Sex in MarriageSexual problems are common in many relationships. This section is for discussions about sexuality. Please limit discussions to those asking for help with a problem and those offering advice. Any other threads may be deleted.
I told my husband that I was leaving, I had already made the arrangements to do so and go stay with my mom. He said that since i was going to leave him there was no point on fixing our marriage. He told me he has no issues with me. He asked me if I have ever considered that he is the one that has the problem.. (meaning that he has erection problems. Which it does happen some of the time.)This was over the phone.
When he got home we started to argue about things. He got defensive, i got defensive the usual stuff. I don't want to fight with him i am tired of it. I said can we just have a conversation with out fighting, without sarcasm, with out getting defensive, and with out a crappy tone. We can't fix it if we constantly fight. Fighting has gotten us no where so far. During the heat of the moment. I did tell him that i hated him.. Later i told him that i dont really hate him.. That i do really love him. and that I am just really angry at him. Me telling him that i am angry at him upset him.
We actually got somewhere last night. We talked and didn't fight. He still says he has no issues with me.This is what i got from him.. That i walk around like a zombie (which is true.) I dont touch him (true). I haven't said i love you in months with out him saying it first(true) And that i show no emotion, hence walking around like a zombie. (I dont show any emotion in front of him.) Last night i lost it, I cried and i had to leave the room.. I think that truly upset him.
I did tell him it is not all about sex, that is not all i need from him.
I did mention to him that i think we need to talk to a MC. He said we just dont have the money.. I will have to see what i can find out there. I think it would be beneficial for us to see one. Not having the money or not. We are going to have to do something and i think we will may need the help.
I know this will be a long road.. things will not get better overnight.. It is going to take time. I just hope that he really knows how serious i am about everything. And that the way things are can't stay the same. I am going to put everything i have into fixing my marriage.. I hope he will do the same.
He asked me if I have ever considered that he is the one that has the problem.. (meaning that he has erection problems.
This is a very difficult thing for a man to discuss with his lover.
This is all bruised ego, I`m a pretty secure confident guy but ED problems really **** with my head and feeling of self worth towards my wife.
Go easy here, lots of empathy if and when he talks about it because it`s very difficult.
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He still says he has no issues with me................................. That i walk around like a zombie (which is true.) I dont touch him (true). I haven't said i love you in months with out him saying it first(true) And that i show no emotion, hence walking around like a zombie. (I dont show any emotion in front of him.)
Did you catch this?
He said he "has no issues with you" and then he goes on to state numerous issues he has with you.
He may have some trouble in his communication skills as this seems to be a direct contradiction.
It may take short simple "gentle" pinpoint questions to get him to get this stuff out to you.
Lady, the porn isn`t the problem, the sex isn`t the problem, you guys keep talking/yelling past each other.
You`re only communication seems to be mutual verbal abuse.
That`s the problem.
Swallow your pride or lose your marriage.
Your call.
Take a deep breath. First of all - I am not going to comment on your views regarding porn in a marriage. You absolutely are entitled to your opinion.
I absolutely believe that it is wrong to watch porn when you know your partner wants you and you are using porn as a replacement for marital sex. In a way it is a type of cheating.
Why is he watching porn instead of taking care of his wife?
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Originally Posted by ladybird
No! i am the one who wants sex more then once every 2 months. I would like a minimum of once a week. I am never to tired.. I have also never told him NO! I want sex and he knows it.
He said that since i was going to leave him there was no point on fixing our marriage.
You obviously want to end it or you wouldn't make such an issue of this porn business.
Today a buddy emailed me something about "boating" that turned out to be an explicit slide show of 3 naked women pleasuring each other on a yacht. I looked at it briefly and then went upstairs to rub lotion on my wife's back as she stepped out of the shower (we both work out of the home). So, long story short, we then had just about the nicest sex I can remember during the hour before our daughter got home from high school.
Had I not watched the porn, it might not have occured to me to check the clock and see if there was a realistic chance to squeeze that into our day.
If you are having enough sex together, then what business is it of yours how he spends his free time? If you're not, then WORK ON THAT. If he doesn't have an erection on demand he can probably still give you an orgasm in a very intimate way if you guys use one of those vibrating rings that goes over the base of the penis. You can buy them next to the condoms in most any store now.
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Originally Posted by ladybird
I did tell him that i hated him.
