Delayed ejaculation
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Sex in Marriage Sexual problems are common in many relationships. This section is for discussions about sexuality. Please limit discussions to those asking for help with a problem and those offering advice. Any other threads may be deleted.

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Old 10-01-2011, 06:55 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Default Delayed ejaculation

I am in my mid fifties and have struggled for decades with delayed ejaculation problems. It started during our wedding night 30 years ago and has gotten somewhat better then worse; a single 'failure' signals the beginning of extended periods where fear of failure takes the fun right out of it. Doctors usually are surprised because I have excellent strong and long lasting erections. No physical illness/injury/non-smoker/non-drinker.

My father had this problem also, I have learned.

We have tried endless counselling and this has effectively addressed the relationship harm resulting from my condition, so that we continue to be together and dedicated to each other. Neither one of us has real sexual experience outside our marriage.

When i was 16 I had a girlfriend who was sexually very active and she tried giving me oral sex on many occasions including the apartment elevator. It never worked, but I also didn't find her very sexy. She was not my type and I think I held myself back.

My wife is very sexy and very playful, attractive and sporty. She virtually always feels like having sex.

I have been thinking of looking for a sex surrogate, to teach me and coach me while having real sex. This would be a violation of our principles.

Oral sex works to some degree. She starts the normal way, then, after a while I take over by masturbating while she performs oral sex. This often works but I regularly need to spice it up by telling some sexual fantasy while we are doing this.

My wife is sometimes very tired of the stupid fantasies and the fact that even when we are 'hot' I still need all of that to get to an orgasm. Simply put: it is a LOT of work!

Is there anyone out there who has similar problems, and , if so, have you had any success with therapy or medication or?

I have tried Cialis as it apparently increases sensitivity (as well as erection) but even with a partial pill the erection is so rock hard that I can't feel much anymore.

I am partly circumcized (in case this makes a difference; I am not sure).

Anyone out there, male or female who has (had) this problem or who has a partner who has this problem?
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Old 10-01-2011, 07:22 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: Delayed ejaculation

So I'll be open here... I'm 44, recently separated, and I've been seeing my GF for about 8 months now. In my marriage, when we had sex, things happened in what I would consider a "normal" time frame. Sometimes even quicker than I'd like. Oral wasn't really on the menu back then, so I can't really compare.

With my GF, I would consider myself to be "delayed". A quickie for us is an hour. She's very receptive to performing oral, even asking for it, but it's very rare for me to finish that way. I've tried cialis, but all that means is an erection... Not an orgasm. Which still makes for a great time; it doesn't bother me much if I don't have an orgasm occasionally. And she hasn't complained about the amount of "work" it takes for us to get me there, as I do most of it anyway.

I'll also add that my GF is much more sexual, more beautiful, and "feels better" than my ex. No offense intended, but there's just no comparison.

One thing I have found that makes a huge difference to me is prostrate stimulation. Not meaning to get too graphic, but as an example... This morning, we had wild monkey sex in a hotel. Incredible, everyone had a great time. Took me awhile, but that was normal. We did some other stuff for awhile, and ended up going again. 2 a day for me is rare, but I'm always up for giving her one anytime, any place. Eventually though, it became pretty obvious that it wasn't going to happen a secind time for me, at least not without some assistance. So I grabbed the toy we purchased for this purpose, and within about 10 minutes, the desired result was achieved. Which would be super-fast for me anyway, much less for a second time.

Anyway, something to consider, and I'm looking forward to more input from the group.

C
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Old 10-01-2011, 07:24 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: Delayed ejaculation

I'm not sure if you call my deal delayed ejaculation or not, but it does take me a long time to finish. We men have been told time and time again that a woman wants a lover that will last. And I guess when we're young, that may be true to some extent.
So for the past 28 years, I taught myself how to last as long as possible.
A few years ago when my wife and I had a bunch of marital problems, this came to light. To put it simply, she told me that I was killing her. I am big and I can go for too long. She would get so sore that she couldn't make love to me sometimes for two days. It shocked me a little.
Now, I try to get myself worked up beforehand by fantasy and sometimes I'll look at some porn right before.
After she is done, I turn on the fantasies in my head. She knows that I fantasize and I have told her that I only fantasize about her, which is true. She doesn't ask what my fantasies are and I don't offer. If she wanted to know, I'd tell her, though.
All I can offer is to try and get yourself worked up early and hope for the best.
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Old 10-03-2011, 06:43 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: Delayed ejaculation

I have tried this and sometimes it does work to a degree. The trouble with porn though is that it easily takes on a life of its own; one has to be careful with it.

I have lots of digital photos of my wife; nude and/or sensual or sexy and viewing those before having sex does help, again to a degree.

What I can't understand is that something that feels so good and that is done with the woman I love comes to a plateau beyond which I can't go without lots of manual stimulation. I love my wife; she is happy, playful and creative and virtually always enthusiastic about making love.
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Old 10-03-2011, 06:52 PM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: Delayed ejaculation

