Sex in MarriageSexual problems are common in many relationships. This section is for discussions about sexuality. Please limit discussions to those asking for help with a problem and those offering advice. Any other threads may be deleted.
I love my husband so much, but lately we have been apart for periods of time because of the military. When he is home for a good amount of time he always wants sex when I don't, if I tell him no he asks if he can look at me while he masturbates. (Yes, I would greatly prefer that to him looking online or at porn for another woman to do that to so I oblige.) And now before he goes away he asks for a nude picture of me so again he can masturbate without porn. But after all that... I have no desire to have sex anymore. I feel dirty when we do. I know if he found out I was not interested he would stop, but I still feel as if I'm little more than a blow up doll or picture to him. Once he gets into it he doesn't notice that I'm not involved and it hurts me. It also, as I said earlier, makes me feel dirty. Because of this our sex life and marriage is going downhill, but I am afraid to tell him because again, I would rather him be "using" me than something else. Is there a way to compromise on this? Or is it a issue for therapy for me?
How often do you tell him no after he`s been away?
How is your intimacy with him?
Are you ever into him sexually?
I never say no the first day he is back, but after that he wants it all the time. Often just hours after the first time. That's when I start saying no. I could go for every other day or few days, but every day is just too much for me. Intimacy unrelated to sex is fantastic. We are extremely close. But lately, no, I am not interested in him sexually at all.
I never say no the first day he is back, but after that he wants it all the time. Often just hours after the first time. That's when I start saying no. I could go for every other day or few days, but every day is just too much for me. Intimacy unrelated to sex is fantastic. We are extremely close. But lately, no, I am not interested in him sexually at all.
Hmm..that should be more than enough intimacy especially if he`s giving and receiving out of bed too.
Is he gone for long stretches?
How long is his typical away time?
Maybe try and rock his world the first couple of days back and get him to tone down slowly after that.
Discuss it with him in a non-ego busting manner after making him well aware you have desire for him.
See, I only say this because I know if I were forced to be away from my wife for any real length of time she`d be unable to get out of bed for a really long time once I returned.
She`d be all I could think about after being away for any extended time.(A week or more)
However if you have no desire for him at all....
Are you not interested in him sexually "at all" because of this difference in sex drives or are there other reasons?
I only ask because this lack of desire is the ultimate problem and figuring out why it's lacking is the ultimate solution.
Is it just that once he gets "going" it seems like he's tuning out to you being there when he masturbates? That is really normal. Guys are visual, and the visual usually gets them going, but once they are going, their focus becomes really narrow.
It's still YOU that he's responding to, it's you he's thinking about. yes, it's sexual thoughts, but many/most men feel loved through physical intimacy, and they want the person they love to be involved in some way - as a fantasy, as a visual, in the same room, best of all in the same act. You're not a blow-up doll or porn, you are the person he loves, and he wants to be close to you, and if you're not on board with sex right then, just having you in the room or present in a picture is the next best thing, and he'll settle for that.
Is he gone for long stretches?
How long is his typical away time?
However if you have no desire for him at all....
Are you not interested in him sexually "at all" because of this difference in sex drives or are there other reasons?
I only ask because this lack of desire is the ultimate problem and figuring out why it's lacking is the ultimate solution.
He's away anywhere from a few weeks to a few months. Home for the same amounts of time.
I agree lack of desire is the ultimate problem, but I can't figure out why. All I know is he tries to "put on the moves" and it seems no matter what he does, how he does it, what mood I'm in, I always get...angry. I am sometimes even in the mood first and he starts to initiate something and I get mad, grossed out, and push him away. I cannot just participate when I'm in that state of mind. I try to politely tell him no but... even if it works I'm scared of why I feel that way. I do love him so I don't understand.
One suggestion, if you ever feel up for it, initiate the action yourself. Guys love it when you take the pressure off.
My wife and I are separate for about a week at a time, three times a year. The last thing I want to do before we separate is have sex with her. That's also the first thing I want to do when I get back. In part, it's because I've been faithful and longing for her while we're separate and know how sweet and thrilling the act will be when we're back together. Men actively look forward to sex. That doesn't mean we trivialize or neglect the other aspects of our relationships, just some of us really feel that we can feel close that way (ok, and there's a hormonal component...).
Is there anything he can do to make himself more attractive/desirable for you? This is your sex life as a couple, if there's anything he can help with, that's fair game as well!
Do you think you feel a lack of desire when he 'puts the moves on you' because you feel he should be showing you he cares about you in some other way when he gets home? If so, what would that way be and does he know that?
Do you feel he does not show you enough concern while he is away for you to feel that connection? If so, what are you expecting and does he know that?
Have you turned it around and looked at it from his point of view? As a man, he is more likely to look at that physical intimacy as the ultimate expression of his love for you - it encompasses all of his emotions toward you in that act - that he wants you because he has missed you terribly and can't get enough of you.
What do you think would happen if you were to enthusiastically meet his physical needs in those first few days home? How do you think he may respond to you then - more connected? - and is that the kind of feeling - connectedness - you are looking for?
