Younger woman, older man...
 Talk About Marriage
  The Marriage Advice and Relationship Help Forums
  right
Forums - Online Counseling - For Therapists - Link to Us - Advertise  

    A Public Forum Provided by The Family & Marriage Counseling Directory
Register FAQ Community Search Today's Posts Mark Forums Read

Navigation »Talk About Marriage »Focused Topics »Sex in Marriage » Younger woman, older man...

Sex in Marriage Sexual problems are common in many relationships. This section is for discussions about sexuality. Please limit discussions to those asking for help with a problem and those offering advice. Any other threads may be deleted.

Reply
 
LinkBack Thread Tools Search this Thread
Old 09-28-2011, 09:11 AM   #1 (permalink)
Registered User
 
Join Date: Sep 2011
Posts: 4
Default Younger woman, older man...

My husband and I have been married for over 8 years. We really have a wonderful marriage. He is absolutely my best friend and we really enjoy being together. We have a 6 yo daughter and just a really good life together all around.

So what's the problem??? He is several years older than me, will be turning 50 this year. Which doesn't really bother me, but the sexual side of things really gets to me. I am in my early 30s and have a very strong urge for regular sexual contact. I would like it everday. But for several years now, I have to get by on maybe 3-4 times per month.

I try not to take this personally, as he has had some health problems and been on medications that make this difficult for him. But it doesn't help my frustration! We have discussed this a few times, and he insists he is attracted to me and sees no issues. But he gets it whenever he wants it because I feel I am always waiting for him to be wanting me. This constant frustration is maddening! I do not want to ruin an otherwise wonderful marriage over sex, but am so tired of feeling neglected in that area. I watch porn sometimes, and I fantasize about having a purley sexual affair at times, and have actually considered it, but really do not want to ruin this.

I feel doomed to a life of wanting what I can't have. our sexual needs are so different, and don't seem to be getting any better. All of you men dealing with this, I totally understand. Any other women going through this also? Uggghhhhh......
Onyxena is offline   Reply With Quote
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
Old 09-28-2011, 09:41 AM   #2 (permalink)
Banned
 
Join Date: Jun 2010
Posts: 3,243
Default Re: Younger woman, older man...

During your husband's next physical, he should get his testosterone levels checked. Low T can affect libido. Also, some medications, such as anti-depressants, can lower libido. He can ask if there are alternatives without sexual side effects.

However, it is likely that your husband has a normal sex drive for a man his age in his condition. That's just one of the consequences of marriage a man significantly older than you are.

However, you should tell your husband about your frustrations. It's been said that a good compromise leaves everyone unhappy. So you may need to accept sex less than you would like and your husband may need to accept sex more than he would like. Suggest twice a week on a schedule as something that will keep you off of Craigslist. If he knows how unhappy you are, he should try to better meet your needs.
PHTlump is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 09-28-2011, 10:37 AM   #3 (permalink)
Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2011
Posts: 96
Default Re: Younger woman, older man...

Quote:
Originally Posted by Onyxena View Post
So what's the problem??? He is several years older than me, will be turning 50 this year. Which doesn't really bother me, but the sexual side of things really gets to me. I am in my early 30s and have a very strong urge for regular sexual contact. I would like it everday. But for several years now, I have to get by on maybe 3-4 times per month...
Don't take this as defensive...but, it's NOT because he's turning 50. I turned 50 this year...and, my natural desire and performance are stronger than EVER.

Maybe it's the meds, perhaps it's his physical condition, or maybe he's a low-drive partner (like SO MANY of us seem to have)...but, don't default to "age" as the problem.
roymcavoy is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 09-28-2011, 10:45 AM   #4 (permalink)
Banned
 
Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: In an igloo.
Posts: 2,013
Default Re: Younger woman, older man...

I am so sorry that you are going through this. I have some idea of how you feel; my husband is only 8 years my senior and he cannot make love to me every day, like I would like. I get it 3-4 times a week.

Sometimes a significant age difference can cause sexual issues.


If he isn't willing to work on this, you may have a hard time getting your husband to go to the doctor.


