Great marriage, poor sex life. - Page 4 - Talk About Marriage
Sex in Marriage Sexual problems are common in many relationships. This section is for discussions about sexuality. Please limit discussions to those asking for help with a problem and those offering advice. Any other threads may be deleted.

User Tag List

 140Likes
Reply
 
LinkBack Thread Tools Search this Thread
post #46 of 83 (permalink) Old 09-07-2016, 09:42 AM
Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2016
Posts: 2,888
Re: Great marriage, poor sex life.

I don't know if the analogy is good. Maybe it is the term "wanted". I'm not particularly interested in sex at this moment, but if my wife called and said she wanted to meet at home in an hour for sex, I'd certainly go.

I think what is confusing for HDs, is when they are with a LD who physically enjoys sex - by obvious signs and the LD's own statements, but where the LD will almost always turn down sex. Even if someone is not in the mood at the moment, if they know from experience that they will enjoy sex, why would they so often turn it down?

BTW- here by "sex", I don't mean immediate intercourse, which is of course uncomfortable to painful for a woman who is not aroused. I mean starting with gentle sensual touching, and whatever the LD finds arousing to start with.


My wife and I are willing to put up with much larger energy barriers. We like to travel, and so we are willing to put up with 20 hours of miserable flights in coach seats because we expect to enjoy the destination.




Quote:
Originally Posted by Anon Pink View Post
snip

How often would you want sex if the only time you wanted sex was when you already had an erection?

What do you know about responsive desire?
uhtred is online now  
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
post #47 of 83 (permalink) Old 09-07-2016, 09:46 AM
Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2016
Posts: 382
Re: Great marriage, poor sex life.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Bobby5000 View Post
...She needs to understand a decent sex life is part of a marriage...

A husband cannot say, by the way I cheat with my secretary and neighbor a couple of times a month but otherwise I am a great husband in a good marriage, and a wife cannot say no sex and there is a normal good marriage...
First off, husband/wife are interchangeable. We've all seen this go both ways on TAM...

Ok, I think you're saying that a spouse forcing the other into a sexless marriage is a bad marriage equivalent to a marriage with one spouse having an extramarital affair. If that is what you are saying, I completely agree. I would make the argument that forcing your partner to live a celibate marriage is worse than an affair, because a faithful partner will be stuck without any morally acceptable option for the love and companionship that they expected from marriage. I think both are fundamentally about trust in marriage. You committed to each other, then one person broke that commitment. I tend to believe that this is a clear breaking of wedding vows and should be treated as such morally and legally, IMHO. There should be as much social disdain for a sexless marriage as for an extramarital affair. Also, the term "Sexless Marriage" is an oxymoron, because it is not a marriage without sex. It is more of a legal/financial union, but that does not deserve the title of "marriage", which means much more IMHO.
wantshelp is offline  
post #48 of 83 (permalink) Old 09-07-2016, 10:52 AM Thread Starter
Registered User
 
Join Date: Feb 2016
Location: Great Northwest
Posts: 5
Re: Great marriage, poor sex life.

[I]
Quote:
Originally Posted by Holdingontoit View Post
Worth exploring if she is willing. But good chance it is not hormonal.

Very well might be that she has responsive desire. Many women (and some men) do. In that case, the "problem" is that she has no desire until she becomes aroused, and she is opposed to allowing you to trigger her arousal when she is not feeling desire. In other words, she is only willing to allow you to start touching her in a sexual manner if she already feels desire and arousal, but she typically doesn't feel desire or arousal until after you start touching her sexually. That leaves you waiting for the rare occasion when she feels spontaneous desire.

I suggest you explore this with her. See if descriptions of responsive desire resonate with her. If they do, then she needs to be open to the idea that there is nothing wrong with allowing you to get her aroused before she starts to feel desire. Might require some chats with a sex therapist to discuss that the typical male model of sexuality which start with desire leading to arousal is often reversed in women, with desire only arising after the woman is aroused.

Good luck tracking down what mechanism is at work here.
[

Holdingontoit you just described her to a T. I didn't know it had a name. This is a big help, thank you.
Swatson81 is offline  
post #49 of 83 (permalink) Old 09-07-2016, 11:05 AM
Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2016
Posts: 496
Re: Great marriage, poor sex life.

I couldn't imagine a life without, or with very little sex. My wife and I had this discussion BEFORE we got married. After 20 years together I still can't remember a time she said no, and we still have sex about 5 times a week.

