Sex in MarriageSexual problems are common in many relationships. This section is for discussions about sexuality. Please limit discussions to those asking for help with a problem and those offering advice. Any other threads may be deleted.
Re: No sex during or after pregnancy (18 months total)
Quote:
Originally Posted by JoeHenderson
For instance, she wanted me to do a chore prior to me leaving for work, but I was already running late. I calmly told her that I cannot do it because I wanted to get to work at a respectable time. She saw me as de-prioritizing her, but I told her that I need to be respectful of each hat I wear. It feels good to start getting my old self back, slowly but surely.
You have to be careful with some of the advice you are getting.
When you are "manning up", this means you are clearly understanding your own principles for what a marriage is. It is not about denying your wife because she denies you.
So, your principle for a marriage should be that a husband puts his wife first in life, and a wife puts her husband first in life. So you at all times want to display that principle.
This is very different than the principle that a Husband will only put his wife first in in life if she puts him first in life.
Re: No sex during or after pregnancy (18 months total)
Quote:
Originally Posted by Hicks
You have to be careful with some of the advice you are getting.
When you are "manning up", this means you are clearly understanding your own principles for what a marriage is. It is not about denying your wife because she denies you.
So, your principle for a marriage should be that a husband puts his wife first in life, and a wife puts her husband first in life. So you at all times want to display that principle.
This is very different than the principle that a Husband will only put his wife first in in life if she puts him first in life.
While I agree in principle, I think that thought process is perhaps more dangerous for those like the OP than for others. He has been putting her first for a long time now, to his own detriment. Not only is he not first on her priority list, he does not even make the list. That needs to change. Communicating through words and actions that her decision to deprioritize him over the long term will naturally lead to him deprioritizing her is a natural way to start that change while attempting to minimize resentment.
Assuming the task she asked him to do is something she could have done for herself or was not urgent (and I did not get the feeling that it fell in either catagory), then his response was certainly reasonable. It establishes the boundary that he is not her servant. To me, that is a critical first step.
Re: No sex during or after pregnancy (18 months total)
Quote:
Originally Posted by Tall Average Guy
While I agree in principle, I think that thought process is perhaps more dangerous for those like the OP than for others. He has been putting her first for a long time now, to his own detriment. Not only is he not first on her priority list, he does not even make the list. That needs to change. Communicating through words and actions that her decision to deprioritize him over the long term will naturally lead to him deprioritizing her is a natural way to start that change while attempting to minimize resentment.
Assuming the task she asked him to do is something she could have done for herself or was not urgent (and I did not get the feeling that it fell in either catagory), then his response was certainly reasonable. It establishes the boundary that he is not her servant. To me, that is a critical first step.
Agreed. Also asking him to do chores that will make him late for work is more of a fitness test anyway. Not reasonable. Him getting to his job is for family good.
I also think meeting needs is conditional at some point. If one spouse stops meeting needs for extended periods of time it makes no sense for the other spouse to continue to meet the others needs as a the top priority. Yes this can spiral but right now thisnis a one way street.
Also we are seeing that her only role is the baby. So this situation is probably not even healthy for her.
Re: No sex during or after pregnancy (18 months total)
Quote:
Originally Posted by Tall Average Guy
As a follow up, Joe, did you ever get your wife out of the house with her gfs (and away from the baby)? If so, how did it go? If not, why not?
Yes, she's been once without baby and once with. It went fine. I would like her to hang out with other friends too, as one of her friends is of the mentality that wives don't have to want/do anything for their marriage- that H's just have to deal with things. It's a work in progress because she feels guilty being away from the baby.
Re: No sex during or after pregnancy (18 months total)
Quote:
Originally Posted by JoeHenderson
Yes, she's been once without baby and once with. It went fine. I would like her to hang out with other friends too, as one of her friends is of the mentality that wives don't have to want/do anything for their marriage- that H's just have to deal with things. It's a work in progress because she feels guilty being away from the baby.
I would advise getting her out more without the baby, but do agree that getting her to see different friends is a good idea. Again, I suspect she is far to involved and comfortable in the mother role. Getting her out to act as a woman (as opposed to just a mother) is very important. I would also take the baby out yourself, without her, even for an hour or two, to force her to focus on something else. Finally, I would arrange a sitter and take her out to dinner amovie, something to get her out with just the two of you. Tell her she has only one phone call to the sitter.
