Sex in MarriageSexual problems are common in many relationships. This section is for discussions about sexuality. Please limit discussions to those asking for help with a problem and those offering advice. Any other threads may be deleted.
Not trying to justify, just doing a little independent research. I'm trying to make progress and the arguments have begun, which I think is a good thing. For the record, it's 9 months after birth and nine months during pregnancy- not saying that's a good thing. Posted via Mobile Device
Not trying to justify, just doing a little independent research. I'm trying to make progress and the arguments have begun, which I think is a good thing. For the record, it's 9 months after birth and nine months during pregnancy- not saying that's a good thing. Posted via Mobile Device
My bad (Fixed it) but your not going to find a woman here who waiting 9 months before and 9 months after either.
Your wife has a problem she`s not telling you about or perhaps isn`t even aware of herself.
However the fact that you guys are arguing is a good thing..I think.
A doctor will tell you to wait 8 weeks as it takes that long for the cervix to completely close and get rid of the risk of infection to the new Mom but I think women vary based upon hormones, how difficult the birth was, how difficult they find adjusting to motherhood, what the father is like in response to him being a new dad and her being a new mom, etc.
Some women are actually hornier, it's a crazy time as hormones are insane. I was told that a woman's body is not back to her pre-pregnancy biology until 12 months after birth and that's if she's not breastfeeding, breastfeeding will keep her hormones off.
I had 6 babies, and for me, I was more horny during pregancy than any other time & after giving birth ( I had all C-sections)... having sex is the one thing I couldn't wait to get back too, we never waited as long as the Doc said, my hormones were raging, I am thinking 3 weeks later at the most. We have 2 sons 11 months apart- we just couldn't wait ! As soon as my scar was feeling decent, I was on top of him! I never breast-fed though.
First baby - greatly increased libido during pregnancy so we went at it like rabbits. After birth - greatly reduced libido for about 12 -18 months. I breastfed for 18 months (and was working full-time, so I was lugging a breast pump back and forth to work). We still had sex beginning at about 6 - 7 weeks after birth - but it wasn't as much as we had had previously, and for me, it was more uncomfortable - I had internal stitches that didn't heal very well and it took about 6 - 8 months before that resolved. I would say fully two years out, we were back to what we had been before.
Second baby - high risk, no sexual intercourse during - the longest time we ever went without that, although did supplement H with other things. Didn't have as much drive, but was much older and had more complications during pregnancy. After birth - again, greatly reduced libido. Had very difficult delivery and very difficult, colicky, sleepless baby (he never slept through the night until 15 months old, and quit taking any naps during the day by 6 months old). Had to breastfeed for 24 months because he had an esophogeal problem and couldn't swallow normally (he is fine now) - also went back to work at 4 months after birth so I was pumping again. It probably wasn't until almost two - three years out after him that my libido and desire really returned, although we engaged in intercourse and other things well before that. I was determined that I wasn't going to let my H have to stagnate, so we worked at trying to make it work as best we could.
Everybody's different, though. Just depends on your life circumstances, your body, your beliefs, your relationship. For some it's easy and things hum along, for others it's more difficult. For those who it is more difficult for, being the kind of person who has a more positive attitude can help a lot.
Joe,
Enchantment is similar to my W in many ways - all positive.
She had physical issues, desire issues, fatigue etc. She LOVES her H, she respects him and therefore she found a way not to starve him.
My W has had PLENTY of excuses not to play. She doesn't use them. She is very committed to being a great life partner. And in return she has an H who goes the extra mile for her whenever asked. And often without being asked.
I'm somewhat new to the forum. Anyway, I have a question for the moms. When did you first start having sex after the birth of your child? One month? Two months? Six months? A year?
Lookin forward to your responses. Posted via Mobile Device[/QUOTE] Posted via Mobile Device
Thanks everyone for replying. As W and I have been talking about this, she has told me that it is the norm to go close to a year wo sex. I didn't believe it to be the norm so that is why Im doing this little investigation to remind myself I'm. Not crazy. I know everyone is different and that she a c section and is breastfeeding, but still wanted to get an idea. Thanks all. Posted via Mobile Device
Re: No sex during or after pregnancy (18 months total)
I don't think she'd be into sexy undies...but who knows.
I've been giving it some thought and realized a pattern I our relationship. She's gotten maternal before , which has led to her ignoring me.
First, it was the puppy. We didn't have sex problems, but a great deal of attn was paid to the puppy.
