Wife never makes the first move
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Sex in Marriage Sexual problems are common in many relationships. This section is for discussions about sexuality. Please limit discussions to those asking for help with a problem and those offering advice. Any other threads may be deleted.

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Old 09-28-2011, 10:49 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Default Wife never makes the first move

Okay, I've been married for 19 years and out of those 19 years, my wife only made the first move ONCE. She never and I mean NEVER makes the first move.
I mean, don't get me wrong, if I make the first move sex is gonna happen 9 out of 10 times, so I don't worry about getting rejected. It's just she never makes a move...

A couple of years back I did an experiment. I told myself that I wasn't going to make a move and I was going to wait until she wanted it............I waited for 2 months until I couldn't take it anymore and I made the first move.

Now, I have talked to her about this. And she says that she doesn't feel right making the first move. She's not comfortable with it. I guess she likes to be dominated. I told her I understood, but she has to realise that a man wants to feel desired and wanted too. A guy wants his bones jumped once in a while. She always tells me that she'll start making an effort......guess what?

I still have to make the first move....grrrr.....

Any idea's folks?
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Old 09-28-2011, 10:51 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife never makes the first move

Be thankful your wife still beds ya

Who cares who makes the first move? She obviously is turned on when you do it...
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Old 09-29-2011, 04:10 AM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife never makes the first move

Hi Crossbar,

I understand that's frustrating. I'm on the other side, I only really get to have relations when the wife initiates (I keep fighting the good fight though).

Have you tried roll playing or anything like that? In that case, you could initiate the act, then let her play the lead the rest of the way.

By the way, congrats on your 90% success rate. I'm batting about .111
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Old 09-29-2011, 07:25 AM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife never makes the first move

Does your wife realize that this really isn't about sex? It's about your perception of how she feels about you.

If you are like me, physical touch and sex are ways of expressing and receiving affection, worth and love. Words are nice, but physical actions are much more effective in communicating the message.

It's almost like giving someone gifts over the course of a friendship, and they're very polite and appreciative yet never give you one in return. Eventually you begin to wonder if they feel the same way you do.
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Old 09-29-2011, 08:45 AM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife never makes the first move

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Originally Posted by Voyager View Post
Does your wife realize that this really isn't about sex? It's about your perception of how she feels about you.

If you are like me, physical touch and sex are ways of expressing and receiving affection, worth and love. Words are nice, but physical actions are much more effective in communicating the message.

It's almost like giving someone gifts over the course of a friendship, and they're very polite and appreciative yet never give you one in return. Eventually you begin to wonder if they feel the same way you do.


This is likely one big reason she doesn't initiate. She may not associate initiating with an expression of affection, appreciation, desire for you. She doesn't understand that kind of need yet. The gift analogy is spot on - you might be able to use that analogy sometime when you try to explain your feelings about this to her - and it would be more likely to have impact on her if you explained those feelings rather than just saying -" I want you to initiate."

But there could be other reasons she has problems too - women are naturally more responders/receivers that initiators. They are more 'wired' to be that way physically (the act of sexual intercourse is one where a woman receives another into her body), and they are also more socialized to be that way. It can be a long hill to climb to get over those obstacles for many women. So, like she needs to understand your feelings on why this is important, you need to start to understand what her feelings may be on this as well.

What to do? Keep initiating - be enthusiastic when she does make subtle moves - try and gently put a bug in her ear about why initiating is more than just about sex, and hope that in time she will be comfortable and trusting enough to open up that way, and that she will see it as a beautiful gift that she can give to you.

Watch her moves carefully, as well - she could be making subtle hints to you that you may be missing. For many women it is uncomfortable for them to be overt in initiating. She may actually be doing what she thinks is initiating and you may be missing it. So pay attention to her.

Don't pressure her. Try and understand the mountain she may have to climb to get to this point of initiating, and just give her an easy, trusting environment that will be conducive to that. After all - the greatest gifts are those that are given freely.

Best wishes.
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Old 09-29-2011, 08:52 AM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife never makes the first move

At least your wife responds to your move. Trust me. You are blessed. Things could be (and may someday become) worse. As long as you're being well fed, do you really care who rings the dinner bell?
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Old 09-29-2011, 10:47 AM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife never makes the first move

Thanks folks...Yeah, I understand what you guys are saying and I'm happy that I'm certain that I can "get some"... But, there's also a part of me that wants to know that I'm sexually desired by my wife. I mean, sometimes it feels like she's just going through the motions just to satisify me. " Oh, he needs some? Okay, let's get this over with." I'm probably way off the mark, but when you start to feel undesired by your wife, you start thinking like this.
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Old 09-29-2011, 01:11 PM   #8 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife never makes the first move

I am in the same boat. Been married 14 years and been with her 20. When we were younger she would pull it out and go for it.

Time goes by and she hasn't initiated in years. Like 13. I don't know what happened. We have talked about it and she doesn't have an answer either. I always get "I will try harder" and it never happens.

I tried explaining to her it is more to it then sex. I want that feeling she desires to be with me and she thinks about it like I do her. Funny thing is we just had a talk about this 2 or 3 weeks ago and already things are almost back to the way they always are. I tell her I am wanting her early in the day to get her thoughts going. A few intimate touches during the day and so on. We get into bed, I am ready to go and she curls up and falls asleep before we even have a chance to get going.

