No sex during or after pregnancy (18 months total) - Page 17
 Talk About Marriage
  The Marriage Advice and Relationship Help Forums
  right
Forums - For Therapists - Link to Us - Advertise  

    A Public Forum Provided by The Family & Marriage Counseling Directory
Register FAQ Community Search Today's Posts Mark Forums Read

Navigation »Talk About Marriage »Focused Topics »Sex in Marriage » No sex during or after pregnancy (18 months total)

Sex in Marriage Sexual problems are common in many relationships. This section is for discussions about sexuality. Please limit discussions to those asking for help with a problem and those offering advice. Any other threads may be deleted.

Reply
 
LinkBack Thread Tools Search this Thread
Old 10-30-2011, 03:06 PM   #241 (permalink)
Member
 
Join Date: May 2011
Posts: 816
Default Re: Ladies with babies, please answer

Quote:
Originally Posted by MEM11363 View Post
T,
I am genuinely confused. There is no basis at all for stopping sex when you get pregnant.
My whole theme here is that this is not about prioritizing the baby but rather deprioroizing Joe.
We can go back and forth endlessly on the post birth behavior and we won't ever see eye to eye. And that is fine. But the pregnancy behavior offers a very clear picture of what is happening.
Until Joe realizes that deejo is right and this has little to do with the baby, he is going to be treated as little more than a paycheck mule.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Deejo View Post
Neither myself, nor MEM posts with the intent of marginalizing women or breaking up marriages. Hope we can agree on that.

The sooner he chooses to define, stand up for and defend his needs and what makes him happy, the sooner he will discover if he has a partner that is or isn't invested in a relationship that meets her needs, his needs, and their childs needs.
Posted via Mobile Device
Quote:
Originally Posted by AFEH View Post
Yes. All that will get him is more of the same. No sex. If a dog bites me and I demonstrate patience and tolerance for sure the dog will bite me again.
So basically what you're saying is that Joe's wife took a concious, reasoned decision to deprioritise Joe's desire for sex, to ensure that she could entwine herself with the child? That she sat down and coldly and calmly determined that she would take sex off the agenda? That not only is there is absolutely no truth whatsoever in what Trenton wrote, but there can never be any truth in it - it is an entirely hypothetical scenario that simply can never happen? That the only possible thing is that Joe's wife woke up pregnant and decided that she would stamp her authority on the marriage by refusing sex, and the only way out of this is to "shake her up"?
__________________
Can you rokker Romani chib, pal?
Aye, aye, brother!
What's Weshenjuggalslomomengreskeytemskeytudlogueri?
I don't know what you say, brother.
Then you don't jin Romani chib...
Sawney Beane is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
Old 10-30-2011, 03:12 PM   #242 (permalink)
Banned
 
Join Date: May 2010
Posts: 4,724
Default Re: Ladies with babies, please answer

Quote:
Originally Posted by Sawney Beane View Post
So basically what you're saying is that Joe's wife took a concious, reasoned decision to deprioritise Joe's desire for sex, to ensure that she could entwine herself with the child? That she sat down and coldly and calmly determined that she would take sex off the agenda? That not only is there is absolutely no truth whatsoever in what Trenton wrote, but there can never be any truth in it - it is an entirely hypothetical scenario that simply can never happen? That the only possible thing is that Joe's wife woke up pregnant and decided that she would stamp her authority on the marriage by refusing sex, and the only way out of this is to "shake her up"?
Donít be silly, I haven't a clue what Joe's wife's thoughts are. Not a clue. But if he keeps doing the same things he's going to keep getting the same results.

His wife is already into MASSIVELY HABITUAL BEHAVIOUR. And that behaviour is NO SEX. Sounds to me like sheís addicted to NO SEX. And because of that she doesnít give a fig about keeping him by her side.

The man has needs and she sure isnít satisfying them!

What happens next?
AFEH is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 10-30-2011, 03:15 PM   #243 (permalink)
Banned
 
Join Date: Aug 2010
Posts: 2,007
Default Re: Ladies with babies, please answer

Quote:
Originally Posted by AFEH View Post
Yes. All that will get him is more of the same. No sex. If a dog bites me and I demonstrate patience and tolerance for sure the dog will bite me again.
Do you think his wife is comparable to a dog? Seriously?
Trenton is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 10-30-2011, 03:33 PM   #244 (permalink)
Moderator
 
Deejo's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2008
Location: MA
Posts: 6,805
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by Trenton View Post
Do you think his wife is comparable to a dog? Seriously?
Ah, misdirection.

