husband wants to watch me masturbate
 Talk About Marriage
  The Marriage Advice and Relationship Help Forums
  right
Forums - For Therapists - Link to Us - Advertise  

    A Public Forum Provided by The Family & Marriage Counseling Directory
Register FAQ Community Search Today's Posts Mark Forums Read

Navigation »Talk About Marriage »Focused Topics »Sex in Marriage » husband wants to watch me masturbate

Sex in Marriage Sexual problems are common in many relationships. This section is for discussions about sexuality. Please limit discussions to those asking for help with a problem and those offering advice. Any other threads may be deleted.

Like Tree7Likes

Reply
 
LinkBack Thread Tools Search this Thread
Old 09-22-2011, 08:03 AM   #1 (permalink)
Registered User
 
Join Date: Sep 2011
Posts: 2
Default husband wants to watch me masturbate

This has come up in the past, and I am very uncomfortable about it. Actually I am not a big masturbater to begin with - I would rather have sex with the person I am in a relationship with ie - him. It's not that I haven't done it it's just that if I felt the need I would do it privately without an audience. We have some toys that we occasionally use when we have sex, and recently he had both a bad case of poisen oak (don't ask) and a head cold so sex was out really but he brought up again that it would be great if we could both masturbate and relieve the tension (I was fine and was happy to wait until he was better). I told him flat out again that I don't feel comfortable with this situation and that it would leave me feeling creepy and disgusting -I think masturbation is private and not something I want to do in front of someone else - honestly I am normally very orgasmic and love having sex with him and know I would be so embarrassed that I wouldn't be able to relax enought to have any pleasure from the experience, he is now pissed off and offended, got angry and really hurt my feelings - we have actually been together for over 24 years so WTF? I don't know what to think at this point - opinions please.
Isolde is offline   Reply With Quote
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
Old 09-22-2011, 08:25 AM   #2 (permalink)
Member
 
Join Date: Sep 2010
Posts: 390
Default Re: husband wants to watch me masturbate

Life gets in the way of actual intercourse all the time. However intimacy of any sort between you should always be the goal. Oral, manual stimulation, joing masterbation - I would be offended as well if I invested 20+ years with someone and they STILL weren't completely comfortable with me. (That is how he is feeling).

He wants to connect with you using alternative means and you don't. That hurts him some. He's probably thinking "I'm not even really going off the beaten path very far and she is already not participating".

Variety, experimentation, and participation are very important to most people, particularily men. There are far kinkier things he could be asking of you. If you can work towards being a little more comfortable expanding your repitiour, and adding tools to the toolbox you will most likely gain a much closer relationship.

Rather just saying no flat out. Work towards it. Baby steps. Maybe watch him first. Maybe watch him and feel your breasts at the same time. Maybe start off with phone sex where he can hear you but can't see you, work towards it on your own schedule but don't just shut it down entirely.
eagleclaw is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 09-22-2011, 08:43 AM   #3 (permalink)
Member
 
Enchantment's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2011
Posts: 2,351
Default Re: husband wants to watch me masturbate

Well, I can see why you feel upset. No one wants to be compelled to do something that they don't feel comfortable with. That usually starts a process of an aversion to the act.

And I can see why your husband feels upset, because he wants to be able to have more intimacy with you and have you be more open.

With that said, you two need to come together with some kind of compromise and understanding because intimacy will take both of you working together, non-judgmentally with each other.

You should be able to talk with your husband and tell him how you feel about masturbating in front of him. I myself cannot do this because it makes me feel like I am 'putting on a show' and it is very difficult then to be able to do it (performance anxiety anyone?). However, it can happen when we both do it together.

Think about ways that you may be willing to explore this with him - would you feel comfortable doing it together - would you feel comfortable doing it partially clothed at first or covered with a sheet? If it's something that you just cannot bring yourself to do, he needs to learn to accept and respect that, but you should also accept and respect what his desires are, so look at what other things could you explore together.

Best wishes.
__________________
Enter these enchanted woods, You who dare. ~ George Meredith

Last edited by Enchantment; 09-22-2011 at 08:47 AM.
Enchantment is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 09-22-2011, 09:26 AM   #4 (permalink)
Member
 
Join Date: Sep 2010
Posts: 390
Default Re: husband wants to watch me masturbate

Yes this, she said pretty much what I was trying to say, just much more eloquently!


Quote:
Originally Posted by Enchantment View Post
Well, I can see why you feel upset. No one wants to be compelled to do something that they don't feel comfortable with. That usually starts a process of an aversion to the act.

And I can see why your husband feels upset, because he wants to be able to have more intimacy with you and have you be more open.

With that said, you two need to come together with some kind of compromise and understanding because intimacy will take both of you working together, non-judgmentally with each other.

