No sex during or after pregnancy (18 months total) - Page 10
 Talk About Marriage
  The Marriage Advice and Relationship Help Forums
  right
Forums - For Therapists - Link to Us - Advertise  

    A Public Forum Provided by The Family & Marriage Counseling Directory
Register FAQ Community Search Today's Posts Mark Forums Read

Navigation »Talk About Marriage »Focused Topics »Sex in Marriage » No sex during or after pregnancy (18 months total)

Sex in Marriage Sexual problems are common in many relationships. This section is for discussions about sexuality. Please limit discussions to those asking for help with a problem and those offering advice. Any other threads may be deleted.

Reply
 
LinkBack Thread Tools Search this Thread
Old 10-18-2011, 01:22 AM   #136 (permalink)
Member
 
RandomDude's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2010
Posts: 8,090
Default Re: No sex during or after pregnancy (18 months total)

Quote:
Originally Posted by JoeHenderson View Post
Well, I felt defeated. I didn't say anything because of feeling hurt and surprised by the comment.
I don't see how one is exactly selfish by making her feel good - considering what you gave her is not exactly sexual, I would have told her that, and clarify with her that it's not about the sex; you just want to show your love for her.

I wouldn't have allowed her to accuse me like that, but if she rejects even that then it's a bit more complex. Looks like she doesn't even want affection, let alone give you the opportunity to get her in the mood.
RandomDude is offline   Reply With Quote
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
Old 10-18-2011, 08:20 AM   #137 (permalink)
Member
 
Enchantment's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2011
Posts: 2,351
Default Re: No sex during or after pregnancy (18 months total)

Joe ~

I don't have a good view into your wife - like whether she's ever been very sexual, or reasons/insights into why she feels more like a vessel for your child than anything else. What kind of upbringing and background does she have? Does she have a repressive religious or moral background? Did she have other partners before you? Does she have any abuse or negative sexual experiences in her past?

I understand that you are discouraged. But, most things take some time to turn around, and you have to try and stay the course. You should be continurously trying to map out a strategy for the best way forward.

You said that you are going to counseling, which I think is great. Reason why your wife isn't? I think she needs it - maybe even with a sex therapist - a counselor who specializes in sexual issues. I know that you can't get her to go see a counselor unless she wants to do it, but you can continue to frame the issue in terms of your marriage overall - as in, this isn't just about you, but is about the health and longevity of your marriage TOGETHER and ultimately, the health and longevity of your FAMILY. Without a healthy marriage, you will not have a healthy family life - which isn't good for the baby you two just brought in to the world. Maybe if she can start to think about and understand THAT, you will see some traction.

God Bless.
__________________
Enter these enchanted woods, You who dare. ~ George Meredith

Last edited by Enchantment; 10-18-2011 at 08:26 AM.
Enchantment is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 10-19-2011, 03:01 PM   #138 (permalink)
Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2011
Posts: 238
Default Re: No sex during or after pregnancy (18 months total)

Quote:
Originally Posted by Enchantment View Post
Joe ~

I don't have a good view into your wife - like whether she's ever been very sexual, or reasons/insights into why she feels more like a vessel for your child than anything else. What kind of upbringing and background does she have? Does she have a repressive religious or moral background? Did she have other partners before you? Does she have any abuse or negative sexual experiences in her past?

I understand that you are discouraged. But, most things take some time to turn around, and you have to try and stay the course. You should be continurously trying to map out a strategy for the best way forward.

You said that you are going to counseling, which I think is great. Reason why your wife isn't? I think she needs it - maybe even with a sex therapist - a counselor who specializes in sexual issues. I know that you can't get her to go see a counselor unless she wants to do it, but you can continue to frame the issue in terms of your marriage overall - as in, this isn't just about you, but is about the health and longevity of your marriage TOGETHER and ultimately, the health and longevity of your FAMILY. Without a healthy marriage, you will not have a healthy family life - which isn't good for the baby you two just brought in to the world. Maybe if she can start to think about and understand THAT, you will see some traction.

God Bless.
Thanks for the support, Enchantment.

To answer your questions, she doesn't come from a restrictive moral/religious background. We've had good sex in the past. She's prided herself in being a passionate Scorpio.

She's had boyfriends before me, but stated that she was a virgin because she wasn't ready with previous partners or knew they weren't the one. We had premarital sex.

Regarding trauma, she's had guys rub up against her in the club.

She says her body feels different and can't see herself having two identities, mother and sexual woman. She's also said that holding our baby fulfills her emotional needs.

