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Sex in Marriage Sexual problems are common in many relationships. This section is for discussions about sexuality. Please limit discussions to those asking for help with a problem and those offering advice. Any other threads may be deleted.

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Old 02-26-2012, 12:28 PM   #31 (permalink)
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Default Re: husband wants to watch me masturbate

As a dude, I consider masturbation a pretty private activity. Although my wife knows I masturbate, I would not do it knowing she knows I'm doing it.
I'm sure Isolde feels the same way. It's not a matter of letting go, just that it's something private and you need to give your full attention to it.
But then, perhaps he wants to watch and learn.

Last edited by frankd; 02-26-2012 at 09:20 PM.
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Old 02-26-2012, 12:58 PM   #32 (permalink)
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Default Re: husband wants to watch me masturbate

I was like "what's the big deal with that?" Then after reading more, I was like "oh, are we talking about 'putting on a show', i.e., as in porn style? Gees, can't do that".

When I masterbate, I am always face down, because I grew up (from a very young age) humping pillows or blankets. That was actually bad because I learnt to rely too much on clitoral stimulation but fortunatley I discovered my G spot later...but anyways, I still do it sort of sideways with my hand from behind. So, I would do this with my husband behind me, basically like spooning, and I would ask him to caress me and talk dirty to me. I am not putting on a show and can't even see him. He enjoys watching me getting there. Perhaps you can try something like that. Your husband will not get a full frontal view but he might still enjoy seeing your pleasure.
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Old 02-26-2012, 03:45 PM   #33 (permalink)
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Default Re: husband wants to watch me masturbate

Quote:
Originally Posted by frankd View Post
As a dude, I consider masturbation a pretty private activity. Although my wife knows I masturbate, I would do it knowing she knows I'm doing it.
I'm sure Isolde feels the same way. It's not a matter of letting go, just that it's something private and you need to give your full attention to it.
But then, perhaps he wants to watch and learn.
From a man's POV ... maybe this applies to women at least to some degree as well: It took a LONG time for me to realize that my wife found it a turn-on to see me masturbate. (My story is on page 18 of the thread "Do women like to watch men masturbate"). When I learned it, it was a VERY difficult thing for me to do the first time. It turned out to be such a huge turn-on for my wife, though, and I spent all those years never knowing that. Once I got past the hang-ups, and saw her as a participant with me, it became something quite nice that we could incorporate into our love-making. That includes sometimes now where it is a show, sometimes when she helps, and sometimes when she can't stand it any more and it becomes wildly passionate sex. Nothing we do is an every time thing, but this has been a nice addition to what we do, now, and she has begun to return the favor for me - very nice.

It's a hangup at first, I understand. When I got past my hangup, and did it for her, it was very nice. That's my bit in it for what it's worth.

EDIT: FWIW, my hangup with masturbating for my wife is actually the reason for my screen name here. You can probably tell I'm not normally shy, but I had to overcome a huge hangup to even admit to my wife I masturbated, then another one to do it for her. When I saw the questions in the thread I mentioned above where women were asking how to get their husbands to do that, I decided to register and post my experience, but it was even a bigger hangup to post that ... I felt very "shy" about doing that, so I registered as "shy_guy." My hangups were big, but I'm glad I overcame them. I'm not pushing, just trying to be open and show how real of a hangup it was for me to overcome.

Last edited by shy_guy; 02-26-2012 at 04:06 PM.
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Old 02-26-2012, 03:57 PM   #34 (permalink)
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Default Re: husband wants to watch me masturbate

From your point of view, he should not get angry just because you are uncomfortable doing this. From his point of view, there is nothing as HOT as watching a woman pleasure herself. It took my wife many years to be comfortable with doing this for me, but now she will and she really enjoys it.

So you need to tell him in a calm manner how you felt that he got angry at you over this. Then you need to find out why this is so uncomfortable for you. Anything is acceptable between husband and wife. You are not doing something "dirty." Give it a try...you might be surprised. However, you must make it clear that his "pouting" has nothing to do with it. You do love him and want to please him. What can he do for you in return?
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Old 02-26-2012, 07:27 PM   #35 (permalink)
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Default Re: husband wants to watch me masturbate

It took me a long time to be able to do this for my hubby. A drink or two DOES help to loosen me up I was brought up in a very religious household which left me with some hang ups about sex, masturbation included. Once I realized it was just that - a hang up - and I decided it was something I wanted to do to please him, it was much easier to do so.