You should be able to talk with your husband and tell him how you feel about masturbating in front of him. I myself cannot do this because it makes me feel like I am 'putting on a show' and it is very difficult then to be able to do it (performance anxiety anyone?). However, it can happen when we both do it together.

Think about ways that you may be willing to explore this with him - would you feel comfortable doing it together - would you feel comfortable doing it partially clothed at first or covered with a sheet? If it's something that you just cannot bring yourself to do, he needs to learn to accept and respect that, but you should also accept and respect what his desires are, so look at what other things could you explore together.

Best wishes.
eagleclaw is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 09-22-2011, 10:14 AM   #5 (permalink)
Registered User
 
Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: Massachusetts
Posts: 4
Default Re: husband wants to watch me masturbate

I can completely understand where you are coming from. I am having a similar issue myself in regards to my husband wanting me to do things that I am just not comfortable with. I understand men want to spice things up but I also feel that he is not respecting my wishes. It is a tough situation honestly and hopefully things work out for the best
inneedofmajorhelp74 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 09-22-2011, 10:24 AM   #6 (permalink)
Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2011
Posts: 96
Default Re: husband wants to watch me masturbate

I think this is...kind of...a fantasy thing for a lot of men. We're pretty visual...and, the idea of watching our wives "flick the bean" to orgasm is definitely a hot, voyeuristic thought. But, the FACT is...a lot of women simply aren't comfortable with it.

For that matter...many men aren't comfortable stroking it for their wives enjoyment, either.

You can "work on it" if you want to..but, ultimately, it falls on him to respect your boundaries, and let fantasies be fantasies.
roymcavoy is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 09-22-2011, 11:16 AM   #7 (permalink)
Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 295
Default Re: husband wants to watch me masturbate

I think your husband is communicating that this is important to him. Try to cross the hurdle and do it to see how it goes. If you drink at all....perhaps a glass of wine to overcome feeling inhibited. It isn't a hurtful thing he is asking you. Give validation to the importance to him.

BTW Roy.....not all women use their hands to masterbate (flick the bean). Some rub on things. Some squeeze their legs. There are so many variations on how woman do it.
chattycathy is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 09-22-2011, 11:41 AM   #8 (permalink)
Member
 
kelevra's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2011
Location: Michigan
Posts: 65
Default Re: husband wants to watch me masturbate

We do it in front of each other all the time, no big deal. Just let yourself go and enjoy each other. Some nights she asks me to get her toy for her and plays in front of me and asks me to do the same which gets her off even more. Other times we do it as foreplay which always works really well too. You should be glad he wants to watch you rather than porn .... not that we don't do that together too !
__________________
" Get busy living, or get busy dying." Andy Dufresne
kelevra is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 09-22-2011, 03:06 PM   #9 (permalink)
Registered User
 
Join Date: Sep 2011
Posts: 2
Default Re: husband wants to watch me masturbate

I am actually very open to other options of touch or HIS masturbating as an alternate and don't feel uncomfortable at all with that, during sex he sometimes likes me to fondle my own breast - fine - no issues - I just really feel very uncomfortable about going at it with a vibrator while someone watches I don't know why I have such a hang up about it. He also makes it hard to be more intimate sometimes because while he is very sexual he is not overly demonstrative or affectionate and I am. He doesn't tolerate affection from anyone but me where I am much more openly affectionate for example with friends and family, and give lots of hugs for greetings, ect, he is the opposite but accepts them from me but will not normally initiate them - We normally have enjoyed a very close marraige but he has been under a lot of stress at work, I have been concerned, he really blew up over this and overreacted and hurt my feelings. I wonder if we need to see a therapist to move past this issue, I am very hurt at his reaction and the way he handled it. I think I wish he were more affectionate and he wishes I were more sexual.
Isolde is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 09-22-2011, 03:33 PM   #10 (permalink)
Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 715
Default Re: husband wants to watch me masturbate

Quote:
Originally Posted by Isolde View Post
I am actually very open to other options of touch or HIS masturbating as an alternate and don't feel uncomfortable at all with that, during sex he sometimes likes me to fondle my own breast - fine - no issues - I just really feel very uncomfortable about going at it with a vibrator while someone watches I don't know why I have such a hang up about it. He also makes it hard to be more intimate sometimes because while he is very sexual he is not overly demonstrative or affectionate and I am. He doesn't tolerate affection from anyone but me where I am much more openly affectionate for example with friends and family, and give lots of hugs for greetings, ect, he is the opposite but accepts them from me but will not normally initiate them - We normally have enjoyed a very close marraige but he has been under a lot of stress at work, I have been concerned, he really blew up over this and overreacted and hurt my feelings. I wonder if we need to see a therapist to move past this issue, I am very hurt at his reaction and the way he handled it. I think I wish he were more affectionate and he wishes I were more sexual.


