I wouldn't be surprised that if she actually condescended to go to the doctor, the doc would probably say it's not uncommon for women to have depressed libidoes for a period of time after childbirth and while breastfeeding, and then she would be able to rationalize that her actions are okay.
To me, the crux of the issue is her inability or unwillingness to even bother trying anything that isn't on her time schedule. You have been deprioritized.
There are a lot of things you can do to cultivate intimacy - my H and I used to lay in bed and he would masturbate beside me or I could give him a HJ/BJ when I was down for the count. Those actions didn't always have to involve a lot of touching of my person - so there are ways around it IF YOU ARE WILLING TO TRY. Would she be willing to provide even these basic levels of intimacy with you?
Joe, not sure the best way forward. But, I would say that you need to act confident, calm, upbeat with your wife. Continue to bring this up in a calm manner, and ultimately hold your wife accountable to her statements of promise.
Oh, and you should let your wife know that there won't be other children if it means you get prioritized at the bottom of the queue. That may sound selfish or harsh, but having a strong marital relationship is the BEST gift you can give to your kids, and that only happens when mom and dad make each other the first priority as HUSBAND and WIFE. If she needs to go to some counseling herself (as I suggested before) to help her work through that concept, you should encourage her in that direction.
I think you said you are in counseling? Has your counselor been able to give you any guidance?
I have your same concerns regarding the doctor, but did keep initiating that the dr could have some answers regarding hormonal issues. She got offended, and said that what is going on b/n us is perfectly normal.
I talked to her about our marriage not being a priority. I told her that we should love our child with all our heart, but we still have to think of ourselves and act as husband and wife. She didn't disagree, but said she doesn't see herself as anything but a mother. I told her that I want to help her feel like a woman/wife (that's why I tell her she's beautiful, continue to be playful and affectionate), but said she can only accept hugs and kisses (i.e., kiss on cheek, innocent kiss on mouth). I expressed my dissatisfaction with this, framing it in the "WE need to work on this, not just me" way.
I told her that I will follow-through on what she needs from me, but stated that I would like her to consider my desire for physical contact, stating that since I can't touch her sexually, I would like her to touch me (i.e., HJ, BJ). She saw that as chauvinistic and putting her in a subservient role. I told her that I get satisfaction from doing things for her cuz she enjoys them (stroking her hair, massage), but she doesn't see the similarity.
She had mixed feelings about me bringing it up and pressing the issue, but I told her that I believe that I haven't brought it up enough or sooner. I said that it's not healthy for our marriage if I just put on a happy face and pretend everything is ok, because it'll just put greater distance between us. I went on to say that despite her discomfort with the conversation, I'll revisit the conversation because our marriage is important to me.
I understand that others view me as a doormat to my wife; there's some truth to that, but I wasn't passive during this conversation. I wasn't belligerent either.
With regards to counseling, my main issue has been managing my self-beliefs about deserving or not deserving to express my needs in intimate relationships. I've made progress, but I admittedly slip up when being called selfish or being compared to her ex-boyfriends who she saw as selfish and chauvinistic. That was not the case last night as I stood up for myself and told her that I'm neither of those things nor am I her ex-boyfriend. I'm her husband and do a hell of a lot for her.
I said that she might be upset cuz I'm messing with the status quo of me keeping my mouth shut. I wasn't like that earlier in the relationship; I used to speak my mind, but I was conditioned to believe that I'm condescending and selfish and that I needed to be supportive. There may have been some truth to that, but I've taken it overboard and need to right this ship. I told her that she does too.
She doesn't think that she needs counseling right now, but told her that I thought she could benefit from it as she has in the past.