Sex in MarriageSexual problems are common in many relationships. This section is for discussions about sexuality. Please limit discussions to those asking for help with a problem and those offering advice. Any other threads may be deleted.
Re: No sex during or after pregnancy (18 months total)
Quote:
Originally Posted by jenis
LOL, I remember in the early 90's reading a book (or maybe a pamphlet?) titled 'The Family Bed'. We never considered it, but knew two couples that had children who refused to sleep in their own beds. They were miserable.......
Omg...my children have been in their own beds/rooms from 6 months on (I breastfed so it was easier to have them in our room/bed). However, sex was often and wonderful. They would sleep in their crib, and we'd get busy (even if quiet lol).
Our bedroom is devoid of toys, kid stuff, and tv. It's for sleep and sex and us. Period. We don't really even let the kids in. lol. They come in during the morning sometimes for snuggles, but then we move out to the living room. Everyone needs their own space. Our bedroom is not a communal area.
I just think people use children as an excuse. "I'm too tired to ------" whatever the reason is. I have friends who say they can't visit because Johnny didn't get his nap. Wow. Ok. I just put my kid in the car and we go to what we had planned (unless they're sick). Johnny can sleep for 20 minutes in the car. I honestly don't see how this can happen unless every waking moment is dedicated to catering to your child/ren. Emotionally, I can be very drained (pre-teens are beasts! LOL) but...what better way to relax than getting busy with my husband, then having a glass of wine and a smoke in the yard?
It's about priorities. It's about wearing different hats. I have a mom hat, a wife hat, a hooker hat , a friend hat, etc.
Re: No sex during or after pregnancy (18 months total)
Quote:
Originally Posted by jenis
LOL, I remember in the early 90's reading a book (or maybe a pamphlet?) titled 'The Family Bed'. We never considered it, but knew two couples that had children who refused to sleep in their own beds. They were miserable.......
I know some families that do this. Never understood how they had more than one child.
Re: No sex during or after pregnancy (18 months total)
Quote:
Originally Posted by jenis
LOL, I remember in the early 90's reading a book (or maybe a pamphlet?) titled 'The Family Bed'. We never considered it, but knew two couples that had children who refused to sleep in their own beds. They were miserable.......
We compromise with 15 minutes of cuddles before bed . . . and then it's adult time. And if that doesn't work, there's Melatonin.
Too many parents with too much guilt over how they're messing up their kids, instead of acting like parents. Kids are going to get messed up. It's not a matter of 'if', it's a matter of 'how'. Once you accept that, you can send the little buggers off to bed every night with a clear conscience.
Also got a chance to read "Go The F#ck To Bed" this weekend, the faux-children's book about a parent's exasperation trying to get their kid down for the night. It's priceless.
Re: No sex during or after pregnancy (18 months total)
People in other cultures have sex all the time around their children while they are sleeping. It's not dirty.
I would just hate sleeping with my child every night. She is a squirming little chicken butt! LOL! I have been punched, slapped, kicked...during the few times she's slept with us because of being ill.
I just know too many women who talk about motherhood like they are the first women to go through it. It's really not that difficult. You don't have to be a martyr. You don't have to be their playmate. Be a mom, be a wife, be a lover.
Re: No sex during or after pregnancy (18 months total)
Quote:
Originally Posted by JoeHenderson
Hi All,
Once again, thanks to everyone for chiming in. I brought up the conversation again last night as I was trying to be intimate with her (not sex, just subtle kisses on the neck and carefully exploring w/ my hands, not on erogenous zones) when she told me she felt uncomfortable. I asked her what she meant by that and she explained that her body feels like a vessel for our child and does not see herself as someone sexual. I explained that I never stopped thinking of her as such and told her that I would like to help her feel more like herself again. She seemed to take that well, but later said that she would probably feel up to intimacy again when she stopped breastfeeding and that is a common phenomenon. She plans to stop breastfeeding when the baby is approximately 12-14 months. I shared that I wanted to be supportive, but I am saddened by the loss of the part of our relationship and would hope to not have to wait another 4-6 months for that part of our relationship to rekindle.
She said she understood my feelings and felt bad that I was saddened and disappointed, but reasserted that it will not get better until she stops breastfeeding. I asked her if there were any other factors impacting the need to wait (e.g., my attractiveness, her perceived attractiveness, mood, etc.), but denied those as reasons.
I asked her if it would make sense to see a doctor if there was a medical explanation for this, but she did not think that was necessary. Perhaps, I made her feel like she was abnormal, but was just trying to find a solution.
I'm trying to be supportive, be charming, romantic, considerate, helpful around the house, but feel down that she does not want anything more in our relationship right now. She said I'm a great husband and father, but I wonder why she treats me more like a friend than anything else.
In any case, I'm bothered by the fact that she just wants to ride this out and not consider a solution.
