Tall Average Guy

FWIW, this may be the better option. I had much success in my marriage by being more assertive and requiring my wife to go out on dates and get away from our kids. While doing this, I did focus more on my priorities. She reacted very well to this. But we were never even close to the point that Joe is at. So while my instinct is to replicate what worked for me, MEMS approach may be the better route.

MEM11363

This is just a theory - only Joe will have any real sense of whether it is valid. Joe's wife never liked having sex with him. Pregnancy did two things for her:
- It locked him into the marriage much more strongly
- It gave her an excuse to completely stop having sex

Before we go any further I am going to try to be neutral here. I have no idea whether Joe's wife is turned off by his behavior outside the bedroom or inside the bedroom.

The only thing we do know is she was totally comfortable telling him that she was unilaterally shutting their sex life down for 1.5 years+.

Joe hasn't really demanded an honest conversation and I am sure he has his reasons for not doing so. And by demanded I don't mean a half azzed discussion about how sex is important to him. There is zero point in telling someone something they already know. I mean - demanded as in: Clearly you don't like having sex with me, you need to tell me why.

Me personally. If my W was sick, I could live without sex and not lose my mind. But if she just decided we were done having sex and was not inclined towards a conversation about it, our marriage would rapidly change.

Hicks

Ok, I didn't notice that.
I think that he has to tell her that he is going to prioritize her because she prioritized him and their marriage. And, it's not "in the long run", it should be in the here and now and consistent.

Basically, I agree with MEM's post 181... He has to stop chasing her and tell her why... and give her the choice to be part of the marriage or not.

ocotillo

I can identify a little bit with Joe, because I went through a similar thing when the first child was born.

Deep inside, I was angry and upset for a long time. (Didn't show it though.) Talking about it didn't help even a little bit, but changing the relationship between myself and the baby did.

By some quirk of chance, I figured out a way to hold the baby that calmed her colicky stomach. (By balancing her butt and feet both on a forearm like a little frog with her head on my shoulder) My wife didn't have the strength in her arms to hold the baby like this for any length of time. The baby stuck to me like glue after that and would cry if my wife tried to hold her. Mom and Baby were no longer off in their own little world without Dad and Mom suddenly "needs" Dad again. (In retrospect, it probably didn't hurt that now I was the one up all night with the baby...)

Obviously this is just a personal anecdote that's not necessarily helpful. I've mentioned it only to show the dynamic of the situation: There's only one way that two people can pair up. When there's three people; a pairing will always exclude someone. When Mom and Baby go off in their own little world, that "Someone" is the Father.

--But if you can change the relationship with either of them, you change it with both.

Hubby01

I would really like to be able to give this something constructive, I've gone through and read the entire 13 pages. My advice to try and fix this NOW remains current, but I don't have a lot of direction to that statement.

My baby is nearly 2, and while we haven't been completely sexless for the entire time, it may as well have been. We have sex exactly when and how she says, normally once or twice a month when she ovulates. I've run the gambit of almost every approach and nothing as yet has made her accountable for the state of our relationship.

Of course now she wants another baby. It's just a shame I'm so selfish for thinking of the needs of the both of us and our child, before the needs of another baby.

FirstYearDown

From what I have read here, it seems like having a baby robs a wife of needing intimacy from her husband.

Also, why should Joe Henderson continue to give his wife more attention if she couldn't care less about him?? If I were Joe, I would have way too much resentment to plan dates or be romantic.

Hubby01, your wife clearly sees you as her personal stud horse. She only wants sex when she wants a baby? What a disgustingly selfish attitude!

Joe and Hubby01, your wives are comfortable. So make them uncomfortable! I'll bet $100,000 that if a separation occured, both of these women would suddenly find ways to keep their good hubbies around. After all, being a single mom is much more difficult than making love!

Hubby01

I don't want to steal Joe's thread here, but I would happily take that bet. Unfortunately my wife is happily grounded in la la land with very little chance of redemption.

She's now looking into assisted pregnancy because we can't get pregnant. Not only is there minimal sex, there are months when we don't even have sex..........she's whacked!

Zzyzx

That's just totally FUBAR. As FYD says above, this isn't a marriage, this is a stud service. Worse, she's not even paying you. You should refuse to participate in any way in the assisted pregnancy. You won't donate your sperm, you won't pay for any consultations, you won't permit your health plan to be used to help, etc. Let her know how you feel about the lack of sex and tell her no more babies until this part of your marriage is better and stays better. Now this is going to take work on your part as well as hers. She may have resentment against you that keeps her from having sex, you will have to get to the bottom of that one.

For possible actions on your part: have you checked into Athol Kay's blog? Also look at the Manning up thread in Men's Clubhouse. You can't make her change, but you can certainly work on yourself.

Anyway, rather than derail JoeHenderson's thread, why don't you start your own if you're serious about getting help from here?

__________________
If you don't know me by now
You will never never never know me

Hubby01

I have the help I need and my plan firmly set in place.

Just trying to make sure Joe realizes he's not alone.

MEM11363

Hubby01,
I will only say this once so as not to be tiresome. And I am not going to debate it with you or anyone else. It just "is" - I didn't make it this way.

Agreeing to have a child, whether that is first, second, etc. with a woman absolutely signals that you find the current state of the marriage "acceptable". You can tell her you are unhappy. You can complain frequently. It doesn't matter at all. Agreeing to have the child means "I will tolerate your treatment of me open ended".

It is almost impossible to "unring" that bell. You don't "have the child" hoping that she will then be happy and things will improve. It just doesn't work that way.

DesperateHouseWife

Joe so... what's going on? How long are you willing to wait for sex? I thought 1week was a long time for hubby waiting when TOM comes,but wow over a year. Another man would had cheated long time ago. You are one of a kind...

JoeHenderson

Thanks hubby01. Sorry to hear you're in a similar situation.

Desperate housewife, I'm not sure if being one of a kind is a good thing in this case.

Anyways, I'll write more tomorrow about some of thoughts and experiences.
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DesperateHouseWife

Have you try wearing sexy undies???

Sometimes ignoring the spouse will make them realize there wrong doing. You do everything for her,and she gives you no booty. SMH bummer

JoeHenderson

Hi I'm somewhat new to the forum. Anyway, I have a question for the moms. When did you first start having sex after the birth of your child? One month? Two months? Six months? A year?

Lookin forward to your responses.
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tacoma

Joe,

This is senseless man.

You`re not going to find any woman here who waited 9 months after birth to resume sex.

Stop trying to justify her disrespect of you.