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Sex in Marriage Sexual problems are common in many relationships. This section is for discussions about sexuality. Please limit discussions to those asking for help with a problem and those offering advice. Any other threads may be deleted.

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Old 10-06-2011, 12:13 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Default Sexy text messages

So I have been sending my hubby sexy text messages during the day and while he has responded to other texts I've sent him, he's ignored the sexy ones.

This morning I told him that I was disappointed to not get any response. He got really testy about it and said something along the lines of "I can't just drop what I am doing to respond. It's hard to shift gears like that at work."

I do understand that maybe he can't respond right then and there, but no response whatsoever? I just don't get that.

In general, I would love for my husband to want sex more often and to be more aggressive sexually with me. We have sex once a week and it's always excellent for both of us, and he knows that if it were up to me, I would have sex every day, or at least a few times a week. Just recently he's started shaving "down there", at my request, and that's been fun for both of us, but I feel like I need more. He always seems to get really defensive when I bring it up, no matter how gently. So the quality is there but the quantity is lacking.

He's also 7 years older than I am and part of me is worried that he just can't keep up anymore. I work out and am active and he does nothing to stay in shape (I don't expect a hard body, just want his ticker to keep on ticking!), and I guess I wish we were on the same page there. He has no ED problems or anything like that, but often he'd rather sleep that screw.

I'm rambling. I love my husband so much and he's so wonderful in so many ways, but I crave more sex and sexuality in our marriage. I am a young looking and young at heart 44 year old woman. This is my prime!

Any ideas?
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Old 10-06-2011, 12:22 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: Sexy text messages

My husband doesn't respond to my sexy texts, but he likes them. He says he doesn't respond because he is already worked up by getting them and responding would make him even more aroused lolll.

But he comes home happy and ready I just texted him earlier to have a good day at work and that I can't wait to violate him when he gets home. He said, "violate?" I said, yea...with my mouth LOL
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Old 10-06-2011, 12:32 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: Sexy text messages

See, that is great. I am not getting that. It's like I've never sent them. And we have to wait for the perfect time in the week to have sex.....kind of takes some of the lusty fun out of it!
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Old 10-06-2011, 12:33 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: Sexy text messages

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Originally Posted by Laurae1967 View Post
So I have been sending my hubby sexy text messages during the day and while he has responded to other texts I've sent him, he's ignored the sexy ones.

This morning I told him that I was disappointed to not get any response. He got really testy about it and said something along the lines of "I can't just drop what I am doing to respond. It's hard to shift gears like that at work."

I do understand that maybe he can't respond right then and there, but no response whatsoever? I just don't get that.

In general, I would love for my husband to want sex more often and to be more aggressive sexually with me. We have sex once a week and it's always excellent for both of us, and he knows that if it were up to me, I would have sex every day, or at least a few times a week. Just recently he's started shaving "down there", at my request, and that's been fun for both of us, but I feel like I need more. He always seems to get really defensive when I bring it up, no matter how gently. So the quality is there but the quantity is lacking.

He's also 7 years older than I am and part of me is worried that he just can't keep up anymore. I work out and am active and he does nothing to stay in shape (I don't expect a hard body, just want his ticker to keep on ticking!), and I guess I wish we were on the same page there. He has no ED problems or anything like that, but often he'd rather sleep that screw.

I'm rambling. I love my husband so much and he's so wonderful in so many ways, but I crave more sex and sexuality in our marriage. I am a young looking and young at heart 44 year old woman. This is my prime!

Any ideas?
Some dudes are just highly focused on their work, and have a really hard time shifting gears. Don't blame him for it -- that's part of his work ethic -- just make certain he leaves it at work.

I would start some post-work evening ritual designed to help him make the shift. Most guys want a half-hour or so of "down time" when they first get home, if they don't have work to finish. Is there any way you can segue from that sort of thing to sex?