And to answer your previous bit, she already resents him ... Despite his belief he's doing all the right things.

I'm also not saying there isn't any truth to your position ... But your position still lacks an actionable plan.

I like that you and TRBE stand out there in a storm.

My issue is that you frame the dissolution of the relationship as a loss ... It's Joes to win or lose if he doesn't get it 'right'.

I just don't see it that way.

Joe needs to come to terms with what 'winning' for his circumstances looks like.
Posted via Mobile Device
Deejo is online now   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 10-30-2011, 03:39 PM   #245 (permalink)
Member
 
Therealbrighteyes's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: Texas
Posts: 6,647
Default Re: Ladies with babies, please answer

Quote:
Originally Posted by Sawney Beane View Post
So basically what you're saying is that Joe's wife took a concious, reasoned decision to deprioritise Joe's desire for sex, to ensure that she could entwine herself with the child? That she sat down and coldly and calmly determined that she would take sex off the agenda? That not only is there is absolutely no truth whatsoever in what Trenton wrote, but there can never be any truth in it - it is an entirely hypothetical scenario that simply can never happen? That the only possible thing is that Joe's wife woke up pregnant and decided that she would stamp her authority on the marriage by refusing sex, and the only way out of this is to "shake her up"?
Exactly.
Trenton doesn't know anything about pregnancy and giving birth and breast feeding and having three children and hormones and emotions and what not. Nope. Let's discount her opinion and listen to men, in the Ladies forum. The same men who discount her in the Mens forum.
Therealbrighteyes is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 10-30-2011, 03:46 PM   #246 (permalink)
Banned
 
Join Date: Aug 2010
Posts: 2,007
Default Re: Ladies with babies, please answer

Quote:
Originally Posted by Deejo View Post
Ah, misdirection.

And to answer your previous bit, she already resents him ... Despite his belief he's doing all the right things.

I'm also not saying there isn't any truth to your position ... But your position still lacks an actionable plan.

I like that you and TRBE stand out there in a storm.

My issue is that you frame the dissolution of the relationship as a loss ... It's Joes to win or lose if he doesn't get it 'right'.

I just don't see it that way.

Joe needs to come to terms with what 'winning' for his circumstances looks like.
Posted via Mobile Device
Misdirection to you is asking before assuming whether Bob was intending to compare women to dogs. Of course, the fact that I find that disturbing most likely means I'm a psycho feminist. Thank goodness I don't believe that either.

I'm not standing out in a storm in some very limited, united front with brighteyes (she just happens to sometimes agree with me). I'm offering my perspective. I understand it will be scrutinized by members. This is fine. I truly feel I am right, Deejo, or I wouldn't offer it at all.
Trenton is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 10-30-2011, 03:48 PM   #247 (permalink)
Member
 
Join Date: May 2011
Posts: 816
Default Re: Ladies with babies, please answer

Quote:
Originally Posted by AFEH View Post
Donít be silly, I haven't a clue what Joe's wife's thoughts are. Not a clue.
Then why is there only one solution? Not saying that you're wrong, but just as penicillin won't treat a broken leg, why is deprioritisation a panacea?
Quote:
But if he keeps doing the same things he's going to keep getting the same results.
Now here you really are absolutely right. Doing nothing isn't an option, doing what he has done isn't an option - he definitely needs to do something else. All I'm wondering is why is there only one club in the golf bag?

Quote:
His wife is already into MASSIVELY HABITUAL BEHAVIOUR. And that behaviour is NO SEX. Sounds to me like sheís addicted to NO SEX. And because of that she doesnít give a fig about keeping him by her side.
I think she does - I think more than wanting to keep him there, she expects him to be there, but without a sex life.

Quote:
The man has needs and she sure isnít satisfying them!

What happens next?
His needs aren't her needs, and vice versa... Problem, that, innit? What happnes next? Nothing good.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Deejo View Post
My issue is that you frame the dissolution of the relationship as a loss ... It's Joes to win or lose if he doesn't get it 'right'.

I just don't see it that way.