He does do a lot for me in the bedroom though. That engenders an atmosphere where I want to please him too. If he was just selfish, it wouldn't.
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Old 02-29-2012, 09:10 AM   #36 (permalink)
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Default Re: husband wants to watch me masturbate

I say give it a few try's. If you hate it then tell him you tried and you really dont like it. But, who knows if you actually relax, maybe watch him do it, you may discover something you both enjoy. Think of it this way...If you wanted to watch him and he refused to even entertain the idea, how would that make you feel?

Try it, you might like it if you'll allow yourself to.
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Old 03-07-2012, 05:37 AM   #37 (permalink)
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Default Re: husband wants to watch me masturbate

May I comment here..........
I am currently introducing my wife to self masturbation but I am trying to do this carefully as i really don't want to force her into this and scare her off!!
I am trying to promote a wider more enjoyable sex life than just a 'roll on roll off' relationship but i need my wife to explore her body and realise that she is beautiful and that sex is about both of us enjoying the moment.
One of the things i am trying to do is to get her to explore her body in greater detail in a hope that this might generate a greater interest in love making. i am not asking her masterbate in front of me alone whilst i watch. One of the things i have been trying as part of our foreplay is using massage oil and holding her hands and gently sliding them all over her body and to the areas that i like to caress and touch. we have done this a couple of times now and so far its great. The next move is for something more like a reverse cowgirl but again whilst we are together in this position i will take hold of her oiled hands from behind and gently guide them over her breasts and slowly down between her legs to that she can feel and work with me. She has felt inside herself recently but commented that she felt abnormal!! i am trying to get her to understand that she is so very normal there so that she can relax more and again enjoy the moment. i think with a lot of tenderness and a bit of time she will be doing this and more without even me asking her too....

I say that you should try this and take your time with your husband and slowly introduce it and then a bit more and a bit more until you are comfortable with it.

good luck :0))
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Old 03-07-2012, 06:18 PM   #38 (permalink)
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Default Re: husband wants to watch me masturbate

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Originally Posted by Isolde View Post
This has come up in the past, and I am very uncomfortable about it. Actually I am not a big masturbater to begin with - I would rather have sex with the person I am in a relationship with ie - him. It's not that I haven't done it it's just that if I felt the need I would do it privately without an audience. We have some toys that we occasionally use when we have sex, and recently he had both a bad case of poisen oak (don't ask) and a head cold so sex was out really but he brought up again that it would be great if we could both masturbate and relieve the tension (I was fine and was happy to wait until he was better). I told him flat out again that I don't feel comfortable with this situation and that it would leave me feeling creepy and disgusting -I think masturbation is private and not something I want to do in front of someone else - honestly I am normally very orgasmic and love having sex with him and know I would be so embarrassed that I wouldn't be able to relax enought to have any pleasure from the experience, he is now pissed off and offended, got angry and really hurt my feelings - we have actually been together for over 24 years so WTF? I don't know what to think at this point - opinions please.


I think if you actually tried to masturbate in front of him it would get easier for you over time. Maybe you should try it with a mask on over your eyes. You don't need to see him watching you. Otherwise I think your lucky. I tried to do this with my husband but he would rather not watch me touching myself. It gives him the urge to do it for me.
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Old 03-07-2012, 06:31 PM   #39 (permalink)
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Default Re: husband wants to watch me masturbate

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Originally Posted by Isolde View Post
This has come up in the past, and I am very uncomfortable about it. Actually I am not a big masturbater to begin with - I would rather have sex with the person I am in a relationship with ie - him. It's not that I haven't done it it's just that if I felt the need I would do it privately without an audience. We have some toys that we occasionally use when we have sex, and recently he had both a bad case of poisen oak (don't ask) and a head cold so sex was out really but he brought up again that it would be great if we could both masturbate and relieve the tension (I was fine and was happy to wait until he was better). I told him flat out again that I don't feel comfortable with this situation and that it would leave me feeling creepy and disgusting -I think masturbation is private and not something I want to do in front of someone else - honestly I am normally very orgasmic and love having sex with him and know I would be so embarrassed that I wouldn't be able to relax enought to have any pleasure from the experience, he is now pissed off and offended, got angry and really hurt my feelings - we have actually been together for over 24 years so WTF? I don't know what to think at this point - opinions please.
I would say your husband's reaction is childish, but I understand it because its how I would have reacted to something like this even up to a few years ago.
Its easy to say you should open up and be comfortable around your husband etc - but if by guessing on your age you are into your mid to late 40s and masturbation makes you uncomfortable in front of your husband, I don't know if you are going to have a revelation about this.
Perhaps a compromise could be reached. My wife's attitude about masturbation is very similar to yours. But she knows I think its very very hot. So when we are intimate and shes in the right mood - she'll do it for a few minutes, for me. Do I wish it was more - sure, but she does compromise for me, and I appreciate that. So perhaps that can be a solution for you.
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Old 03-08-2012, 02:33 PM   #40 (permalink)
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Default Re: husband wants to watch me masturbate