My wife is also an elementary school teacher, and yes, the stress of her job is extreme. What a lot of people don't realize is the actual time a teacher puts into her job. I can tell you this, it most certainly isn't a 9 month job. Dealing with kids who won't behave, parents who won't discipline their kids, parents who criticize the teacher when it's not the teacher's responsibility and is beyond her control, lesson plans around disruptive kids, testing, contributing and participating in extracurricular activities, grading papers, entering grades, taking further required education classes during the summer, kids at home, a husband, etc. The list is neverending.

I can understand the stress levels she has. I see them firsthand. That still doesn't excuse her from duties as a wife. Do you help at home with housework, meals, cleaning? Is she on birth control?

By the way, I am 55 years old, and my wife is 50. We are Christians who are active in our church. Are y'all Christians? Read 1 Corinthians 7. We live it. My body is hers, and hers is mine. We respect each other, and realize that sex is necessary if one or the other spouse wants it. It's God's will.

She absolutely NEEDS to address her issues, not only for you, but for herself. It's obvious something is amiss, and it could be something easily addressed if only she could see past her personal fear long enough to see how this affecting not only you, but herself, and her family. Has she ever given you any kind of inkling as to what she thinks is causing her lack of desire? Is she still attracted to you? Does she think the kids don't know that Daddy is frustrated with her for some reason? Does she even know this is NOT normal? Are you willing to stand up to her and tell her you're not happy with the lack of intimacy, and if she doesn't address it the marriage could be in trouble?

Sometimes you have to absolutely rock the marriage for changes to happen. I'm praying that things change. Reaching out for help is a step in the right direction. Getting her to reach out is what needs to happen.
Luvher4life is offline  
post #50 of 83 (permalink) Old 09-07-2016, 01:42 PM
Member
 
Mr. Nail's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: Western US
Posts: 2,470
Re: Great marriage, poor sex life.

I have an off the wall suggestion. It sort of worked for me. There is some reasoning behind it. Mrs. Nail also functions with reactive desire. There is only one form of active initiation I can use that works with her. And it only works on early mornings when she has had plenty of sleep and she has nothing planned for the day.

One thing that triggers her desire is absence. I know sounds wrong. Now this is an inactive trigger, sort of like the first day of Summer break. I just go on overnight campouts, with out her. It doesn't work every time, but it works often enough. I think it might have something to do with sleeping alone (whether that is because she sleeps better or because it makes her insecure, I don't know, but she is more interested. Second reason it might be working. She sees the activity as manly or mysterious or risky. These things may be making me more attractive in her eyes. Girls fancy a guy who is interesting.

So here is my suggestion. Your kids are the right ages for camping and picking up other hobbies. Develop an away from the house hobby you can share with the kids. Don't invite wife along. It's OK if she invites herself. Even if it doesn't work it will take your mind of your troubles and give you time with the kids.

Also see if you can find a passive trigger that happens more often than the first day of summer break.
Mr. Nail is offline  
post #51 of 83 (permalink) Old 09-07-2016, 03:33 PM
Member
 
Fozzy's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 4,825
Re: Great marriage, poor sex life.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Swatson81 View Post
[I][

Holdingontoit you just described her to a T. I didn't know it had a name. This is a big help, thank you.
Swatson, read up on a lady named Emily Nagoski. She's brilliant at explaining and educating on responsive desire.
Posted via Mobile Device

Darling it's better down where it's wetter, take it from me! --- Sebastian
Fozzy is online now  
post #52 of 83 (permalink) Old 09-07-2016, 08:19 PM
Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2014
Posts: 937
Re: Great marriage, poor sex life.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Holdingontoit View Post
Very well might be that she has responsive desire. Many women (and some men) do. In that case, the "problem" is that she has no desire until she becomes aroused, and she is opposed to allowing you to trigger her arousal when she is not feeling desire. In other words, she is only willing to allow you to start touching her in a sexual manner if she already feels desire and arousal, but she typically doesn't feel desire or arousal until after you start touching her sexually. That leaves you waiting for the rare occasion when she feels spontaneous desire.

I suggest you explore this with her. See if descriptions of responsive desire resonate with her. If they do, then she needs to be open to the idea that there is nothing wrong with allowing you to get her aroused before she starts to feel desire. Might require some chats with a sex therapist to discuss that the typical male model of sexuality which start with desire leading to arousal is often reversed in women, with desire only arising after the woman is aroused.
So for responsive desire, you need her mind to be on sex long before you approach her about anything remotely sexual. Do you guys ever watch movies together? Make sure you let her pick romantic movies with sex scenes now and then. Seeing that might arouse her, then you can start playfully winking at her.