I wanted to initiate another conversation last night, but am worried about pressing the issue. I also don't want to let too much time pass. I can't seem to express to her that it's for the good of the marriage for us to become physically intimate. I start the conversation, but kind of shut down when she tells me that she only needs time, not me trying to help her feel like a woman.
JoeHenderson is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 10-19-2011, 09:39 PM   #139 (permalink)
Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2011
Posts: 4,575
Default Re: No sex during or after pregnancy (18 months total)

Quote:
Originally Posted by JoeHenderson View Post
Thanks for the support, Enchantment.

To answer your questions, she doesn't come from a restrictive moral/religious background. We've had good sex in the past. She's prided herself in being a passionate Scorpio.

She's had boyfriends before me, but stated that she was a virgin because she wasn't ready with previous partners or knew they weren't the one. We had premarital sex.

Regarding trauma, she's had guys rub up against her in the club.

She says her body feels different and can't see herself having two identities, mother and sexual woman. She's also said that holding our baby fulfills her emotional needs.

I wanted to initiate another conversation last night, but am worried about pressing the issue. I also don't want to let too much time pass. I can't seem to express to her that it's for the good of the marriage for us to become physically intimate. I start the conversation, but kind of shut down when she tells me that she only needs time, not me trying to help her feel like a woman.
I am sorry, but why are you worried about pressing the issue? What is she going to do, get mad and deny you sex?

I am really at a loss as to why you need to remain patient and continue to be her servent while she basks in her roles as the maternal goddess. She has clearly told you that apart from your paycheck, she does not need you. What exactly are you getting out of this relationship other than a full time nanny for your child?
Tall Average Guy is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 10-20-2011, 10:38 AM   #140 (permalink)
Member
 
Entropy3000's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2011
Location: In Love
Posts: 9,758
Default Re: No sex during or after pregnancy (18 months total)

Quote:
Originally Posted by Tall Average Guy View Post
I am sorry, but why are you worried about pressing the issue? What is she going to do, get mad and deny you sex?

I am really at a loss as to why you need to remain patient and continue to be her servent while she basks in her roles as the maternal goddess. She has clearly told you that apart from your paycheck, she does not need you. What exactly are you getting out of this relationship other than a full time nanny for your child?
Catch 22. I get he wants to be caring and all of that, but it is a bit submissive to be afraid to discuss this with her. That is not attractive and makes the problem worse.

I have yet to see a reply as to why he does not insist she see a doctor. her just saying she does not think it is worth doing minimizes this and kind of infers a power struggle.

Last edited by Entropy3000; 10-20-2011 at 11:00 AM.
Entropy3000 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 10-20-2011, 11:35 AM   #141 (permalink)
Member
 
Zzyzx's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Shangri La
Posts: 154
Default Re: No sex during or after pregnancy (18 months total)

Quote:
Originally Posted by JoeHenderson View Post
Thanks for the support, Enchantment.

To answer your questions, she doesn't come from a restrictive moral/religious background. We've had good sex in the past. She's prided herself in being a passionate Scorpio.

She's had boyfriends before me, but stated that she was a virgin because she wasn't ready with previous partners or knew they weren't the one. We had premarital sex.

Regarding trauma, she's had guys rub up against her in the club.

She says her body feels different and can't see herself having two identities, mother and sexual woman. She's also said that holding our baby fulfills her emotional needs.

I wanted to initiate another conversation last night, but am worried about pressing the issue. I also don't want to let too much time pass. I can't seem to express to her that it's for the good of the marriage for us to become physically intimate. I start the conversation, but kind of shut down when she tells me that she only needs time, not me trying to help her feel like a woman.
If you talk about it, the worse that can happen is you won't get sex. But wait, aren't you already not getting it? When was the last time you got any? You told us in your thread title. So really, how can really talking about it, getting it all into the open with your feelings known to her, how can that make it worse in terms of not getting any? You are already living the worst it can get. You can only go up from here. Or not. Your choice.

Let's look at it from the other direction: not talking about it will only make it worse for you, you will really start building up the resentment toward her and that resentment will show up in other areas of your marriage. She will pick up on that resentment and bat it back at you. Downward spiral, anyone?

