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Navigation »Talk About Marriage »Focused Topics »Sex in Marriage » Ladies, if you don't want sex then what is the man supposed to do?

Sex in Marriage Sexual problems are common in many relationships. This section is for discussions about sexuality. Please limit discussions to those asking for help with a problem and those offering advice. Any other threads may be deleted.

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Old 09-13-2011, 08:48 PM   #31 (permalink)
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Default Re: Ladies, if you don't want sex then what is the man supposed to do?

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Originally Posted by janesmith View Post
A husband cant have sex with his wife but she gets her panties in a bunch if he is watching porn or maturbating. Ive never heard of chicks so concerned about their man's sex life when they arent an active part of it


I'm having an issue right now with my husband downloading porn and talking to other women on the internet. Of course I am pretty upset about it but I am also a totally willing partner whenever he is in the mood and truthfully he isn't in the mood often enough to suit me so I have a hard time understanding why he feels the need. If I was withholding sex from him I would think that I would rather have him watching a little porn than having an affair.
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Old 09-13-2011, 10:46 PM   #32 (permalink)
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Default Re: Ladies, if you don't want sex then what is the man supposed to do?

Marriage is all about giving. If both partners are committed to giving things tend to work out. If one is not in the "mood" (within reason, I'm not talking about if one has a migraine or is sick, etc) he/she should still do their best to "pleasure" the one who is in the mood. Inevitably, there comes a time when the other spouse is not in the mood. If we as spouses commit to "giving" it all balances out... Anyway, if you're good at the love-making thing, and not just bent on the love-getting thing, 9 times out of 10 it doesn't take long to get the one who is "not in the mood" into the mood! There is a old Chinese proverb that says, "Love is desiring the best for the object of your affection" So hey, if your spouse needs sex, give it to them and for cryin out loud enjoy yourself while you're at it!
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Old 09-14-2011, 12:20 AM   #33 (permalink)
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Default Re: Ladies, if you don't want sex then what is the man supposed to do?

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Originally Posted by Danielson67 View Post
Marriage is all about giving. If both partners are committed to giving things tend to work out. If one is not in the "mood" (within reason, I'm not talking about if one has a migraine or is sick, etc) he/she should still do their best to "pleasure" the one who is in the mood. Inevitably, there comes a time when the other spouse is not in the mood. If we as spouses commit to "giving" it all balances out... Anyway, if you're good at the love-making thing, and not just bent on the love-getting thing, 9 times out of 10 it doesn't take long to get the one who is "not in the mood" into the mood! There is a old Chinese proverb that says, "Love is desiring the best for the object of your affection" So hey, if your spouse needs sex, give it to them and for cryin out loud enjoy yourself while you're at it!


Well said.
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Old 09-14-2011, 02:20 AM   #34 (permalink)
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Default Re: Ladies, if you don't want sex then what is the man supposed to do?

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Originally Posted by okeydokie View Post
women havent cornered the market on any of the items on your list.
Meee-f*ckin-owww!

However, you are of course absolutely correct. The things on the list apply both ways!
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Old 09-14-2011, 02:31 AM   #35 (permalink)
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Default Re: Ladies, if you don't want sex then what is the man supposed to do?

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Well, the advice I gave was for a wife who attempts to both withhold sex and forbid porn. So of course, if the wife refuses to be sexual I would advise the husband to flaunt the use of porn and tell the wife that she holds the key to ending it f she finds porn and masturbation distasteful. Most likely saying this will not make a wife more sexual toward the husband, but it's really senseless to accept the thought that porn should be forbidden in sexless marriage (to add insult to injury).
In fairness to you, this approach DOES work in some circumstances. This is kind of how the Army gets people to go on through upleasant stuff - that the key to getting past it is in their hands and down to their effort. It works well with people who WANT to succeed. I agree though that in general it isn't going to make someone not motivated to improve get that motivation. It's more likely to have the opposite effect. But then, I guess you KNOW where you are then, don't you?

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Regarding your statement of benefit, if she sees no benefit to being a sexual wife, that is the husband's failure. The benefit being the fullness, richness and pleasure of her married life and family being at stake. Husband needs to provide all of this, and make it so that she would fight hard to keep it.
If she's getting every bit of fullness, richness and pleasure she wants without sex, why would she bother? The husband is trying to sell ice to eskimos.

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Which is why I advised the OP to run with a thought of how to keep his wife sexual, and not run with a thought of allowing his sex life to crumble and then be in a mode where he is stuck with bills, kids, pets etch.
"Keep" implies "already is, can be maintained". If it's already cold and dead? I wonder how much manning up can help in these cases. If a man's wife's sexuality is like a broken down car, if it conked a short time ago, I buy it will work. But with some of the cases here it sounds like the scrap cars I used to see at my granpa's house, that had been there so long there were trees growing through the roof - how do you get THEM running again?
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Old 09-14-2011, 02:32 AM   #36 (permalink)
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Default Re: Ladies, if you don't want sex then what is the man supposed to do?

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Nah mate, I'm just answering the question. this gentleman asked the ladies what is a man to do when his lady does not want sex, I merely provided a list of what he could do to get the sex back. I do not say that she has no culpability in this but she has not asked me what she can do. If she had I would have said do you hold any resentment or anger towards you husband, if so you need to discuss this and resolve it etc etc etc.
OK, expand on the etc etc etc then...
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Old 09-14-2011, 02:35 AM   #37 (permalink)
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Default Re: Ladies, if you don't want sex then what is the man supposed to do?

