Need help - no longer attracted to wife - Page 2 - Talk About Marriage
Sex in Marriage Sexual problems are common in many relationships. This section is for discussions about sexuality. Please limit discussions to those asking for help with a problem and those offering advice. Any other threads may be deleted.

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post #16 of 42 (permalink) Old 03-12-2016, 09:18 PM Thread Starter
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Who said I was repulsed by her? I still go down on her 2 or 3 times a week even though I'm getting nothing in return. We snuggle and cuddle in bed and in front of the tv almost every night. It's NOT repulsion at all, it's just a lack of arousal. And she doesn't resent me, in fact she blames herself for having the surgery. I've tried to tell her it's not her fault but I suppose the way things have turned out it's not surprising that she feels that way.

Are there actually counselors that can help with something like this? I mean, breaking the porn addiction and all that? She suggested I talk to our pastor but I can't imagine telling him I have an almost daily porn habit. If the rest of the church found out (and you know it would eventually) it would be humiliating not only for me but for her as well. Our pastor already doesn't approve of me because he doesn't consider my job appropriate for a grown man. Hey, I'm good at it and it's good money so I don't see where it's any of his business.
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post #17 of 42 (permalink) Old 03-12-2016, 09:22 PM Thread Starter
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Oh believe me I could have happily become a butt man we tried anal a couple of times and I loved it. Unfortunately my wife has IBS with constipation on an almost daily basis which has resulted in both severe hemmorhoids and anal fissures. Extremely painful - sometimes so bad she actually cries during bowel movements. I would NEVER consider asking her to do that again!
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post #18 of 42 (permalink) Old 03-12-2016, 09:35 PM
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Re: Need help - no longer attracted to wife

Yes there are counselors who can try to help you. They are called sex therapists. Find one. Google ASSECT. Good Luck.
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post #19 of 42 (permalink) Old 03-12-2016, 09:48 PM
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Re: Need help - no longer attracted to wife

If you have all these health / mental issues at your age, breast size is the least if your problems...

Are your knees good enough for cycling?
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post #20 of 42 (permalink) Old 03-12-2016, 10:16 PM Thread Starter
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As per the cycling - doubt it. Both kneecaps have been blown out, one is artificial and has been since my early 20s. Being a linebacker is not exactly good for your health. Destroyed both knees, lower back, left hamstring, don't even remember how many concussions anymore. Oh and the scar across my stomach from getting knifed in a bar fight during my college days. I'm not a great physical specimen and I'm well aware of it. I've often wondered why my wife stays she could do so much better than me.

I'll look into seeing a counselor. I really do want to fix this no matter what it takes. Even if it means finding another job since I work in an all male environment where a lot of sex talk and soft porn availability at the very least is pretty common.
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post #21 of 42 (permalink) Old 03-12-2016, 10:18 PM
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Re: Need help - no longer attracted to wife

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Trying to lose weight already. So is she. Hard for me because I've really screwed up my body over the years - bad knees and back from football make a lot of exercising really painful. But I've done it before - got down to almost 190 for our wedding only to put it all back on and then some. Right now I'm mostly just walking and watching my diet - my triglyceride number was scary last time around.
What are you eating? Give up sugar and other carbs, and walk a couple of miles a day, and you'll lose weight pretty fast. A vegetarian diet also can help, although again you'll have to watch the carbs.

Always remember the LD motto: "Sex isn't important!!!"
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post #22 of 42 (permalink) Old 03-12-2016, 10:30 PM
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Re: Need help - no longer attracted to wife

There are 12 step groups for porn addiction and other types of addiction that meet every week, even multiple times a week. They do work, but actually, you have to do the work.

First step, don't look at porn. When you want to look at it, go for a walk, or call someone in the group. Better yet, start reading that website CynthiaDe linked for you. You will discover other ways porn has shaped (ruined?) your sex life.

Your wife sounds like a great woman. You've always loved her, even with the extra pounds. Now her breasts are smaller, for medical reasons, and you are considering all kinds of alternatives that will not only ruin your life, but hers. That is not sane thinking. What will you do if she ever gets breast cancer and has to have them removed all together....forget all the love and good years you had together?

She has loved you with lots of extra pounds, severe acne, and bright red hair (not that there is anything wrong with bright red hair on a guy, per se.) If you lose her through selfishness and immaturity, your chances are slim of finding someone else of her caliber who will love you.

If I were your wife, and I had a surgery like your wife's and found out that you were not only not attracted to me, but were considering going to strip bars for sex and you were wishing you could "open" the marriage so you could have sex with other women for their breasts, I would kick you out in a second and not take you back!

You had better get control of your mind, because you are a ticking time bomb.
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post #23 of 42 (permalink) Old 03-12-2016, 10:38 PM Thread Starter
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We're both doing the diet from the book Good Calories Bad Calories. It's a modification on Atkins. Her weakness is chocolate mine is pasta. But I have lost 30 pounds so far she's actually gained 5. We're both far too sedentary in the winter as we both hate being outside in the cold. We actually went for a nice long walk today at a local park until my left knee (the artificial one) gave out. It was 60 degrees out. Supposed to be snowing again by the weekend, crazy. I love Boston but sometimes I seriously feel like moving somewhere with far less winter.