If it turns out that deep down, she has built up resentment for you, hey that's better than nothing, she's given you something to work with.
__________________
If you don't know me by now
You will never never never know me

Last edited by Zzyzx; 10-20-2011 at 11:39 AM.
Zzyzx is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 10-21-2011, 12:09 AM   #142 (permalink)
Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2011
Posts: 238
Default Re: No sex during or after pregnancy (18 months total)

HI there,

So I had a talk with my wife this evening. I expressed to her my concerns that there's been no sexual contact. I told her that I missed the connection and wanted to work toward having sexual touch in our relationship. I said I wanted to help her feel like a woman and didn't want to passively wait for it to happen. I also said we should see a dr to rule out any medical issues. I said being sexual was an important part of our marriage and a way to express my love.


She said that sexual touch feels weird hormonally and that it was common to not want to have sex for a year after the baby. She said she knew of wives having sex without having the urge and that she didn't want to do that. She said that she would like for me to kiss her on the cheek and hi pug her. She said that I still feel like her hubby and not a friend, that she is attracted to me, but doesn't feel ready to give much of herself to me cuz she Is focused on the baby. She mentioned that her mother warned her about this and that marriages end cuz of lack of sex. She didn't think the dr was necessary, but suggested that we go on dates on our own in a month and believes that sex will come back in a few months. She said she felt guilty for not having sex and thinks about it a lot but can only feel like a mother right now. She doesn't think I'm selfish but feels bad that I push the issue and try to touch her sexually.

I'm till trying to absorb the conversation and understand how I feel about it.
Posted via Mobile Device
JoeHenderson is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 10-21-2011, 12:26 AM   #143 (permalink)
Member
 
Entropy3000's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2011
Location: In Love
Posts: 9,758
Default Re: No sex during or after pregnancy (18 months total)

Quote:
She didn't think the dr was necessary,
Why is she afraid to go to the doctor? We keep hearing she does not think it is needed. This is not an important enough problem to waste time visiting a doctor.

It is scary that she throws out a year after the baby. So maybe you get sex one more time and then she is pregnant again. There is another 21 months.

She is being very rational here and putting your needs off completely. She does not want to have sex anyway for your sake. Wow. Would you have married her if you knew this?

Again I am going to cimmit heresy here. Spouses should be each others number one priority. Not their kids. I am not talking about neglecting basic needs. I forget. Does she work? If not she is totally 100% going to nurture the child and everything else in the universe can go jump. You know I have seen some very obsessive moms and their kids grow up very screwed up if it goes on for long. Hopefully she will stop breastfeeding before they go to school.

Again, just a word of warning that at some point don't be surprised when you are not looking sometime in the next year if she starts finding other guys just a bit attractive. You will not look attractive because she will see you as not being agressive enough. If she starts going to the gym, to get back into shape after having the baby just make sure she does not get a male personal trainer. Seriously.

Insist she see a doctor.

Last edited by Entropy3000; 10-21-2011 at 12:33 AM.
Entropy3000 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 10-21-2011, 06:02 AM   #144 (permalink)
Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 2,679
Default Re: No sex during or after pregnancy (18 months total)

Joe,
I agree that there is no point in her seeing a doctor. This is not a medical issue. This is an issue that her agenda and definition of marriage is the marriage you are in. In her "value system" women are 100% mothers and don't have sex for years with their husband. She created a ficticous world where it is common for wives not to have sex for one year after the baby. She also told you that she is a high quality person who would not have sex without the urge.

She has a clear set of values, and is following them. You have to tell her what you believe in.

You need to have a series of conversations where you get your wife to understand and AGREES with a few things... 1. Intact marriages are the best for kids... 2. Marriages are different than all other relationships in life in that they are sexual and that the sexual part is very special 3. Husband have to work at meeting the needs of the wife and wive's have to work at meeting the needs of the husband. 4. Her main emotional need are A, B, C and you main EMOTIONAL need (thin thing that makes you feel loved and apprecaited) is sex.

The last thing you do once she understands these concepts (which are you personal marital values) is give her the choice to decide if that's the marriage she wants to be in, or not.
Hicks is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 10-21-2011, 08:11 AM   #145 (permalink)
Member
 
Enchantment's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2011
Posts: 2,351
Default Re: No sex during or after pregnancy (18 months total)

I wouldn't be surprised that if she actually condescended to go to the doctor, the doc would probably say it's not uncommon for women to have depressed libidoes for a period of time after childbirth and while breastfeeding, and then she would be able to rationalize that her actions are okay.

To me, the crux of the issue is her inability or unwillingness to even bother trying anything that isn't on her time schedule. You have been deprioritized.

There are a lot of things you can do to cultivate intimacy - my H and I used to lay in bed and he would masturbate beside me or I could give him a HJ/BJ when I was down for the count. Those actions didn't always have to involve a lot of touching of my person - so there are ways around it IF YOU ARE WILLING TO TRY. Would she be willing to provide even these basic levels of intimacy with you?

