My husband isn't attracted to me
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Old 09-27-2011, 09:11 AM   #1 (permalink)
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Unhappy My husband isn't attracted to me

I've looked around online for other advice and a lot of the people posting have kids, have been married a long time, or their husband has something else going on like ED.

We haven't got kids, we've been married only 3 years (together for 4), and my husband doesn't have ED. He's not gay as far as he knows (and we have talked about it).

What this boils down to is that this is his first real serious relationship. There are a lot of problems other than his lack of attraction (communication, et cetera), but in general I just feel like he isn't proud of me. If we were out together and bumped into a friend of his, I don't know how excited he would be to say, "this is my wife!"... as a matter of fact, at the guy gaming night he attended a few weeks ago, everyone was complaining about their wives/girlfriends so he jumped in to complain about me too.

That aside, I'm not a skinny little thing by any means- but in my defense, I haven't changed at all in the time since we've been together. I'm still just as fat as I was then and I'm still the same person I was then... so I don't really understand why he would marry a person he wasn't attracted to. He told me that he doesn't think he's ever been attracted to me, but that attraction isn't everything. I told him that attraction is multifaceted and important in a marriage- you can be attracted to a person's emotional self, mental self, or physical self- and being attracted to all three means that you fully love that person. I told him that sometimes you can start dating someone who's passably looking, but over time you come to love them completely (and yes, even for their looks- I've been in relationships like that). He hasn't even come to that point with me. I have no doubt that he cares for me, but he doesn't touch me like he loves me. He doesn't put his hand on me just to be in contact with me. He doesn't come up behind me and hug me. He doesn't like to really be in contact at all (he claims he's too hot at night to cuddle) and only lets me hold his arm when I'm needing help walking (I have some spinal issues, making my mobility limited). I kind of just feel like it's economical for him to remain in this marriage and we're good friends so why not just stay married? That hurts me, honestly.

Even if a person is fat (or not), they deserve to be loved and treated like the most beautiful girl in the world by their spouse... otherwise, why get married? I mean, really? There are guys out there (harder to find, but still) who will love me completely for who I am and touch me like they love me and WANT to have sexual interactions with me. They will want to cuddle me, they will want to be in physical contact with me. They will kiss me like they mean it and not just peck me on the lips... but at what point do you decide it isn't worth it anymore and leave your husband in order to find the guy that will do just that for you? I love my husband, but I feel that it isn't fair to feel disgusting and repulsive in my marriage. It isn't fair to have my negative self-image reaffirmed by my husband's lack of interest, lack of expression of his attraction to me (which we've established isn't there at all), etc. I feel shortchanged in a way, and even though prior to meeting him I always felt I'd never get married because I couldn't stand a person long enough, and I feel that we are more compatible than any relationship I've ever had, I find that now I'm just being this meek doormat, waiting for things to get better and waiting for him to REALLY love me... and how long am I expected to wait?

My pastors at church have expressed that I should try to give it time to work because my husband is not yet on the same spiritual page as I am and therefore he shouldn't be held to the same standards as I hold myself to because he doesn't know any better yet. They are telling me to keep trying to work it out, I'm sure in hopes that he will decide that he wants to follow God also, but even if he magically decides to do that, I don't know that he'll also magically decide that I'm beautiful. I deserve to feel beautiful.

What would you do? It's so hard to find advice because our situation is so different than the examples I find online. We're not married a long time or with child or have already had kids; he isn't sexually hindered by something like ED (as a matter of fact, he looks at pornography, so I know he can 'get it up'.)... so I'm just so troubled.

Of course I don't want to divorce him, because I do love him, but I feel that he doesn't love me the way I love him and he doesn't love me the way a husband SHOULD love his wife... including being attracted to me.

Help!
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Old 09-27-2011, 11:24 AM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: My husband isn't attracted to me

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My pastors at church have expressed that I should try to give it time to work because my husband is not yet on the same spiritual page as I am and therefore he shouldn't be held to the same standards as I hold myself to because he doesn't know any better yet. They are telling me to keep trying to work it out, I'm sure in hopes that he will decide that he wants to follow God also, but even if he magically decides to do that, I don't know that he'll also magically decide that I'm beautiful. I deserve to feel beautiful.
Very flawed advice. You are correct. Spiritual awakening has zero to do with his ability to become a good husband. That's like saying, maybe he will become a pro ballplayer if he has a spiritual awakening.


