What to do- wife can't have sex
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Sex in Marriage Sexual problems are common in many relationships. This section is for discussions about sexuality. Please limit discussions to those asking for help with a problem and those offering advice. Any other threads may be deleted.

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Old 09-16-2011, 09:41 AM   #1 (permalink)
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Default What to do- wife can't have sex

I don't know if any of you have been through anything like this, but hopefully some of you can offer some advice. My wife has developed an auto-imune disease (lichen planus) that causese extreme irritation and swelling of the genitalia, and she is not able to have intercourse. It has been going on for over 3 months and there is no end in sight. The disease could last for years and come back even if the symptoms eventually go away. It is a disease with no known cause and no cure. There are no good treatments (some are worse than the disease) to control the symptoms.

We have been married for over 24 years and have always enjoyed a good sex life, and my libido is pretty high. She is extremely stressed and depressed about this, and I am trying to be as supportive as I possibly can be. I know that she needs me to be strong and supportive, but it gets very difficult to put my own needs and desires on the back shelf indefinitely. Even though I know that she is suffering with something that she has no control over, I still feel a bit frustrated and angry at her some times (and guilty over feeling this way).

Now I know some of your are going to suggest other means of intimacy (manual, oral, masturbation), and I have thought of all these. She has never been one to enjoy oral intimacy, and even though I have talked to her about it she does not feel any desire to do this. I realize that she is not feeling very sexual right now with the stress and pain of her disease, so I have not pushed the issue. As for masturbation, I have been quite active with this, but after a while it starts to become a bit boring. Internet porn does not serve as a good substitute for the real thing. It starts to serve as a reminder that I can't have intimacy with my wife and becomes frustrating.

I am hoping that some of you might have some advice on how to get through this. I am not the kind of guy who cheats on his wife, and would not do ths to her. I have tried indulging in every hobby that I am interested, but that is not a good substitute either. I am really frustrated at this point and don't know how to cope with this. I want to be strong for her to help her through this, but I still have my own needs to deal with. Any thoughts on this would be appreciated!

Thank You.
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Old 09-16-2011, 10:02 AM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: What to do- wife can't have sex

I feel sorry for your wife that this has happened...
But honestly....
stay by your wifes side and cope with it the best you can.

but hey, thats just what I would do...
others well, lets see what they say....


OFG
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Old 09-16-2011, 10:07 AM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: What to do- wife can't have sex

If your wife cannot have intercourse, she should try to be open to other sexual acts. Does she like receiving oral? That would be a good place to start.

Oral sex is such a run of the mill sex act. If I were male, I could not marry a woman who wouldn't give blow jobs.
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Old 09-16-2011, 10:10 AM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: What to do- wife can't have sex

Hi GT ~

I'm sorry you and your wife are going through this! It's tough when life throws you curve balls. My husband and I have had a few thrown in our 23 year old marriage with my various illnesses.

It is tough to be intimate when you are faced with a chronic illness - I know because I have one, but it is manageable although I have times when I am not very good.

However, it's important to take each day and make the most of it - even if you can't have intercourse, you can still make each other aware during the day that you care - light touches and kisses, holding hands. Try to hold on to each other during this time and not let yourselves drift apart.

When I would be really feeling bad we would lay on the bed together holding each other while he would masturbate. Not the best, but it means you are sharing your sexuality with her and not going off and doing it alone. You may also want to look into some books and information on "tantric sex".

There are a lot of good resources out there if you let your fingers do the "net" walk. Here's a book you may want to look at: Amazon.com: The Ultimate Guide to Sex and Disability: For All of Us Who Live with Disabilities, Chronic Pain, and Illness (9781573443043): Miriam Kaufman, Cory Silverberg, Fran Odette: Books

God Bless.
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Old 09-16-2011, 10:23 AM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: What to do- wife can't have sex

I think you need to be patient and focus on her medical needs.

do not make her feel bad for her inability to be intimate.

respect her wishes.

maybe you can be intimate with out being sexual with her. hold her, carress her, etc.

as for your "needs" I think you should just masterbate for a while and see how things develop. if your wife wants to do something with/for you, maybe a good old fashioned handjob while you fondle her breasts is in order it worked in highschool!

good luck,and do sorry that you and wour wife have to go thru this.
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Old 09-16-2011, 01:36 PM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: What to do- wife can't have sex

I want to thank everyone who took the time to reply. I really appreciate all of your insights. I guess it is just one of those "curveballs" in life that you have to learn to deal with.

