Enchantment

It sounds like you have a great marriage!

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Enter these enchanted woods, You who dare. ~ George Meredith

Hicks

Who is saying that a man should coerce, manipulate or mindgame anyone? Also, who is saying that you should appear physically dangerous. I have not seen those posts.

For a man who is satisfied with his sexual life, no further action is required. I think anyone with an ounce of common sense realizes that. For a man who is dissatisfied with his sexual life, he can either take actions to change it, or accept it and suffer, or wait around for her to wake up and change (see accept it and suffer), or ask for a divorce.

Sawney Beane

for reference, see for instance:
Gaming the Wife

Dominance vs. respect in a strong but troubled marriage (esp. responses by BBW)

I'm not questioning the statement above (my emph.). What I question is the view that it's all about mind games and sh1t tests and appearing to not give toss and being scary and a ton of other guff the seems to imply that love has f*ck-all to do with anything andthat marriage at it's best is like a high-maintenance hobby or at worst a full time job that if you take your eye off for an instant will crash about your ears.

__________________
Can you rokker Romani chib, pal?
Aye, aye, brother!
What's Weshenjuggalslomomengreskeytemskeytudlogueri?
I don't know what you say, brother.
Then you don't jin Romani chib...

Sawney Beane

Thank you! We both think so, and it doesn't involve infantile mind games or squaring up to one another like a couple of scrapyard dogs.

__________________
Can you rokker Romani chib, pal?
Aye, aye, brother!
What's Weshenjuggalslomomengreskeytemskeytudlogueri?
I don't know what you say, brother.
Then you don't jin Romani chib...

chillymorn

it depends on the individuals who are married some people get it (what marriage is all about) and some will never get it because of various reasons.like selfishness, or just plain ignorant/closed mindedness.

kekel1123

Im getting this. It all applies to me. Number 1 to 6. I just asking my self , is it my wife using another pseudonym? lol! Peace! Thanks for the enlightenment. Another Query is, If she really want dont want it and I feel like doing it, IS MASTURBATION (me) an acceptable behavior for women?
I know wife does not like porn, even magazines, . I dont want to cheat on her,All I want is just a RELEASEShe is conservative, no BJ, and other kiny stuffs. I love her to bits. Married 9 going 10 next year, has only child (daughter age 8).

Hicks

I don't mind you quoting me. But for the record I have never said or implied anything like that.

Sawney Beane

Yes, I know you haven't. I never said YOU did. Next?

__________________
Can you rokker Romani chib, pal?
Aye, aye, brother!
What's Weshenjuggalslomomengreskeytemskeytudlogueri?
I don't know what you say, brother.
Then you don't jin Romani chib...

SimplyAmorous

I agree these are the ONLY options there is .

I have gotten plenty ANGRY with my husband over choosing "accept it and suffer" over not choosing "actions to change it" - specifically VERBAL actions , a little conflict -to alert me of how he was feeling, the most he did was do my dishes & try to clean the house thinking that would up my desire for him. That was just plain silly to me, I had no clue what was on his mind, yes I was a stupid one.

I was one of those who WOKE up, or he would likely still be suffering to some degree, though getting older, the flame is not burning as high as it was back then.

__________________
"Love Good Blog"

maccheese

I agree with habits and cleanliness. I got out the shower this morning to find my husband had dripped a good amount of pee, not on the toilet, not on the toilet seat, but on top of the toilet seat. How do you do that AFTER you're done peeing? I told him he could simply wipe himself after peeing to catch the extra instead of continuously dripping pee everywhere (as it always ends up on the floor.) I told him it was a turn off, then he had the nerve to ask me for sex 3 minutes later. Um...gross.

ladybird

I always want sex, so there is no excuse for him!!

Catherine602

Thanks for the encouragement but you can not believe what a mental struggle it is for me. I have had this fantasy for at lest 6 months - when he comes home from work I attack him when he shuts the door - push him against the wall and ... Well you know. I can't get it out of my mind and I have come so close to doing it but I chicken out. I think - suppose he likes it at first but then does not want me to be like that again. But that is me now, suppose he can't love the me I have become ??

I love him too much to screw things up with a stupid fantasy. I would be devastated if he no longer respected me that would be worse than losing his love. Just wish I could get this fantasy out of my head. It can get elaborate if I let it. I may get brave some day.

? To the men - have you had a partner who changed from shy to not so shy? how did it make you feel? What face saving action should I take if he does not like to be surprised. I don't know if I describe him well here but, he likes taking care of people and he is good at running things and is organized and active.

I have only seen two people dominate him - FIL and his brother. He does not like dominant woman. I am not dominant -.I just want to have some fun with him! What do you think? How would a man like this react?
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dbj1971

Ahh, the topic of sex again. The lack of sex is a source of so many marriage problems, and is also a symptom of other problems. Lack of sex leads to other problems which leads to more problems like resentment and distance which hinder any spark for sex, leading to further lack of sex, which causes further resentment, distance and problems, which causes.....