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What would you do? It's so hard to find advice because our situation is so different than the examples I find online. We're not married a long time or with child or have already had kids; he isn't sexually hindered by something like ED (as a matter of fact, he looks at pornography, so I know he can 'get it up'.)... so I'm just so troubled.
You are very clear in what your emotional needs are in your marriage. Your Love Language is physical affection. Love in a marriage is not "feelings" as much as it a series of actions that one does to make their spouse feel loved and special. You have a husband that REFUSES to ACT in way that makes you feel loved, even when you have been very clear what those actions are. You two are conversing about "feelings of attraction" but the issue is his refusal to act as your husband, and this is totally by choice.

What I would recommend to you is get a copy of the "Five Love Laungages". Read it yourself. Ask him to read it. Then ask him if he is ever going to choose to love you in the way that you require to be loved. Give him the choice to love you in the way you need it, or to leave.

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Of course I don't want to divorce him, because I do love him, but I feel that he doesn't love me the way I love him and he doesn't love me the way a husband SHOULD love his wife... including being attracted to me.
Help!
It is sad to be a giver of love and not be a receiver. But, young and childless as you are (and please do not bring a child into this), it would be even sadder for you to waste your life in this way.
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Old 09-27-2011, 12:05 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: My husband isn't attracted to me

I'm in a similar boat-just a few different circumstances.

My h at home loves to touch me-tell me how sexy I am ect. But then his actions leave me feeling like a frog. He checks out other women in front of me, flirts with other women at work, had an issue with porn (still think that's going on), doesn't defend me, stand up for me, brag about me ever. Then he wonders why I have low self esteem. He thinks if he gives me lip service that my self esteem will just flourish. I can't believe those compliments-they are all empty to me when they are not backed up by actions.

I know it's not our h's duty to make sure we have self esteem but they fail to see how their actions affect our lives and then in turn affect the marriage.

Now he is having problems climaxing during sex...He doesn't understand how much it hurts me to know that he would rather masturbate to porn that have sex with me. I'm 31...My sex drive is the highest it has ever been. Just this last weekend-I gave him the "I'm out soon speech". I love him but it's not fair for me to settle with just being. I want passion. And I'm bitter. I want all those times back during my 20's when he wanted sex all the time-he would wake me up at 3am and I would go along-even if I was half asleep. Now, I beg and I might get lucky and have painful long sex ending with both of us not feeling satisfied.

I know this sounds harsh-but you're young-If he doesn't change soon you are going to get stuck. I feel stuck now-I have a few years left to try to have children and 1) I don't want to start thinking about kids until our relationship gets better 2) it's kinda hard to get pregnant when there is no sperm.

He needs to realize that you are not going to stick around in this current situation. Maybe that will motivate him. Maybe it will not but you have to make sure that both he and you know what you need. If you move on, you are then armed with the knowledge of what you need and deserve in the next relationship. I wish I had done that at a younger age.
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Old 09-27-2011, 02:38 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: My husband isn't attracted to me

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I'm in a similar boat-just a few different circumstances.

[...] But then his actions leave me feeling like a frog. He checks out other women in front of me, flirts with other women at work, had an issue with porn (still think that's going on), doesn't defend me, stand up for me, brag about me ever. Then he wonders why I have low self esteem. [...]

I know it's not our h's duty to make sure we have self esteem but they fail to see how their actions affect our lives and then in turn affect the marriage. [...]
My husband doesn't stand up for me, be proud of me, brag about me... I wish he did, you know, just maybe every so often, it would make me feel more like he LIKES being married to me... which is what I meant about it feeling like he's just in it because it's economical, you know?

The problem is, I keep trying to make this work because I DO love him and I DO like having him in my life, but how much do I have to sacrifice (in this case, being made to feel like a beautiful person or at least marginally attractive, among other things) to do that?

