Sex in MarriageSexual problems are common in many relationships. This section is for discussions about sexuality. Please limit discussions to those asking for help with a problem and those offering advice. Any other threads may be deleted.
I love my husband dearly, although he has many flaws I can work with/overlook, the one I can't is his want to have a threesome.
He's told me this quite often since we started dating. I made a point of asking him before we got married if I didn't want to do it, would it be a problem for him. He denied that it would and almost got mad that I would think it. We have now been married for 3 1/2 years.
The problem now, though, is that any time we have sex (its been almost 8 months now since the last time) he asks me if I will. He refuses to talk about it at all unless we are probably 10 minutes into sex. He even ordered me once that I had 6 months (until his birthday) to find another girl to bring to him. How degrading! I feel like I can't flat out say no becuase he'll get mad and stop. I've waited 3weeks to 7-8 months, like I'm going to sabatoge it when its finally happening. I think he waits until the middle of sex so that he kind of has me cornered, like he can force me to agree to it.
I am trying to decide if I should just get up and walk out the next time he does it. If he would let me talk to him about my feelings of threesomes (cheating with the spouse in the room) I would agree to talk about it during sex if that would help him get off, as long as he knows that whatever I say during sex would not happen in real life.
I guess what I'm looking for is first of all, agreement that I am not being a *****, second that my wishes are not out of line and third anyones idea on what I can do that might help/fix the problem.
If you and you alone are not enough for him, it is his problem. Do not compromise on this... your heart and mind and everything is telling you this is wrong, listen to them. If you are not enough for him, he simply doesn't deserve you. I would say this points to a bigger issue in his life, probably an addiction to pornography. But if he doesn't yet see it as an issue of concern in his life it is going to continue to be an area of contention. Confront him and ask if he thinks having a threesome is going to benefit or destroy your marriage? If he truly, reasonably, logically and ethically sees absolutely nothing wrong with it then I feel really bad for you that you are with this man. You are much too valuable to have to put up with this and be degraded in the sense that you are just not enough for him. Somehow, get your husband to recognize this IS wrong... All the best...
No offense but that is disgusting behaviour from your husband! If it happened to me in my marriage, it would definitely be a dealbreaker. I don't mind a partner bringing it up once every now and again to talk about and fantasize about or whatever, but if they kept approaching it like your husband is, he would have my size 8 boot kicking him out of our front door. You have already talked to him about it by the sounds of it, so now it is time for consequences.
Actually I had an ex that was like a mild version of that. He knew the very idea was not my piece of cake and I had told him that I found it pretty gross but he was obsessed with it. At first I just put up with it and humoured him, but then it really started to get on my nerves. So then, every single time he brought up the topic (he really wanted us to actually have a 3some) and he was getting all hot and bothered, I would say something that would instantaneously ruin the mood. Like for instance, he was very homophobic about gay males, so I would say it was my turn to talk about something hot and I'd make something up (that was extremely graphic) about a threesome involving 2 males and 1 female having sex, and talking like I found it extremely arousing when the two males got it on. His fantasy was 2 females and 1 male, btw. I thought maybe if he knew I would start fantasizing about this every time he brought up the threesome thing, he would learn not to talk about it. But for some reason he didn't seem to cotton on to this, and he kept going on and on (and on and on) about the damn threesome thing. It ruined the mood every single time but the next day he would start up about it again.
So I got rid of him. And my problems were over. I pity the next fool that went out with that man.
Looking - do a little reading about the effect of porn on relationships. 3somes are common in porn and men who have a weak phychologicl makeup have a hard time separating the fiction of porn with real life. Your husband seems to be one of the weak minded men who has need adversely affected.
Women are portrayed as willing to do what ever the man wants for his pleasure, she offers no resistance, demands nothing, and endures any degredatiin so that he gets pleasure. This is what is turning your husband on that is his idea of arrousing sex. He is not making love or connecting with you in a mutually satisfying intimate physical contact, he is getting himself off using you. His idea of sex may be that your job is to be the porn actress and do what ever gives him pleasure.
