Need help describing sex with positive words - Talk About Marriage
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post #1 of 45 (permalink) Old 02-03-2016, 05:27 PM Thread Starter
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Need help describing sex with positive words

I am struggling with what forum to put this in. But since it most likely will be using sexual words and terms I decided to put it here.

I think the folks who be most qualified to answer this would be those who have been threw sexual abuse of some sort or maybe even who are LD. Though all opinions will be appreciated. I am working on an issue in T. I am having great difficulty. I have a history of CSA and rape as a teenager. I also have a history of spousal abuse. I have seen nothing but negative things in regards to sex. There is nothing positive about CSA and rape. I have also been told for the last 20 years that I am worthless, useless, lazy, stupid and many other things. So that being said human sexuality is not a positive thing for me. My H and I are separated, and weather I go back to him eventually or not is not really the point of this thread. I need to get my sexlife strightened out for me. Not for my H or some other man.

My home work from my T was to fantasize what the perfect sexual encounter would be. Due to my abusive past my brain is not capable of doing that. It only knows what is bad. I have such huge issues. I have to keep my shirt on during sex because I cannot stand the sensations that should be enjoyable, such as from breast play. I cannot have someone touch my back or rub my back or stroke my back or shoulders because that is where I store my trauma. So I keep my shirt on during sex. I also wear socks during sex, that gives one a sense of safety for some reason. (That is why when you are given a rape kit it includes socks)

I do not think I am going to be able to come up with a fantasy. I am afraid to go there at the moment. It would be like opening pandora's box. But instead I am making a list of positive words and sensations, feelings and such that are associated with sex. The hope is if I read these things and tell my brain that it is ok to feel this way it will start to believe me. Then I can eventually go there. I have not words to describe that at the moment that are positive. That is where I need your help. Can you share with me positive statements, words, feelings or whatever that has to do with sex. It doesn't matter if you are male of female. I just need to put a positive spin on sex.

I know that is an odd thing to ask for help in doing, but I don't know how I am going to come up with these statements and words other wise.

Last edited by Big Mama; 02-03-2016 at 05:40 PM.
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post #2 of 45 (permalink) Old 02-03-2016, 05:38 PM
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Re: Need help describing sex with positive words

Good evening
For me, sex is the natural continuation of intimacy. Imagine sitting next to someone you love. Maybe you hold hands, maybe you cuddle together. You kiss, touch - there is not a plan or goal. Just enjoying contact with each other. Sex is the most intense part of that, but it isn't separate from anything else. It is just a part of a continuous path from sitting holding hands, to falling asleep in each others arms.

Sex can also be spontaneous - a stand alone event - but for someone who is not comfortable with intimacy, that is probably not the best way to think about it.
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post #3 of 45 (permalink) Old 02-03-2016, 05:42 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Need help describing sex with positive words

Thank you Richardsharpe. Those are words I can say: enjoying contact, falling asleep in one another's arms. THANK YOU FOR SHARING
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post #4 of 45 (permalink) Old 02-03-2016, 05:56 PM
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Re: Need help describing sex with positive words

Hmm...This is harder than it looks! Umm, sex for me is a combination of intense physical sensation and pleasure and mental/emotional closeness. Sometimes more one than the other. Free associating, sex means release, freedom, safety and security.
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post #5 of 45 (permalink) Old 02-03-2016, 06:00 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Need help describing sex with positive words

MJJEAN - How correct you are, sex means release, freedom, safety and security. Thank you for sharing.
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post #6 of 45 (permalink) Old 02-03-2016, 06:10 PM
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Re: Need help describing sex with positive words

Big Mama, as you saw in another thread I am a survivor of CSA. Not rape, so I won't claim to understand that, but I do understand the abuse.

For me the key element is safety, and with that comes a tremendous feeling of freedom.. I needed to find a guy with whom I felt completely safe and had my back; I did with current husband (ex was s d0uche kind of like yours) and when I did I discovered I was capable of things I never imagined; it's like a weight has been lifted off of my shoulders and I don't have to shoulder this alone, and I finally feel free to be vulnerable.

I sincerely hope you experience this someday, and while I know you said this isn't about whether to go back to your husband I'm going to recommend you do not. You will never experience this with him and it's something I really hope you find in this life.

