Sex in MarriageSexual problems are common in many relationships. This section is for discussions about sexuality. Please limit discussions to those asking for help with a problem and those offering advice. Any other threads may be deleted.
Re: Probably a common problem but I just have to write about it
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Originally Posted by prototypev
She was brought up in a Catholic environment actually. But she became non-practicing when she started high school I believe.
Well by attempted I mean that she was basically emotionless, a wooden block. And it's pretty much the same for the first time, as well as the most recent one (which was months ago). 2-3 hours of foreplay, and cuddling did not turn her on at all (maybe it's me?). Fingering, oral, massage, you name it, I've done it. I do not believe there was physical hurt. She's adverse to pain so I wouldn't have gotten anywhere if she was hurting in the first place.
Does she masturbate? Is she self conscience about her body as in she thinks nakedness is disgusting?
Re: Probably a common problem but I just have to write about it
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Originally Posted by Therealbrighteyes
Does she masturbate? Is she self conscience about her body as in she thinks nakedness is disgusting?
No she does not masturbate. I'm no Catholic, but I believe (please correct me if I am wrong), that masturbation in Catholic teaching was taught to be morally wrong.
Interestingly, she does not think nakedness is disgusting. I mean, she's perfectly ok with stripping down to her birthday suit at home on a hot day, or even before stepping into the bathroom for a shower.
Re: Probably a common problem but I just have to write about it
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Originally Posted by Therealbrighteyes
100% agree. It's easy to say "you asked for it" or "you should have seen the signs". If we ALL had a crystal ball, none of us would be here as we would all have known our married future....so cut the crap.
OP, would she be up for religious based counseling? You didn't mention what religion she is but if she is Christian, it clearly states in the Bible that sex between husband and wife is normal and natural. Actually ALL religions state that. The "dirty" part is fornicating prior to marriage, which nearly all religions discourage. Is is possible that she isn't able to get over that part or could it be something physical? You mentioned "attempted" sex so that leads me to believe that maybe there is something physical preventing her from actually having sex and those attempts perhaps hurt and thus her not wanting it anymore. Am I on to something?
I agree with this. If she won't go to a science based counselor, maybe she will be more open to seeing someone that's based within her faith.
OP, I am confused, have you guys ever had sex? I know you said you attempted it a few times within your three year marriage but I am not sure if you guys were ever successful.
Re: Probably a common problem but I just have to write about it
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Originally Posted by blondebombshell
I agree with this. If she won't go to a science based counselor, maybe she will be more open to seeing someone that's based within her faith.
OP, I am confused, have you guys ever had sex? I know you said you attempted it a few times within your three year marriage but I am not sure if you guys were ever successful.
We did successfully penetrate, sorry for the confusion.
When I meant attempt, what I really meant was that it was "meaningless".
Re: Probably a common problem but I just have to write about it
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Originally Posted by prototypev
She was a home maker during the 3 years, but recently, she started doing her second degree, and things have just gotten way worse. Previously, at least she would hold hands, and we would hug each other. But now she's not even keen on those.
No sex and you pay for her to live at home and do what exactly?
There's no kids right? So this was just early retirement?
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Re: Probably a common problem but I just have to write about it
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Originally Posted by prototypev
We did successfully penetrate, sorry for the confusion.
When I meant attempt, what I really meant was that it was "meaningless".
I was sitting here scratching my head and wondering whether you'd gone 3 years in a marriage with absolutely no sex. Is she open to maybe speaking with the priest of her church? My husband and I did a few counseling sessions with the priest of our old church and it helped quite a bit although I was still interested in science based marriage counseling as well.
Re: Probably a common problem but I just have to write about it
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Originally Posted by blondebombshell
I was sitting here scratching my head and wondering whether you'd gone 3 years in a marriage with absolutely no sex. Is she open to maybe speaking with the priest of her church? My husband and I did a few counseling sessions with the priest of our old church and it helped quite a bit although I was still interested in science based marriage counseling as well.
She doesn't practice anymore so she's no longer really affiliated with her faith really. And because she's technically "religious-less" now, I find it difficult to understand why she does not want to overcome her initial programming by going to a science based counsellor.
Re: Probably a common problem but I just have to write about it
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Originally Posted by Locard
A second degree right? Why would it be any better than the first one? You are paying for it one way or another I would think, why??
Taking a second degree isn't all that uncommon I think? She got her parents to agree to pay for it anyway. As for why, she messed up her first degree choice and did not really have interest in it I guess.
Re: Probably a common problem but I just have to write about it
Is she on any kind of birth control? I ask this, because I was on one and it destroyed my libido. Then again, I was aware of my sex drive, so I noticed it and had the doctor change it quickly.
Re: Probably a common problem but I just have to write about it
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Originally Posted by HappyWife40
Is she on any kind of birth control? I ask this, because I was on one and it destroyed my libido. Then again, I was aware of my sex drive, so I noticed it and had the doctor change it quickly.
Re: Probably a common problem but I just have to write about it
Quote:
Originally Posted by prototypev
She doesn't practice anymore so she's no longer really affiliated with her faith really. And because she's technically "religious-less" now, I find it difficult to understand why she does not want to overcome her initial programming by going to a science based counsellor.
She's not easy to understand.
Whoops, I just went back and read your posts thoroughly instead of just skimming. That is really odd. If it's not her religion then there has to be some sort of underlying issue if you are certain that she is faithful.
Re: Probably a common problem but I just have to write about it
What's her mother's relationship with her father like? The reason I ask is that most of what we "know" about marriage, we get from our parents. Also, my wife treats me almost exactly like her dad gets treated and I've noticed her two sisters treat their men about the same way. If she's developed negative notions about sex, she picked them up somewhere. Any possibility of child sexual abuse? Sex feels good. Intimacy between loving people just feels natural and good. There has to be a pretty significant reason when it doesn't. She is comfortable with the way things are and that would be disturbing to me. It's another way of saying your pain isn't important to her. This is a concept I don't understand. If you love someone, how could you be content with seeing them suffer? Doesn't compute with me. I wonder if the mechanism she uses to protect her from the guilt of hurting you is to pretend things are ok?
Re: Probably a common problem but I just have to write about it
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Originally Posted by unbelievable
What's her mother's relationship with her father like? The reason I ask is that most of what we "know" about marriage, we get from our parents. Also, my wife treats me almost exactly like her dad gets treated and I've noticed her two sisters treat their men about the same way. If she's developed negative notions about sex, she picked them up somewhere. Any possibility of child sexual abuse? Sex feels good. Intimacy between loving people just feels natural and good. There has to be a pretty significant reason when it doesn't. She is comfortable with the way things are and that would be disturbing to me. It's another way of saying your pain isn't important to her. This is a concept I don't understand. If you love someone, how could you be content with seeing them suffer? Doesn't compute with me. I wonder if the mechanism she uses to protect her from the guilt of hurting you is to pretend things are ok?
Actually now that you bring it up, I'm pretty close to her dad, not her mum though. And indeed the both of them seem more like house/room mates more than a couple. My own grandparents, are more loving than her parents are!
I strongly suspect it's the mum that's the issue (no offense to the women here). As far as I know at least, I don't know of any child sex abuse history.
Re: Probably a common problem but I just have to write about it 