You might ask him, in a friendly and non-judgmental way, why he has such a hard time (without automatically assuming that the issue is you or it is your fault). If it's pure work-stress, then I suggest a relaxing massage. If he's a "weekends-only" sort of dude, suggest that you're concerned with his level of stress, and you know that sex is a big pressure-valve for dudes. Feel free to remind him, gently, that you'd love a mid-week tryst of some sort, and you want to understand his perspective before you try to push for that so you won't step on his toes.

And if it takes him a couple of days to come up with an answer, be patient. When it comes to our inner feelings we have a hard time formulating a useful response. But if we're given enough space and enough incentive, we're often able to rise to the occasion.
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Old 10-06-2011, 01:20 PM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: Sexy text messages

When I've read a few of your posts about your husband, my first thought has always been that maybe he feels a tremendous amount of pressure to perform for you and therefore, he pulls away.

Have you tried dialing back the intensity a bit? Being more subtle? Would he respond better if you said nothing, but gave out 'vibes' at home - being non-chalant, but dressing a little sexier, innocently 'flashing' him?

As well, have you explored if there may be any other reasons why his libido might be down? Been through the gamut of potential physical issues (low T, low thyroid), EA/PA, excessive porn use/masturbation, etc.? We had one poster on here a while back who was in the same boat. It took some amount of investigating, but she found out her husband was using a lot of porn and masturbating so he basically had none left for her. That's just one of many things it could be.

And, alas, has he always been like this, or is it just recently? I just read the other day where it's estimated that 1 out of 5 men have lower libidoes.

God Bless.
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Old 10-06-2011, 02:31 PM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: Sexy text messages

I don't feel like I pressure my husband for sex but he may very well feel pressured. I am usually the instigator ("Hey, babe, want to take a jacuzzi tonight?") but I am not hounding him for it all the time. When I don't initiate, we could go weeks without sex. Ugh.

Maybe I am too much for him. I am sexually confident but I'm not rubbing up against him like a cat in heat on a daily basis. But honestly, if he were receptive, I would!

He has depression and funky work hours (he's a cop) so that plays into it I'm sure. He does not masturbate at all....ever, nor does he look at porn unless I show it to him (though porn doesn't seem to enhance anything for either one of us....iwe both find it boring and have more fun with each other). He is healthy and has no problems getting and maintaining an erection, and he has no problem cumming.

I guess I'm just sexually frustrated. I feel like I have no outlet for all of the things I want to do and express with him. I also feel like he keeps his libido hidden or in check or maybe it's just not there. He is passionate when we are in the act, but not in general. He is starting therapy soon so maybe that will help.
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Old 10-06-2011, 05:20 PM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: Sexy text messages

I would fully dig it if my wife did that just once on her own accord. I try but rarely a response, an if there is its very general an never indulgent, says she's asexual, gets embarrassed / uncomfortable. I cant begin to explaine the hang ups there its a hard situation to live in once a week at best 99% on my initiation she would probably be content with once to twice a month or not at all for that matter. Hence my reason for doing so but im probably completely wrong for it, I don't know, very flustered. Im much more driven than that, but now having issues myself due to what I feel is lack of intrest an dersire with/for me. History predicates future I guess maybe ill start a whole post of how it all is in the relationship.
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Old 10-06-2011, 05:25 PM   #8 (permalink)
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Default Re: Sexy text messages

I recommend you just keep being the tiger. Keep rubbing against him like a cat in heat. Just donít expect anything. If you enjoy what you are doing, and enjoy what you get when you get it, then decide to be happy with that, and enjoy whatever comes. (Umm maybe wrong word there)

If you stop asking for more, and asking what you can do to get more, you just might find out you will get more. Donít ask, donít expect, just take him whenever you want. You have had no problem initiating. So keep on keeping on. I bet that once he begins to notice you arenít asking, he will begin to initiate on his own. Just too much pressure. Make home a relaxing and wonderful place.
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Old 10-06-2011, 06:34 PM   #9 (permalink)
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Default Re: Sexy text messages

Is he on medication for his depression that could be affecting his libido?