My father once told me that everyone should experience a real love story at least once in their lives, and he was so right. The thing is that for us abuse survivors we can't experience that without that feeling of safety.
If you find this you might find that many of the things that trigger you either go away or let up; I am completely comfortable doing for my husband things that were part of my abuse, but only because I completely trust him and he demands nothing from me. I am able to give freely without pressure.

Feel free to PM me if you'd like to speak privately.

Last edited by lifeistooshort; 02-03-2016 at 06:17 PM.
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post #7 of 45 (permalink) Old 02-03-2016, 06:17 PM
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Re: Need help describing sex with positive words

Don't have time to respond at the moment but went through about 15 years of sexual assault, abuse of all kinds and torture.

Not kidding.

Hope I can help. Hang in there. Sex is wonderful.

Hurting someone sexually is a nightmare.
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post #8 of 45 (permalink) Old 02-03-2016, 06:18 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Need help describing sex with positive words

lifestoshort - thank you so much for sharing. A feeling so safety is something I struggle with. I hope to get there one day. A since of safety is vital. All I an say is thank you, thank you for sharing part of your story and giving me a little bit of hope. I really needed to know that you are able to do for your husband part of the things that were involved in your abuse. I am sorry you had to go thru that, but I am grateful for the experience you are willing to shareif order for it to help others.
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post #9 of 45 (permalink) Old 02-03-2016, 06:24 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Need help describing sex with positive words

Conanhub - I look forward to hearing from you when you have more time. Thank you for giving me hope.
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post #10 of 45 (permalink) Old 02-03-2016, 06:51 PM
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Re: Need help describing sex with positive words

You're welcome! I know for me the lasting damage it did to me was that it wrecked my ability to deeply trust people because let's just say that family members knew and did nothing about it, and when it came out they were worried about the poor scumbag and how he was embarrassed. So that taught me I couldn't trust anyone to protect me.

To this day I struggle with that, even with my husband who I do deeply trust, and now and again the trust thing still rears its head. It's not entirely his fault, I'm probably sensitive to things that others might not be but sometimes it is his fault. This caused us some issues with some very poor boundaries he had with his ex wife and her family.....but they've been mostly settled since I let loose on him. I don't think he realized what a big issue it was.....he knew it wasn't cool but he doesn't do confrontation well so he buried his head in the sand and played dumb.

He likes to do that, but he does learn.

You're never going to have this kind of trusting relationship with your hb.....too much damage. People like us have to establish this trust early on in the relationship or it can't be done, at least I don't think so. Maybe there are others who have had relationships with people who mistreated them and they worked it out but for me that would never happen; once that wall is built it's not coming down. It's just too far for me to go.

Your husband has demonstrated that he can't be trusted and has abused you to bully you into what he wants. You can't have a relationship with him.....period.

If my husband so much as pouted if I didn't feel like sex the damage would be great.....probably sounds like a lot to handle and maybe for some men it would be, but we're going on 11 years and still doing well.

My triggers don't happen that much so that probably makes it a little easier to deal with.

It's huge progress for me to be at the point I am so I'm not especially forgiving about a lot of things.

So maybe all of this makes my job as an actuary a good fit for me because actuaries don't like risk anyway, so it fits right in with my not trusting anyone
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post #11 of 45 (permalink) Old 02-03-2016, 06:59 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Need help describing sex with positive words

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Originally Posted by lifeistooshort View Post
If my husband so much as pouted if I didn't feel like sex the damage would be great.....probably sounds like a lot to handle and maybe for some men it would be, but we're going on 11 years and still doing well.

Good for you. A pout means NO. Anything besides a willing OK or YES means NO. A shrug, a IDK, a delay using uummmmmmm, or a sad ok, or a depressed alright.

YES means YES or an willing OK means yes. That's all.

For me especially I am unable to say things when I am triggered and my silence is mistaken for "not opposing". I may be able to squeeze out the word NO one time, but if you ask and ask again and again my vocab becomes very limited.
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post #12 of 45 (permalink) Old 02-03-2016, 07:06 PM
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Re: Need help describing sex with positive words

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Good for you. A pout means NO. Anything besides a willing OK or YES means NO. A shrug, a IDK, a delay using uummmmmmm, or a sad ok, or a depressed alright.

