Sex in MarriageSexual problems are common in many relationships. This section is for discussions about sexuality. Please limit discussions to those asking for help with a problem and those offering advice. Any other threads may be deleted.
Yeah, really. Even here, deep in bible belt country, we have a park in town for crap like this. I know this, b/c church leaders, local politicians, teachers, etc. get busted there. They apparently pull up at this wooded park during the day, and disapper into the woods for some action. The cops set up stings now and then and just scoop them up...and then these "straight" married men all over the local news.
You probably have a place like this in your town.
I know we have a couple in our town. I know, it's icky thinking about people having random sex in a park, but if you've got a condom and a bucket of penicillin, it might be an option. Just be prepared for what may happen to your relationship because of what this opens in his mind.
First of all, you can't use the word "straight" when talking about your husband. At the very least, he's Bi-curious if not just BI.
Also, it's difficult to believe that these feelings have'nt been on his mind for many years. You may want to consider an STD test just in case he's wandered off the ranch sometime in the past.
It wouldn't be too unusual that he's talking about this now and looking for permission because he's already been doing it and is either afraid you're going to catch him or he feels bad about doing it behind your back.
Yep... some men are gay and homophobic at the same time. They won't come out of the closet.
The sad part is that it so often is a recipe for unsafe sex because "it just happens." Trolling for gay sex is the one time a guy is guaranteed to score every time, resulting in many hookups that spread things around and eventually they bring something home.
Along these lines...the gay friend I mentioned earlier...we first met as teens at our workplace. I thought he was gay within mins of meeting him, from his voice and how he carried himself. We kind of danced around the subject as we got to be friends, but he would not give a straight answer. To confuse matters more, he dated a couple of girls for short periods. We lost contact for about 20 years, and then I caught up with him a few years ago.
He could have easily been one of these gay guys who marry a woman. He was raised by strict Catholic parents, and went to Cath schools. He was taught that it was wrong to be gay, so he buried his true feelings, and forced himself to act straight. He finally came out in his early 20's, but somehow his parents still don't know. He's pretty sure they'd disown him.
I have an issue. My partner of 11years says he has feelings of wanting to have sex with Men. (he tried this before we met but said he didn`t want to be like that) I have never wanted anyone else since i met him. Although he says he loves me and doesn`t want to break up, i am dying inside...I don`t think i would be able to cope with him having a liason. Just don`t know what to do, or how to feel. most of the time i just feel sick and feel like I`m having panic/anxiety attacks. He told me on Sunday after i made him,so i suppose early days yet...maybe offering the anal stimulation is what he wants..
Gay men...are interested in romantic relationships with other men.
Bisexual men--are sexually aroused by men (and women), but have no desire to have a relationship with a man (only women)...nor do they have a desire to even kiss them...it's just sex...nothing potentially emotionally intimate...
I once read a great piece written by a bisexual guy (i couldn't find it, or I'd link it)...he was married and had had sexual encounters with men in the past...but he'd only ever been interested in "partnering" with a woman...and he was married and had no intention of cheating on his wife...
This puts you in a tough spot. I respect him for coming to you with this openly...I can even buy that his interest may be purely sexual urge...(and certainly, it's not his fault...just brain chemistry).
But...I think your gut feeling that this will cause problems for you at some point is right on the money.
I'd want him to try taking something to lower his sex drive in general (I know propecia does that--as a side-effect)..and then reassess.
And bottom Line: If you say "yes"...I have a feeling that your marriage will end sooner or later because of it...so just keep that in mind.
Recently he came to me and told me he has been having a lot of thoughts about having sex with a man. He doesn't want to have a relationship, he just wants to have sex.
Originally Posted by Jenya
Through several conversations, it seems he just wants to find someone like him (straight/married) that would want to get together a few times a year and have sex.
I would be concerned that he's lying about only now wanting to "try" a man. Why? Because already he's gone from telling you he just wants to try a man out, to trying to get you to condone him having another sex partner "a few times a year". Chances are very good that he was sleeping with men before he even met you, and possibly inside of your marriage. People who are genuinely curious, but haven't crossed the line, don't go from wanting to taste it, to wanting to schedule multi-annual buffets.
Originally Posted by Jenya
Is this a common thing? He makes it sound like there are guys out there all over the place just waiting to hook up with other guys.
It's very common. A large portion of men who have sex with other men are married, consider themselves straight, and will never identify as gay, or even bisexual. Transsexual female prostitutes are very popular, and they sleep almost exclusively with men who consider themselves heterosexual.
Originally Posted by Jenya
I broached the subject of an open marriage to see if that what he was angling for, but he said no - he couldn't handle me having sex with other guys.
Your husband wants a half-open marriage; he can come and go as he pleases, but you can't. It's extraordinarily selfish, and potentially very dangerous to you.
A lot of people are dealing with this subject, and the chances are VERY good that your husband is already stepping out, or will be stepping out soon. He's not confession a secret attraction to you, he's actually to the stage where he's trying to coerce you into giving him permission to sleep around right in front of your face.
Prayer and counseling is what you need immediately. I am sure there must be support groups on the net for people dealing specifically with this topic. I know that another poster who's name I am blanking on has a bi-sexual husband, and she chose to stay. She could point you toward some resources, as she was helping someone else in a similar boat.
Be well. Keep us informed.
Edit: I see now that the OP has been long gone, and this is a resurrected from the dead thread.