I think it is completely natural that your husband, wants a lot of sex after being away for so long. Give the man a break, he is your husband and he wants to make love to his wife!
I also think that it cruel for you to deny him at that time, yet have an issue with him looking at you as he masturbates. If you don't even want to allow him that, I think that you are being very selfish.
It's like your poor husband has to jump through hoops! Being in the military is hard enough...he doesn't need the added stress of a wife that withholds sex. Be thankful that your husband finds you desirable enough to masturbate to. I don't think that ANY husband should be reduced to that, if he has a wife that is not ill in any way.
It is hard for me to understand low drive women, since I LOVE sex. If my husband was away for weeks/months, we wouldn't even be leaving the bedroom for days.
One of the reasons that we have a happy marriage, is we almost never say no to each other in bed.
You need counseling. It's completely natural for a husband who has been away from his wife for an extended period of time to want to spend a few days in bed upon his return.
It's unfortunate that you feel used when you provide for one of your husband's primary needs (sex). Would it upset you if your husband felt used and dirty when you cashed his paycheck or when he took the trash out? Wouldn't you want your husband to happily take the trash out because he loves you and wants to express it by keeping your house nice?
That's what sex is to husbands. They experience and express love for their wives through sex.
I agree lack of desire is the ultimate problem, but I can't figure out why. All I know is he tries to "put on the moves" and it seems no matter what he does, how he does it, what mood I'm in, I always get...angry. I am sometimes even in the mood first and he starts to initiate something and I get mad, grossed out, and push him away. I cannot just participate when I'm in that state of mind. I try to politely tell him no but... even if it works I'm scared of why I feel that way. I do love him so I don't understand.
Do resent that fact that he has to leave you for long streches? I know my wife does (though not nearly much now as she did earlier in our marriage). She tries not to, but as a SAHM with three kids, not having me show up for 3-4 weeks straight can be a real strain. She admits that it is often an irrational emotion, but it is honestly there, so we work through it.
Just figuring out why you are angry with him will go a long way to helping you.
So he isn't abusing porn, Isn't cheating, is intimate and affectionate outside the bedroom, motivated and employed and pulling his share, misses you when he's gone and your the first thing on his mind when he gets back and remains focused on you for some time upon his return. Sounds aweful, no wonder your not attracted and a little disgusted.
Seriously, you need to fix this. You are going to fester so much resenetment in him your marriage will be doomed, if he doesn't end up cheating first.
If he is doing things outside the bedroom that are killing your attraction then identify them, discuss them with him, and get the resolved. It's a very dangerous path you are on and not one of a loving, caring affectionate wife.
You need counseling. It's completely natural for a husband who has been away from his wife for an extended period of time to want to spend a few days in bed upon his return.
It's unfortunate that you feel used when you provide for one of your husband's primary needs (sex). Would it upset you if your husband felt used and dirty when you cashed his paycheck or when he took the trash out? Wouldn't you want your husband to happily take the trash out because he loves you and wants to express it by keeping your house nice?
That's what sex is to husbands. They experience and express love for their wives through sex.
Good luck.
I don't quite get the 'used' feeling either, unless he has no other interaction with you. If my husband said he wanted to look at me and masturbate, I think I'd be so turned on I wouldn't be able to NOT have sex...
So he isn't abusing porn, Isn't cheating, is intimate and affectionate outside the bedroom, motivated and employed and pulling his share, misses you when he's gone and your the first thing on his mind when he gets back and remains focused on you for some time upon his return. Sounds aweful, no wonder your not attracted and a little disgusted.
Seriously, you need to fix this. You are going to fester so much resenetment in him your marriage will be doomed, if he doesn't end up cheating first.
If he is doing things outside the bedroom that are killing your attraction then identify them, discuss them with him, and get the resolved. It's a very dangerous path you are on and not one of a loving, caring affectionate wife.
Yeah, I'm not very hopeful on this one. Clearly, she is evolving an anti-sex bias (no porn? AND no nookie? I know I wouldn't stick around!) that will ultimately destroy her marriage, one way or another. A woman who gets actively angry when her husband tries to have sex with her for no reason has issues . . . likely her issues have issues. It also sounds like she's reluctant to get MC. This poor guy is in for a hell of a downward spiral to infidelity/divorce. She should explain her feelings and cut him loose now, before he gets bitter, and invest in some therapy. But don't make this poor guy go through this. Goddess knows there are PLENTY of willing women out there.
Yup, she should be thrilled to have him and looking forward to sex herself. If she doesn't feel sexual about her husband then he shouldn't be her husband. If he read her post, I doubt he would recover from it. That insight alone would be the undoing. I sure hope she was just having a bad day and doesn't really feel this way. I mean, it sounds like he is doing everything right. He is even confident and smart enough to use masterbation WITH his wife to keep her the focus of even his masterbation. You don't get much more devoted than that.
I mean what more could he do to turn this around? You can change the bait when your fishing, but if you realize your line is in the sewer it won't matter what you use, your still at best only going to get poo.
He makes me feel used. 
If you don't even want to allow him that, I think that you are being very selfish.
