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Sex in Marriage Sexual problems are common in many relationships. This section is for discussions about sexuality. Please limit discussions to those asking for help with a problem and those offering advice. Any other threads may be deleted.

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post #31 of 42 (permalink) Old 03-16-2016, 03:12 PM
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Re: Need help - no longer attracted to wife

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Will you guys stop with the porn? Believe it or not, there are lots of people who watch porn who have great sex lives. Stop using porn as an excuse for what he wants. GeeZ
Viewing people as objects isn't really that great.

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post #32 of 42 (permalink) Old 03-17-2016, 02:55 AM
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Yep, quit the porn. It ruins marriages every day with it's unrealistic figures/stories. That'll be the beginning of the end of your problems I'm sure. It'll take a while, but it will be worth it if you love her.
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post #33 of 42 (permalink) Old 03-17-2016, 04:12 AM
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Re: Need help - no longer attracted to wife

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Will you guys stop with the porn? Believe it or not, there are lots of people who watch porn who have great sex lives. Stop using porn as an excuse for what he wants. GeeZ
Lots of people drink and it causes no problem, for some it does. So that's no argument.

But I don't think porn is the primary problem. His breast fetish is and he uses porn to satisfy it just as he used his wife pre-surgery. Now her breasts are too small for his fetish to be satisfied so he doesn't get aroused.
He had no problem having sex and watching porn before the breast reduction and after the surgery he still has the desire to have sex with some big breasts (yes not a woman with big breasts, just big tits, he does not care about the woman, it's a fetish) despite watching porn.

While quitting smoking and losing weight are fine for his health that won't change much in the bedroom. Individual sexual therapy is needed here.
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post #34 of 42 (permalink) Old 03-17-2016, 02:31 PM
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Re: Need help - no longer attracted to wife

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Individual sexual therapy is needed here.
I think so too.

People don't get a free pass to cheat just because their marriage sucks.

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post #35 of 42 (permalink) Old 03-18-2016, 11:29 AM
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Re: Need help - no longer attracted to wife

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We're both doing the diet from the book Good Calories Bad Calories. It's a modification on Atkins. Her weakness is chocolate mine is pasta. But I have lost 30 pounds so far she's actually gained 5.
She may find it helpful to measure your pasta to make sure you don't serve her too much when you eat together!



...after she gets the hang of this your diets will be on track and you will then somehow find yourself with one of those never ending erections that you both will enjoy endlessly. I am not going to tell you how this works, but just "trust me!" It will happen.

Cheers,
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post #36 of 42 (permalink) Old 03-18-2016, 12:03 PM
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Re: Need help - no longer attracted to wife

@BigRedNerd All of us have bodies that change as we age, so if it hadn't been her breasts, it would have been something else to affect you. And even though this is a "fetish" I believe anyone can learn to love differently. Is it easy, no, but if you remain committed, I believe it is totally possible. I experienced a shift in my own love life of something I thought I "had" to have and over time I reconditioned myself to not need that anymore. It sounds like you adore your wife and if it were me and I were in your shoes I would coach myself and say "you know what, I adore this woman and I am going to recondition myself to be aroused by her even with these body changes" then I would just open myself up to it, get professional help if needed, experiment, play around (which I already know you and her have been doing) and I would also remove the thing that feeds your current conditioning, the porn. You love this woman... don't panic, just like you had to condition yourself to play football, this is no different. It will happen and part of that is not pulling the plug too soon. It took almost five years for my old conditioning to morph into new conditioning. Be patient with you and her, build great memories, love life with your woman. You got this.

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post #37 of 42 (permalink) Old 03-18-2016, 12:34 PM
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Re: Need help - no longer attracted to wife

BigRed,

We're all very visual creatures. We're conditioned to like / love the things we see a lot. It's good that your open and communicate with your wife about your feelings. What's not good is the steps (or lack thereof) to move on.

The porn images remind you of what you think you have "lost." Simply put, if you don't cut out the porn, you're never going to develop an attraction for your wife the way she is now. If you want to maintain the status quo, keep watching porn.