I know you are late to the game with some of this, but you need to do it. Be confident and make it clear that taking part in these activities is mandatory for your marriage.
Re: No sex during or after pregnancy (18 months total)
Quote:
Originally Posted by Tall Average Guy
While I agree in principle, I think that thought process is perhaps more dangerous for those like the OP than for others. He has been putting her first for a long time now, to his own detriment. Not only is he not first on her priority list, he does not even make the list. That needs to change. Communicating through words and actions that her decision to deprioritize him over the long term will naturally lead to him deprioritizing her is a natural way to start that change while attempting to minimize resentment.
Assuming the task she asked him to do is something she could have done for herself or was not urgent (and I did not get the feeling that it fell in either catagory), then his response was certainly reasonable. It establishes the boundary that he is not her servant. To me, that is a critical first step.
I still disagree.
If he is purposely deprioritizing her becuase she has done the same, then he should just say that he is going to do that, and why he is doing that. There is nothing wrong with Joe doing that at this point, IMO.
However, it is a mistake to deprioritze her while simultaneously trying to teach her the lesson that each partner has to prioritize the needs of the other. IF he is trying to teach her that he as her husband will put her needs first, and he expects her to do the same, then he cannot demonstrate otherwise, or she will silently conclude that "he does not want to meet my needs, but wants his needs met".
Re: No sex during or after pregnancy (18 months total)
Quote:
Originally Posted by Hicks
I still disagree.
If he is purposely deprioritizing her becuase she has done the same, then he should just say that he is going to do that, and why he is doing that. There is nothing wrong with Joe doing that at this point, IMO.
However, it is a mistake to deprioritze her while simultaneously trying to teach her the lesson that each partner has to prioritize the needs of the other. IF he is trying to teach her that he as her husband will put her needs first, and he expects her to do the same, then he cannot demonstrate otherwise, or she will silently conclude that "he does not want to meet my needs, but wants his needs met".
This is why he has to be careful.
Yes, the danger is the sprialling downward versus the one-sided behavior. Point well taken. But I do think he should explain to her that he is not feeling like a husband because his wife is MIA.
Re: No sex during or after pregnancy (18 months total)
Quote:
Originally Posted by Hicks
I still disagree.
If he is purposely deprioritizing her becuase she has done the same, then he should just say that he is going to do that, and why he is doing that. There is nothing wrong with Joe doing that at this point, IMO.
However, it is a mistake to deprioritze her while simultaneously trying to teach her the lesson that each partner has to prioritize the needs of the other. IF he is trying to teach her that he as her husband will put her needs first, and he expects her to do the same, then he cannot demonstrate otherwise, or she will silently conclude that "he does not want to meet my needs, but wants his needs met".
This is why he has to be careful.
Again, I don't disagree that this is necessary for the healthy relationship. But when a relationship has become this unhealthy and this one-sided, I truly believe this concern is overblown. In fact, it can back fire. Joe has, for the last eighteen months, demonstrated that she is his first priority. The result has been his needs being ignored. He has provided the example of how a spouse should treat the other and asked her to do the same. For at least the last eighteen months, she has refused and not tried to treat him in the way he deserves. In this scenario, asking him to be careful about setting a good example holds the real danger of him sliding back into the "nice guy" mode, that will only lead to greater frustration and resentment.
As I noted in the post that you quoted, he needs to communication, through both words and actions, that her decision to de-prioritize him will result, in the long run, in him de-prioritizing her. Words are necessary so that she understands why, but actions are critical, because he has used words before.
Oddly enough dates are a mistake. They come across as you doing "even more" hoping she will eventually give you a crumb or two.
You will do better:
- prioritizing yourself
- stop conveying to your wife that you are trying to please/impress her
- explain in a nice but firm manner what you expect your wife to do to pull her weight
- in a low key manner you might mention that you have no interest in adding children to a marriage
Where you are not respected.
OTE=JoeHenderson;463451]Sounds good. I take the baby on walks for an hour or so on saturday and Sunday.
I do agree it is time for dates. She of courses hesitant. Posted via Mobile Device[/QUOTE] Posted via Mobile Device
Re: No sex during or after pregnancy (18 months total) 
Must be nice.