Being a teacher is incredibly stressful, as said. She looks after needy children all day long, then comes home and looks after her own needy children. If you behave as yet one more person with needs for her to look after, she'll just feel more put upon, even if they are sexual needs.

Find some way to make touch and sex about HER needs, not yours. Offer massage without making it sexual. Offer oral sex to her and refuse to accept any reciprocation.
Hopeful Cynic is offline  
post #53 of 83 (permalink) Old 09-07-2016, 08:34 PM
Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2013
Posts: 1,656
Re: Great marriage, poor sex life.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Herschel View Post
There is NOTHING more dire in a relationship than no sex. Wtf do we need the person to be the opposite sex for (for hetero couples) if you ain't getting laid. .
Maybe the problem is that she doesn't want to just "get laid"...
Vega is offline  
post #54 of 83 (permalink) Old 09-07-2016, 09:26 PM
Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2011
Posts: 845
Re: Great marriage, poor sex life.

I think there are some good suggestions, but I'll offer a few more.

The men seem to approach this with a typical male approach, confronting her head on. But many women do not want to talk about it and others say, I am sorry, this is my problem and I have no interest. I think husbands should consider a more general approach. Wait till she wants to do something, perhaps go away, and suggest you are not in the mood, and apologize for that.

You do not want to talk about sex, you want to talk about the entire marriage of which sex is a part. For most, there cannot be a good marriage without fidelity or without sex.
Bobby5000 is offline  
post #55 of 83 (permalink) Old 09-07-2016, 10:35 PM
Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2016
Posts: 407
Re: Great marriage, poor sex life.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Swatson81 View Post
I made the comment to her that I feel closer to her when we have sex and she said she didn't feel that way at all.
To me, this kind of thing is perhaps even more disturbing than the lack of sex. You basically offered her a way for her husband to feel even closer to her, and she's not interested in the offer. If my wife told me that she feels closer to me when I take her out to dinner, I would take her out to dinner more. It's that simple. That's what good spouses do. No rebuttal or contrary opinion necessary.

My wife similarly ignored me even after I told her how important physical intimacy was to me. Why your wife and my wife don't seem to grasp this is a mystery. Makes you wonder what is really going on in their heads.
Tatsuhiko is online now  
post #56 of 83 (permalink) Old 09-08-2016, 09:39 AM
Member
 
Holdingontoit's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: In the woods
Posts: 1,379
Re: Great marriage, poor sex life.

@Tatsuhiko: Makes you wonder what is really going on in their heads.

They find sex uncomfortable to have, uncomfortable to discuss, and uncomfortable to think about. They feel ashamed and guilty when you ask them for sex, or to talk about sex, or to explain why they don't wish to have sex more often. They just want the issue of sex to GO AWAY. When you raise the issue of sex, they want you to GO AWAY. When you do not raise the issue of sex, they do their best to ignore the issue entirely.

That is what is going on in their heads. Explains why they do what they do. Does not explain why guys like us stay married to them.

When you can see it coming, duck!
To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.

Last edited by Holdingontoit; 09-08-2016 at 12:23 PM.
Holdingontoit is online now  
post #57 of 83 (permalink) Old 09-08-2016, 11:06 AM
Member
 
Mr. Nail's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: Western US
Posts: 2,470
Re: Great marriage, poor sex life.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Holdingontoit View Post
They find sex uncomfortable to have, uncomfortable to discuss, and uncomfortable to think about. They feel ashamed and guilty when you ask them for sex, or to talk about sex, or to explain why they don't wish to have sex more often. They just want the issue of sex to GO AWAY. When you raise the issue of sex, they want you to GO AWAY. When you do not raise the issue of sex, they do their best to ignore the issue entirely.

That is what is going on in their heads. Explains why they do what they do. Does not explain why guys like us stay married to them.
Wow what a post. I've had the uncomfortable excuse for years. I don't know how to solve it. Especially when there is no desire to have it fixed. I'm so tired of sneaking around the elephant.
Mr. Nail is offline  
post #58 of 83 (permalink) Old 09-08-2016, 12:24 PM
Member
 
Daisy12's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2016
Posts: 244
Re: Great marriage, poor sex life.

