mock rape scenes.
Devil's advocate here!

I had a girlfriend in college that really liked to watch porn scenes where something particular was being done to a woman. I later found out it was not because she wanted that done to her, but she wanted be able to try that with another woman.

While I did not come right out and ask a question, there is one in there somewhere when you read between the lines! So if you want to play out this fantasy, be prepared to get very creative with your role playing abilities!



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