Thanks for all the advice so far.
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Old 09-27-2011, 03:01 PM   #5 (permalink)
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The problem is, I keep trying to make this work because I DO love him and I DO like having him in my life, but how much do I have to sacrifice (in this case, being made to feel like a beautiful person or at least marginally attractive, among other things) to do that
?

Be careful here....You may be willing to sacrifice too much and that is part of the problem. You don't want to loose yourself, your self worth by allowing him to define it. That's what I am struggling with so much. I catch myself hating me-why? B/c my h has pix of a co-worker (female crush) on his phone. It's VERY hard..but you have to start realizing that his behavior-It's on him. You have to start doing things that you love that builds up your self confidence. It's a slow process but I've been running, reading-doing things by myself that I enjoy and make me happy. The more confidence you have in yourself and he sees that you don't need him to be happy-might be the catalyst. And if not, you are working on building yourself up as a person for the future. I am in the very fragile beginning phases of trying to rebuild myself and it's not easy and I know it's going to be a long road. I love my h very much-he's the only person I have been in love with but as I told him this weekend-I can't stay and allow myself to be constantly pulled down to 0 self esteem. My h is working on it but sometimes I can sense he's not trying hard enough or is slipping back into habits and I respond with my plans when that happens.

If he loves you-he won't want to see you in that state over and over.
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Old 09-27-2011, 03:39 PM   #6 (permalink)
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I don`t know what to tell you symphonious other than to stop taking counsel from your pastors and never sacrifice too much of yourself just to be with someone.

Its never worth it as it`s never enough.
Since much of what you sacrifice will never be realized you always lose in the end
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Old 09-27-2011, 10:47 PM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: My husband isn't attracted to me

To me, it sounds like you are living with a good friend that "doesn't have THOSE feelings for you...", and you will feel like you are missing out on the intimate aspect of the marriage...

You are correct in saying that everyone deserves to feel beautiful and loved...not just okay looking and liked a lot as a friend...that's for a room mate, not a soul mate...

If there are no kids, try to go to counselling first but if that isn't gonna happen, it may be time to cut your losses and move on...he isn't the only one out there and you will find someone that appreciates you for being you...

My situation is different, and you commented on my thread...so I will leave it at that...but if he has admitted that he doesn't find you attractive after four years of being together...he probably never will...I have met lots of women that I didn't initially find overly attractive, but as I got to know them the attraction grew...and you suddenly realize that you are flirting with someone you never really thought of "in that way" before...

Best of Luck!!

Later.
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Old 09-28-2011, 01:51 AM   #8 (permalink)
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I'm still just as fat as I was then and I'm still the same person I was then... so I don't really understand why he would marry a person he wasn't attracted to. He told me that he doesn't think he's ever been attracted to me, but that attraction isn't everything. I told him that attraction is multifaceted and important in a marriage-
Although he never told you that he married you for your looks you are now telling him that he must find you attractive anyway? You are the one changing the rules not him.

Also, he is not complaining about you being fat, he is happy with you as you are, he just does not find fat people attractive. He cannot change what he is attracted to, but you can change from being fat if you want to.

You have a choice, either accept that you will be fat and he will not find you attractive, or lose the fat. It is all up to you.
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Old 09-28-2011, 08:25 AM   #9 (permalink)
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Although he never told you that he married you for your looks you are now telling him that he must find you attractive anyway? You are the one changing the rules not him.

Also, he is not complaining about you being fat, he is happy with you as you are, he just does not find fat people attractive. He cannot change what he is attracted to, but you can change from being fat if you want to.

You have a choice, either accept that you will be fat and he will not find you attractive, or lose the fat. It is all up to you.
The rules aren't necessarily being changed as much as it is that he -used- to treat me like he was attracted to me. When we were first together (and even when we had first moved in together and yes, even after we were first married), he would do all the things he doesn't do anymore (touch me with desire, want to initiate sex, kiss me just because, hug and touch me just because, want to be close to me all the time, etc). I'm sure part of it is the 'new-toy' feeling wearing off, but still. The fact is, he was once attracted to me in a way where he showed it, and he isn't any longer.