There are a lot of good suggestions in the previous posts. I think most of them are on target. It is true that you should not be forced to do anything that you are uncomfortable with doing and his angry reaction was uncalled for. But, I do not see this as anything that you and your husband can't get past.
My wife and I have done this in front of each other for a few years now. At first, we were both very hesitant, her more so than me. At first, I thought that I wanted to do it because of the erotic and spicy nature of the activity....and believe me, it is extremely hot when she does (I'm VERY visual). But over time, it has actually developed into a bit more. I believe that it was like this from the beginning but I have come to realize that it is also about the intimacy and emotional aspect of the relationship. I find it amazing that my wife and I have come to the point in our relationship (23 years this past Sunday) where we feel comfortable enough to do this with and for each other.
As I said before, I think this is something you can get through but it will require a bit of compromise from both sides.
My suggestions:
Make sure you are comfortable with the whole concept of masturbation, for yourself and your husband. Make sure there are no deep seated feelings that might be skewing your perceptions. If you discover that you have hang ups about masturbation in general, you will need to work through that.
Assuming you are comfortable with masturbation, sit your husband down and discuss the situation calmly and rationally. Let him know that while you love him and appreciate him and the stress that he has been under lately, becoming angry and trying to force you to do something that you are uncomfortable with is not the way to go about trying to get his way. Let him know that you are willing to discuss the issue but he needs to develop an understanding of how difficult this is for you.
Begin a process whereby you and your husband gradually work up to the point where you are both satisfied. It will require you to move outside of your comfort zone a bit, but it will require him to be a bit more patient and understanding.
After setting the framework through conversation, begin slowly. Someone in a previous post mentioned doing it in bed while the covers were pulled up to your neck so that you don’t feel so “exposed” but at the same time it would allow for you to get comfortable with the idea of doing it with him in the room. Perhaps this could graduate to doing this on top of the covers but with all lights totally off and dark. If this were my situation, just the sound of my wife’s pleasure would get me revved up. From there, graduate to on top of covers, lights on but sitting back to back, skin touching but he cannot actually see you at this point. Again, slow steps. The idea is that eventually, you may learn to feel freer in your willingness to fulfill this request from your husband and he will learn some patience and the virtue of communication.
I might also mention that the payoff can be huge for both of you if you are able to succeed at this. You will both explore a new area of married sexuality and the intimacy that you will gain will be indescribable.
Good Luck!
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Old 03-09-2012, 11:36 AM   #41 (permalink)
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Default Re: husband wants to watch me masturbate

I am truly sorry this issue is causing conflict for you and your H. My wife was bashful at first in this regard which is really strange as I have masturbated in front of her dozens of times before. Similarly, she hid the use of a toy from me for months and even denied using it. The strange thing is that she had previously admitted to using a vibrator in the past and even let me use it on her and her on herself. I strongly believe this is all caused by the shame parents and/or society has placed on us regarding this sort of thing. I think this is more directed toward girls than boys. Stupid double standard!

Many people fail to recognize the impact that parents can have on their own sexuality. They think “my parents never told me “masturbation is dirty and don’t do it” but, they have to understand that even when they were very young and over the years the non-verbal ques your parents gave you when you touched your genitals or how uncomfortable they became when the topic of sex come up. Just the fact we our society says that can’t we shouldn’t let people see our genitals sends a message that there is something bad (or at the very least very private) about them. Most modern societies have even added breast to be something that we need to cover even when we swim. I am not advocating nudity but, you see my point. In addition tittle kids can pick up on subjects that parents don’t want to talk about. Kids also notice how parents react when a provocative conversation comes on the TV and how parents react.