I think what you meant was that as much as you care about him, you resent the fact that he's tampering with your dream of how your married life should turn out.
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Originally Posted by ladybird
He still says he has no issues with me.
I know I'd have an issue with you being such a bossie pants about little porn.
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Originally Posted by ladybird
I did tell him it is not all about sex, that is not all i need from him.
You need to make a habit of stopping to caress each other, SO OFTEN that it couldn't possibly lead to sex every time. Celebrate your partnership the way a business throws an annual company picnic to celebrate the organization, only do it every day. You have navigated through an uncertain life together, depending on each others' strengths, supporting each others' dreams.
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Originally Posted by ladybird
i think we need to talk to a MC. He said we just dont have the money.
My wife and I saw one a few times a couple years into our 20-year marriage. I think we both agree the lady was incompetent and that the main thing we got out of it was that I was not acting like my wife's happiness mattered. The result was we started having iron-clad dates at least every two weeks.
If you both believe a commited partnership is the best way to navigate life, then you have to make the separate decision whether to work on the one you have. I think you would benefit from studying some polyamorous groups. I'm not saying even consider getting into swinging, but these people have such a healthy outlook. They think of love like a desert or a beautiful sunset. Just because you enjoyed a great desert together, is that any reason to resent that he enjoys a desert when you're apart, or any reason to worry that he'll enjoy the next desert you share less? It's a hard concept to grapple with if you're not used to it, but just trying to appreciate that a good-hearted and commited couple could live that way may open your mind up and liberate you from worrying about this trivial porn issue.
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Originally Posted by ladybird
I am going to put everything i have into fixing my marriage.. I hope he will do the same.
If you mean you hope he will straighten up and play by your rules, you're doomed.
I have issues with porn I always have, ESPECIALLY more so now since he does that instead of wanting to be with me. He should respect my feelings.
It is just like some men to BLAME the wife for everything.
Wife doesn't want sex, blame the wife, if the wife wants sex and the husband refuses but chooses porn over her then it is the wife's fault again.
I am not a controlling person.. He has HURT me deeply.. I can't imagine that most of you would even begin to understand.
I am here to try to fix my marriage... Not to be ridiculed or judged. because i dont like porn and i believe it has no place in a marriage. Unless it is OK by both parties involved.
Yes i have not been doing some things.. like touching him, telling him i love him, etc, but you know something he stopped doing these things long before i stopped. He pushed me away so in return I did that same.
So i guess that my marriage problems are all my fault and i guess if he wanted to i should let him sleep with another woman if that is what he truly wanted.... Right?
Besides porn, what else do you not permit this adult to view, read, watch, listen to, etc? Why would you presume you have the right to dictate what the man looks at? I don't like everything my wife watches on TV or listens to but she's an adult. Is it possible you've become a little controlling? I used to have such a spouse and after listening to her pushy demands all day, having sex with her wasn't real high on my priority list. The guy obviously is into sex and you are too, so he either has a problem with you or he fears he can't actually perform sexually.
I am reading the first book, it is pretty good detailing marriage problems and how we should deal with it. Kind of Christian like, but when we need advice and we don't have money for councilors, books are the cheapest and most efficient way. People's marriages were saved by reading these books.
Kindness and respect are the most important attitude we need to have when we try to get along with people, include our spouses.
This is a very difficult thing for a man to discuss with his lover.
This is all bruised ego, I`m a pretty secure confident guy but ED problems really **** with my head and feeling of self worth towards my wife.
Go easy here, lots of empathy if and when he talks about it because it`s very difficult.
Did you catch this?
He said he "has no issues with you" and then he goes on to state numerous issues he has with you.
He may have some trouble in his communication skills as this seems to be a direct contradiction.
It may take short simple "gentle" pinpoint questions to get him to get this stuff out to you.
Lady, the porn isn`t the problem, the sex isn`t the problem, you guys keep talking/yelling past each other.
You`re only communication seems to be mutual verbal abuse.
That`s the problem.
Swallow your pride or lose your marriage.
Your call.
ladybird
If him getting an erection has been a problem before then the thought of it can kill sex drive. Afraid that it will happen again. Make sure there is not a medical reason for it.
Communication is so important in a relationship.
Working through my own issues with my hubby.
