Hicks

Sexuality is at the core of marriage. It's not a selfish need on the part of a male or a female. It is what differentiates a marriage from any other relationship in life.

No sex whatsoever for 18 months, with rejection, and without explanation. Is there a person on this board who thinks that this is acceptable in a marriage?

When a person does not "feel" like sex, they can use their own mind to control their own thoughts and feelings to choose to do anything. That's why it's unproductive for the OP or anyone else to try to "diagnose" his wife from afar. If there is an exceedingly rare medical condition that truly prevents her from having sexual intercourse, then she should have a diagnoses well before 18 months.

The only thing missing is the OP is allowing his marriage to be a coparenting cohabitation instead of a sexual relationship.

Tall Average Guy

Again you start with the “lecturing.” Who said anything about lecturing? What about gently but firmly conveying the fact that he needs physically intimacy to feel close and loved by his wife, to strength the marriage. To belittle this as merely physical relief is surprising.

Further, to liken it to a situation where a person goes without sex because there is no one around is at best failing to understand the real issue. He is married to a woman that he loves, has been around her for at least 18 months, she professes to love him, but yet they do not have sex. Heck, he can’t even show affection and touch her. At least with no one around, there is not the constant reminder that the woman he loves does not want to be physically close to him.

This is a wonderful thought and I am in complete agreement. Had you posted this first, I would have had no issue other than add that to help push herself out of suspended animation, he needs to make her aware of his needs, which include the physical intimacy to show his love.

I am still not clear how you equate his making his needs know with “demands that his needs be met.” If she is not aware of what his needs are, it makes it much more difficult to lead her to that place. As his attempts to get there have been unsuccessful so far, I fail to see how being even more solicitous to her needs and ignoring his own, as you originally seemed to suggest, was helpful. Otherwise, I have no issue, other than you still seem to have a fundamental misunderstanding about a man’s need for sex with his wife. It is not merely about the physical act that provides relief. It is about the sharing and loving that comes from it, the feeling of closeness that results, and the understanding that it is the one place that you and she alone are a part of.

Runs like Dog

So OP ask yourself what you're willing to tolerate. 20 months? 20 years? The 'screw yourself I'm the mommy now' phase of life is what it is. I thought it would end someday on its own like a headache. Nope. And when I reflect on it I see now it's my own damn fault for not noticing reality for what it was. I was being used. I am a sperm donor and means of financial support. And that's it.

Tall Average Guy

May be I just don't understand, because I am having the same reaction to Catherine's posts, but why is he suppose to continue doing the same thing, perhaps even be nicer and expect a different result. I have looked at OP's posts, and it looks like he is trying to do these very things. The result has been 9 months of no sex while she was pregnant and nine months of no sex following the C-Section. In fact, he can't even touch her.

I am not advocating that he be a jerk, that he "demand" anything, or that he turn into Kim Jong. I am also not saying that he should not be supportive about the changes that have come for her and her life, or that he should be demanding sex the day she comes back from the hospital. My wife and I have three children, all C-Sections and I understand intellectually some of the things she went through.

But to advise him to continue to suck it up and be supportive seems silly. He is doing that and she is staying the same. I do think he needs to sit down with her, explain why physical contact and intimacy are important to him and his marriage. He should request that she get a full check up to rule out physcial issues, and suggest marriage counseling to help both of them get a handle on these changes. But I see nothing wrong with him explaining to her that a sexless marraige with no end in sight is not an acceptable outcome.

IanIronwood

I said stand up for his interests. And I chose my words most carefully. I didn't say a husband had a right to have sex with his wife -- he doesn't (in most American jurisdictions, anyway).

But that isn't the same as advocating in his own interest. His wife certainly is doing that by saying she doesn't feel that way anymore -- it's in her interest to focus the majority of her love and attention on the kid, not the spouse. But if he doesn't maintain that his interests are just as important as hers, then he is essentially handing her the control of the entire relationship, not just the sexual aspects.

