Husband wants to have sex with a man
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Navigation »Talk About Marriage »Focused Topics »Sex in Marriage » Husband wants to have sex with a man

Sex in Marriage Sexual problems are common in many relationships. This section is for discussions about sexuality. Please limit discussions to those asking for help with a problem and those offering advice. Any other threads may be deleted.

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Old 09-20-2011, 07:21 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Default Husband wants to have sex with a man

I am basically just here to be able to talk to someone about this because I can't talk to any of my friends - my husband would be mortified.

Recently he came to me and told me he has been having a lot of thoughts about having sex with a man. He doesn't want to have a relationship, he just wants to have sex. He was really worried if he told me I would think he was flawed and leave him (we have been married 18 years). He said he felt better just being able to tell me about it and he wish he didn't have these feelings, etc. etc.

A while later (a few weeks) he told me these feelings weren't going away and basically asked me for permission to "try it." Through several conversations, it seems he just wants to find someone like him (straight/married) that would want to get together a few times a year and have sex.

Is this a common thing? He makes it sound like there are guys out there all over the place just waiting to hook up with other guys. And if I let him do this, I am worried I will eventually resent it, or think less of him as a man, or something. I am pretty open, but this is stretching it a bit for me. I broached the subject of an open marriage to see if that what he was angling for, but he said no - he couldn't handle me having sex with other guys.

I am just not really sure what to think and needed someone to talk to.

Thanks.
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Old 09-20-2011, 07:47 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: Husband wants to have sex with a man

Is there anything you can try in the bedroom like a strap on for him or maybe he wants anal? (from you). I've read prostate stimulation feels really good for men. I've suggested it to my partner just in case it was something he wanted but he really didn't lol. I do know a couple who apparently have used a strap on for him. Or, is it that he wants to kiss, hold etc a man instead of a woman? (can't really call him straight then..)

If I were in your position I don't think I could do it. It's cheating, doesn't matter that it's with a man! He can't stand the thought of you with someone else, so wouldn't he be able to understand?

Maybe you could ask him to specifiy exactly what kind of stimulation he is after. If it's the sexual company of a man, I'd be considering marriage counselling at least to work out a compromise if you're even going to go down that path. Like maybe you could do it only on the condition it's a threesome with you there. But once he's been with someone else he may start to feel entitled.. I don't know it's hard to suggest untill you know exactly what he's after. If it's just anal (giving or taking) maybe you could help him out there.
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Old 09-21-2011, 08:54 AM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: Husband wants to have sex with a man

He is either gay or bi-sexual, and you need to figure out if you can deal with this. Once he goes down the road of having sex with another man, your marriage will never be the same.

There was another poster here who said she indulged her man's fantasy of anal sex with a strap on, and he never wanted vaginal sex again. She was sorry that she agreed to fulfill that fantasy.

I would ask him why he wants this. Where does he see your marriage going? Then you can decide what you want to do about it.
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Old 09-21-2011, 09:21 AM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: Husband wants to have sex with a man

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Originally Posted by Jenya View Post



Is this a common thing? He makes it sound like there are guys out there all over the place just waiting to hook up with other guys.
There are ads all over the place for this kind of thing. For instance craigslist is littered with men wanting to hook up with men secretly. So first off, I'd be happy that at least he shared his desire with you instead of the alternative (hooking up behind your back). Could I agree to this? No. Your H wants to have an open marriage basically, but only for him on his terms. I wish you the best.
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Old 09-21-2011, 07:20 PM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: Husband wants to have sex with a man

Do not grant this request!! Time to start laying down some boundries and let him know that he can never do this or it is curtains! I would be very concerned, time to think hard!
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Old 08-05-2012, 10:36 PM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: Husband wants to have sex with a man

I am finding myself in a similar situation. I have only been married for a few months. Before we were married, I knew that he liked anal play with toys but now he has joined one of the websites to look for a man. He originally said he would like for us both to use it -- but I never asked for that nor wanted it. I don't have anyone to talk about this either. When I came across your post while looking for a solution, I thought I would drop a line. Have you found any answers?

I agree with some of the other threads that forbidding it may only cause another set of problems. I can relate to your building resentment. If you still check this thread, I would like to chat if you are up for it.