On the prospective of a wife who did many years of deny my husband sex or not showing any interest in it, I really wish my husband had of sat me down and talk to me about how important sex was for him and how he felt when he got rejected. I wish I had of realized that getting what I needed out of my marriage was never going to happen until I put in what my husband needed, I just never had any clue what he really needed from me and it wasn't just duty sex. My husband was too shy and uncomfortable to talk to me about sex back then, and I was too, but if he had of I would not have stayed on an anti depression medication that killed my sex drive to nothing for 5 years. I would have looked at changing it asap because as soon as I stopped taking that medication, my sex drive improved.

I'm not saying that having this conversation will change anyone's sex life with their partner. But if you truly love someone you want to please them. If you truly give your wife what she needs, and express what you need clearly I don't see why any wife would not try to meet her husband's sexual needs. If she doesn't there might be something more wrong with the marriage than you realize.
Daisy12 is offline  
post #59 of 83 (permalink) Old 09-08-2016, 12:32 PM
Member
 
Holdingontoit's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: In the woods
Posts: 1,379
Re: Great marriage, poor sex life.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Daisy12 View Post
If you truly give your wife what she needs, and express what you need clearly I don't see why any wife would not try to meet her husband's sexual needs. If she doesn't there might be something more wrong with the marriage than you realize.
CSA, abuse, rape, sexual harassment, etc. is one quite common and powerful factor to explain why some wives are getting what they need but not reciprocating sexually. They can't, at least not without doing some difficult and often painful work to rewire their connection to their own sexuality. Many women are simply unwilling to do the work and undergo the pain required, especially since they have never experienced joy from sex or having a reliable partner worth making such a large investment.

When you can see it coming, duck!
To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
Holdingontoit is online now  
post #60 of 83 (permalink) Old 09-08-2016, 12:35 PM
UMP
Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2014
Posts: 2,279
Re: Great marriage, poor sex life.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Holdingontoit View Post
@Tatsuhiko: Makes you wonder what is really going on in their heads.

They find sex uncomfortable to have, uncomfortable to discuss, and uncomfortable to think about. They feel ashamed and guilty when you ask them for sex, or to talk about sex, or to explain why they don't wish to have sex more often. They just want the issue of sex to GO AWAY. When you raise the issue of sex, they want you to GO AWAY. When you do not raise the issue of sex, they do their best to ignore the issue entirely.

That is what is going on in their heads. Explains why they do what they do. Does not explain why guys like us stay married to them.
Very, very true.
My fix was to never talk about sex, never ask for sex and never complain about the lack of sex.
Apparently, that in and of itself got my wife more horny.

We subconsciously fixed this problem by scheduling sex. We never even talked about starting a schedule or the actual schedule itself, it just happened. I don't know how it happened, but it did. It's our unspoken rule that Tuesdays and Fridays are sex day. It's been this way for almost a year and we have never admitted to ourselves that it's a schedule. How weird is that!

The above written by holdingontoit was my reality and it has done a 180.

Change for the better IS possible. You might have to get creative, but why not?
UMP is offline  
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
Reply

Quick Reply
Message:
Options

Register Now



In order to be able to post messages on Talk About Marriage, you must first register. Please enter your desired user name, your email address and other required details in the form below.

Important! Your username will be visible to the public next to anything you post and could show up in search engines like Google. If you are concerned about anonymity, PLEASE choose a username that will not be recognizable to anyone you know.

User Name:
Password
Please enter a password for your user account. Note that passwords are case-sensitive.

Password:


Confirm Password:
Email Address
Please enter a valid email address for yourself.

Email Address:
OR

Log-in









Human Verification

In order to verify that you are a human and not a spam bot, please enter the answer into the following box below based on the instructions contained in the graphic.



Thread Tools Search this Thread
Show Printable Version Show Printable Version
Email this Page Email this Page
Search this Thread:

Advanced Search



Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
Pregnant and wanting to end my marriage Islandgirl86 Considering Divorce or Separation 3 02-28-2016 10:26 AM
Age gap in marriage and life expectancy tech-novelist General Relationship Discussion 6 02-12-2016 09:22 PM
Great Marriage with One Major Issue R0badab0b General Relationship Discussion 9 01-16-2016 06:50 AM

Posting Rules  
You may post new threads
You may post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off

 
For the best viewing experience please update your browser to Google Chrome