Any time you start a topic like this, I can tell you how it divides out as far as where everyone stands and their responses. Some (men and women) will relate; they have high sex drives and they rightfully see sex as an intricate and absolutely essential part of an intimate relationship with their spouse. Of those, some will have the fortune of being in a mutually fulfilling relationship in which both partners blissfully have sex drives that, if not always in sync (after all, there are illnesses, PMS, stress, and other things that can hinder the mood in any given day) are at least on the same wave-length. Still others will have the mis-fortune of desiring sex but having a partner who could take it or leave it or is downright cold-shouldered. Then, there are still others who don't really see what all the fuss is about because they, while maybe not hating sex, don't really need it and don't see why it should be a source of such tension and division within a marriage. For them, if they had it once a night or once a month, they're good. Whatever. So, the responses you get are all over the map and the spectrum, as we've seen in these 13+ pages of responses.

It would be nice if men and women could get together and be on the same wavelenght sexually, at least in terms of their average desire and frequency. Sadly, it is common to hear of one of them wanting it much more often than the other.

Someone once said that if the sex is great and both are satisfied with their sex life, then sex is 10 percent of a great relationship. But, if there is dissatisfaction sexually, then it is 90 percent of the problems in the marriage. It reminds me of a story that illustrates the differences in perception when sex means more or less to each person. A husband and wife go into marriage counseling, and are questioned separately at first. The husband is asked how often they have sex, to which he replies, "hardly ever, only once a week." Later, the wife is asked the same question, to which she replies, "all the time, like once a week!" Now, you could reverse the genders, but you get the point.

The sad thing is that often times there is no easy or simple solution. I mean, a man can have the looks of Johnny Depp, the charm of JFK, and the "bad boy, rebel" persona of Billy Idol or James Dean and even then, some women would not want frequent sex with him. Sometimes, there are deep-seated emotional problems or medical reasons why the libido has been smothered or is at zero. So, communication may help and should be tried, doing more around the house may help and should be tried, etc. But at some point, if there is all giving and no getting back, then the sex-starved person is just being taken advantage of or is taken for-granted. Balance is the key. Push and pull, give-and-take, yin and yang. The poor husband is falling all over the wife's moods, doing all the laundry and housework, tending to her every need and want, going out at 1 am for chocolate runs, back rubs, etc and is just waiting for a crumb of her "affection" to fall on him. Why do you think guys call getting sex "getting lucky?" Because it seems like winning the lottery to some men to get physical affection (and to some women too -- I am mindful of you ladies who are hurting, too).

The bottom line is that if your spouse seems cold, uncaring, or unaffectionate, pull back. Don't do it in spite or in meanness, and don't announce it, just do it. Don't be so available; have outside interests, do other things for YOU that make YOU happy. Get a new hobby, go out with the guys, go to a ball game, go watch the big game over a beer at the local pub (have a good time, but don't act like a fool and get drunk). Keep it real. Enjoy yourself. Give less affection to your sex-withholding spouse, and don't always be the first to say "I love you" or initiate kisses. Meanwhile, work on feeling better about yourself. Distance your sense of self and self-esteem from the rejection of your spouse and how they react to you. Start to see his or her rejection as possibly something that is wrong with them, not necessarily you. Sure, if sex is a problem then we all must do some real self-reflection, because we may very well be doing something that is hindering or hurting our spouse, such as criticism. However, there are people who are suffering in sexual frustration and feeling somehow guilty for it because of the belief that if my spouse is rejecting or unresponsive of me then it MUST be MY fault, right?

Some of you who don't see sex as a big deal and withhold it may be surprised when your partner seeks outside affections. I don't condone that, but you can't starve someone and then self-righteously lambaste them for stealing a bite of food. Continue withholding and thinking you're right at your own relationship's peril.

There are so many vicious cycles. Men need sex to feel affectionate and connected, while women need romance and other things to feel connected so that they get in the mood for sex. Well, that's all fine, but what happens when one of those things gets stopped? A sex-starved man will not feel connected or feel close, and will find that resentment gets in the way of wanting to just cuddle together. Women will feel used if they are seen as just sex objects with no other affection. Someone has to end it somewhere. Be the one that breaks the cycle. Give it your best shot.

Truly, my heart goes out to every one of you. May the bad cycle end and you finally find satisfaction and bliss and mutual understanding. It is encouraging to see so many on here that truly care and want their marriages to work. I feel your pain.

FirstYearDown

Every husband wants to feel like his wife desires him. Your hubby loved when you initiated the BJ, so why wouldn't he like you to jump him? I believe that your husband would be delighted and I would love to read that you stopped overthinking sex.

Does your husband ever express frustration with your bedroom timidity?

I can understand sexual shyness with a new partner, but not with your lifelong mate. Release your inner vixen, Kat. She's dying to enjoy herself.

I would also encourage you to examine where your attitude about sex originated from. I had a very strict and sexist upbringing, so I think that I tried very hard to be an empowered woman in every way. I feel so sad for my poor mother-she's stuck in the fifties, where women are servants to men and a proper lady does not enjoy sex.

HelloooNurse

It's quite easy to dominate a man. Well, I guess you have to have a certain mindset, but once you get into it it is a piece of cake. And from what i hear pretty much all men get off on it. Don't be embarrassed - take what's yours. I'm sure you will have no complaints from him, lol. I know I never have.