Joe needs to come to terms with what 'winning' for his circumstances looks like.
Posted via Mobile Device
Exactly. He may have to destroy the village to save the village. Joe needs to be totally aware that if he follows your plan he is deciding and stating that this is the hill he is prepared to die on. Because if he isn't, it ain't going to work.
__________________
Can you rokker Romani chib, pal?
Aye, aye, brother!
What's Weshenjuggalslomomengreskeytemskeytudlogueri?
I don't know what you say, brother.
Then you don't jin Romani chib...
Sawney Beane is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 10-30-2011, 03:52 PM   #248 (permalink)
Banned
 
Join Date: Aug 2010
Posts: 2,007
Default Re: Ladies with babies, please answer

Isn't Joe coming here with the goal of resolution of the marriage? Why would framing the dissolution of the relationship as a loss not be logical given Joe's personal goals?
Trenton is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 10-30-2011, 03:52 PM   #249 (permalink)
Member
 
Join Date: May 2011
Posts: 816
Default Re: Ladies with babies, please answer

Quote:
Originally Posted by Therealbrighteyes View Post
Exactly.
Trenton doesn't know anything about pregnancy and giving birth and breast feeding and having three children and hormones and emotions and what not. Nope. Let's discount her opinion and listen to men, in the Ladies forum. The same men who discount her in the Mens forum.
With all due respect I'm not here to take sides in a p*ssing contest. No-one here has a monopoly on the truth.

At the moment, Joe's golf bag has one club in it, and he's being offered one more. I think he needs more options, from everyone here.

I don't think that the OP's purpose is served by this descending into a men versus women brawl.
__________________
Can you rokker Romani chib, pal?
Aye, aye, brother!
What's Weshenjuggalslomomengreskeytemskeytudlogueri?
I don't know what you say, brother.
Then you don't jin Romani chib...
Sawney Beane is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 10-30-2011, 03:58 PM   #250 (permalink)
Banned
 
Join Date: Aug 2010
Posts: 2,007
Default Re: Ladies with babies, please answer

Quote:
Originally Posted by Sawney Beane View Post
With all due respect I'm not here to take sides in a p*ssing contest. No-one here has a monopoly on the truth.

At the moment, Joe's golf bag has one club in it, and he's being offered one more. I think he needs more options, from everyone here.

I don't think that the OP's purpose is served by this descending into a men versus women brawl.
I completely agree. Which is why it would be nice if I could have an opinion and offer suggestions and perceptions of my own without having to worry if I'm going to be told I'm intriguing, in a storm, or have to justify myself to the majority of the posters since a certain philosophy seems to be the only philosophy that could offer a possible solution.

If the goal is to help Joe then let's help Joe. For that, Joe really needs to be honest and answer some questions. I need to know more than his wife is happy with the love for her child and hasn't wanted to have sex since becoming pregnant.
Trenton is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 10-30-2011, 04:07 PM   #251 (permalink)
Member
 
Therealbrighteyes's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: Texas
Posts: 6,647
Default Re: Ladies with babies, please answer

Quote:
Originally Posted by Sawney Beane View Post
With all due respect I'm not here to take sides in a p*ssing contest. No-one here has a monopoly on the truth.

At the moment, Joe's golf bag has one club in it, and he's being offered one more. I think he needs more options, from everyone here.

I don't think that the OP's purpose is served by this descending into a men versus women brawl.
No but understanding how women feel after childbirth can give him some perspective. The men here giving him advice have never been pregnant or given birth. It changes you, it just does.
I was high drive with my first, like every day kind of thing. With my second I didn't want sex during or after our son was born for nearly a year. Was it because I thought "I have him right where I want him?" No! I literally had no desire. It came back in droves after that year. Hormones got in check and yeah, life returned to normal. If at any point he did what the men here suggested, I would be gone. That is what Trenton was pointing out.
Therealbrighteyes is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 10-30-2011, 04:25 PM   #252 (permalink)
Member
 
Join Date: May 2011
Posts: 816
Default Re: Ladies with babies, please answer

Quote:
Originally Posted by Therealbrighteyes View Post
No but understanding how women feel after childbirth can give him some perspective. The men here giving him advice have never been pregnant or given birth. It changes you, it just does.
I was high drive with my first, like every day kind of thing. With my second I didn't want sex during or after our son was born for nearly a year. Was it because I thought "I have him right where I want him?" No! I literally had no desire. It came back in droves after that year. Hormones got in check and yeah, life returned to normal. If at any point he did what the men here suggested, I would be gone. That is what Trenton was pointing out.
All I am trying to point out is that this is not an either / or situation.

It is not that Trenton is right and the men are wrong, or vice versa.

ALL of the opinions, guidance, suggestions and information need to be brought in, considered and weighed BEFORE acting.

I'm not saying Joe will only get one go at this, but he needs to act like that's the case. He needs to act, but it has to be right, not just "right now".
__________________
Can you rokker Romani chib, pal?
Aye, aye, brother!
What's Weshenjuggalslomomengreskeytemskeytudlogueri?
I don't know what you say, brother.
Then you don't jin Romani chib...
Sawney Beane is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 10-30-2011, 04:37 PM   #253 (permalink)
Member
 
Therealbrighteyes's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: Texas
Posts: 6,647
Default Re: Ladies with babies, please answer

Quote:
Originally Posted by Sawney Beane View Post
All I am trying to point out is that this is not an either / or situation.