Sex is important to him. He's said as much. If he backs off of that position because she has an emotional outburst, then he is indicating that he is willing to compromise on something very, very important to him . . . without any concessions in return. She will have essentially out-yelled him to get her way, no matter what tone she took. If he accepts that unchallenged then he has set the precedent that her interests, not his, are the only ones that matter in the relationship. How is that going to move their relationship forward?



LOL! Considering my wife (a professional at the top of her field, from the top of her class, just got back from receiving an international award for essentially being both brainy and right) has nominated me for local "Father of the Year" four times, now, and considering that she will literally not shut up about how wonderful her husband is . . . well, in addition to my Alpha traits (work in porn, successful writer, making money at it, physically appealing, charismatic personality) I have a full slate of beta-skills (I do all the cooking, laundry, housekeeping, yardwork, prepare the children for school and drive them, pick them up, oversee their homework, do my daughter's hair, manage carpools, am a scout leader, and STILL find time to fully support her in her very demanding career) PLUS find time to take her to romantic outings, write her unsolicited poetry, paint a 10x12' mural symbolizing our 20 year relationship on our bedroom wall, and greet her every morning without fail with a well-deserved coffee, a kiss and breakfast . . . well, she seems pretty happy with me.

Oh, and I hate professional sports. In 20 years, she hasn't lost me to a game ONCE. Any game. At any time. Ever.

So if you want to thank God you aren't married to me, be my guest. If my attitudes about men and women and their varied interests concern you, and you feel that they must OF COURSE be coming from a slope-headed neanderthal, think again. I'm just a man smart enough to know his interests and know his worth . . . and smart enough to find a woman worthy of that attention.

FirstYearDown

This happens more often, than most people care to admit.

Some wives fail to remember that if it wasn't for their husband, they would not have their beautiful babies to zero in on.

She doesn't allow her husband to touch her, so he might as well be living alone. What's the difference?

I have never heard of a woman needing 18 months to heal from having a C section or giving birth. She might be traumatised and maybe she is scared of getting pregnant again.

JoeHenderson

Hi All,

Once again, thanks to everyone for chiming in. I brought up the conversation again last night as I was trying to be intimate with her (not sex, just subtle kisses on the neck and carefully exploring w/ my hands, not on erogenous zones) when she told me she felt uncomfortable. I asked her what she meant by that and she explained that her body feels like a vessel for our child and does not see herself as someone sexual. I explained that I never stopped thinking of her as such and told her that I would like to help her feel more like herself again. She seemed to take that well, but later said that she would probably feel up to intimacy again when she stopped breastfeeding and that is a common phenomenon. She plans to stop breastfeeding when the baby is approximately 12-14 months. I shared that I wanted to be supportive, but I am saddened by the loss of the part of our relationship and would hope to not have to wait another 4-6 months for that part of our relationship to rekindle.
She said she understood my feelings and felt bad that I was saddened and disappointed, but reasserted that it will not get better until she stops breastfeeding. I asked her if there were any other factors impacting the need to wait (e.g., my attractiveness, her perceived attractiveness, mood, etc.), but denied those as reasons.

I asked her if it would make sense to see a doctor if there was a medical explanation for this, but she did not think that was necessary. Perhaps, I made her feel like she was abnormal, but was just trying to find a solution.

I'm trying to be supportive, be charming, romantic, considerate, helpful around the house, but feel down that she does not want anything more in our relationship right now. She said I'm a great husband and father, but I wonder why she treats me more like a friend than anything else.

In any case, I'm bothered by the fact that she just wants to ride this out and not consider a solution.

Tall Average Guy

Is 4-6 months acceptable to you? What happens if things don't pick up at that point (remembering that by then you will have a toddler that require a lot of energy to deal with)?

that_girl

People make parenting so difficult. I have a 3 year old and a 12 year old and I have a classroom full of 30 ten year olds.

