Need help - no longer attracted to wife - Talk About Marriage
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post #1 of 42 (permalink) Old 03-12-2016, 07:25 PM Thread Starter
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Unhappy Need help - no longer attracted to wife

I'm probably going to get flamed for this post, at least by the female population here, but I'm getting desperate and really need some help.

Married for about 15 years. Can't remember for sure, not good w/ those kinds of things never have been. No kids, we both agreed we didn't want them. I'm a computer programmer (yes, video games - admitted uber geek here). Wife teaches PC skills to unemployed people at our county Workforce office. She's one of those perfect people everybody loves. Never have quite figured out what she sees in me but I've always been grateful that she did see something that made her want me.

When we met, I was sitting at about 250 pounds. I'm 6 foot 4 and played football in college so I carried that weight pretty well but it was starting to run to fat instead of muscle. I had pretty bad acne at the time and out of control, too long, curly bright red hair. I pretty much looked like ****. She was this cute (not gorgeous) little thing, about 5 foot 3, probably about 110 pounds when I met her. I have to say (because it gets important later) that she's an almost perfect hourglass except even at 21 her boobs were already huge - I believe she was about a 40DD most of her life. I'm ashamed to admit it but I noticed her because of those amazingly huge boobs. And they were natural, no enhancements needed. She noticed me because some ******* was hitting on her in a college bar and he was getting really pushy and I told him to leave her alone and ended up breaking a bar chair over his head when he tried to cause trouble. Doesn't sound like a great way to start a relationship but within 2 weeks we were dating and the very next semester we moved in together. Married as soon as we graduated from college and hard though it has been at times we've had a pretty darn good marriage. We were each other's first serious relationship, she was a virgin when she met me, I'd been with a few women but no one I really cared about.

Fast forward to the beginning of the problem - past couple of years she's been having a lot of back, shoulder, chest pain. Went to her doctor who pretty much told her the problem is that those awesome double-Ds are damaging her muscles. Recommended that she have breast reduction surgery.

I hate to even admit this because I know it sounds awful but I cried when she told me. About begged her not to do it even knowing how much pain she had been in lately. But we finally agreed that she would have it done. She's still pretty athletic and it was really interfering with a lot of the stuff she loves to do like swimming and hiking. (I on the other hand have hit 300 pounds which isn't even close to being muscle anymore. She's never once mentioned minding.)

So she had the surgery. She's now about a 36C and says she feels better than she has in years. She's got so much more energy now that she doesn't have huge weights hanging down her chest. And I want to be happy for her - but I can't. Because even though I love her for who she is as a person, I've ceased to be attracted to her physically/sexually. I LOVED those big boobs and I just can't seem to get aroused by her now that she doesn't have them. Some of my best sexual experiences have involved her lying flat on her back giving me oral while I thrust myself through her cleavage while holding her boobs together with my hands. Her cleavage isn't big enough for me to do that anymore and I miss it. I miss those huge boobs bouncing in my face when we do cowgirl. I miss the way they fit in my huge (size 13) hands.

I'm a very sexual man. She's a fairly sexual woman. We've always had a sex life that has been acceptable levels for both of us (although I will admit to using porn on a fairly regular basis because I have a very strong need to O at least once a day and she's happier with maybe 3 times a week). She's willing to accept the porn as long as I don't push her for more sex than she wants to give. We've always had a fairly erotic sex life as well - no, it's not 50 Shades (she refuses to do anal - we tried and it was really painful for her) but I've never had any complaints up to this point.

But this is killing me. I want to have sex with her. I NEED to have sex with her. But when I look at her naked with those "normal" sized breasts, I can't even get turned on anymore. The visual stimulation isn't right for me anymore. Not even for oral. We've even tried sex with most of our clothes on, to hide her chest, but that didn't work either. I really seem to need the visual of the totally naked woman to get aroused. And yes, I already know the porn has probably contributed to this - I've been watching it since I was a teen because I always had trouble getting real women, mostly due to the severe acne that didn't go away until I was almost 30.