Yah. This bothers me too. It is normal for a mom to feel like a 'milk machine' and something not quite like a normal person anymore, especially when breastfeeding. Once the baby starts on solid foods, the time you spend breastfeeding drops dramatically, though. However, I know that it can take a long time for those hormones to level back out (sometimes 2 years). Sex After Childbirth: Resuming Your Sexlife After Birth
BUT, I don't think that's a reason for a wife to throw her husband out to hang in the breeze. When I would be totally kaput, worst case I would lay in bed next to my husband holding him while he would masturbate. Just to have some kind of intimate connection. Would she be willing to be intimate with you in this kind of way? No pressure on her side?
Joe, I would not let this drop. I wouldn't throw it in her face all the time, but I would not let it go. I gave you some other suggestions in a previous post, do you think she would be up for those - trying to stay connected in other ways?
Re: No sex during or after pregnancy (18 months total)
Quote:
Originally Posted by IanIronwood
We compromise with 15 minutes of cuddles before bed . . . and then it's adult time. And if that doesn't work, there's Melatonin.
Too many parents with too much guilt over how they're messing up their kids, instead of acting like parents. Kids are going to get messed up. It's not a matter of 'if', it's a matter of 'how'. Once you accept that, you can send the little buggers off to bed every night with a clear conscience.
Also got a chance to read "Go The F#ck To Bed" this weekend, the faux-children's book about a parent's exasperation trying to get their kid down for the night. It's priceless.
I bought this book for my sister in law, who I will meet for the first time tomorrow. My niece is 17 months old, so I'm sure the book will resonate with them.
When I read that book, I remember how I tormented my parents from ages 3-8 before bed. I was always a night owl, so I would ask for extra kisses, water, another story...you name it.
I was the only child out of four that slept with my parents for about a year. I was very ill will asthma, which required at least a weekly emergency room visit. It made sense for my parents to be able to reach me immediately, so that they could act faster. Seconds are crucial when a toddler can barely breathe.
One of the reasons I decided not to have a baby, was a colicky infant I took care of. She was six months old and this little girl would not sleep alone in a crib. She had to be in someone's arms or on their chest lying down. She was kicked out of a home daycare for being too demanding. Her screaming made me cry with frustration sometimes; I even remember having to put the poor child down and walk away for a minute because I was shaking.
*shudder* If I had to deal with that while hormones were wreaking havoc with my mind, I would probably have a nervous breakdown. My best friend is waking up every three hours with her new daughter-ugh! I need my sleep and my quiet.
Re: No sex during or after pregnancy (18 months total)
Quote:
Originally Posted by Tall Average Guy
I am still not clear how you equate his making his needs know with “demands that his needs be met.” If she is not aware of what his needs are, it makes it much more difficult to lead her to that place. As his attempts to get there have been unsuccessful so far, I fail to see how being even more solicitous to her needs and ignoring his own, as you originally seemed to suggest, was helpful. Otherwise, I have no issue, other than you still seem to have a fundamental misunderstanding about a man’s need for sex with his wife. It is not merely about the physical act that provides relief. It is about the sharing and loving that comes from it, the feeling of closeness that results, and the understanding that it is the one place that you and she alone are a part of.
Tall thats my point. I am not saying that declairing his needs is demanding i am saying it appears to be a demand. I am trying to help him see how a woman might see a discussion about needs. It just does not explain what he is wanting.
What you said in the highlighted text - that is not a demand that is waht you want it is a loving invitation for her to connect with her husband.
What I am suggesting is that he has to remind her that this is how they fell in love and to sustain that love they have to make love. I am a woman so I am trying to tell you what I hear that may be hindering his message getting across.
When sex is presented as something for the man that the woman gives, you are starting from a bad place. Not many woman view sex that way.
Women have sex for many reasons but not primarily to satisfy a man's needs. That may be seen as too subservient and backwards.
You may think that she is not being fair to expect more out of the experience than satisfying his needs but why not accept and use it to move ahead.
I suggested that he change a few words to say what he really means so she can hear him. It is a suggestion based on my experience in my marriage.
You said it elegantly in your post and you expressed much more than a need.
Re: No sex during or after pregnancy (18 months total)
Quote:
Originally Posted by Catherine602
Tall thats my point. I am not saying that declairing his needs is demanding i am saying it appears to be a demand. I am trying to help him see how a woman might see a discussion about needs. It just does not explain what he is wanting.
What you said in the highlighted text - that is not a demand that is waht you want it is a loving invitation for her to connect with her husband.
What I am suggesting is that he has to remind her that this is how they fell in love and to sustain that love they have to make love. I am a woman so I am trying to tell you what I hear that may be hindering his message getting across.
When sex is presented as something for the man that the woman gives, you are starting from a bad place. Not many woman view sex that way.
Women have sex for many reasons but not primarily to satisfy a man's needs. That may be seen as too subservient and backwards.
You may think that she is not being fair to expect more out of the experience than satisfying his needs but why not accept and use it to move ahead.
I suggested that he change a few words to say what he really means so she can hear him. It is a suggestion based on my experience in my marriage.