My suggestion is to replace the porn with erotica. I think there are one or two sites on the web that might feature material of this nature. This will stimulate your desire without filling you with the harm-causing images. Over time, this may provide you with sexual energy that you can channel towards your wife without the baggage of being constantly, visually reminded of the changes that have taken place.

Second, stop the excuses on the exercise. Would your coach accept your excuses? Well, I don't either. Given your physical condition, you have two choices. Start swimming regularly or get a recumbent bike. You don't have to do a lot to start out, but you have to start building up stamina in activity that doesn't put tremendous stress on the knees. Those are the options. Pick you poison and get after it!
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post #38 of 42 (permalink) Old 01-19-2017, 01:33 PM
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Re: Need help - no longer attracted to wife

The reason why you are struggling, is because your brain has been so damaged by the porn that you can no longer get turned on by a normal sized woman. She must look like a porn star for you to be interested sexually and that why porn use is so damaging. Its horrible to compare your wife to porn stars, and to be thiming about going to see strippers.
I am amazed that she has been ok with you looking at porn all this time. Its a common thing that men who are addicted to porn loose their ability to get turned on by a normal average lady and a normal relationship.
The only solution is to stop the porn for good, because that is making the situation far worse, and gradually hopefully your brain will readjust.

In the meantime, be the best husband and father you can. Its not all about you and your desires.
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post #39 of 42 (permalink) Old 01-19-2017, 02:14 PM
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Re: Need help - no longer attracted to wife

Ok, ok..wow. I get that you miss her giant boobs but are we seriously talking about this? What if your wife got breast cancer and she chose to have a mastectomy as part of her cancer treatment... would you seriously be upset to the point of not getting off when you look at her/were with her because of this? Did you take vows that said something along the lines of accepting this person through good and **** times, through sickness and health...and you can't handle her going down a couple of cup sizes? For reals?

You say you're going to get ripped here and you were right because you know, somewhere in your selfish head, that this is wrong. She's your wife dude...the way that you're talking here makes me feel like you married her boobs, not her.

I do get it. You really, really, REALLY liked that part of her body. I think you are probably objectifying her body and using the porn to support that, like the other poster said. You are making it a big deal by constantly reinforcing this idea in your head that you were so in love with big breasts. You only mentioned it 8 million times. Your wife feels better. She's not in pain anymore. Mourn your selfish loss and get back to loving her for her and not just getting off between her boobs.
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post #40 of 42 (permalink) Old 01-19-2017, 02:50 PM
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Re: Need help - no longer attracted to wife

The OP hasn't been here since March 2016. I doubt he's going to hear any of this.

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post #41 of 42 (permalink) Old 03-22-2017, 10:26 PM
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Re: Need help - no longer attracted to wife

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The OP hasn't been here since March 2016. I doubt he's going to hear any of this.
Likely. But others could benefit as well. Have you had a sleep study to test for sleep apnea? I was suffering with 53 episodes per hour. After I started treatment, things just fell into place for me physically speaking.
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post #42 of 42 (permalink) Old 03-23-2017, 05:09 PM
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Re: Need help - no longer attracted to wife

Reality check here:
The BR surgery was absolutely necessary, otherwise you would be looking at back surgery within 10 years and probably long term disability within 20. So pull your head out of your ass, the surgery likely saved her from a wheelchair, if not spinal fusion. (Former GF with a massive rack, whose husband threatened divorce if she underwent the surgery. Too late, required spinal fusion due to degenerative disk disease exacerbated by being pulled forward constantly by two overfilled water bags on her chest)

Next: Both of you need to drop the weight. (I know, former 325lb 5'10" Half-back - Canadian Football), now 198lbs and having the most fun in decades. Here is something that will keep you up nights: I didn't know I was diabetic until I hit the ER in the middle of a heart attack. That is what obesity does. Give it a decade or so, and you will not have to worry about being attracted to your wife, obesity, and diabetes adds up to erectile dysfunction.
Your wife's colorectal issues may also be diet related.
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