In my 60's now and recently started having delay issues. It seems my refractory (or regeneration) time is now 2 or 3 days. I just reach a plateau and know I won't make climax.
very frustrating. i'm going to try p-spot stimulation to see if that helps. at least while I still have a prostate. That will be removed due to cancer shortly.
Curiously, the urologist says cancer is not a cause of delay.... but age is.
Now after prostate removal,I'll have to figure out what the mythical 'dry orgasm'. If it were possible, I would think I could do it now...
Porn surfing sometimes helps to get the juices flowing...
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Old 10-08-2011, 11:15 PM   #6 (permalink)
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Code7600, are you aware of the benefits of hyperthermia cancer treatment? It is worth reading about.
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Old 10-09-2011, 12:19 AM   #7 (permalink)
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Code 7600: Not meaning to be off-subject here, but does your screen name come from the airplane transponder code for "no communications?"
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Old 10-09-2011, 12:35 AM   #8 (permalink)
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Default Re: Delayed ejaculation

my hubby has a similar issues sometimes, he has siezures so i'm not sure if it's from that or his medications. haven't figured out how to fix it yet, since it's not an issue it's not much of a big deal for us, but it does sometimes mean he just doesn't get to finish- 2 hrs and still going is a bit much for me lol!
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Old 10-09-2011, 10:06 AM   #9 (permalink)
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2 hours and stil going...? You are married to Superman! When this happens, have you tried an oral/masturbation combo? It gives the man a sense of control (which we need when we can't finish) and he can watch the woman and feel her at the same time. This always works for us when everything else fails.
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Old 10-16-2011, 07:04 PM   #10 (permalink)
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Yes and I realize that this is a factor. I am cut back a bit and the top one third of the head sticks out. There is no doubt in my mind that I would have more sensitivity if the entire foreskin would still be attached.
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Old 11-05-2011, 11:07 PM   #11 (permalink)
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My husband is going through the exact same thing. After reading this thread, I do believe it's a combination of his age(53) and being circumcised. PLUS medications. We have not had sex for over 3 months. And i believe it's due to this problem. I think he feels as though he's lost his 'manliness'. When we did have sex, he'd get so frustrated with himself, he'd give up. I wish he was more open to the prostate technique, but whenever it is mentioned, he gets a very scowl look and says 'no way'. I think he's afraid it's gonna feel like a prostate exam, and won't even attempt it. This is frustrating for me, because I desperately want to have sex with him, but I'm afraid he will feel even more 'less of a husband' if he can't perform like he thinks his younger wife(37) deserves. So, now, I feel like I might pressure him if I initiate it, and when he doesn't initiate it, I feel like he has just given up. :'(
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Old 12-01-2011, 06:28 PM   #12 (permalink)
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Default Re: Delayed ejaculation

Quote:
Originally Posted by hurtnohio View Post
Code 7600: Not meaning to be off-subject here, but does your screen name come from the airplane transponder code for "no communications?"
Yes, you get the prize. I figured some pilot would get it.
My sig (once I have enough entries) will be

~~~~~~
"What we have here is a failure to communicate." The Captain

I usually try to type it manually. The quote summarizes my
root cause of relationship issues.
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Old 12-10-2011, 09:40 PM   #13 (permalink)
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Default Re: Delayed ejaculation

Inhibited Ejaculation can be caused by a less than optimal level of sexual desire. Often there is enough desire for an erection but not for ejaculation. The penis may feel "numb" during intercourse. The reasons for the desire deficit can be anything from intimacy or performance anxiety to low self esteem, to a lack of sexual attraction to the partner.

In the last few years Sex Therapists have been noticing another cause of the inability to ejaculate with a partner and that is something called "masturbation and porn conditioning" This is being seen in younger and younger men. Men who have grown up masturbating to hard core porn on the internet sometimes for years before they actually have sex with a real live partner. When they do find a sexual partner the experience of intercourse and oral sex is so different from what they are used to reaching orgasm by their own hand watching a favorite porn fantasy, that they get anxious, the penis feels numb and they can't cum with the partner. Sometimes the anxiety can be so bad it causes them to lose their erection too, often right in the middle of intercourse.

All these men can easily reach orgasm when masturbating alone.
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Old 12-10-2011, 11:10 PM   #14 (permalink)
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Default Re: Delayed ejaculation

Delayed Ejaculation and failure to achieve ejaculation (numb penis) is often a side affect of some antidepressants. Elevil, Paxil. Prozak, Lexapro, Cymbalta. Drug co's do not publicize this very much.
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Old 12-11-2011, 12:39 AM   #15 (permalink)
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Originally Posted by DoRight View Post
Delayed Ejaculation and failure to achieve ejaculation (numb penis) is often a side affect of some antidepressants. Elevil, Paxil. Prozak, Lexapro, Cymbalta. Drug co's do not publicize this very much.
Yes absolutely correct. The SSRI antidepressants do cause inhibited ejaculation in men and inhibited orgasm in women. As a matter of fact SSRI's (in low doses) are given to men (off label) with premature ejaculation to lengthen the time between insertion and ejaculation. For everyone else (ie: the depressed) this side effect can be a deal breaker because some men would rather remain depressed or anxious and at least be able to masturbate alone rather than having their sex drive and ability to ejaculate completely negated by the drug.

In a final irony, as I mentioned in the other post, inhibited ejaculation is often caused by some types of anxiety and the suggested treatment for anxiety are the SSRI antidepressants. Men with anxiety induced inhibited ejaculation have no medication they can take because the recommended meds have the side effect of creating the exact problem the man is trying to fix by taking them.

I've suffered with this for 40 years, ever since I first started having sex as a teenager. The prognosis is grim as the anxiety that causes the problem is extremely hard to diagnose and treat, especially if it is part of a Generalized Anxiety Disorder or intimacy anxiety and Attachment Disorders caused by childhood trauma.

One small piece of good news for those who suffer with IE is that much more is known about what causes it now than even ten years ago when I started researching it. Back then they were saying it was caused by religious scruples and a subconscious hatred of women, neither of which applies to me or to the majority of men with this horrible sexual dysfunction.

Last edited by Mr B; 12-11-2011 at 01:04 AM.
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