Ladybird... I totally understand how you feel! My hubby RARELY likes to have sex and I am like wanting it twice a day!!! He's happy with doing it once a week and "claims" (since we met) that he's not a sexual person... I found porn on his phone a few months back and confronted him about it and like your H he denied it... REALLY!?! Come on, we aren't stupid!
I agree with you leaving cause to me if you aren't a sexual person... WHY LOOK AT PORN!!! I totally understand how you feel hun.
About your son... he will adapt to whatever you have to do! It will be hard in the begining but EVERYTHING is hard in the begining. You have to look out for the best interest for you and your son! I never stay with a man souly because he provides with money or because you have a child together... you are hurting your son even more by staying! Do what's best for YOU and your SON!
Being a single mother isn't the worst thing in the world! You can do it!!!
It wouldn't be all that bad when asked about if he wouldn't lie about it. Thing that bugs me is it is not like i reject him in the 15 plus years we have been together i haven't once. but has issues because i bought a sex toy for us to use and i didn't ask him about it first... he doesn't ask me if he can watch porn either... The toy was for us, the porn is just for him.
I am reading the first book, it is pretty good detailing marriage problems and how we should deal with it. Kind of Christian like, but when we need advice and we don't have money for councilors, books are the cheapest and most efficient way. People's marriages were saved by reading these books.
Kindness and respect are the most important attitude we need to have when we try to get along with people, include our spouses.
Thank you GreenPearl... I will get the books you recommended.
IF the 2 of you truly love each other & are both willing to not give up, sounds like it-guy's story could become your story. Read his posts again, get a feel for how your husband feels, when he opens up to you again , do not defend yourself, just listen to his pain. It has to start with someone. The defensive merry go round is what has slaughtered your relationship, NOONE is hearing the other, but focused on thier pain alone.
When he is telling you "nothing is wrong" to your face, he is not being honest, he is trying to make light of it , he is used to hiding. He FEARS Vulnerability (most people do!) . But still.... he has given clues to what has led him here --HURT over your choosing a toy over him, hurt over his failure (erection problems), and I am sure, as it-guys has explained -any form of EA. I am sure this plays in his mind as well -then the fighting, defenses on top seals his silence and doing his own thing.
I wouldn't move out -if you want to save this , as angry and hurt as you are (Believe me , I FEEL for your side too --BIG TIME, I think in the past I told you to outright leave him, life it too short !!), he has attempted some transparency with you -(even if in an angry email)- these clues regarding his pain in all of this --there IS something here to work with!! You & he need to sit down - and allow each other to speak fully without interrupption -get to the roots of this -before any rebuilding is going to take place.
He is afraid of this to some degree -while you are running out the door. Both of these are working against hope & reconciliation.
If you allow him to vent, be determined to see his side, without defense -if you can give him that--he is likely able to turn around and see -just how deep, how wide, how high he has hurt you also.
This right here took a huge tool on his manhood -not something easy to admit -but he did it in this angry email ...forget the context, focus on the words spoken...
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you didn't even ask me before you got it that made me feel like **** too like I'm not good enough anymore
....And his saying this to you (over the phone)
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He asked me if I have ever considered that he is the one that has the problem
There it is --- Deep hurt, painful embarrassment-it is not easy for a man to admit these things. Now you are in the position .....to stay, demonstrate you deeply desire to get to the roots of this and work past the pain. That YOU love him too much to give up.
Accept he has been hurt BY YOU ... DEEPLY LISTEN, no defenses -sometimes we just NEED TO BE HEARD, and understood, that is the greatest gift.
And here, what you spoke here, does HE know you feel this way >>>
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I was looking for what i was missing from my relationship. I realized that I was missing my husband and he is the only one who could fill that void... I feel as if i have lost a part of myself, my husband is truly a part of me, loosing him would be like losing my soul. I feel that i have already lost him and i have lost all hope of ever restoring what we once had.. I cant begin to describe what is was like, it was like heaven. It seems like it was a dream and so far out of reach.
Words like this can soften his heart, and he may feel more comfortable opening up to you. I agree with It-guy, it will take MONTHS of crying, striving to get over the pain & resentment but when you love, this is what you do !!
Re: So upset! 
but has issues because i bought a sex toy for us to use and i didn't ask him about it first... he doesn't ask me if he can watch porn either... The toy was for us, the porn is just for him.