Her nephew (4) is staying with us for the weekend he had a ton of fun playing with our dog at the park. Watching him makes me almost regret our choice not to have kids. I'm almost 100% sure she regrets it. She loves this kid half to death and spoils him like crazy. She'll probably cry when he leaves. Tonight I'm sleeping alone on the couch because the kid and the dog are asleep in our bed with her. I watch them sleep and wonder what could have been. Too late now she's already going through the "change."
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post #24 of 42 (permalink) Old 03-12-2016, 10:48 PM Thread Starter
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I really feel like I am making progress on the modified Atkins diet. My dr recommended this one because my blood sugar is also high and my wife is already borderline type 2 diabetic. The hardest thing for me is trying to diet and quit smoking at the same time I feel like I'm going crazy I'm in my 40s now and I started smoking at 14 so it really is a lifelong habit. Sometimes I think the only bad habit I DON'T have is alcoholism. My parents were both alcoholics and I absolutely refuse to go down that path.
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post #25 of 42 (permalink) Old 03-12-2016, 10:54 PM
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Re: Need help - no longer attracted to wife

I have to be honest. My heart hurts for your wife. From how you describe her, she has a great capacity to love you for you and her biggest redeeming quality in comparison is that she used to look like a porn star.

No one here can help you. Only you can help you.

"If you deliberately plan on being less than you are capable of being, then I warn you that you'll be unhappy for the rest of your life."

~ Abraham Maslow
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post #26 of 42 (permalink) Old 03-12-2016, 11:41 PM
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Re: Need help - no longer attracted to wife

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A 5'3" woman who weighs 110 lbs and has a 40" ribcage? After breast reduction surgery she not only lost 2 cup sizes but also 4" around her rib cage? How? Did the Dr. remove ribs? Back fat?

Please explain.
Yeah the numbers don't add up. Plus the fact that DD's aren't that big that they would cause back pain, it is usually size E plus that leads to shoulder/back pain.

Nice little story though.
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post #27 of 42 (permalink) Old 03-12-2016, 11:51 PM
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Re: Need help - no longer attracted to wife

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I'm probably going to get flamed for this post, at least by the female population here, but I'm getting desperate and really need some help.
Interesting statement for a first time poster.

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Fast forward to the beginning of the problem - past couple of years she's been having a lot of back, shoulder, chest pain. Went to her doctor who pretty much told her the problem is that those awesome double-Ds are damaging her muscles. Recommended that she have breast reduction surgery.

I hate to even admit this because I know it sounds awful but I cried when she told me. About begged her not to do it even knowing how much pain she had been in lately.
You cried, and begged her not to do it, even though you know that they hurt her? Dude!
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post #28 of 42 (permalink) Old 03-13-2016, 12:24 AM
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Re: Need help - no longer attracted to wife

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Originally Posted by BigRedNerd View Post
I really feel like I am making progress on the modified Atkins diet. My dr recommended this one because my blood sugar is also high and my wife is already borderline type 2 diabetic. The hardest thing for me is trying to diet and quit smoking at the same time I feel like I'm going crazy I'm in my 40s now and I started smoking at 14 so it really is a lifelong habit. Sometimes I think the only bad habit I DON'T have is alcoholism. My parents were both alcoholics and I absolutely refuse to go down that path.
I wouldn't try to quit smoking, lose weight, and quit porn all at once.
Find a permanent nutritional plan that you can stick to. Low carb is good, which sounds like that is what you are doing. Here's a site with help for porn addiction: Pure Desire Ministries Intl.

Dude, you have got to quit the porn. That is killing your desire for your wife. You can do it. There's a book that might help also: Facing the Shadow, by Patrick Carnes. http://www.amazon.com/Facing-Shadow-...ing+the+shadow

For more on my marriage philosophies check out the marriage section of my website:
The Feminine Review

Standard Evidence Thread: http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-...ence-post.html
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post #29 of 42 (permalink) Old 03-16-2016, 02:17 PM
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Re: Need help - no longer attracted to wife

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Here's a simple plan:

1. Give up on the porn entirely.
2. Lose the extra weight.

This will get you a lot more interested in your wife. Stopping the porn will eliminate that outlet, and losing weight will increase your testosterone.

Let us know how it works out for you.


Will you guys stop with the porn? Believe it or not, there are lots of people who watch porn who have great sex lives. Stop using porn as an excuse for what he wants. GeeZ
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post #30 of 42 (permalink) Old 03-16-2016, 02:19 PM
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Re: Need help - no longer attracted to wife

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This is the state of your wife's colorectal health; and 1.) You asked her for anal sex 2.) she complied with you.

People with hemorrhoids of that severity would never dream of having anal sex. I've worked in a surgical office, and have heard the yelps of pain from behind the exam room doors, when candidates for hemorrhoid surgery come in for their initial consultation with the doctor. Just the insertion of a lubed finger for a necessary digital exam, can elicit agony.

That was really inconsiderate of you. And your poor wife must have awful self-preservation boundaries to have allowed it

Omg poor wife of his. Some of yall crack me up.
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