Perhaps letting him know that you are frustrated enough to consider an affair, will be a wake up call.
FirstYearDown is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 09-28-2011, 10:46 AM   #5 (permalink)
Member
 
Enchantment's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2011
Posts: 2,354
Default Re: Younger woman, older man...

Low libido in men can have many causes. Here's a list of potentials for you to consider: Solutions for Low Libido in Men

Have you discussed with your husband about your desire for more contact? I think you should be honest with him. Would he be willing to help you out in other ways? You know, vaginal intercourse isn't the only show in town.

Best wishes.
__________________
Enter these enchanted woods, You who dare. ~ George Meredith
Enchantment is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 09-28-2011, 05:27 PM   #6 (permalink)
Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2010
Posts: 4,437
Default Re: Younger woman, older man...

You say your relationship is good but it is not. You seem to be in denial. You are sexually frustrated with a man who appears to be ignoring your reality. Does he know how close he is to losing you? He will lose you if you start an affair with a man your age, have satisfying sex and become emotionally connected. Love of your husband is not enough. Don't you think he deserves to know the trouble the marriage is in so that he has a chance to respond?

This is unfortunately the problem with a union with someone almost 20 yrs older. It looks good when you are in your early 20s and he is 40 something but you don't think of the future with someone so much older until the age disparity becomes more obvious. He will being going through the aging process and diseases that are common for men in their 50, 60, and 70s while you will be at a completely different phase in your life. There are things that he can do. .

Find out as much as you can about his medical problems and treatment. Have him do the work with you. If there are therapies that would have less of an effect on his functioning. Also read about the benefits of exercise on testosterone and sex drive. Have his testosterone level checked. Being weight appropriate and fit are large factors in a man staying sexually active. I also know of studies show a profound positive effect of high quality fish oil at 3000 mg/day.

Discuss the research with each other and find out what he is willing to do.. The combination of strength exercises, diet, cardiovascular conditioning, and appropriate supplements have a profound effect on the aging process for both men and women.

You must be explicite about what is happening with you and what you need him to do. He should want to pull out all the stops to get as fit and healthy as possible if he loves you enough. Please don't hurt him by having an affair. He does not deserve that, if he does not act to better the situation, it would be better to separate and divorce. That ia cleaner and more honest. Next time get a man your age, if it should come to that.
Posted via Mobile Device
Catherine602 is online now   Reply With Quote
Old 09-28-2011, 05:32 PM   #7 (permalink)
Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2010
Posts: 4,437
Default Re: Younger woman, older man...

Vaginal intercourse may not be the only game but a sex life without it has to be unsatisfactory. If you never had vaginal intercourse you have no idea. It would be like telling a man that he should be happy with having the shaft of his junk stimulated and no contact with the tip. Not many men would be willing to make the sacrifice.
Posted via Mobile Device
Catherine602 is online now   Reply With Quote
Old 09-28-2011, 11:39 PM   #8 (permalink)
Member
 
SimplyAmorous's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: USA
Posts: 9,356
Default Re: Younger woman, older man...

You think your sex drive is high now, wait a few years, you may be climbing the walls. There was a time for me where I couldn't even sleep just dreaming about it all night long -so I could jump him in the am. It's a dangerous dangerous place to be if he isn't on board with you and makes this a REAL priority in the marraige.

Is he outright rejecting you or are you just being patient and waiting for him to come to you...and this is what is maddening - you miss HIS desire on his own?

A book like this may help .... Amazon.com: All Night Long: How to Make Love to a Man Over 50 (9781590770276): Barbara Keesling: Books

Is he low energy, falling asleep after work, depressed, trouble with erections? These are signs of Low Testosterone. Thread here : Dealing with Low Testosterone - Hypogonadism

3-4 times a month is very low -even for his age. What meds is he on -can viagra be used? This does not affect desire but if he is feeling pressure to perform, these little blue pills can save the night.

You said you have only talked about this a FEW TIMES. If he is saying he doesn't see a problem, I think you need to get in his face a little more. Seriously, IT IS and will continue to be a PROBLEM, it will grow like a cancer. You will come to RESENT him, a huge division will fall upon you both.