I thank God that my mom was smart enough to openly talk (briefly) about sex. She bought me books with pictures. These books told me that it was OK and natural to become aroused, to be interested in the opposite sex and to masturbate. The topics of oral, anal and were also broached in a somewhat clinical and non-judgmental way.

I am glad that I am involved with Tam and the open minded people like the original poster hear who has the courage in front of what can be a rough crowd to share with us her apprehension about this issue.

I say to you the original poster with sincerity and a kind heart:

People publically drink wine, beer, wine, get massages, eat deserts or other food that is equally nutritionally void, smoke cigarettes or do other not entirely benign things publically. All of these things are done for the sole purpose of providing pleasure and are done without any shame whatsoever. Yet, the act of self-pleasuring is somehow something that is viewed as bad, dirty and shameful. I am not promoting masturbating in public (LOL) but, you get my point. I make this point to perhaps give you some insight to why you (and others) feel the way you do.

Some people say that your husband should respect your wishes. I would venture ask what is it about your genitals and/or the act of you touching them for him to be so bad that you would not be willing to do this? What are you really apprehensive about? Are you self-conscious about him seeing you in a certain way? I am not suggesting that there should not be some boundries in a marriage regarding sex but, I don’t see why you could not at least try to become more comfortable with this one.
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Old 03-13-2012, 02:49 PM   #42 (permalink)
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Does anyone else feel this way. I don't think that this request has anything to do with intimacy.

The fact that he got angry and is comfortable using anger to make her do something that makes her uncomfortable, does not say intimacy to me. He wants pleasure and that's ok.

When I read this my reaction is, yea right. I am not saying that the belief is insincere but it sounds like the things teenaged boys say to get in a girls pants. I wonder if other people feel this way.

I mention it because his partner may not buy this interpretation and may dismiss trying because it does not ring true.

If he posted I would advise him to banish anger from his attitude about sex, no rationalization. Then he should think of his sexual desire in terms of mutual pleasure and not acts that his wife needs to do for him.

With that attitude, he would be able to back off with a hug. He would realize that he is too focused on himself and as a consequence, too abrupt in his approach.

Instead of anger he could calmly think of ways to introduce in small steps, looking out for her comfort and pleasure along the way.

That is more likely to get him the fun that he wants because she would join him willingly.
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Old 03-13-2012, 03:18 PM   #43 (permalink)
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Rejecting his need for intimacy will only scar him in the long run.
Wow not putting on a mastubation show while she is uncomfortable will scar him. How so?

I think she is the one who will be scared because her needs for intimacy which I assumed is warmth, love, trust and safety, is not being met.

He is not the only one with intimacy needs and he does not sound like his feelings are so delicate.
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Last edited by Catherine602; 03-13-2012 at 07:20 PM.
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Old 03-13-2012, 03:25 PM   #44 (permalink)
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Default Re: husband wants to watch me masturbate

This was a big step for my wife and I. We followed 101 nights of great sex, The Laura Corn Challenge, it was great. I was told to sit the the closet on a chair and just peak out and not say a word. Wife walked in undressed, layed down on the bed and went to town. Three minutes later she told me to get out there and take care of business. It was awesome!

That said you should not be pressured to do anything you do not want to but after 20 years, you should be open enough to try things like this. No pain, and it is something you would do for yourself, why not include him
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Old 03-13-2012, 03:27 PM   #45 (permalink)
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Default Re: husband wants to watch me masturbate

She is feeling uncomfortable...since she is doing it in front of someone else..and she feels it's a private thing to do so...

Hmmm

What really happens when two are having foreplay and then intercourse is that a man is "masterbating" the woman through his "god damn weapon" and by other parts of his body(fingers,hand plays, hard slaps at the butt , using mouth,going down etc like a machine ...so she gets the pleasure through the power strokes , piston works and total caress through such stimulation, and all over the woman's body for leading to ecstasy and bliss...and he is both an active partner, prime mover and witness to her expressions( violent, virulent, shrieking,groaning expressions n so on ) there of

..her face will show similar experiences as when she self-stimulates her

so why not she do the required thing he asks..?

Last edited by Mark Val; 03-13-2012 at 03:34 PM.
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