Don't get me wrong. I'm not thinking about cheating. But the only way I can get off these days is by masturbating to porn videos and movies with huge chested women. The one thing my wife has refused me is to let me watch the porn while having sex with her which I thought might help. But I can understand her point of view I shouldn't need to be looking at other women to get aroused with my wife. We even tried a blindfold - it didn't work because I can feel the difference in her breasts with my hands and mouth and it just really bothers me.

Please, please help me. I love my wife and I don't want to ruin my marriage over this but I haven't been able to get/maintain an erection with my wife since her breast reduction surgery and that was over 8 months ago now. She has been so patient with me and been willing to do all sorts of experimentation to find something that will work for me, but I know she feels bad she's even mentioned wishing she had never had the surgery even though it's made her feel so much better. I feel bad that I can't seem to feel any sexual attraction to her anymore. I'm really worried about what's going to happen to us because I don't think I can permanently maintain a relationship with a woman who no longer sexually arouses me. Not that cheating is likely anyway since most other women don't arouse me either, unless they have huge breasts just like she used to. But I do have to admit the thought of going to one of those exotic dance clubs and getting it on with one of those surgically enhanced strippers entices me more and more every day lately. I can't believe I'm even saying that because it's the last thing I actually want to do. My wife is such a great person and I can't stand the thought of hurting her any more than this situation already is.
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post #2 of 42 (permalink) Old 03-12-2016, 07:50 PM
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Re: Need help - no longer attracted to wife

Quit the porn. If you're going to masturbate, do it without porn. I think this the main problem you are having. You have objectified her body. If you are going to solve this problem, you will have to stop doing that. If you are watching porn, you won't be able to stop objectifying her.

Your Brain On Porn | Evolution has not prepared your brain for today's Internet porn Please go to this site and read the articles. It will help clarify the problem. There is a solution, but you have to be willing to do it.


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post #3 of 42 (permalink) Old 03-12-2016, 08:02 PM
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Re: Need help - no longer attracted to wife

Seems like you have a breast fetish. You don't see your wife (or any woman) as a complete human being, you only see her breasts, at least sexually.

If your fetish is that strong you have 3 choices to satisfy or change/lessen your fetish, leaving your wife, extramarital activity or going to therapy.
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post #4 of 42 (permalink) Old 03-12-2016, 08:02 PM
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Re: Need help - no longer attracted to wife

A 5'3" woman who weighs 110 lbs and has a 40" ribcage? After breast reduction surgery she not only lost 2 cup sizes but also 4" around her rib cage? How? Did the Dr. remove ribs? Back fat?

Please explain.
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post #5 of 42 (permalink) Old 03-12-2016, 08:12 PM
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Re: Need help - no longer attracted to wife

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Originally Posted by IMFarAboveRubies View Post
A 5'3" woman who weighs 110 lbs and has a 40" ribcage? After breast reduction surgery she not only lost 2 cup sizes but also 4" around her rib cage? How? Did the Dr. remove ribs? Back fat?

Please explain.
I suspect OP was exaggerating so that we would all be impressed with the awesomeness of his wife's ex-boobs, and sympathize with the magnitude of his loss.

OP if your wife no longer attracts you and you prefer porn and strippers to her, I suggest you do her a huge favour and leave her. That way you can get what you want and she can find someone who appreciates her.
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post #6 of 42 (permalink) Old 03-12-2016, 08:14 PM Thread Starter
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Sorry. I honestly don't know her exact measurements then or now. She has put on about 50 pounds over the course of our marriage. Can't complain since so have I. All I know is that she used to be built like a porn star (think a short Pamela Anderson) and now she looks like your average 40 year old housewife (cue the wife from Everybody Loves Raymond). And even though I hate myself for it the change is a major turn-off to me.
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post #7 of 42 (permalink) Old 03-12-2016, 08:21 PM Thread Starter
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I DO appreciate her! She saw something in me when no one else did and she helped me become the man I am today. I'm still crazy in love with her. I just don't know what to do with the fact that I can't even get an erection with her anymore. I even talked to a dr about trying Viagra but he said it sounds psychological rather than physical so a drug for ED probably wouldn't help plus I'm in the beginning stages of heart disease (yeah I seriously need to lose some weight) but apparently ED drugs aren't real safe for people with even just the beginnings of coronary artery disease.
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post #8 of 42 (permalink) Old 03-12-2016, 08:21 PM
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Re: Need help - no longer attracted to wife