It's not that difficult. We play at home, but they kids are in bed by 8:30 and my hubs and I hang out alone until about 10:30 or 11. I sleep until 5:15 and I'm good to go. We are not exhausted or sitting around complaining about how the kids make our lives suck. Our relationship comes first...even when we were at odds with each other.

I just don't understand how some women make it so difficult sounding to raise children. You guide them and help them along their path...teach manners, or whatever is important to you and then set them free.

My oldest had sensory processing disorder. It was rough raising her as a baby and toddler...but I still found time for me and my personal life. She wanted for nothing.

I get frustrated with how many of these posts talk about how difficult it is to raise and deal with children. It's really not. People these days tend to make their children their whole worlds...I don't agree with that. Children grow up and move away...hopefully you have guided them to be productive individuals.

But with our 3 year old...she doesn't suck our energy or make us so tired we can't find time to share a beer and smoke and then go make love before bed.

Make your priorities, people. Find the time. Geez.

/rant.

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JoeHenderson

I agree, That_Girl. I was taught by my family that my child should mean the world to me, but to never put my wife in the backseat. We're still a couple and that love is the reason we even have a family. Our child is active, but an easy baby, overall. I just don't think her viewpoint is the same as mine and worries me about our future.

Hicks

You are at a critical juncture in your marriage.
If you agree to wait for 4-6 months, then you are digging your hole deeper. A non sexual wife will always have a valid excuse... Wait till she tells you that she is too old to feel sexual when she hits 30. What will you do then?

Avoid conversations that provide her with an opportunity to explain why she is not or cannot be sexual and replace them with conversations where you communicate your expectations in your marriage.

IanIronwood

(*Sigh*) There she goes, being all reasonable.

To her, this is hard-core Mommy Time, and sex just isn't a thought she has, no matter what that means to you. Your unhappiness one way or another is tertiary -- not even secondary -- to her world. That sucks, but it's not uncommon. The good news is few women can hold out 10-12 months. Kids get teeth, and they aren't satisfied with breast-milk for very long.

Nor is her contention that sexual feelings will return after weaning. The problem is, it doesn't always happen. But if that's her contention, then the best option for your marriage is to ride it out, as painful as it is. You've let her know you are bothered by the lack of sex. Yet she probably doesn't understand (most women don't) about the Buzz that distracts you from pretty much everything else. She doesn't understand that this is a deep emotional need. She needs to.

So do this: every time you're feeling sexually frustrated, buy a can of formula. Start stacking them up in the kitchen. Don't say a word about it unless asked. And when she does ask (and she will) just tell her, quietly, that you are eagerly anticipating the day that the baby is finally weened. Hopefully she'll get the message: I am waiting patiently for you to come around, but my patience has limits.

I'd also be a lot less giving for a while, too. Emotional distance, no physical contact, just turn the whole thermostat down for the foreseeable future and see if that gets her attention. She needs to know that while you are supporting her in this, it is causing you serious emotional pain. Because if you were causing her serious emotional pain, you can bet you'd hear about it.

The good news is, you will have plenty of formula when the time comes, and it sucks to run out. The bad news is . . . well, you're already not getting laid. You might as well make a point and not get laid.

jenis

If I said that to my H, I would not blame him for leaving me. It's unacceptable for her to make no effort and zero compromise.

And I agree with you that_girl, raising a child (one child at that) doesn't leave a vacuum for anything else.

that_girl

Also, give your children bedtimes and stick to them. I have friends who let their kids go to sleep whenever they want and then they complain they never have time alone.

Wtf? My kids go to bed by 8:30...maybe they aren't tired, but I'm done. lol... This allows Hubs and I to have time in the house without kids buggin.

Something happened over the last 30 years where children have started running the households...i don't get it.

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jenis

LOL, I remember in the early 90's reading a book (or maybe a pamphlet?) titled 'The Family Bed'. We never considered it, but knew two couples that had children who refused to sleep in their own beds. They were miserable.......