Enchantment, thank you for your suggestions, I will keep them in mind. To answer your questions:
I am not on the fence about having kids. I definitely want them, I just want to wait a couple years before having them. Either way, I don't disagree with the fact that she resents this.
Let's rephrase that: you don't
want them. Your words are your words as you have offered them, but what she's hearing from you is the rephrasing I just gave here. Not fair, I know, but there it is.
lovesherman, thank you for suggestions as well, they will help me shape my conversation with my wife. I also think your assumptions are correct. To answer your question:
I have already compromised by a few years on this, and I feel that if I push up my date even more it will have a reverse effect and I will start to resent her for making me have kids before I was ready.
arrrgman - Thank you, the perspective definitely helps. I DO want kids, just not on my wife's personal schedule and have been willing to compromise, but only so far. I feel that asking for ANY compromise on her part has created resentment towards me.
Gonna offer you that rephrase again the way the wife's hearing it: you don't
want kids. I don't care how you phrase it, that's what she is hearing from you.
Her biological drive to have kids being met by "not now" is making her develop very bad feelings toward you which are overriding your biological need for sex. She's displaying contempt for you by refusing you sex because you won't "man up" in her eyes and be a father now.
Regarding compromise, you have already asked her for big time compromises, first by making her wait years for marriage, then by making her wait again for years to have children. No wonder she doesn't feel like more compromise! Do you get that? I think not! You're being very selfish if you don't get that you've already made her compromise a lot to begin with and yet you are still demanding more compromise. She will soon feel she has wasted her best childbearing years on you. Heck I would not be surprised if she already feels that way.
I am not a counselor, but I would strongly suggest that you sh!t or get off the pot. In other words, be a father or leave the marriage while she is young enough to get another man to give her babies. Don't just sit there and fart for our entertainment: you'll only succeed in earning more of her contempt.
Now part of the deal, of course, is to let her know that in return for satisfying her need to have babies, you expect your need for sex to be satisfied more often. But that may fail down the road as the precedent has been set by which she can manipulate you into her favored outcomes by withholding sex. Frankly my good friend, I wish you well, but I am not optimistic considering your possible resentment over "her schedule". Which you've already pushed back on for years now.
By the way, what's your schedule?