Are you sure he is not masterbating at all? Being the lower drive spouse, this would be a real shame -while you are waiting patiently for him.


My husband couldn't keep up with me for a time, but his motto was ..."So long as he could get it up, he wanted to use it ". With his cheerful attitude , my stepped up seductress behavior- all new to him (new novelty), some split viagra on those slower nights and his desire for the "emotional connection", we weathered this pretty nicely.

Between your husbands willingness to HEAR you, understanding your cravings here, care enough to take action... get tested...take care of his health, focus on pleasure & pleasing, and your gaining some new sexual skills to rock his socks off, think about taking advantage of those early AM hours to arouse him also -men's TEST is higher then = you are more likely to get some! -- you might see some light entering the tunnel.

Give it a go, if he rebuffs, as Catherine said, might be better to cut ties, before you go start raving mad & resentment destroys you & the temptation to fall into the arms of another.
SimplyAmorous is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 09-29-2011, 08:56 AM   #9 (permalink)
Member
 
Jellybeans's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2011
Posts: 16,769
Default Re: Younger woman, older man...

Quote:
Originally Posted by SimplyAmorous View Post
You think your sex drive is high now, wait a few years, you may be climbing the walls. There was a time for me where I couldn't even sleep just dreaming about it all night long -so I could jump him in the am.
Tee hee. At what age did this happen for you? I can't wait!
My drive has been a lot higher lately and if it goes up even higher it is going to be insane.

OP-don't have an affair. Talk to your husband and tell him how much you are thinking about this and considering having an affair to satisfy your needs in taht department. Either he will step up to the plate and compromise or you can decide whether you want to be with someone who won't meet you halfway sexually in the long run. I know a lot of people are all about big age difference but to me, it wouldn't work. I'm thirty and could not at all imagine being married to someone your hubby's age. It seems like we'd have nothing in common.
Jellybeans is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 09-29-2011, 12:46 PM   #10 (permalink)
Registered User
 
Join Date: Sep 2011
Posts: 4
Default Re: Younger woman, older man...

Don't worry no plans for an affair! We are very close, we share everything, and spend alot of time together. We are very affectionate, and have a very close relationship. We have discussed this a few times, and it is largely due to his health issue that his desire has been diminished. he is on meds, and oxygen, which he should be getting off of before too long. So there isn't really alot to do but wait. We do become intimate without intercourese at times.

I just really miss that hot-need-it-now kind of deal! I hate having to wait for so many factors to be right. He seems to be fine overall with less frequency than myself, so that ontop of everything else gets frustrating.

the age difference really isnt an issue aside from this right now. He is in good shape, dresses well, very confident, perfect manners, very classy, treats me wonderfully, is an amazing father to our daughter. He is very fun to be with, he makes me laugh. We love the same music and styles. People are often surprised when they learn his age. We just had this great connection right from the start.

I am in no way looking to leave him! I am not seeking an affair. I just fantasize at times. When he isn't dealing with health problems he is much friskier and I do really enjoy what we share. Just really hope we can get past all this!

Thanks.
Onyxena is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 04-13-2012, 09:31 PM   #11 (permalink)
Registered User
 
Join Date: Apr 2012
Posts: 1
Default Re: Younger woman, older man...

I am a 44 yo female married to a 55yo male who denies that he is having problems with sex. I would lay in bed for months at a time waiting for him to make a move. When he did, it only lasted for 5 minutes if that long. He would say that he knew that i got nothing out of it and i would be silent. I eventually got really bitter. He broke my heart when he told me he cheated. So that is when i decided to do the same. I began to see someone. however, it was not the relationship that i wanted. After all i was still married. What was I thinking ? I have spoken to my husband about my feelings and needing to be wanted. I hope that we can work it out because i am really still very frustrated about this situation.
bistro44 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 04-14-2012, 08:42 AM   #12 (permalink)
Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2012
Posts: 495
Default Re: Younger woman, older man...

I'm sorry you're going through this and I definitely can relate to the insidious way sexual frustration wears on you but 3 to 4 times a month doesn't strike me as obviously problematic considering your husband is 50.