You said it elegantly in your post and you expressed much more than a need.
Since I last posted, I have read a couple of your posts in other threads, including your “disagreements” with the word need and how it applies to sex in a marriage. While I disagree with your disagreement, I better understand your position, and suspect that our disagreement was based much more on the word choice than the actual position we both intended.
Having said all of that, I do believe that the OP needs to address this head on. His wife’s language of “being a vessel for the child” sounds a little to close to the Mother Goddess, finally revealing herself in all her glory, deciding that she can no longer be concerned with the base needs of mere mortals. That is a recipe for disaster in their marriage. A minimum of two years without sex (which is what she is proposing) is very likely to lead to resentment. Certainly resentment for his wife, and if he is not careful, resentment for his child. While I am sure he would never consciously do that, it is something to be very careful about.
Re: No sex during or after pregnancy (18 months total)
Yes, I do feel some resentment toward my wife, but also am upset at myself that I've contributed by minimizing my needs. I want to keep on communicating this to her, but also don't want to drive her away.
I definitely don't want to resent my child. My child is innocent in this and deserves to be loved. This is between my wife and me.
Re: No sex during or after pregnancy (18 months total)
Quote:
Originally Posted by JoeHenderson
Yes, I do feel some resentment toward my wife, but also am upset at myself that I've contributed by minimizing my needs. I want to keep on communicating this to her, but also don't want to drive her away.
Joe, that fear of driving her away will really stop you from making any progress. She has no fear about driving you away by withholding your most important emotional need. She has no fear. Flip it around. What would happen if you did not meet her most important emotional need for 18 months. Do you think she would stay with you? There is no balance in this relationship, and it starts with you being equal to your wife in what you will accept and what you will or will not fear.
Quote:
Originally Posted by JoeHenderson
I definitely don't want to resent my child. My child is innocent in this and deserves to be loved. This is between my wife and me.
Absolutely. Your child is not the cause. The interaction between yourself and her is the cause.
Re: No sex during or after pregnancy (18 months total)
I wanted to briefly respond to I believe enlightenment who suggested other forms of sexual contact, including masturbation, while my wife holds me. She wasn't thrilled about such alternatives as there was no pleasure involved for her, but then she also doesn't want it if I offer it. She knows I'm upset about this but only prescribes patience. Well it's hard to be patient when I think and see sex 24/7. Posted via Mobile Device
Re: No sex during or after pregnancy (18 months total)
Quote:
Originally Posted by JoeHenderson
I wanted to briefly respond to I believe enlightenment who suggested other forms of sexual contact, including masturbation, while my wife holds me. She wasn't thrilled about such alternatives as there was no pleasure involved for her, but then she also doesn't want it if I offer it. She knows I'm upset about this but only prescribes patience. Well it's hard to be patient when I think and see sex 24/7. Posted via Mobile Device
Wtf? there are many things I do for my husband that don't give me pleasure.
Laundry, cleaning, cooking his dinner when he gets home from work at 8:30pm...but it's not about me! It's about the marriage and about his needs. It's about me stepping out of myself and caring for this man that I promised to love. No ego.
Your wife needs a good kick in the va-jayjay. Seriously. Even with sex, sometimes I'm not in the mood (rarely), but I'll still do things to please him because at that moment he wants it and I am more than happy to make him happy. Those are usually the nights I get super freaky with bjs and other things that don't require me to get naked.
Re: No sex during or after pregnancy (18 months total)
Tall I have been thinking. The word need - I need to talk to my husband in order to feel connected to him, I need his non sexual thouch and affection in order to feel desire for him and I need to feel safe in order to be sexually uninhibited. These are needs that if not met will severly hinder my happiness in my marriage. I would resent my husband if he deneyed me what I needed to maintain my connection to me. I would feel he did not care what happened to me
When I think of that I understand a little better what a mature man means about needs. Male sexual needs sex reminds me of teen aged boys trying to pressure girls to give them a bj for relief. They need the bj for themselves or sex the girl is just a convient mouth or vag.
Some less mature men may view sex as satisfying their need for sex, period. Sex is about their relief and pleasure this is the same as immature women wanting to be showered with conversation, gifts and affection for their personal feel good dose and not as a conduit to connect emotionally with their partner.
I think i understand better that the desire for sex is a need for continued attachment just like my need for affection for me is a need for continued attachment with my husband. Posted via Mobile Device
Re: No sex during or after pregnancy (18 months total)
Quote:
Originally Posted by Catherine602
I think i understand better that the desire for sex is a need for continued attachment just like my need for affection for me is a need for continued attachment with my husband. Posted via Mobile Device
Men need to have sex to feel close. Women need to feel close to have sex.
Re: No sex during or after pregnancy (18 months total) 
, a friend hat, etc.
She was kicked out of a home daycare for being too demanding. Her screaming made me cry with frustration sometimes; I even remember having to put the poor child down and walk away for a minute because I was shaking. 