You are not setting boundaries - you will have mutually satisfying intimate love making or nothing. If he wants sex with a sexbot you dont do that. You are not telling hom what to do or punishing him you are telling him what you will do and inviting him to join. He is free to do so or find someone else.
Let him go. Believe me, he will regret it, if he thinks wen will be throwing themselves at him 2 X2 to worship his penis he is in for a rude awakening. He will be lucky to get a woman to have sex with him for more than a month with his attitude.
For this and all future relationships set firm hard boundaries and mean it. Don't be degraded, after he gets his 3some and you are devastated he will want more and worse. Porn sex is becoming normalized in the minds of men, sensible women make sure that it stays in their heads.
You don't owe him porn sex you owe each other love, safety, caring, respect, and nurturing. Porn sex has none of that. Woman-up and take care of yourself. Posted via Mobile Device
Wow.... I wish I could keep true and tell you what you need to change about yourself to get a different reaction from your partner, because you cant change him, only yourself.
Unfortunately there is nothing to be done. He is narsisistic and a douche.
I have never once given advice telling someone to GTFO, but Im giving it to you now. I truly doubt you will ever see anyy change, and if you stay in the relationship chances are he will eventually wear you away until you give in. Thats right, based on your OP the only way this marriage is going to work is if you are willing to watch/participate while your terrible, asshaty of a husband has sex with another girl.
He even ordered me once that I had 6 months (until his birthday) to find another girl to bring to him. How degrading! I feel like I can't flat out say no becuase he'll get mad and stop.
Wow. Personally, if it were my H, he wouldn't be getting anymore sex with me until he agreed to STFU about this forever. He doesn't appear to be respecting you at all. I think you should get up and walk out the next time he brings it up, and then let him know that you are not interested EVER in doing it in real life and if he cannot understand that then perhaps your marriage is over. Sorry you are going through this
Looking - do a little reading about the effect of romance stories on relationships. Perfect emotional connections are common in romance and women who have a weak phychologicl makeup have a hard time separating the fiction of romance with real life. Are you the kind of weak minded woman who has need adversely affected?
Men are portrayed as willing to do and say what ever the woman wants for her emotional fulfillment, despite how difficult it might be in reality for a man to make himself that vulnerable; in romance he is strong but gentle, successful, demands nothing, and endures any degredatiin so that she gets emotional fulfillment. This is what is making you frustrated that is your idea of arrousing sex. You are not being arousing to him or indulging in the mutual exploration of your sexuality, you are expecting him to understand intuitively your unrealistic expectations about the role of deep emotional fulfillment without a deep physical connection using him. Your idea of sex may be that his job is to be the dashing, emotionally expressive, sensitive and vulnerable prince charming and do what ever gives you deep emotional fulfillment, regardless of his own needs or desires.
He is not setting boundaries - he will have a mutually satisfying exploration of your physical relationship and the depth he feels it would give your relationship or nothing. If you want emotional fulfillment with a mandroid he doesn't do that. He is not telling you what to do or punishing you he is telling you what he would like to explore and inviting you to join. You are free to do so or find someone else.
He'll probably let you go. Believe me, you might regret it, if you think men will be throwing themselves at you 2 X2 to worship your irresistible looks and fascination with your inner emotional landscape you are in for a rude awakening. You will be lucky to get a man willing to have sex with you for more than a night with your attitude.
For this and all future relationships (if any) perhaps you both set firm hard boundaries and mean it. Neither one should be degraded, but after you get your sensitive declarations of adoration and he is humiliated you will want more and worse. Romance is becoming normalized in the minds of women, sensible men make sure that it stays in their heads.
He doesn't owe you regular indulgences in insipid emotional bonding, nor should he feel he has to sacrifice a cherished fantasy because you are uncomfortable with it, you owe each other love, safety, caring, respect, and nurturing. Romance has none of that. He should man-up and take care of himself.
Hmmm. When I put it that way, it kinda makes things look a little different. Doesn't it?
Did you read her post? Your response has no relation to her problem. She is not asking for more romance; she just refuses to bring another woman into the relationship. How does this humiliate him? He told her he would be OK with this before they got married, but he changed his mind afterward.
If he wants a threesome, he should go find one, but he should not have married a woman who only wants her husband in the bedroom.