I talked to him about it last night and expressed my concerns that something had changed and I didn't know what it was because I'm still the same person. He couldn't really articulate what had changed (he's an 'I dunno' guy) and this has been a conversation we've had before to which he sees where I'm coming from, tells me he will work on it, and then promptly goes back to doing nothing.

When I ask him why he wants to stay married, he says it's because he loves me... but then I ask him why he is intent on not cooperatively working together to repair damage that's been done and issues that need repairing. Of course his answer is always 'I dunno', but in all seriousness, that's what he does. He knows what the issues are somewhere deep inside, but his conscious only remembers what applies to him (he's got a major selective memory) and he remembers things from YEARS ago that illustrate his point. We have discussed, in depth, what needs to be worked on... but still, he's happy to just let me do all the work.

He made a comment last night while we were talking about how we interact sometimes and that he doesn't always like it. I explained to him that I'm not psychic and I need him to point something out to me if he doesn't like it, and that just as it's in my power to fix this problem, it's in his power, too. His reply? "How is it my responsibility to fix this?" Read: 'This situation is not my problem'... He is very sensitive and takes things too personally sometimes, so I explained to him that while he can explain to me what he is unhappy with, he could also work on taking things less sensitively- e.g. teamwork. The comment just illustrates this whole process though- he's approached it like none of this is his problem and it's my responsibility to fix it... yet, I'm not even the one who had the emotional affair. -_-;

So, frustration city. Sorry to rant. I just intended to reply saying that he was attracted to me in the beginning. :X
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Old 09-28-2011, 09:24 AM   #10 (permalink)
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Sorry to rant. I just intended to reply saying that he was attracted to me in the beginning.
OK so now that the "newness factor" has worn off he does not find you attractive because you are fat.

This really does not change much as the answer is still the same as I said before. "You have a choice, either accept that you will be fat and he will not find you attractive, or lose the fat. It is all up to you."

Why are you ignoring the fact that you can lose the fat if him finding you attractive is important to you? You can talk to him all you want but that will not change what he finds attractive. He has told you that he loves you and has not made an issue of it, but you keep trying to change him instead of you working to improve yourself.

I will be blunt and tell you that it is time for you to put up or shut up. You will never be able to nag him into finding you attractive, so stop trying.
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Old 09-28-2011, 09:57 AM   #11 (permalink)
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OK so now that the "newness factor" has worn off he does not find you attractive because you are fat.

This really does not change much as the answer is still the same as I said before. "You have a choice, either accept that you will be fat and he will not find you attractive, or lose the fat. It is all up to you."

Why are you ignoring the fact that you can lose the fat if him finding you attractive is important to you? You can talk to him all you want but that will not change what he finds attractive. He has told you that he loves you and has not made an issue of it, but you keep trying to change him instead of you working to improve yourself.

I will be blunt and tell you that it is time for you to put up or shut up. You will never be able to nag him into finding you attractive, so stop trying.
Wow-You really get off on insulting someone-Can you use the word 'Fat" again? I am 5'5" and 145 pounds and have experienced similar problems to her. Are you going to call me fat now and that all my problems with my h are b/c of my weight?
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Old 09-28-2011, 10:23 AM   #12 (permalink)
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All TRy is saying is that she sees herself as "fat" and we all have the ability to make different choices and change that...but I really don't see where that is the issue here...

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...I haven't changed at all in the time since we've been together. I'm still just as fat as I was then and I'm still the same person I was then...
She hasn't changed since the marriage...maybe her self image has changed (or not??)...but yes, he has changed the rules on her, which isn't fair play!!

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...he -used- to treat me like he was attracted to me. When we were first together (and even when we had first moved in together and yes, even after we were first married), he would do all the things he doesn't do anymore (touch me with desire, want to initiate sex, kiss me just because, hug and touch me just because, want to be close to me all the time, etc). I'm sure part of it is the 'new-toy' feeling wearing off, but still. The fact is, he was once attracted to me in a way where he showed it, and he isn't any longer...
Maybe our situations aren't that different...do you spend anytime together...not on the couch watching TV, but out for walks or on a date night? I think that is the problem with my marriage, and has been for quite some time...maybe this applys to you as well??

Later.
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Old 09-28-2011, 10:38 AM   #13 (permalink)
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OK so now that the "newness factor" has worn off he does not find you attractive because you are fat.