Wendy
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Old 08-05-2012, 10:43 PM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: Husband wants to have sex with a man

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Originally Posted by wlb551 View Post
I am finding myself in a similar situation. I have only been married for a few months. Before we were married, I knew that he liked anal play with toys but now he has joined one of the websites to look for a man. He originally said he would like for us both to use it -- but I never asked for that nor wanted it. I don't have anyone to talk about this either. When I came across your post while looking for a solution, I thought I would drop a line. Have you found any answers?

I agree with some of the other threads that forbidding it may only cause another set of problems. I can relate to your building resentment. If you still check this thread, I would like to chat if you are up for it.

Wendy
The original poster has not been back for a long time. You might want to start your own thread on the topic.

This is something your husband should have told you before you married him. It's dishonest of him not to have told you.
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Old 08-05-2012, 10:50 PM   #8 (permalink)
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Default Re: Husband wants to have sex with a man

Quote:
Originally Posted by Jenya View Post
I am basically just here to be able to talk to someone about this because I can't talk to any of my friends - my husband would be mortified.

Recently he came to me and told me he has been having a lot of thoughts about having sex with a man. He doesn't want to have a relationship, he just wants to have sex. He was really worried if he told me I would think he was flawed and leave him (we have been married 18 years). He said he felt better just being able to tell me about it and he wish he didn't have these feelings, etc. etc.

A while later (a few weeks) he told me these feelings weren't going away and basically asked me for permission to "try it." Through several conversations, it seems he just wants to find someone like him (straight/married) that would want to get together a few times a year and have sex.

Is this a common thing? He makes it sound like there are guys out there all over the place just waiting to hook up with other guys. And if I let him do this, I am worried I will eventually resent it, or think less of him as a man, or something. I am pretty open, but this is stretching it a bit for me. I broached the subject of an open marriage to see if that what he was angling for, but he said no - he couldn't handle me having sex with other guys.

I am just not really sure what to think and needed someone to talk to.

Thanks.
How about starting with swinging. That way he can watch another man and you can enjoy it too.
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Old 08-05-2012, 10:51 PM   #9 (permalink)
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Default Re: Husband wants to have sex with a man

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The original poster has not been back for a long time. You might want to start your own thread on the topic.

This is something your husband should have told you before you married him. It's dishonest of him not to have told you.
Since you are both married to similar men, you all should get together.
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Old 08-05-2012, 11:02 PM   #10 (permalink)
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Default Re: Husband wants to have sex with a man

I'd encourage you to get yourself to a PFLAG meeting.

PFLAG: Coming Out Support for LGBT People

You'll find people like yourself who can help and support you.

Men who are gay or bisexual but haven't come to terms with it are at very high risk of STD's. They often don't plan on doing anything and "are caught up in the moment" and don't use protection. Please take care of yourself.
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Old 08-05-2012, 11:05 PM   #11 (permalink)
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Default Re: Husband wants to have sex with a man

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Originally Posted by lifeisnotsogood View Post
Since you are both married to similar men, you all should get together.
I'm not married to a similar man.
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Old 08-06-2012, 07:05 AM   #12 (permalink)
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Default Re: Husband wants to have sex with a man

Zombie thread, but this:

Quote:
Through several conversations, it seems he just wants to find someone like him (straight/married) that would want to get together a few times a year and have sex.
COME ON...
What's up with these guys wanting to bang other guys and wanting to be called straight? Daaaamn... Are they serious?
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Old 08-06-2012, 07:36 AM   #13 (permalink)
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Default Re: Husband wants to have sex with a man

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COME ON...
What's up with these guys wanting to bang other guys and wanting to be called straight? Daaaamn... Are they serious?
Yeah, apparently so. A friend of mine is gay, and he tells me there is an unlimited amount of "straight" married men looking for some guy lovin' on the side. I don't think it's common, but this shyte goes on...and the poor wife probably doesn't have a clue in most cases.
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Old 08-06-2012, 08:37 AM   #14 (permalink)
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Yeah, apparently so. A friend of mine is gay, and he tells me there is an unlimited amount of "straight" married men looking for some guy lovin' on the side. I don't think it's common, but this shyte goes on...and the poor wife probably doesn't have a clue in most cases.


Really?
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Old 08-06-2012, 08:43 AM   #15 (permalink)
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Really?
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Yeah, really. Even here, deep in bible belt country, we have a park in town for crap like this. I know this, b/c church leaders, local politicians, teachers, etc. get busted there. They apparently pull up at this wooded park during the day, and disapper into the woods for some action. The cops set up stings now and then and just scoop them up...and then these "straight" married men all over the local news.

You probably have a place like this in your town.
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