I am at a loss as well.
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Old 09-29-2011, 01:48 PM   #9 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife never makes the first move

they are just selfish and refuse to go outside of their comfort zone for the happiness of their husbands.


if you lovingly comunicated that you would like her to initiate more and it fell on deaf ears. Then she is selfish or imature how often do you go outside your comfort zone for her?
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Old 09-29-2011, 01:49 PM   #10 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife never makes the first move

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Originally Posted by unbelievable View Post
At least your wife responds to your move. Trust me. You are blessed. Things could be (and may someday become) worse. As long as you're being well fed, do you really care who rings the dinner bell?
It starts to feel like your begging to be fed after awhile/
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Old 09-29-2011, 03:30 PM   #11 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife never makes the first move

I don't think that it's right to make a blanket assumption about what is going on with a woman who doesn't initiate. There's a whole *interaction* going on between the husband and wife here. You know - two people involved.

So, crossbar - think of it like this. See if you can wrap your head around this - because if you can you may start to gain a better understanding of where your wife may be at and look at it from a different perspective for a bit.

For a man, sex can encompass a spectrum of needs - the lowest level is a primal physical need - the need to 'get off' or for relief.

There's another level above that where it then becomes a more emotional need - it's not just to 'get off' but a way to please your partner and feel confident and desired as a man.

There's another level above that where it becomes a relational need - intimacy, trust, and bonding happen with your partner.

There's yet another level where it can become more than any of those things altogether at a spiritual level.

So. Where on this spectrum do you think your wife lies in her understanding of what sex means to you?

Yah - she seems to be on the first level - she understands your PHYSICAL need for sex, but does not yet understand how that relates to your other needs - the emotional/relational/spiritual needs.

In one way, you ARE lucky. There are many men on the forum whose wives stepped onto that first level and have stepped back off. Your wife has stepped on and has stayed on.

She is RIPE for you to create the kind of caring, trusting, loving environment needed for her to be able to move to the next level, but she will need HELP from YOU. She will NOT be able to do it all on her own. Believe me, a wife needs help and guidance and reassurance from her husband to get to that next level. It does not just always 'come naturally'.

Are you up for the task?
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Old 09-29-2011, 03:53 PM   #12 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife never makes the first move

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Originally Posted by Brian. View Post
It's easy for women to say that when you never actually have to initiate.

For comparison, what if you always had to initiate every hug and kiss(or whatever)? And that your husband never gave you a hug and kissed you first?
We initiate equally.

I can see what you're saying.

However, some women are really raised to think that men are the conquerers and women are the submissives.

It's hard to clean a brainwashed mind.
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Old 09-29-2011, 03:54 PM   #13 (permalink)
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If a wife is only starting to initiate because you asked her to start initiating, it kinda looses it's purpose anyway because she is not initiating because she wants sex but because you asked her for it.

So it's not really "real".
Then wtf is supposed to happen?

If there is a problem in a marriage and it gets addressed, the other person will hopefully START doing what their spouse feels then need to be done.

"real" or not, doesn't matter...to me, it's the effort that counts.
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Old 09-29-2011, 03:55 PM   #14 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife never makes the first move

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Originally Posted by crossbar View Post
Thanks folks...Yeah, I understand what you guys are saying and I'm happy that I'm certain that I can "get some"... But, there's also a part of me that wants to know that I'm sexually desired by my wife. I mean, sometimes it feels like she's just going through the motions just to satisify me. " Oh, he needs some? Okay, let's get this over with." I'm probably way off the mark, but when you start to feel undesired by your wife, you start thinking like this.
When I felt this way about my husband, it was because he was pulling away from me and i felt the distance.
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Old 09-29-2011, 04:39 PM   #15 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife never makes the first move

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Originally Posted by Enchantment View Post
I don't think that it's right to make a blanket assumption about what is going on with a woman who doesn't initiate. There's a whole *interaction* going on between the husband and wife here. You know - two people involved.

So, crossbar - think of it like this. See if you can wrap your head around this - because if you can you may start to gain a better understanding of where your wife may be at and look at it from a different perspective for a bit.

For a man, sex can encompass a spectrum of needs - the lowest level is a primal physical need - the need to 'get off' or for relief.

There's another level above that where it then becomes a more emotional need - it's not just to 'get off' but a way to please your partner and feel confident and desired as a man.

There's another level above that where it becomes a relational need - intimacy, trust, and bonding happen with your partner.

There's yet another level where it can become more than any of those things altogether at a spiritual level.

So. Where on this spectrum do you think your wife lies in her understanding of what sex means to you?

Yah - she seems to be on the first level - she understands your PHYSICAL need for sex, but does not yet understand how that relates to your other needs - the emotional/relational/spiritual needs.

In one way, you ARE lucky. There are many men on the forum whose wives stepped onto that first level and have stepped back off. Your wife has stepped on and has stayed on.

She is RIPE for you to create the kind of caring, trusting, loving environment needed for her to be able to move to the next level, but she will need HELP from YOU. She will NOT be able to do it all on her own. Believe me, a wife needs help and guidance and reassurance from her husband to get to that next level. It does not just always 'come naturally'.

Are you up for the task?
At this point, I'm up for anything. I mean, don't get me wrong. I love my wife and I know that she loves me (I just wish she'd show me instead of tell me.) You don't get to 19 years and NOT feel something for your partner. We talk lovingly to each other. I'll send her flowers for no other reason, other than because it's wednesday.....

So, hit me! What do I need to do?
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