It is not that Trenton is right and the men are wrong, or vice versa.

ALL of the opinions, guidance, suggestions and information need to be brought in, considered and weighed BEFORE acting.

I'm not saying Joe will only get one go at this, but he needs to act like that's the case. He needs to act, but it has to be right, not just "right now".
Agreed.
Therealbrighteyes is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 10-30-2011, 05:06 PM   #254 (permalink)
Member
 
Enchantment's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2011
Posts: 2,350
Default Re: Ladies with babies, please answer

Joe ~

I was going back and trying to remember some of what was going through my mind, especially after having my first baby.

There were a couple of things my H and I had to really work through together.

One was that I was very afraid of getting pregnant again so soon, and I really wanted to breastfeed, so we had some limited birth control options. You need to find out how your wife feels about this. I know that you said there was a scrip for birth control pills (you might want to evaluate whether that's the best option actually) waiting for her for whenever at the pharmacy. But, I'm just saying this was something of a fear for me.

As well, I was something of a wimp and was really scared about how it might feel afterward - that it would hurt. And, of course, it did hurt because I had that internal tear with stitches, and it took months for the swelling to subside.

My H was great, though. Really understanding - gentle. We did a lot of non-intercourse things, and a lot of bonding in other ways.

Those are just a few other things to think about from her perspective. There can be a lot of little fears and concerns like that for a woman after pregnancy and they can really start to add up in a person's mind. I also know that many women are concerned about their body image afterward and if your libido is already on the floor from hormonal imbalance, intimacy can seem a daunting prospect at times.

Best wishes.
__________________
Enter these enchanted woods, You who dare. ~ George Meredith
Enchantment is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 10-30-2011, 05:37 PM   #255 (permalink)
Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2011
Posts: 238
Default Re: Ladies with babies, please answer

I noticed that by starting this second thread, I've unintentionally derailed my previous thread, which was going well and is where people will find more details about our relationship. Could we merge threads or abandon this one?

Once again, all the feedback has been helpful. In taking it all in, I've been more assertive about my needs (not just sexual needs) and have remembered to keep an open ear and be empathic.

Thanks for sharing Enchantment. She is afraid of getting pregnant, because it was a tough pregnancy and she had a c section. She also disclosed a fear that her scar from the c section would open up. Of course, I also think there were pre-existing issues on our marriage that contribute as well. Thanks for the recommendation of no more mr nice guy btw.

I think sex will take time. I have seen a willingness from her to try more things. The willingness to try is just as important to me as the sex itself. We've made out and we've been feeling each other up. I think the talks about her needing to remember her other roles (wife, friend, daughter, etc) being good for her, the marriage, and I have been helpful.
Posted via Mobile Device
JoeHenderson is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
Reply

Tags
postpartum, pregnancy, relationship, sex

Quick Reply
Message:
Options

Register Now

In order to be able to post messages on Talk About Marriage, you must first register. Please enter your desired user name, your email address and other required details in the form below.

Important! Your username will be visible to the public next to anything you post and could show up in search engines like Google. If you are concerned about anonymity, PLEASE choose a username that will not be recognizable to anyone you know.
User Name:
Password
Please enter a password for your user account. Note that passwords are case-sensitive.
Password:
Confirm Password:
Email Address
Please enter a valid email address for yourself.
Email Address:

Log-in

Human Verification

In order to verify that you are a human and not a spam bot, please enter the answer into the following box below based on the instructions contained in the graphic.



Thread Tools Search this Thread
Search this Thread:

Advanced Search

Posting Rules
You may post new threads
You may post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off


Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
Wife cheated 6 months ago, and is 6 months pregnant...advice Biscuits Coping with Infidelity 57 08-16-2012 10:05 AM
Total confusion ashleyd General Relationship Discussion 5 06-17-2010 01:01 PM
at a total loss BeccaMac General Relationship Discussion 7 03-03-2008 06:22 AM

Member Area

Find a Therapist:


Sponsor Ads


Sponsor Ads




Get The Family & Marriage Counseling Directory Help Guide via Email:
Name:
Email:




All times are GMT -5. The time now is 07:08 PM.



Copyright 2007 - 2013 © Talk About Marriage

SEO by vBSEO 3.6.0 PL2 ©2011, Crawlability, Inc.