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Originally Posted by Enchantment View Post
Why would anybody stay with someone who WILLFULLY withholds? I admit that there may be a lot of reasons that totally kill someone's desire for their spouse (including excessive porn use) that could be fixable if both partners are willing to work together on it, but someone who willfully - knowingly, cunningly, manipulatively, obstinately - withholds is just malicious and wouldn't be marriage material in my book. imho.
My emphasis. A lot of people would rather be angry than happy. Hence people of both sexes "...willfully - knowingly, cunningly, manipulatively, obstinately - withhold(s)..."
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Old 09-14-2011, 06:42 AM   #38 (permalink)
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Default Re: Ladies, if you don't want sex then what is the man supposed to do?

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In fairness to you, this approach DOES work in some circumstances. This is kind of how the Army gets people to go on through upleasant stuff - that the key to getting past it is in their hands and down to their effort. It works well with people who WANT to succeed. I agree though that in general it isn't going to make someone not motivated to improve get that motivation. It's more likely to have the opposite effect. But then, I guess you KNOW where you are then, don't you?
Being proud to show that you masturbate when your wife does not provide sex is not the solution to the sex problem. It's a philosophy of life.


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If she's getting every bit of fullness, richness and pleasure she wants without sex, why would she bother?
She will bother when the husband makes it a condition for him to stay in the marriage. If you as a husband are willing to give your wife a great life, and not demand your life be great in return, then you are a doormat.

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Originally Posted by Sawney Beane View Post
"Keep" implies "already is, can be maintained". If it's already cold and dead? I wonder how much manning up can help in these cases. If a man's wife's sexuality is like a broken down car, if it conked a short time ago, I buy it will work. But with some of the cases here it sounds like the scrap cars I used to see at my granpa's house, that had been there so long there were trees growing through the roof - how do you get THEM running again?
IF your wife never had a sex drive, then you should have divorced her before having children. IF she had a sex drive but it now appears to be gone, you should know that it's still in there but has been suppressed. The way to reawaken it is to meet her needs very effectively and if doing that by itself does not work, you have to make it a condition of continuing in the marriage.
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Old 09-14-2011, 06:44 AM   #39 (permalink)
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Default Re: Ladies, if you don't want sex then what is the man supposed to do?

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Originally Posted by Brian. View Post
So everything in a marriage is always the husbands fault? Ok got ya
I was referring specifically to the wife seeing the benefit of being sexual in a marriage. If the wife does not see this currently, who other than the husband can make her see it? The dog?
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Old 09-14-2011, 06:55 AM   #40 (permalink)
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Default Re: Ladies, if you don't want sex then what is the man supposed to do?

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You need to understand that some women are just not sexual and that's that.

Alot of women have no desire, it's just is not there. The husband could be Jesus Christ himself for all it matters but that wouldn't change a thing. To alot of women sex is just unneccesary. Alot of women wish sex didn't exist.
Read the "coping with Infidelity" area to find countless stories of men who were in sexless marriages and eventually find their wife having a highly sexual affair. Women who are denying and suppressing their sexuality are very prone to having affairs. In fact, if your wife is telling you these things and she is not having sex with you, you should be very vigilant in protecting your marriage from an affair.

Women, as pointed out by other women in the follow up responses, are sexual. It's in your best interest in life to be of the mindset that your wife is sexual, that you should not trust her when she tells you otherwise, and that there are steps you can take to draw her sexuality out.
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Old 09-14-2011, 07:28 AM   #41 (permalink)
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Default Re: Ladies, if you don't want sex then what is the man supposed to do?

If I'm not in the mood i usually just do it anyway. But if I was sick or whatever, I tell him to go look at some porn, etc. I have no problem with porn - it is a means to an end. If those women in porn want to degrade themselves for a few bucks then good for them - we might as well make use of it, lol.
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Old 09-14-2011, 01:05 PM   #42 (permalink)
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Default Re: Ladies, if you don't want sex then what is the man supposed to do?

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IF your wife never had a sex drive, then you should have divorced her before having children.
To be honest, the first sentence above whilst undoubtedly correct is about as much help as t1ts on a fish. A lot of the people here are far past that stage.
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IF she had a sex drive but it now appears to be gone, you should know that it's still in there but has been suppressed. The way to reawaken it is to meet her needs very effectively and if doing that by itself does not work, you have to make it a condition of continuing in the marriage.

Is this a long-term solution? What sort of mileage does demanding someone do something they don't want to do actually have? Wouldn't it be simpler to just walk?
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Old 09-14-2011, 01:08 PM   #43 (permalink)
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Default Re: Ladies, if you don't want sex then what is the man supposed to do?

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They only do this if they either resent the other person for something or have self worth issues that manifest in this way. There is deeper stuff to their behaviour, you need to look at the cause not the symptom.
None of which is simple or quick. And at the end of the day, the resenter has to want to give up on the resentment - it's their psychological crutch. My experience is that there are many individuals, and whole groups, that prefer to keep resenting that make the leap to being happy.
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Old 09-14-2011, 01:10 PM   #44 (permalink)
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Default Re: Ladies, if you don't want sex then what is the man supposed to do?

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I was referring specifically to the wife seeing the benefit of being sexual in a marriage. If the wife does not see this currently, who other than the husband can make her see it? The dog?
No-one. If SHE doesn't want to see it, no power on earth can make her.
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Old 09-14-2011, 03:19 PM   #45 (permalink)
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Default Re: Ladies, if you don't want sex then what is the man supposed to do?

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Originally Posted by Sawney Beane View Post

Is this a long-term solution? What sort of mileage does demanding someone do something they don't want to do actually have? Wouldn't it be simpler to just walk?
No where did I say that a husband should just demand that a wife do something. You offer her the choice to participate in the marriage or not.

Would it be simpler to walk? Yes, but if you don't understand how to make a marriage one where a woman will be happy and fulfilled, and as a consequence she will desire to make you happy and fulfilled, you are likely to repeat the outcome.
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