This really does not change much as the answer is still the same as I said before. "You have a choice, either accept that you will be fat and he will not find you attractive, or lose the fat. It is all up to you."

Why are you ignoring the fact that you can lose the fat if him finding you attractive is important to you? You can talk to him all you want but that will not change what he finds attractive. He has told you that he loves you and has not made an issue of it, but you keep trying to change him instead of you working to improve yourself.

I will be blunt and tell you that it is time for you to put up or shut up. You will never be able to nag him into finding you attractive, so stop trying.
@TRy: Uh... okay?

My point in saying that he was attracted to me before SHOWS he's not bothered by me being fat. As a matter of fact he's told me he doesn't place emphasis on body type anyway, I'm just mentioning that because of my own insecurities.

I'm just really confused why you're putting so much emphasis on my being fat, like it's so out of the realm of possibility that someone could ever be attracted to a fat person? I mean come on. What the real issue is, is that he WAS attracted to me for a decent period of time and now he isn't, and I'm the same size now as I was then.

And believe me, if it was as cut and dry as 'go to the gym, not fat anymore', I'd be all for it because tbh, being fat is uncomfortable- but there are a lot of disability issues I have- mainly, a spinal condition, that prevents me from doing the strenuous activity required to 'hit the gym'... so before you start insulting me and saying that it's my fault for being fat and he just finds me gross, maybe you should think that perhaps there's more to it. :x

@coldshoulder: We do spend time together, yes, but it is mostly hanging out around the house. He works a lot of weird shifts (retail hours) whereas my job is days only. He is usually tired when he works late, but on nights he's home at a decent time (around when I get home) we usually eat dinner together, play video games together, watch TV together (we like to watch Tosh.0 because we can both just laugh and feel silly). He usually goes with me everywhere he can anyway (even to the store) in case I need help, but also (I like to think, anyway) that he just likes to come along for company.

We have had a marked decrease in 'fun events' because of my spinal condition- Ren Faires, cedar point, concerts, etc- I just can't stand/walk that much- but we have started playing a fun card game together that he's been teaching me to play and working with me on (Magic:The Gathering, if you're familiar)... which, I might add, that I picked up as an interest because I knew he liked to play it and I thought it would help us have a common interest. Turns out I like it, who knew. Regardless- I'm trying, but a lot of the issue is he'll say that I never do what he wants to do and it's always what I want to do, but when we are talking about what to do, he's always, "I dunno, whatever" and never offers up suggestions or anything. :x

I just forwarded him a list of things to do (by Mort Fertel) and hopefully he'll think they're worth doing together. (stuff like make a point to compliment, go out to eat together, cook dinner for one another, etc)
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Old 09-28-2011, 12:53 PM   #14 (permalink)
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Default Re: My husband isn't attracted to me

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He told me that he doesn't think he's ever been attracted to me, but that attraction isn't everything.
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What the real issue is, is that he WAS attracted to me for a decent period of time and now he isn't, and I'm the same size now as I was then.
I call BS and I can do it using your own words hearing only your side of things. He told you clearly what he thinks. Stop projecting what you wish he would think and try Listening to him.

Last edited by TRy; 09-28-2011 at 01:00 PM.
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Old 09-28-2011, 02:29 PM   #15 (permalink)
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Default Re: My husband isn't attracted to me

That first quote is from a statement from him recently...but his actions when they were first together say something quite different...

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...he -used- to treat me like he was attracted to me. When we were first together (and even when we had first moved in together and yes, even after we were first married), he would do all the things he doesn't do anymore (touch me with desire, want to initiate sex, kiss me just because, hug and touch me just because, want to be close to me all the time, etc). I'm sure part of it is the 'new-toy' feeling wearing off, but still. The fact is, he was once attracted to me in a way where he showed it, and he isn't any longer...
So the guy is being a DORK...maybe there is a totally unrelated reason for him pulling away, but unless he comes on and makes a statement to enlighten us...we will only be speculating...

It frustrates me to hear about women that want more sexual attention, when mine wants me to basically leave her alone...

Good Luck!!

Later.
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