uncomfortable with sexual requests
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Sex in Marriage Sexual problems are common in many relationships. This section is for discussions about sexuality. Please limit discussions to those asking for help with a problem and those offering advice. Any other threads may be deleted.

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Old 09-12-2011, 03:35 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Default uncomfortable with sexual requests

My husband of over 8 years is asking me to do some things sexually for him that make me very uncomfortable such as exposing myself to others in public. It's such a long story of how we got to this point and I am on my phone so it's hard to spell it all out but basically he has voyeuristic tendancies which is fine except he wants me to be the exhibitionist. I have tried a few things over the years and have been what I feel is very open minded, but it turns out that I don't like being an exhibitionist. As a matter of fact I find it humiliating and a complete turn off. We have compromised with going braless, but that is not enough for him. We tried web cam stuff but I find that really uncomfortable too. We fight over this recurringly. He doesn't understand the anxiety, depression and alcohol abuse (basically I have to have a lot of liquid courage to fulfill his fantasies) that go along with this for me. He says I am boring and need to show him sexual excitement every day. I say he is being completely disrespectful of my feelings which makes me question his love for me. I say he needs to show me loving, romance and companionship, which I feel should come before extra curricular sexual activities. He completely disagrees and denies any wwrongdoing and places the entire blame on my unwillingness to be hthe prop in his sexual fantasy, which is really all I feel like. I am a mess. I know that I am not the most exciting person in the world, but I don't think I'm a bore either. He thinks I have a low libido, but actually it is pretty healthy, I just don't initiate as much as I would like to because when I get home he says snide or degrading comments. Why would I want to have sex with someone who treats me like that? In writing it down it sounds bad, like why would I even be with someone like that? But I love him and we do have 4 kids and we were good together at one time . Sigh. What a mess.

Eta. Oh and he watches porn daily too. Porn that is centered around his fantasy, upskirt stuff, nip slips, naked pizza delivery stuff. Just saying.
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Old 09-12-2011, 03:53 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: uncomfortable with sexual requests

Im running out of time, but I predict something....

Virtually every single person who responds below me will tell you he is a domineering ass hat, and you need to stand up for yourself, or GTFO!
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Old 09-12-2011, 03:55 PM   #3 (permalink)
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That's the thing. I am standing up for myself. Hence the Worst Fight in the History of Our Marriage. Maybe I'm just looking for some validation in my feelings.
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Old 09-12-2011, 04:11 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: uncomfortable with sexual requests

I have a post from yesterday that is in the same genre, but my husband want to have a threesome. I dispise the idea, don't want to do it, and have told hime so. He continues to ask me no matter what I say. I think your feelings are exactly the same as mine.

I love my husband and we have an 8 mo old together, but I don't want to be forced into something that I don't agree with both emotionally and spiritually. Some of the posts on my question would go well here. If he doesn't care enough about you to cut back on some of the things that you want even if he knows that it will hurt you, is it worth it?

I have yet to sit down with my H and have the converstation that you seem to have had already. I hope mine goes in the direction that I would like. Good luck to you!
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Old 09-12-2011, 04:22 PM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: uncomfortable with sexual requests

Yep, a domineering ass hat. Tell him you are his wife, not his ho. He will not be satisfied with whatever you do for his fantasies, so do not even think of indulging them.

Was he always like this? If not, do you have any idea what made him change? This is utterly wrong. DO NOT tolerate it. Do not let your children see a mother who indulges an immature, selfish father.
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Old 09-12-2011, 05:37 PM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: uncomfortable with sexual requests

*sigh* There always seems to be a lot of porn-fueled fantasy issues that come up.

Bottom line - you should NOT have to do anything that you feel is painful, disgusting, degrading, or potentially illegal (such as exposing yourself in public.) The marriage vows don't say anything about that.

You need to stand up to your husband and tell him to cut it out - literally - he needs to cut out the porn and turn his affections and desires entirely on to you and not into some fantasy land.