A couple of things:

I could eat in the same restaurant for 25 years. Really, I could. But that doesn't mean I'm going to want to order the same thing every day. If I decide for fries instead of chips one day, that shouldn't upset the apple cart. If the waitress told me that bringing me fries was just too private for her to handle, after 25 years of chips I might get emotive, too. And I might start to get realllllly hung up on fries.

Secondly, it might make you uncomfortable, granted. Now, are you sure that you don't ask your husband to do anything he's uncomfortable with? In bed or out? And are you willing to allow him to refuse to do something he's uncomfortable with (in bed or out)? Careful how you answer . . . you might not like the result.

You both need to compromise. But from where I'm sitting, it doesn't sound like much to ask. And if it gets him this riled up, you can bet that this is just the tip of the iceberg when it comes to him being sexually unsatisfied.
IanIronwood is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 09-22-2011, 03:42 PM   #11 (permalink)
Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 295
Default Re: husband wants to watch me masturbate

And, if you do it for him, it will open you up sexually in ways you would like. It is good for you as a person.

That you use vibrators ...... does he know you do? Maybe you can verbally tell him how you do it before you actually do it. Conversation. Connection.

A glass or two of wine would help. (Unless you are on the wagon due to problems with drinking).

I think you should 'work it girl'.

I say that as someone who knows it is scary to consider but well worth it.

His anger problems.....well.....that is another issue?
chattycathy is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 09-22-2011, 04:10 PM   #12 (permalink)
Member
 
Why Not Be Happy?'s Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: NH
Posts: 499
Default Re: husband wants to watch me masturbate

talk to him about your feelings-----but give it a try. He's hot for you and that's a good thing!
Why Not Be Happy? is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 09-22-2011, 04:52 PM   #13 (permalink)
Member
 
Enchantment's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2011
Posts: 2,351
Default Re: husband wants to watch me masturbate

Quote:
Originally Posted by Isolde View Post
, I am very hurt at his reaction and the way he handled it. I think I wish he were more affectionate and he wishes I were more sexual.
Does your husband know this and acknowledge it? Is he willing to work with you on trying to meet your needs too? Are you willing to work with him on trying to meet his (and that doesn't necessarily mean masturbating in front of him but exploring things that you mutually, consensually agree to doing to help spice things up)?

You need to tell him exactly what you wrote because it sounds like you will need to both meet somewhere in the middle. Letting it just sit will only cause it to fester and that is never good.

Best wishes.
__________________
Enter these enchanted woods, You who dare. ~ George Meredith
Enchantment is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 09-22-2011, 05:10 PM   #14 (permalink)
Member
 
heartsbeating's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2011
Location: Batcave
Posts: 4,889
Default Re: husband wants to watch me masturbate

My H and I sometimes mutually masturbate in front of each other. I find it really arousing to watch him and this leads to "I can't take it any longer just watching you" sex.

As usual I agree with Enchantment, who manages to express her communication thoughtfully and elegantly.

I would like to add that while this may be a fantasy for your husband, and no-one should feel guilty or pressured into doing something they're uncomfortable with, I also consider part of the appeal is knowing you can be completely free and open with each other. We all have different approaches with sex but personally I view this less as a show and more of being let in to something completely intimate and sensual. As Enchantment suggested, it could be partly beneath the covers, it could be however you want it to be if you were ever to consider it .....but just as your H has opened up to you in what would turn him on, you need to open up to him in return and express why you won't do this and your thoughts about him being more affectionate. With or without masturbation, it sounds like you need to expose some vulnerabilities and open up - to help both of you avoid possible resentment and try to understand one another better. Maybe? It's a thought.
__________________
Good girls tone, bad girls lift.
heartsbeating is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 09-22-2011, 06:30 PM   #15 (permalink)
Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2010
Posts: 1,352
Default Re: husband wants to watch me masturbate

If you are uncomfortable with it then you shouldn't do it... However you could always try it once and once you "let go" you may find that you may like it.

I have asked my h if this is something he would like me to do for him... He never game me a yes or no...
ladybird is offline   Reply With Quote
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
Reply

Thread Tools Search this Thread
Search this Thread:

Advanced Search

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off


Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
Want to watch husband masturbate kdm913 The Ladies' Lounge 88 05-17-2014 06:29 PM
My husband thinks I don't do enough work during sex so he'd rather masturbate instead cheerfulholic Sex in Marriage 6 11-29-2012 11:20 AM
Do women like to watch men masturbate? Chapter 5 - Incorporating masturbartion Apples to Oranges Sex in Marriage 3 10-13-2011 01:30 PM

Member Area

Find a Therapist:


Sponsor Ads


Sponsor Ads




Get The Family & Marriage Counseling Directory Help Guide via Email:
Name:
Email:




All times are GMT -5. The time now is 06:11 AM.



Copyright 2007 - 2013 © Talk About Marriage