It is funny, but when you take your for "better, for worse", "in sickness, and in health" vows you never think about stuff like this. I suppose this is truly what marriage is all about - putting yourself aside for the sake of your partner.

This truly does suck, but hopefully we can get through this eventually. It is just really tough thinking about the possibility of celibacy for the next 30+ years as a possibility. Hopefully it won't come to that, but I will have to be prepared for the possibility.

Thank you all again.
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Old 09-16-2011, 02:25 PM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: What to do- wife can't have sex

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Originally Posted by gtsanchez View Post
I want to thank everyone who took the time to reply. I really appreciate all of your insights. I guess it is just one of those "curveballs" in life that you have to learn to deal with.

It is funny, but when you take your for "better, for worse", "in sickness, and in health" vows you never think about stuff like this. I suppose this is truly what marriage is all about - putting yourself aside for the sake of your partner.

This truly does suck, but hopefully we can get through this eventually. It is just really tough thinking about the possibility of celibacy for the next 30+ years as a possibility. Hopefully it won't come to that, but I will have to be prepared for the possibility.

Thank you all again.
Hoping for the best, GT. I don't know much about the illness your wife has, but in what I read it said that it usually goes dormant after 18 mos. with periodic re-occurrences. Have you talked with her doctor (or had a second opinion) about what you can expect, or ways that she can manage it with things that would boost her immune system naturally - exercise, eating right, good nutritional supplementation, adequate sleep, stress management?

See, the first thing when you find out you have something kinda crummy for FOREVER is you get whacked out about it (oh, I know, I've been there). But, at some point you realize that there will be good times and some not so good times. You really "make hay" when you have those good times and you realize you have to start to rein in the negativity or else even those good times get overshadowed with clouds.

And don't give up on intimacy. You don't have to be celibate because you can't have sexual intercourse. You and your wife need to talk about ways that you can help each other out - that is what marriage is about. I'm hoping that you can find that balance for each other.

God Bless.
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Old 09-16-2011, 02:25 PM   #8 (permalink)
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Default Re: What to do- wife can't have sex

I am so sorry to hear about this..sex is something that is so intimate and special between two people...I know after my hysterectomy last year, sex was practically impossible for me, so I went to my doctor and she gave me a r/x that helped me so much. I wish there was something her doctor could give her that would help her and you.
Just be patient with her and be there for her..she needs you more than you know.
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Old 09-18-2011, 08:21 PM   #9 (permalink)
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Default Re: What to do- wife can't have sex

I read all this...

Look, I've not gotten laid in about 20 years. My wife has schizophrenia. We knew when we got married (32 years ago,) that she would get sicker, -- I just didn't realize how sick she would get. When I take her to the hospital she's easily the sickest person on a ward of about forty patients.

So I masturbate. I watch internet porn -- and no, I don't like porn either.

But my wife has lost the ability to concentrate that, guess what folks, is necessary for sex. You can't have sex (I can't at least,) with someone who isn't actually there and wants to. Maybe others can, I can't.

I remember when my wife would put me in her mouth. I was all that was happening for her. She would concentrate on me and nothing else.

But years ago, wow!, I work at home, and she would come up to me, frequently wearing leotards because she knew I liked her in them, no top. And she'd get under the table where I sat. Sometimes she would bring a wet cloth and some warm water to clean me up from what she had done an hour ago. She made this a basic part of our life. I am simply that important to her.

(We don't have kids -- not with her background.) Sometimes, eight, even ten times a day, she'd come to me "just to top me off" as she would say.

And getting out of bed in the mornings was very difficult for me.

People never found out I took phone calls, with my wife at my waist, waiting for me to complete a business call.

So yeah, today, I'm in my mid-sixties and I have not had sex for about 20 years. But leave my wife? Or cheat?, not a chance. My wife has me for life.
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Old 09-18-2011, 08:41 PM   #10 (permalink)
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Default Re: What to do- wife can't have sex

You are a very strong and loving man, OHO.

I suffer from a mental health disorder, which is one of the top reasons I don't want children. Even though I am high functioning and rarely fall ill, hormones are never good to me. I have to take evening primrose oil to behave normally when I have PMS and this is on top of my daily meds!

I am afraid that if I had a baby, I would possibly hurt it while my brain is awash with hormones and no sleep. Postpartum depression would be expected and prepared for in my case.