Joe, not sure the best way forward. But, I would say that you need to act confident, calm, upbeat with your wife. Continue to bring this up in a calm manner, and ultimately hold your wife accountable to her statements of promise.

Oh, and you should let your wife know that there won't be other children if it means you get prioritized at the bottom of the queue. That may sound selfish or harsh, but having a strong marital relationship is the BEST gift you can give to your kids, and that only happens when mom and dad make each other the first priority as HUSBAND and WIFE. If she needs to go to some counseling herself (as I suggested before) to help her work through that concept, you should encourage her in that direction.

I think you said you are in counseling? Has your counselor been able to give you any guidance?

Best wishes.
__________________
Enter these enchanted woods, You who dare. ~ George Meredith

Last edited by Enchantment; 10-21-2011 at 08:20 AM.
Enchantment is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 10-21-2011, 11:18 AM   #146 (permalink)
Member
 
Zzyzx's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Shangri La
Posts: 154
Default Re: No sex during or after pregnancy (18 months total)

Quote:
She said she felt guilty for not having sex and thinks about it a lot but can only feel like a mother right now. She doesn't think I'm selfish but feels bad that I push the issue and try to touch her sexually.
Understand something: this just talk, there is NO action on her part to address this. Actions are what you have to look for.

Quote:
She said that I still feel like her hubby and not a friend, that she is attracted to me, but doesn't feel ready to give much of herself to me cuz she Is focused on the baby.
Huge red flag right there. Again, saying she's attracted is JUST talk when she is unwilling to do anything at all to meet your needs. Not even a handjob, let alone anything else.

There is no definite "time" when she will ever feel sexual toward you. To that extent, she is gaslighting you into believing this is normal. Bad news. Her actions so far are showing you that she is unwilling to see the marriage as a sexual relationship.

Remember it's NOT her words that count, it's her actions.

My take is she has lost the attraction she had for you. Try Athol Kay's blog Married Man Sex Life for pointers about what you can do for yourself to reawaken the attraction in her. Understand it may be possible you can do all the recommended stuff, but she still won't wake up and smell the coffee.

I agree with Enchantment about telling her there will be no more babies until this is addressed and resolved to your satisfaction.
__________________
If you don't know me by now
You will never never never know me
Zzyzx is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 10-21-2011, 11:30 AM   #147 (permalink)
Member
 
tacoma's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2011
Location: Florida
Posts: 5,258
Default Re: No sex during or after pregnancy (18 months total)

I would never put up with this.

I`d already be gone.

Your wife is full of it and she`s stringing you along like a good little puppet.

Joe, you`re somewhat of a doormat and chicks just don`t dig doormats.

Start asserting yourself more forcefully about your needs and make her understand this isn`t an option but a priority.

Set a time limit (A very short one) and if she doesn`t start coming around rock her world a little.
Move out, file for D, start having cute chicks call you when your home with her ..something ..anything.

She`s in some kind of self induced fog and needs to be slapped out of it.
tacoma is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 10-21-2011, 01:37 PM   #148 (permalink)
Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2011
Posts: 238
Default Re: No sex during or after pregnancy (18 months total)

Quote:
Originally Posted by Enchantment View Post
I wouldn't be surprised that if she actually condescended to go to the doctor, the doc would probably say it's not uncommon for women to have depressed libidoes for a period of time after childbirth and while breastfeeding, and then she would be able to rationalize that her actions are okay.

To me, the crux of the issue is her inability or unwillingness to even bother trying anything that isn't on her time schedule. You have been deprioritized.

There are a lot of things you can do to cultivate intimacy - my H and I used to lay in bed and he would masturbate beside me or I could give him a HJ/BJ when I was down for the count. Those actions didn't always have to involve a lot of touching of my person - so there are ways around it IF YOU ARE WILLING TO TRY. Would she be willing to provide even these basic levels of intimacy with you?

Joe, not sure the best way forward. But, I would say that you need to act confident, calm, upbeat with your wife. Continue to bring this up in a calm manner, and ultimately hold your wife accountable to her statements of promise.

Oh, and you should let your wife know that there won't be other children if it means you get prioritized at the bottom of the queue. That may sound selfish or harsh, but having a strong marital relationship is the BEST gift you can give to your kids, and that only happens when mom and dad make each other the first priority as HUSBAND and WIFE. If she needs to go to some counseling herself (as I suggested before) to help her work through that concept, you should encourage her in that direction.

