Sex in MarriageSexual problems are common in many relationships. This section is for discussions about sexuality. Please limit discussions to those asking for help with a problem and those offering advice. Any other threads may be deleted.
I started a topic a few weeks ago and appreciated the feedback. I’ve been reading the site and gaining some valuable perspective on things. I have another questions that I could use some help with.
Intimacy…
While my sex life with my wife isn’t bad, it’s not great either...I'm working on that. I can see that she responds well when I take charge. The issue is that she could care less about hygiene before intimacy. I’ve expressed my feeling that I would like her to take a shower at the end of the day…or a bath…before we are intimate. She fights against it for some reason. I’ve calmly stated that it’s not attractive when she’s not clean. Summer time is obviously worse…but I wouldn’t think of climbing into bed without cleaning myself up thoroughly. She enjoys foot rubs, back/butt rubs and I enjoy providing, but it's not at all attractive if she's not clean...I'd be a willing provider more often if hygiene were better.
The other evening, she changed into her workout clothes and took the dog for a long walk…which is awesome. When she returned she was hot and sweaty, I started flirting and being suggestive throughout the evening. She was responsive. I told her that I’d put the kids to bed if she’d hop in the shower and I’d meet her in bed. I was met with…”I HATE showering at night…I like showering in the morning”… “what’s the big deal”. I explained that clean is attractive…unclean is unattractive.
On another evening, we were in bed and she was playing words with friends on her ipad… I was going to initiate, but I knew she had been running around all day and it seemed out of place for me to start the initiation by saying go get cleaned up and we can get busy…maybe I’m just chicken…I don’t know. So I went downstairs to read with no mention on intimacy. She came down a few minutes later and asked if “I” wanted to fool around. I told her I wanted to start things up but how do I go about asking you to take a shower without coming across as bossy? She said “FINE, I’ll take a shower… Geez”.
So how would you handle this? A nightly shower is part of my routine every night. I like to go to bed clean whether intimacy is on the docket or not. On the days when I get up extremely early, I think showering at night is more efficient. I can roll out of bed and get ready and go to work at 5am without waking her up.
One thought I had was to bring up a bath or shower during the evening hours to prep her for what’s to come…I don’t know… I want to feel good when approaching her for sex..not worrying about hygiene.
Some people are night showerers, some are morning showerers. Sounds like your wife is the latter. Maybe you should initiate sex in the morning when she is fresh, instead of waiting until the evening when you know she will be not as fresh, so to speak.
Just curious, do you also shower after hot/sweaty sex? I'm not trying to poke fun at all, I'm genuinely curious. The reason I ask is if showering in the morning wakes your wife up (as it does me) then she needs to do this. Then you want her to shower before sex, then she gets messy and should shower after sex (since you say one should be clean before climbing in to bed). That many showers a day can be very drying to the skin.
Maybe the best thing to do would be what my husband's grandma calls a PTA (pu$$y/pits, t!ts and a$$). Cleans the offensive parts without a full-blown shower. I may be way off base, and if so, my apologies. I do understand not wanting to "get busy" with a stinky spouse!
Is there any reason why you can't make cleaning her part of the foreplay? Go in the shower or bath with her. Or get some baby wipes, undress her, and sensuously wipe her down before bedtime.
Think of creative ways to do this - because she may feel like you are being dictatorial about something that is trivial to her.
Yah, ideally, a spouse should just want to do things that make your partner happy - even something as simple as taking a quick shower before bed. But she hasn't had than enlightenment yet.
Some people are night showerers, some are morning showerers. Sounds like your wife is the latter. Maybe you should initiate sex in the morning when she is fresh, instead of waiting until the evening when you know she will be not as fresh, so to speak.
I'm up and out of the house heading to work before she's up 95% of the time... and even on the weekends she wants sex first and shower second.
there was actually a study on that...i wish i remembered where i read it. anyway, it stated that for women, a man's natural scent is the best way to get her in the mood or turned on. I know the article was more articulate than that but that's the gist of it.
i think my H smelled the best when he had worked all day...he'd be a mixture of his natural scent,cologne he had put on that morning, and his deoderant.
Yes, I agree. He has a good smell when he's dirty loll..
He also likes my smell. Sometimes he'll tell me NOT to wash beforehand...like in the mornings.
Just curious, do you also shower after hot/sweaty sex? I'm not trying to poke fun at all, I'm genuinely curious. The reason I ask is if showering in the morning wakes your wife up (as it does me) then she needs to do this. Then you want her to shower before sex, then she gets messy and should shower after sex (since you say one should be clean before climbing in to bed). That many showers a day can be very drying to the skin.
Maybe the best thing to do would be what my husband's grandma calls a PTA (pu$$y/pits, t!ts and a$$). Cleans the offensive parts without a full-blown shower. I may be way off base, and if so, my apologies. I do understand not wanting to "get busy" with a stinky spouse!
yes, I usually shower after hot sweaty sex. And I'm aware of the PTA...but when she's been sweaty all over...it's not attractive. She doesn't have BO by any means...just the fact that you know it's less than clean is a turn off.
I don't see the big deal with taking a quick shower before intimacy.
If my husband requested that, I would oblige.
However, we like dirty sex lolll...I do love his smell and he loves mine. Weird? Maybe a little too primal.
And we do have our quickies where you take each other as they come...I've got no problem with that. But for extended foreplay where we're hopefully kissing a lot of each others skin, that's not my cup of tea.
Is there any reason why you can't make cleaning her part of the foreplay? Go in the shower or bath with her. Or get some baby wipes, undress her, and sensuously wipe her down before bedtime.
Think of creative ways to do this - because she may feel like you are being dictatorial about something that is trivial to her.
Yah, ideally, a spouse should just want to do things that make your partner happy - even something as simple as taking a quick shower before bed. But she hasn't had than enlightenment yet.
I've offered to shower with her and I get the "I hate showering at night"....whatever....fine...geez...etc.
I don't want to be dictatorial...I just want to be intimate in a reasonable way.
yes, I usually shower after hot sweaty sex. And I'm aware of the PTA...but when she's been sweaty all over...it's not attractive. She doesn't have BO by any means...just the fact that you know it's less than clean is a turn off.
I am not a "clean freak" by any means, but I do agree that showering after a workout is just necessary. I'm sorry, I totally missed that part. I was thinking "PTA" after a day of sitting on my butt in the office. So, yes, I believe a request by you for her to quickly shower is not asking to much.
I prefer the way my wife smells before having a shower. Mind you she showers everyday as it is.
Cleaning up before sex takes a way her sexy natural scent which by the way is heavenly. I love it. I will even go so far as to tell her she smells great.
If she showers before sec I know it is a quick in and out and thats it.
And we do have our quickies where you take each other as they come...I've got no problem with that. But for extended foreplay where we're hopefully kissing a lot of each others skin, that's not my cup of tea.
Mmmmm salty skin! hahahaa Now I want to go home to him...
My husband uses baby wipes on me. I'm prone to getting bladder infections and sometimes sex has caused that for me in the past so we use baby wipes before and after sex. I don't like showering more than once a day so...yeah.
My husband uses the baby wipes at times as foreplay. It's really sexy. Perhaps your wife would like that?
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Intimacy and Hygiene 
I was thinking "PTA" after a day of sitting on my butt in the office. So, yes, I believe a request by you for her to quickly shower is not asking to much.
