You're welcome! I know for me the lasting damage it did to me was that it wrecked my ability to deeply trust people because let's just say that family members knew and did nothing about it, and when it came out they were worried about the poor scumbag and how he was embarrassed. So that taught me I couldn't trust anyone to protect me.
To this day I struggle with that, even with my husband who I do deeply trust, and now and again the trust thing still rears its head. It's not entirely his fault, I'm probably sensitive to things that others might not be but sometimes it is his fault. This caused us some issues with some very poor boundaries he had with his ex wife and her family.....but they've been mostly settled since I let loose on him. I don't think he realized what a big issue it was.....he knew it wasn't cool but he doesn't do confrontation well so he buried his head in the sand and played dumb.
He likes to do that, but he does learn.
You're never going to have this kind of trusting relationship with your hb.....too much damage. People like us have to establish this trust early on in the relationship or it can't be done, at least I don't think so. Maybe there are others who have had relationships with people who mistreated them and they worked it out but for me that would never happen; once that wall is built it's not coming down. It's just too far for me to go.
Your husband has demonstrated that he can't be trusted and has abused you to bully you into what he wants. You can't have a relationship with him.....period.
If my husband so much as pouted if I didn't feel like sex the damage would be great.....probably sounds like a lot to handle and maybe for some men it would be, but we're going on 11 years and still doing well.
My triggers don't happen that much so that probably makes it a little easier to deal with.
It's huge progress for me to be at the point I am so I'm not especially forgiving about a lot of things.
So maybe all of this makes my job as an actuary a good fit for me because actuaries don't like risk anyway, so it fits right in with my not trusting anyone