I am not interested in stopping my meds, nor would I want to be popping pills while pregnant. My doctor and my family are certain that I would never hurt my baby, but they seem to have forgotten how bad I get when I am ill.

Is there no medication combination that can help your wife? Why can't she still blow you?

Last edited by FirstYearDown; 09-19-2011 at 04:47 PM.
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Old 09-19-2011, 08:12 AM   #11 (permalink)
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Default Re: What to do- wife can't have sex

Thanks again all,

So far nothing that they have tried has helped her symptoms. We are waiting to see a specialist (over a month and a half waiting time!), so hopefully they can come up with something. I think the only real treatment is long-term steroid use, which has it's own serious side effects.

Unfortunately my wife has never been into oral sex and does not enjoy it much. She has not really done that for at least 8 or 9 years. I feel bad asking her to do something she does is not that into, especially when she cannot receive any pleasure from it. I think that we are both realizing that we need to be a bit creative, however. We have talked about oral sex, mutual masturbation, etc., so hopefully we can find things to enjoy each other without intercourse. It is not optimal, but at least we can still share some intimacy.

The funny thing about this is that it is actually bringing us closer, I think. I truly feel empathy for her condition, and she feels for me as well. It kind of forces you to work on intimacy on a different level when sexual intercourse is not an option. Not that I want this to go on forever, but I am just happy to be with her not matter what.

It really helps to hear from those of your that have similar problems and to hear what you have gone through. I thank you all for your comments and advice.
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Old 10-03-2011, 11:23 AM   #12 (permalink)
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Default Re: What to do- wife can't have sex

Quote:
Originally Posted by gtsanchez View Post
I don't know if any of you have been through anything like this, but hopefully some of you can offer some advice. My wife has developed an auto-imune disease (lichen planus) that causese extreme irritation and swelling of the genitalia, and she is not able to have intercourse. It has been going on for over 3 months and there is no end in sight. The disease could last for years and come back even if the symptoms eventually go away. It is a disease with no known cause and no cure. There are no good treatments (some are worse than the disease) to control the symptoms.

We have been married for over 24 years and have always enjoyed a good sex life, and my libido is pretty high. She is extremely stressed and depressed about this, and I am trying to be as supportive as I possibly can be. I know that she needs me to be strong and supportive, but it gets very difficult to put my own needs and desires on the back shelf indefinitely. Even though I know that she is suffering with something that she has no control over, I still feel a bit frustrated and angry at her some times (and guilty over feeling this way).

Now I know some of your are going to suggest other means of intimacy (manual, oral, masturbation), and I have thought of all these. She has never been one to enjoy oral intimacy, and even though I have talked to her about it she does not feel any desire to do this. I realize that she is not feeling very sexual right now with the stress and pain of her disease, so I have not pushed the issue. As for masturbation, I have been quite active with this, but after a while it starts to become a bit boring. Internet porn does not serve as a good substitute for the real thing. It starts to serve as a reminder that I can't have intimacy with my wife and becomes frustrating.

I am hoping that some of you might have some advice on how to get through this. I am not the kind of guy who cheats on his wife, and would not do ths to her. I have tried indulging in every hobby that I am interested, but that is not a good substitute either. I am really frustrated at this point and don't know how to cope with this. I want to be strong for her to help her through this, but I still have my own needs to deal with. Any thoughts on this would be appreciated!

Thank You.
If you really need the feel of another human, ask your wife if she would allow you to visit an escort. NOT a 20 dollar street tramp, a real professional. backpage.com. You can have all your pleasures taken care of and the commitment is for only an hour. After which you return home to your loving marriage and all is fine. Or you dont have to tell her and then she becomes a smile on your face your wife cant explain.

I have not tried it but my marine buddy Max Loves it and swears by it.

He says for 30 bucks more you can take your wife. she can join or watch.

Last edited by allisterfiend; 10-03-2011 at 11:24 AM. Reason: had to be done
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Old 10-04-2011, 11:15 AM   #13 (permalink)
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Lightbulb Re: What to do- wife can't have sex

I had never heard of the disease you mentioned so I googled it a bit. I really feel for your wife, I would be so angry and hurt if I was struck by a disease like that. I also feel for you, you must be so frustrated.

Honestly were I in your situation I would turn to all other forms of sex. I don't know how either of you feel about anal sex.. I used to shudder/gag at the thought of it and didn't understand why anyone but a gay man would want to do anal. I didn't realise it was a somewhat common fetish for men (and as it turned out, for my man). I let him have his way once, and at first I didn't think it was that great. But honestly when I got comfortable with it I tell you it can be awesome sex and very satisfying! I never would have imagined that I could enjoy it, especially not that much. Anal sex may have a very taboo or dirty image but like any sex it's as 'dirty' or intimate and loving as you make it.