A couple years later, her brother moved in with us. He was in his mid 20s at the time, painfully shy, anxious about most things, and was adjusting to being away from home. Anyway, we went on much fewer dates when he first came because she felt bad leaving him alone. When we got invited to parties, we often wouldn't go because he was too nervous to meet new people and she once again felt guilty leaving him alone. I told her that I wanted him to be happy too, but didn't like at he was dictating the relationship. She didn't like what I said, but began to understand when her therapist told her that she was ignoring the needs of the relationship. He no longer lives with us. He is back with his parents, mostly for financial reasons.
So yes, it seems that she gets this tunnel vision when she gets in maternal mode. From past conversations, it seems that she sometimes forgets me cuz she sees me as this sturdy rock who always has it together so she can focus on the one who needs her (puppy, brother, baby). I told her that i need her too and that it's not easy for me to always be the rock who gets overlooked.
On the bright side, I've been asserting myself more, which has led to some arguments, but we've also made out recently. It doesn't seem like much but a lot better than barely being able to look at her. Posted via Mobile Device
When we did antenatal classes with our first we were given a handout that stated that the average number of times a couple has sex in the year after birth is 3-5 times. I don't know what the source was, or the accuracy of it, but that was the info we were given.
I personally found that when I was breastfeeding and not having cycles, my sex drive was very low. When my cycles resumed it was back to normal. I'm figuring the hormonal changes were responsible. The first month it returned I was very keen. Then it settled back to normal. All my babies were over a year old when my cycles did return. I'm mentioning this as you've said your wife is breastfeeding and it may have some bearing on your situation.
My opinion differs from the man's opinion here and most women apparently. I think if you want her back, arguing about it isn't going to help and will further the divide between you both.
Who cares what the norm is? If your wife isn't horny and doesn't want to have sex with you it doesn't really matter if most women do want to have sex with their husbands.
I don't think putting your foot down is going to work either. I mean what are you going to say exactly? "Listen biatch, you may be breastfeeding our nine month old son after having him taken out of your scarred tummy and carrying him for 9 months before but I have needs too and I want sex! sex! sex! or I'm going to cheat on you because my penis wants to cum!"
You'd be far better off to empathize with her and work to get to exactly where she is in her mind so that you can happily lead her back to you and back to your bedroom.
I had sex with my husband two weeks afterwards with most of our children. I did it out of obligation. I worried for days afterwards that I would get an infection but I did it because I thought his needs/desires superseded my own. We also screwed like rabbits during pregnancy. Oh, great, my husband is so lucky. Give me an f'ing break. Luck is the couple who truly listens and understands the needs of one another and gets that down so well that resentment is an impossibility.
Trenton, JoeHenderson has already tried to be patient and emphathetic. It has been almost a year after all and she won't even allow kisses. It is not all about his wife; he is important too.
From what I have read of his situation, she doesn't care about how he feels. She says that she gets all the love she needs from the baby and he is selfish for wanting sex.
The "Nice Guy" approach has failed miserably, so why is putting his foot down the wrong thing to do? He can assert his need for intimacy without being mean.
You cannot tell me that JH's wife is being fair to him, herself or the marriage.
Trenton, JoeHenderson has already tried to be patient and emphathetic. It has been almost a year after all and she won't even allow kisses. It is not all about his wife; he is important too.
From what I have read of his situation, she doesn't care about how he feels. She says that she gets all the love she needs from the baby and he is selfish for wanting sex.
The "Nice Guy" approach has failed miserably, so why is putting his foot down the wrong thing to do? He can assert his need for intimacy without being mean.
You cannot tell me that JH's wife is being fair to him, herself or the marriage.
I read his other posts.
If he doesn't begin to understand her he will lose her. She has to be woken up. Him becoming big headed and telling her his needs have to come first is not going to help the situation.
Nice guy approach isn't going to work either because apparently both the tough guy and the nice guy are self focused. He has to become her focused so that he truly understands what is going on and doesn't stay alone that's the only way he has a chance of leading her back with him.
Fair? What is fair really? What is only fair to ourselves?
Until Joe is actually prepared to do 'something', none of it matters. None. Not the discussions. The emotions. The opinions. The hurt.
Absolutely nothing happens. Until Joe chooses to make something happen. His wife isn't going to do it.
She isn't interested in being a wife. She wants to be a mother. Joe's role is to make that easy for her. That is what she expects of him. That is all she expects of him.
So the question remains if that is all he expects of himself. Posted via Mobile Device
Re: Ladies with babies, please answer 
it was great. He attacked me from behind as I was making the bed. 