And, he's always been like this or just more recently?

What was your relationship like before? Did he ever more heavily pursue you in the past and get turned down?

Best wishes.
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Old 10-07-2011, 05:41 AM   #10 (permalink)
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Default Re: Sexy text messages

Enchantment has my endorsement (yet again!)

Laurae firstly I believe your sex life can certainly improve so please don't feel disheartened or give up! I'm going to try my best to summarize what I've learned over the last 6 months. Everyone's situation is different. As Enchantment has already mentioned, there could be a number of reasons. H and I were still affectionate, I was initiating and sex was good for the most part when it did happen but frequency and passion were dropping off. I couldn't understand, like how you feel with the sexy text messages. It became a big issue for me and like most of these scenarios, other things started to surface too. I hope you can patiently scratch beneath the surface to find what is going on - if it's more than just his work focus.

With our story, we had some big life changes happening. I ended up questioning everything and failed to see how much these changes were affecting him and causing stress and insecurity. There was no ED, although he did have his T-levels tested and he was on the lower side of normal. We discovered certain behavioral patterns he developed from childhood which (to try to summarize) included not feeling worthy of love. He began working on his issues that were somewhat unrelated to me/us. I began seeing how I'd been lacking from my end in the relationship, which I couldn't initially see, and then after wading through a lot of crap together, we slowly started getting our groove back.

He did tell me that he likes to pursue me. Sometimes he has felt pressure even though I never realized or intended this. When he accepted that I craved a sexual connection with him as a way of being close and sharing my love, the dynamic changed incredibly. Whilst he does like my prowess and expressed he still wants me to initiate as well (which I stopped doing when we were going through all of this), I'm now aware to approach him differently to how I was before. And he's really been stepping-up his approach with me.

Even though we'd had a sexy past (some of which I overlooked before I got out of my own head), it was like we also needed to get back to basics to get back on track. From going to bed at the same time to little romantic gestures. We both focused inwardly towards our marriage again and learned more about ourselves in the process. We still had our love, friendship, respect and affection....but there were aspects that needed change.

The turn-around has been wonderful and consistent so far. Our relationship has strengthened and not just sexually. We again have passion; he's being dirty with his wife (which I love), I'm giving him room to pursue me and recognizing that timing is everything. We make-out again, he flirts with me constantly, and we can't get enough of each other .....it's been delicious for both of us. But it was more than just sex that needed focus.

Here's a thread you might like: The Art of Subtlety
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Old 10-07-2011, 06:09 AM   #11 (permalink)
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Heartsbeating - I think you are hitting the nail on the head.

Our courtship was great with him initiating all the time. He told me he craved me constantly. When we moved in together after a year when we got engaged, things got rocky and I learned that he was having an EA with someone at work but we both blew it off as insignificant at the time. We got married a year later and then three months later I found out he was having another EA with a second woman. That was almost the deal breaker, but he wanted to make things work and I did, too. That was 5 years ago. We started MC and then three years ago, my husband stopped drinking. This was the real turning point in our marriage. It got SO much better after that.

In the past 2 years, our marriage has evolved to a higher level, one that we both thought would never be possible. We are truthfully best friends and our sex life, which had dropped off after his EAs to maybe 8 times a year, became more regular and we are now at once a week and sometimes twice a week if our schedules are conducive to it.

I guess I feel like we have hit a plateau. There has been tremendous growth, but I'd love for us to reach the next level of intimacy. I'm in IC for myself but my husband has never committed to doing his own IC until just recently. We both have issues from childhood that need to be sorted out and I am happy he's finally going to do some of that work, which has nothing to do with me but impacts his life and our marriage in some negative ways (low self-esteem, feeling unworthy of love, etc.). I have benefitted significantly from my IC and I am hoping he can see some benefits, too. He deserves it.

As an aside, we made love last night after arguing all day. I just kissed him out of the blue and it cut the tension and we went upstairs and had some very intense sex. He said it was "delicious". I agree!
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