Admittedly my perspective may be a little off since I have had sex once in the last 10 years.
Lionelhutz is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 04-14-2012, 12:10 PM   #13 (permalink)
Registered User
 
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Arkansas
Posts: 23
Default Re: Younger woman, older man...

Is your husband on high blood pressure med's? Those things are killers on sex drive for men. Or in my case, had trouble mantaining an erection. (I am 54) In my case I got in good physical shape and was able to get off med's. And my sex drive is high and no trouble with erections. Regardless, a physical might be in order for your husband. Age itself should not be a problem at 50.
Good luck. A good marraige needs a good sex life between husband and wife.
BTW, if it turns out that physical problems are preventing him from performing and can't be fixed, have a discussion with him. There are other ways to please a wife other than making love to her. I know I would do anything for my wife to please her. Maybe yours will do the same.
Frustrated Man is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 04-15-2012, 05:05 AM   #14 (permalink)
Registered User
 
Join Date: Apr 2012
Posts: 2
Default Re: Younger woman, older man...

Quote:
Originally Posted by Onyxena View Post
My husband and I have been married for over 8 years. We really have a wonderful marriage. He is absolutely my best friend and we really enjoy being together. We have a 6 yo daughter and just a really good life together all around.

So what's the problem??? He is several years older than me, will be turning 50 this year. Which doesn't really bother me, but the sexual side of things really gets to me. I am in my early 30s and have a very strong urge for regular sexual contact. I would like it everday. But for several years now, I have to get by on maybe 3-4 times per month.

I try not to take this personally, as he has had some health problems and been on medications that make this difficult for him. But it doesn't help my frustration! We have discussed this a few times, and he insists he is attracted to me and sees no issues. But he gets it whenever he wants it because I feel I am always waiting for him to be wanting me. This constant frustration is maddening! I do not want to ruin an otherwise wonderful marriage over sex, but am so tired of feeling neglected in that area. I watch porn sometimes, and I fantasize about having a purley sexual affair at times, and have actually considered it, but really do not want to ruin this.

I feel doomed to a life of wanting what I can't have. our sexual needs are so different, and don't seem to be getting any better. All of you men dealing with this, I totally understand. Any other women going through this also? Uggghhhhh......
Hi! I'm 22 and my partner is 37... and yes, we have struggled with these issues also... (I know- they should be begging us, right?!). It is a horrible, almost soul-destroying pain- because anyone OUR ages should rightfully be enjoying sex on a daily basis- but unfortunately, we both fell for older men. Obviously to leave or have an affair is not worth it- but I understand how horrible it feels, seeming almost desperate for their attention.

I do not know what the answer is- for me, it has improved, as my partner has learnt to trust me, and he was also slightly obsessive- compulsive (I think, he denies) but maybe the same is going on with your partner- underlying issues that may need to be addressed? I hope that isn't offensive, by the way, it's not meant to be at all.

Now I just have to deal with being allergic to his semen- not exactly conducive to baby making!

Good luck and let me know how you get on.
Misssmith is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 04-15-2012, 10:05 PM   #15 (permalink)
Registered User
 
Join Date: Apr 2012
Posts: 20
Default Re: Younger woman, older man...

I have to agree with Roy...50 isn't that old. My husband is 55 and is a complete horndog. He had issues a while back and it turned out to be low T. Your hubby should have his checked.
Posted via Mobile Device
BearMoose22 is offline   Reply With Quote
Reply

Thread Tools Search this Thread
Search this Thread:

Advanced Search

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off


Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
Texting a younger woman? kuffy Coping with Infidelity 21 01-19-2012 03:59 PM
What to do about EA with younger woman? InDespair2011 Coping with Infidelity 9 10-26-2011 10:08 AM
Older M / Younger W - Dealingwith Maturity Roseville The Men's Clubhouse 8 05-27-2009 07:12 PM
my man of 20 years is in love with much younger woman daycaremom The Ladies' Lounge 16 09-30-2008 01:59 PM

Member Area

Find a Therapist:


Sponsor Ads





Get The Family & Marriage Counseling Directory Help Guide via Email:
Name:
Email:




All times are GMT -5. The time now is 10:11 PM.



Copyright 2007 - 2013 © Talk About Marriage