I bought on amazon.com (but they haven't arrived yet):
For me: Amazon.com: The Ultimate Guide to Anal Sex for Women, 2nd Edition (9781573442213): Tristan Taormino: Books
For him (can help guide you on how to introduce the idea, how to approach it etc): Amazon.com: Arouse Her Anal Ecstasy: The Best Illustrated and Most Innovative Step-By-Step Guide for a Pleasurable Path to Anal Sex. She'll Enjoy Amazing Orgasms and Love It from Beginning to End. (9780615399140): David DeCitore: Books

Hope that helps, I wish you the best.
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Old 01-19-2012, 08:36 PM   #14 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally Posted by gtsanchez View Post
I don't know if any of you have been through anything like this, but hopefully some of you can offer some advice. My wife has developed an auto-imune disease (lichen planus) that causese extreme irritation and swelling of the genitalia, and she is not able to have intercourse. It has been going on for over 3 months and there is no end in sight. The disease could last for years and come back even if the symptoms eventually go away. It is a disease with no known cause and no cure. There are no good treatments (some are worse than the disease) to control the symptoms.

We have been married for over 24 years and have always enjoyed a good sex life, and my libido is pretty high. She is extremely stressed and depressed about this, and I am trying to be as supportive as I possibly can be. I know that she needs me to be strong and supportive, but it gets very difficult to put my own needs and desires on the back shelf indefinitely. Even though I know that she is suffering with something that she has no control over, I still feel a bit frustrated and angry at her some times (and guilty over feeling this way).

Now I know some of your are going to suggest other means of intimacy (manual, oral, masturbation), and I have thought of all these. She has never been one to enjoy oral intimacy, and even though I have talked to her about it she does not feel any desire to do this. I realize that she is not feeling very sexual right now with the stress and pain of her disease, so I have not pushed the issue. As for masturbation, I have been quite active with this, but after a while it starts to become a bit boring. Internet porn does not serve as a good substitute for the real thing. It starts to serve as a reminder that I can't have intimacy with my wife and becomes frustrating.

I am hoping that some of you might have some advice on how to get through this. I am not the kind of guy who cheats on his wife, and would not do ths to her. I have tried indulging in every hobby that I am interested, but that is not a good substitute either. I am really frustrated at this point and don't know how to cope with this. I want to be strong for her to help her through this, but I still have my own needs to deal with. Any thoughts on this would be appreciated!

Thank You.
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Old 01-19-2012, 09:09 PM   #15 (permalink)
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Default Re: What to do- wife can't have sex

I would suggest this book for you both....

Amazon.com: Let Me Count the Ways: Discovering Great Sex Without Intercourse (9780874779561): Marty Klein, Riki Robbins: Books

I think this would be very very difficult, accually, I am the type of person who thinks TOO much, I have thought about stuff LIKE this before we took our vows, and honesty, I just hope I never see such a day, cause I think I would get very very depressed...being on either side of this.

I think we need to get Creative when such blows come our way. What else can you do...you love and honor her, she loves & adores you. Now you have a "new" situation at hand, a new reality to deal with , something you both need to "grieve" what precious was lost ---do it together and.... get creative together.

Keep the lines of communication open.. and flowing, much affection, much caring to listen to her, hold her, be that wonderful husband she will want to please.


What I hope for you, and her.... is eventually when things get more settled.... as you have helped her getting through this & loved on her.....she will turn her thoughts to YOU once again, her husband, knowing you are still very much a man in need of release and still wanting that emotional connection as well.... that she will open up her mind ....caring to learn ever NEW ways to please you.... Oral ways specifically... it is never to late to learn, my learning started at age 42 !!

Before that, I was just not into it- Now, I can't get enough, it is a mindset.... ....even in this.... it would make her FEEL Better somehow that all has not been lost.....that she still has the power to light your fire and bring you to release, and she is a part of it all. I can't imagine a good wife not wanting to do this , again, once the dust has settled and you are looking for more creativity.

I just feel it could make all the differnce in the world in your handling this.....It is part of that getting "creative"....

So many books on Amazon : Amazon.com: oral sex: Books


What about her, can she ever have orgasms again? What can you do ?

.
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