09-28-2011, 04:32 PM
Join Date: Sep 2009
Im taking the plunge.....
I just logged back on here from a Looooong break. Brief history is husband wants sex less than I do (or used to), we had alot before marriage, then almost cut off after for a variety of reasons from him. He wanted a divorce bc he was so tired of me talking about sex, not talking about sex, whatever I tried or avoided. SO I went into counseling for over a year and realized, any response I gave to him would be turned around and used against me bc that is how he is. So, my therapist helped me grieve the loss of my hopes for this marriage, understand what I was dealing with and how to be able to focus on myself (previously I thought it was selfish if I focused on myself). Turning 40 helped, but the pill made me an emotionally void, sexually uninterested shell of the person I used to be. Husband did not really want a divorce but was just finding and using anything that would upset me bc that is what he does. Therapist taught me to brush off any and all comments as they were not really meant to hurt me, they were used to try to provoke me so that I could respond with any form of upset and give my husband the scenario to say "see you are the psycho" "You are the one out of control" bc he was feeling this way inside but couldnt face it on the surface.... I then understood that he needed to push me away (its this I hate you dont leave me tug of war), to test if I was really going to stay with the awful person his inner self thinks he is. All he really wants is to know that someone loves him unconditionally, and sex was not about connection that 2 people participate in it was about 1 person having a need... I was an object. See I have been super busy with this, and it is turning out good...whew.
SO I was taught techniques to deflect like "ok, let me know" "Oh honey, you dont really mean that" or a few other things until they decreased enough that we could actually have good times again.
Once I realized that the intention was not to hurt me to make me act in a way that was undesirable in response, I was able to mostly stay calmer and the resentment is fading.
I actually began not wanting to have sex with him while on BCP and didnt realize until I stopped taking it that it was not the pill causing the reduced desire for him, but my own decreased interest in him as a person bc of all that I learned. So we have been on a sex break bc he was still saying no to any advance I would make for affection (kisses) or sex, I could not bear him having sex once more when he wanted it while Im still turned down.
However, while he still says no to sex and kisses from me, he actually cuddles up to me each night, he is trying to greet me with nice hello's at the end of the day and send me a nice note during the day... quick text... (things I have requested since he stopped doing them naturally on his own). It was not meant to go on this long and Im taking the plunge. If I wait any longer Im afraid I wont want it anymore, bc I will be so conflicted about it. I know that the best way to get back into it is to just do it. He said to me if I go down on him he wont say no... so get ready and buckle up, Im going down!!!
I will let you know soon if my going down is accepted or rejected....wish me luck!