I think you said you are in counseling? Has your counselor been able to give you any guidance?

Best wishes.
I have your same concerns regarding the doctor, but did keep initiating that the dr could have some answers regarding hormonal issues. She got offended, and said that what is going on b/n us is perfectly normal.

I talked to her about our marriage not being a priority. I told her that we should love our child with all our heart, but we still have to think of ourselves and act as husband and wife. She didn't disagree, but said she doesn't see herself as anything but a mother. I told her that I want to help her feel like a woman/wife (that's why I tell her she's beautiful, continue to be playful and affectionate), but said she can only accept hugs and kisses (i.e., kiss on cheek, innocent kiss on mouth). I expressed my dissatisfaction with this, framing it in the "WE need to work on this, not just me" way.

I told her that I will follow-through on what she needs from me, but stated that I would like her to consider my desire for physical contact, stating that since I can't touch her sexually, I would like her to touch me (i.e., HJ, BJ). She saw that as chauvinistic and putting her in a subservient role. I told her that I get satisfaction from doing things for her cuz she enjoys them (stroking her hair, massage), but she doesn't see the similarity.

She had mixed feelings about me bringing it up and pressing the issue, but I told her that I believe that I haven't brought it up enough or sooner. I said that it's not healthy for our marriage if I just put on a happy face and pretend everything is ok, because it'll just put greater distance between us. I went on to say that despite her discomfort with the conversation, I'll revisit the conversation because our marriage is important to me.

I understand that others view me as a doormat to my wife; there's some truth to that, but I wasn't passive during this conversation. I wasn't belligerent either.

With regards to counseling, my main issue has been managing my self-beliefs about deserving or not deserving to express my needs in intimate relationships. I've made progress, but I admittedly slip up when being called selfish or being compared to her ex-boyfriends who she saw as selfish and chauvinistic. That was not the case last night as I stood up for myself and told her that I'm neither of those things nor am I her ex-boyfriend. I'm her husband and do a hell of a lot for her.

I said that she might be upset cuz I'm messing with the status quo of me keeping my mouth shut. I wasn't like that earlier in the relationship; I used to speak my mind, but I was conditioned to believe that I'm condescending and selfish and that I needed to be supportive. There may have been some truth to that, but I've taken it overboard and need to right this ship. I told her that she does too.

She doesn't think that she needs counseling right now, but told her that I thought she could benefit from it as she has in the past.
JoeHenderson is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 10-21-2011, 01:38 PM   #149 (permalink)
Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2011
Posts: 238
Default Re: No sex during or after pregnancy (18 months total)

Oh and were not having kids in the near future. Not with this going on. I've expressed that to her. She said she agreed.
JoeHenderson is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 10-21-2011, 02:31 PM   #150 (permalink)
Member
 
Enchantment's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2011
Posts: 2,351
Default Re: No sex during or after pregnancy (18 months total)

Hi Joe ~

Yah. Good for you.

Have you ever read the "No More Mr. Nice Guy" book?

http://7chan.org/lit/src/Robert_Glov...r_Nice_Guy.pdf

Or visited the website or forum?

No More Mr. Nice Guy! - Take the No More Mr. Nice Guy! Self-Assessment

These resources (if you haven't looked at them before) might give you a little bit of additional support in that wanting to be a priority to your wife and in your marriage is neither chauvinistic nor selfish. But she in brushing you off and demeaning what you need out of your marriage is both on her part. I hope that someday she will get to that understanding for both of your sakes.

You do need to calmly call her out when she says those kinds of things to you.

God Bless.
__________________
Enter these enchanted woods, You who dare. ~ George Meredith

Last edited by Enchantment; 10-21-2011 at 02:37 PM.
Enchantment is offline   Reply With Quote
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
Reply

Tags
postpartum, pregnancy, relationship, sex

Thread Tools Search this Thread
Search this Thread:

Advanced Search

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off


Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
Wife cheated 6 months ago, and is 6 months pregnant...advice Biscuits Coping with Infidelity 57 08-16-2012 09:05 AM
Total confusion ashleyd General Relationship Discussion 5 06-17-2010 12:01 PM
at a total loss BeccaMac General Relationship Discussion 7 03-03-2008 05:22 AM

Member Area

Find a Therapist:


Sponsor Ads


Sponsor Ads




Get The Family & Marriage Counseling Directory Help Guide via Email:
Name:
Email:




All times are GMT -5. The time now is 04:28 AM.



Copyright 2007 - 2013 © Talk About Marriage