no more kids, and no more sex, and birth control

bell · 09-06-2011, 02:23 PM

okay we have two beautiful children and are very satisfied with the two. I wish we could have a larger family, maybe one more, later on. For now we are trying to be careful and it makes me very worried to get pregnant and its interfering with our sex life. I just dont know how to handle it. Most of the time when we start to have sex i get all anxious and freak out over if we have a condom and get mad if he starts without one and so on...especailly when we start to have sex or during the middle of it, and sometimes i make an excuse to stop during. I used to have a IUD but it felt so un-natural and gave me other complications. I think I want to get on something else soon, but meanwhile its just bothering our sex life because Im so worried to get pregnant again. plus my husband hasnt been treating me as affectionate and makes me feel we shouldnt hes starting not to trust me! I dont know what to do because I want to have sex and all that but need to feel more connected first, plus I almost feel like if he doesnt want more kids, then why should I give it up. Can anyone else relate a or share any suggestions?

PBear · 09-06-2011, 02:42 PM

If my lover started to "freak out" (and stop in the middle of) when we had sex, I'd probably start to withdraw from her (intimacy wise) as well. No offense intended. But that's just making what should be a fun and relaxing romp in the hay a stressful event, apparently without a finale.

My advice... Figure out a way to feel safe with having sex again, and implement that plan sooner rather than later.

BTW, I'm not sure about the last part of your message... The wording gets a little garbled. Are you saying that if he doesn't want more kids, then why should you have sex anymore? That's not a recipe for a healthy marriage, IMHO. You two really should work on communicating more completely your desires and issues.

C

CallaLily · 09-06-2011, 02:48 PM

If the IUD isn't an option and gives you problems, what about the pill or another alternative?

Scannerguard · 09-06-2011, 03:23 PM

My ex-gf had the procedure where they burn the fallopian tubes entirely but it's a one way ticket. (forget the name)

The fact that you are saying, "Um, not sure, maybe i want one more. . ." a reputable OB/GYN would never consider doing it.

I have heard many women rave about the IUD. . .no hormones. . .what was your issue with that?

WorldsApart · 09-06-2011, 04:56 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by bell

plus I almost feel like if he doesnt want more kids, then why should I give it up.

This is something you need to work out immedately with your husband. Sex is one of the major reasons men get married, and if you really think he shouldn't get any more because he doesn't want more kids, he should know about that sooner rather than later.

Everything else you've described is a huge negative feedback loop. You don't want to have sex because your afraid of getting pregnant, so you freak out and push your husband away. This is going to make him pull away from you and be less affectionate. This makes you more insecure, and you start rejecting him more, because you "don't want to give it up". So he's going to stop trusting you because he doesn't know what's going on.

Break the cycle and talk to him. Also, given the choice, most men are not going to be happy with using condoms, especially in a committed relationship. There's a wide array of birth control available that are far less intrusive. Talk to your OB or planned parenthood.

Also, you didn't mention the age of your children. Any possibility of post partum depression on your side?

Pandakiss · 09-06-2011, 06:25 PM

mirena--the gyno puts it in, and there are no pills or anything to remember.

and it comes out when you want...the gyno will remove it.

you dont feel it.

Jamison · 09-07-2011, 07:03 AM

If you found a good birth control method that worked for you and didn't cause you any complications, would you continue to have sex with your husband? Is it more about scared of getting pregnant due to not having the right birth control? Or do you really just not want to have sex period?

dearhusband · 09-08-2011, 09:09 PM

Condoms are awesome.

Rosie123 · 09-09-2011, 12:18 PM

Find a birth control method that works for you and get over it! lol

PBear is right. His issues are most likely stemming from your freaking out-ness during sex.

HelloooNurse · 09-09-2011, 12:49 PM

I wouldn't recommend getting another IUD. My doctor told me those things are notorious for causing scarring to the area, and thus making you infertile. Unless he was talking BS, which is highly possible. The implanon is good. Get the doctor to whack it in your arm and you are good to go for 3 years, lol. You forget its even in there!

Hicks · 09-10-2011, 06:19 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by bell

, plus I almost feel like if he doesnt want more kids, then why should I give it up. Can anyone else relate a or share any suggestions?

OUCH!

I feel very sorry for your husband if you think sex is some reward for you to give up only when he expresses a desire to have a child.

Elliott · 09-13-2011, 11:33 AM

My wife now has an IUD. I can feel the little string thing from time to time. And like you, it hurts her as well. It took her body 7 months to adjust to it.

But the down side is the IUD destroyed the remainder of her sex drive (prior to the IUD she was on the pill for a while).

I'd like to know what you've come across so far. We are having the same issue, my wife wants to remove the IUD but we don't know if their is another contraceptive that will erase the little sex drive she has that's on life support (and every month needs resuscitation).

Enchantment · 09-13-2011, 01:33 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Elliott

My wife now has an IUD. I can feel the little string thing from time to time. And like you, it hurts her as well. It took her body 7 months to adjust to it.

But the down side is the IUD destroyed the remainder of her sex drive (prior to the IUD she was on the pill for a while).

I'd like to know what you've come across so far. We are having the same issue, my wife wants to remove the IUD but we don't know if their is another contraceptive that will erase the little sex drive she has that's on life support (and every month needs resuscitation).

Any type of hormonal birth control - whether it's the pill or the shot or hormonal IUD (Mirena) - can potentially mess with a woman's drive because it messes with her hormones. You mess with the hormones or you suppress ovulation (when certain hormones like progesterone and testosterone are secreted) and you can have a changed physical drive in a woman. Of course the same thing happens during pregnancy and peri-menopause/menopause. The type and severity of change that happens can vary from woman to woman since every person has their own unique hormonal profile.

There are a number of non-hormonal options you could try (especially if the IUD causes pain) including condoms, diaphgrams, etc. You and she should check with her ob/gyn about what options there are and what might be a better fit for her. She shouldn't have to endure something that took so long to get used to and has undesirable/uncomfortable side effects.

Best wishes.

bell · 05-10-2012, 01:31 PM

got on the pill and everythings been better since. Just wish we had more alone time

unbelievable · 05-10-2012, 01:39 PM

If you want to feel more connected to your spouse, withholding sex is self-defeating. I can't imagine a quicker way of making oneself irrelevant or worse. Why should you "give it up"? If you don't, you position yourself to be his enemy, his torturer. He will either go elsewhere to get that which you promised or he will remain in place and despise you.