Sex in MarriageSexual problems are common in many relationships. This section is for discussions about sexuality. Please limit discussions to those asking for help with a problem and those offering advice. Any other threads may be deleted.
I've been married for over 13 years and together with my wife for almost 19 years and we have a two kids.
Today it has been almost 2 months since we've had sex. Prior to that it was while we were in Hawaii and I basically had to beg for that. In fact, I'd say I can't imagine the last time she really "wanted" to have sex.
I'd like to think that I'm a pretty thoughtful guy. I've done all the things that many of the books (His Needs, Her Needs and the like) show affection, compliment her, etc. But nothing...
In the past, I've even setup candles on a table in the backyard, drank a bottle of wine, and chatted.....nothing.
In fact, when I try and bring up why we rarely have sex she'll say "I don't know" and get all flustered. She rarely shows me affection (hugs, kisses, etc) much less become more physical.
If I ask her to read any books on the matter...she'll get mad, If I bring up counselling for us or her, she get's mad. I'm at a loss.
Getting to the point where I'd just not even try any longer because it seems to get me no where and only frustrates the both of us...
I've been married for over 13 years and together with my wife for almost 19 years and we have a two kids.
Today it has been almost 2 months since we've had sex. Prior to that it was while we were in Hawaii and I basically had to beg for that. In fact, I'd say I can't imagine the last time she really "wanted" to have sex.
I'd like to think that I'm a pretty thoughtful guy. I've done all the things that many of the books (His Needs, Her Needs and the like) show affection, compliment her, etc. But nothing...
In the past, I've even setup candles on a table in the backyard, drank a bottle of wine, and chatted.....nothing.
In fact, when I try and bring up why we rarely have sex she'll say "I don't know" and get all flustered. She rarely shows me affection (hugs, kisses, etc) much less become for physical.
If I ask her to read any books on the matter...she'll get mad, If I bring up counselling for us or her, she get's mad. I'm at a loss.
Getting to the point where I'd just not even try any longer because it seems to get me no where and only frustrates the both of us...
Thoughts?
Quit worrying about making her mad. That's Step 1.
Let her get mad. You are avoiding the issue by tiptoeing around the problem, and that isn't going to get your ashes hauled. I've been in your position before -- I think most men on this site have -- and the way that I dealt with it was to get her attention. My advice is to ask her out on a formal date, wine her, dine, her spend some money on her to have a good time . . . and then when you get home, make a strong, aggressive play. I'm not saying "don't take no for an answer", I'm saying "You'd better have a very compelling reason for this 'no' or we're in trouble."
But give her a test like that. If she still rejects you after observing the forms, then that tells you the problem is deeper than "I don't know". But you have to get her attention. Try to do it in a nice way, but if she doesn't respond to that, well . . . there are other avenues of approach.
I've tried the whole wining and dining...didn't really work.
I know most of the issues stem from her upbringing in that her parents have been in a loveless marriage for about the past 30+ years. Her parents never showed affection towards each other and eventhough her parents are together...they pretty much dislike and don't talk to each other. In fact, in their new house, they have separate bedrooms (presumeably because of his bladder issues).
I know this thread has been repeated often on this message board...just wanted to vent a bit...
I've tried the whole wining and dining...didn't really work.
I know most of the issues stem from her upbringing in that her parents have been in a loveless marriage for about the past 30+ years. Her parents never showed affection towards each other and eventhough her parents are together...they pretty much dislike and don't talk to each other. In fact, in their new house, they have separate bedrooms (presumeably because of his bladder issues).
I know this thread has been repeated often on this message board...just wanted to vent a bit...
Keep this in mind if you're considering kids, or have them already. Do you want to raise the next generation of loveless people?
I've been married for over 13 years and together with my wife for almost 19 years and we have a two kids.
Today it has been almost 2 months since we've had sex. Prior to that it was while we were in Hawaii and I basically had to beg for that. In fact, I'd say I can't imagine the last time she really "wanted" to have sex.
I'd like to think that I'm a pretty thoughtful guy. I've done all the things that many of the books (His Needs, Her Needs and the like) show affection, compliment her, etc. But nothing...
In the past, I've even setup candles on a table in the backyard, drank a bottle of wine, and chatted.....nothing.
In fact, when I try and bring up why we rarely have sex she'll say "I don't know" and get all flustered. She rarely shows me affection (hugs, kisses, etc) much less become more physical.
If I ask her to read any books on the matter...she'll get mad, If I bring up counselling for us or her, she get's mad. I'm at a loss.
Getting to the point where I'd just not even try any longer because it seems to get me no where and only frustrates the both of us...
Thoughts?
I am sure she loves you, but not attracted to you in that way at the moment..
what to do???
well I am sure it did not "stop" one day, it takes time for it to get this way and will take time to get it back.
there is no secret to get it back, just work...
Have you gained weight???
ya know belly fat and such,
Has she???
sounds like she is stressed/depressed..
at 13+ years together, you know her, fix it....
When we were dating...sex wasn't that hard to come by. But since marriage...it seems to have been a chore.
Both our physical appearences have ebbed and flowed in the past...but I'm still in descent shape (I'm in the Army Reserves) and I still find her attractive.
She is a stress ball after a year of me being gone on deployment but things are about the same as they were prior to leaving last year. Our oldest (8) is a handful as she knows how to manipulate my wife and get what she wants.
Maybe my wife resents the facts that I don't put up with it and I can get the girls to do what I need them to do. Who knows...
Frustrated.... 