Set some hard boundaries with him, stand up for yourself, and keep your self respect.

"They cannot take away our self-respect if we do not give it to them." ~ Mahatma Gandhi

Don't let your selfish husband take your self-respect away.

Best wishes.
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Old 09-12-2011, 06:35 PM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: uncomfortable with sexual requests

Quote:
Originally Posted by SockPuppet View Post
Im running out of time, but I predict something....

Virtually every single person who responds below me will tell you he is a domineering ass hat, and you need to stand up for yourself, or GTFO!
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Old 09-12-2011, 07:52 PM   #8 (permalink)
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That's the thing. I am standing up for myself. Hence the Worst Fight in the History of Our Marriage. Maybe I'm just looking for some validation in my feelings.
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Validation granted.

This is not healthy, respectful or loving.
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Old 09-12-2011, 08:01 PM   #9 (permalink)
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Default Re: uncomfortable with sexual requests

I have voyeur fantasies, too. I like for my wife to "show a little skin" when we're out. I also like to fool around in semi public places where we feel exposed, but there is really no threat of being caught.
My wife is open to some of it, but sometimes the answer is "no" or I'll try some gentle persuasion, but I never try to force her to do anything.

How about some compromise? Maybe showing off where it "seems" public, but is isolated or just giving him a show in your bedroom at night? he could be outside the window playing "peeping Tom"?
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Old 09-12-2011, 08:04 PM   #10 (permalink)
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Of course they are the SAME thing.
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Old 09-13-2011, 08:45 AM   #11 (permalink)
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Default Re: uncomfortable with sexual requests

A fantasy is called that for a reason.

I think some things your willing to do is good, but others like this, is too much ... especially if you need alcohol.

I understand you want to make him happy, but if you simply can't do it. Don't. especially that you did try .... sounds like many times .....
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Old 09-13-2011, 01:24 PM   #12 (permalink)
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I never understood the appeal of this exhibitionism nonsense. People who can't get off without being in public are mentally sick, IMHO. From what you're describing, you are 100% right and he is 100% wrong. You shouldn't have to compromise here. I'm sorry you're going through this.
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Old 09-13-2011, 02:29 PM   #13 (permalink)
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Default Re: uncomfortable with sexual requests

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I have voyeur fantasies, too. I like for my wife to "show a little skin" when we're out. I also like to fool around in semi public places where we feel exposed, but there is really no threat of being caught.
My wife is open to some of it, but sometimes the answer is "no" or I'll try some gentle persuasion, but I never try to force her to do anything.

How about some compromise? Maybe showing off where it "seems" public, but is isolated or just giving him a show in your bedroom at night? he could be outside the window playing "peeping Tom"?
Her post indicates that she has already compromised as far as she is willing to go.

We all have a line that if we cross that it's too far and so she knows where hers is and imo she should not be made to feel badly for knowing where her boundary is nor should her husband disrespect her boundary by continually pestering her. She has already went farther than she wanted to for him and it's not right that she should be told to compromise some more.
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Old 09-13-2011, 06:27 PM   #14 (permalink)
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Her post indicates that she has already compromised as far as she is willing to go.

We all have a line that if we cross that it's too far and so she knows where hers is and imo she should not be made to feel badly for knowing where her boundary is nor should her husband disrespect her boundary by continually pestering her. She has already went farther than she wanted to for him and it's not right that she should be told to compromise some more.
I offered a suggestion. That's all.
We all compromise in our lives in a lot of areas.
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Old 09-14-2011, 09:51 AM   #15 (permalink)
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Default Re: uncomfortable with sexual requests

Mine pressures me for anal sex, I don't want it, the idea revolts me. He is, let's just say, of a size that I am quite certain it won't feel good. Then he too tells me I am boring, etc. That is so not fair so I know how you feel. Maybe I should tell him to go down on another guy to turn me on and then when he says no tell him he is a boring prude.
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