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Originally Posted by BigRedNerd View Post
Sorry. I honestly don't know her exact measurements then or now. She has put on about 50 pounds over the course of our marriage. Can't complain since so have I. All I know is that she used to be built like a porn star (think a short Pamela Anderson) and now she looks like your average 40 year old housewife (cue the wife from Everybody Loves Raymond). And even though I hate myself for it the change is a major turn-off to me.
See what I mean about porn. You want a porn star. Your wife is not and never was a porn star. Stop getting off by looking at porn stars and start looking into your wife's eyes and enjoying her touch. Otherwise, you may find yourself without a wife.


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post #9 of 42 (permalink) Old 03-12-2016, 08:26 PM
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Re: Need help - no longer attracted to wife

Nonsense.
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post #10 of 42 (permalink) Old 03-12-2016, 08:38 PM
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Re: Need help - no longer attracted to wife

Oh, just grow the **** up.
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post #11 of 42 (permalink) Old 03-12-2016, 08:46 PM Thread Starter
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Excuse me? I came here for help and I'm getting told to grow up? I've been lurking here for several days and finally decided to post because this seems like a pretty decent group and I thought I might actually get some help. I know I have a porn issue. I'm working on it. It's not that easy to give up after almost 30 years. But I don't want to hurt my wife. She's the best thing in my life and she's been really understanding so far. She deserves better than this and I know it. She's honestly the only person who has ever cared about me. I can't bear the thought of losing her. But I can't imagine a life without sex either. One thing I can't see her going for is an open marriage the thought has crossed my mind but she's quite religious and the whole idea would probably freak her out big time.
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post #12 of 42 (permalink) Old 03-12-2016, 08:49 PM
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Re: Need help - no longer attracted to wife

Here's a simple plan:

1. Give up on the porn entirely.
2. Lose the extra weight.

This will get you a lot more interested in your wife. Stopping the porn will eliminate that outlet, and losing weight will increase your testosterone.

Let us know how it works out for you.

Always remember the LD motto: "Sex isn't important!!!"
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post #13 of 42 (permalink) Old 03-12-2016, 09:00 PM Thread Starter
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Trying to lose weight already. So is she. Hard for me because I've really screwed up my body over the years - bad knees and back from football make a lot of exercising really painful. But I've done it before - got down to almost 190 for our wedding only to put it all back on and then some. Right now I'm mostly just walking and watching my diet - my triglyceride number was scary last time around. I also asked my employer for a standing desk - not much room for exercise as a VG developer I'm afraid. I've actually managed to go from my all time high of about 330 down to right around 300 over the past 6 months. Wife is currently at her all time high of about 170 and she's not too happy about it either especially since she just found out she's borderline diabetic. She always gains in the winter but this is the worst it's ever been for her. She's also depressed because she says she lost all that weight from her chest only to put it back in her gut.
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post #14 of 42 (permalink) Old 03-12-2016, 09:01 PM
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Re: Need help - no longer attracted to wife

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One thing I can't see her going for is an open marriage the thought has crossed my mind but she's quite religious and the whole idea would probably freak her out big time.
If this is your go-to fix, then no, you don't appreciate her at all. You just feel some sort of need to keep her on your backburner so that someone somewhere will really appreciate you while you go off with porn stars and strippers.

But eventually, the more you act repulsed by her, the more she will come resent you, and you will no longer feel so appreciated.

Then you both lose, not just her.
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post #15 of 42 (permalink) Old 03-12-2016, 09:16 PM
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I even talked to a dr about trying Viagra but he said it sounds psychological rather than physical so a drug for ED probably wouldn't help
If you have heart disease or something, you need her more than she needs you. You need to fix this. I heard there are penile injections you can get for erections. Maybe those are safe for you. Im no doctor, but you need to see a sexual medicine doctor to get the options.

I've not tried this, but maybe get erect with your porn and use a c-ring to retain the erection for the follow up sex.

Or maybe you need to become a butt man .
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