YES means YES or an willing OK means yes. That's all.

For me especially I am unable to say things when I am triggered and my silence is mistaken for "not opposing". I may be able to squeeze out the word NO one time, but if you ask and ask again and again my vocab becomes very limited.
I'm sorry, I understand though. My ex was like that, but in his defense he was pretty clear that it was all about him so I'd just let him get his quickly so he'd leave me alone. And I'd make excuses to not go to bed with him so he'd fall asleep.

And you go along with it but in the back of your mind you think he's a huge, pathetic pos right? And you resent him more and more each time and continue to think less of him.

You know what I did one time? I gave my ex a huge sh!t test; I knew he wanted sex so I made very clear to him that I didn't but did not protest. I wanted to see if he'd force the issue.....well he did and I don't think I'd ever thought less of him then I did at that moment.

My husband wouldn't dream of pestering me.....if I even seem like I'm tired he'll lay off and give me breathing room. He has no interest in sex I'm not into, so because of that I often am into it.

It may not work for everyone but it does work for us

It takes a strong man to put up with me, so I'm glad I found one. Hopefully the rewards for him are worth it.

It's a win-win.
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post #13 of 45 (permalink) Old 02-03-2016, 07:08 PM
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Re: Need help describing sex with positive words

Aww, hell. Ya'll made me feel chicken.

*sigh*

I, too, was sexually abused as a child. 9 years.

I kid you not, I learned about pleasurable sex from books. I was a smart kid and I heard people talking about sex, saw it all over TV and heard it on the radio. I knew there had to be something good about it or so many people wouldn't be so obsessed with it. So, I started reading all kinds of books that weren't age appropriate. Everything from trashy romance novels to sex manuals to sexual research papers. By the time I was 12, I'd learned how sex is supposed to be and I was determined I would not let my abuser take my God given right to sexual enjoyment away from me. When the hormones kicked in and I started wanting to have sex, I was actually in a very good place and able to enjoy a healthy active sex life.

I actually feel very lucky. I know a lot of other women and men who suffered much more serious physical and emotional effects. I truly hope and pray you're able to overcome your difficulties, find the right partner, and have a very enjoyable and fulfilling sex life.

Funny fact. I consistently scored very high on tests relating to reading. I put that skill to good use by pilfering my female relatives adult novels. In 4th grade, I managed to get copies of The Happy Hooker and The Joy of Sex. In either 6th or 7th grade, I got my hands on a copy of the Kama Sutra. I used to ride my bike to the library regularly to do research on STD's, birth control methods, and anatomy. By the time I took sex ed in school, I had more current information than the instructor. If you regulars think I'm a strange adult, ya should have seen me as a kid!
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post #14 of 45 (permalink) Old 02-03-2016, 07:09 PM
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Re: Need help describing sex with positive words

My advice may not be perfect, but being human is about NOT BEING PERFECT, and having a healthy sexual relationship is feeling that someone loves and cherishes ALL the parts about you, especially that parts that are NOT perfect, because at the end of the day that is what makes us human, and really teaches us what it is to be loved.

So perhaps a healthy fantasy would be finding someone that values and appreciates the fact that you have NOT been dealt an easy hand in life. This person would be attracted to your ability to pick yourself back up and heal and have a strong sense of sexual attraction toward your personality just the way you are.

Love endures

Love perseveres

Sex should be a celebration of one's ability to love.

Regards,
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post #15 of 45 (permalink) Old 02-03-2016, 07:15 PM
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Re: Need help describing sex with positive words

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Originally Posted by Big Mama View Post
Good for you. A pout means NO. Anything besides a willing OK or YES means NO. A shrug, a IDK, a delay using uummmmmmm, or a sad ok, or a depressed alright.

YES means YES or an willing OK means yes. That's all.

For me especially I am unable to say things when I am triggered and my silence is mistaken for "not opposing". I may be able to squeeze out the word NO one time, but if you ask and ask again and again my vocab becomes very limited.
Have you ever thought of using a sign instead of a word? Maybe just a simple hand in the air, palm forward, to mean "I'm triggering. Stop!"?
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