Lost Chemistry; Any Ways to Get it Back? - Talk About Marriage

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post #1 of 47 (permalink) Old 04-09-2016, 05:05 AM Thread Starter
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Lost Chemistry; Any Ways to Get it Back?

I'm starting this post after reading the other related post where the wife didn't have any chemistry with the husband.

I'm married for three years and I've had lots of ups and downs in this time. The fact is that I unfortunately never had actual sex before my marriage, but I consider myself a very sexually active person given my experience with my exes. I married this man because he was loving, caring, understanding and intelligent. I found us very compatible. On one of our first dates I remember how aroused we both were, and I could barely breathe the whole time. However I [again unfortunately] avoided having sex that day. He was so so so passionate back then and would keep kissing me too often while he barely brushed his teeth and his breath was intolerable for me; additionally having a sensitive skin, I was getting annoyed with all the scratch his stubs caused around my lips, but I was shy to communicate that with him directly, so I just avoided the kiss whenever I felt my skin is too sore or I can't stand the breath. This went on until we got married, and our wedding day was a very very very stressful day for me for various reasons that I won't get into now. I was exhausted and I had no interest in trying sex that night, but he wanted it and again I couldn't say no. So I just tolerated it until it'd finish. This went on for our extended honeymoon and some more months. He'd want to have sex at many occasions that I wouldn't want but would think: "it's not gonna last long". 4, 5 months later I eventually found out that I'm suffering from serious fungal issues down there and inside which was a big part of why the sex was like a torture for me. After visits to the doctor and medication and avoiding sex for a while, I got better, but still I had that mindset that "it's gonna be sore". To put it in a nutshell, I've never experienced orgasm over these years, nor we've actually had much sex life; apart from a few times when I focused too hard to be present at sex and stop my mind from having other thoughts while having sex, and I got some pleasure out of it, yet without the actual orgasm which lead in a bad headache.

He apparently never understood or read my face how painful it was for me those first months, and a long while later when he learned about that, he was very upset and disappointed. Since then he started being very cautious while having sex, which was no more help for me and was only worsening the whole sex for him as well.

It's been months that we even barely have sex; whenever he's horny, he'd play with me and then masturbate. I almost never get aroused anymore. I'd masturbate here and then but that'd just make me more upset about our sex life.

In addition to all this, our relationship, in my opinion has gone much colder and I'm not sure what to do about it. Previously I'd push things to have them work, I'd like to have more frequent sex so that we can get to learn what we like and what we don't, but he's a man of his own world (possibly with traces of Asperger or OCPD which may apply to myself as well) who makes fixed routines and sticks to them. So his experience is that I don't enjoy sex, so he'll stop trying that!

It's been changing a lot oddly, and looks like he's always pages ahead of me. I did have a lot of passion for him until recent months, but his behaviors have influenced my attitude as well. An example is when he had to move to a small town due to his job and he was insisting that I must stay in the city because it's better for me there. I found it very disappointing, because back then, to me, he was the most important thing. I wouldn't want to live apart to be in the city; however with all the insisting from him for me to stay and attempt to get this fancy job that'd make it worth staying, I thought ok, I'll stay here and leave him alone for a while, maybe he wants all this gap for himself and this thought made me less warm towards him (he's too busy of a person, working over full time and studying and spending the rest of his time on the taxes and accounting side of stuff, so apart from holidays, we barely have regular times together during the week). I kept teaching myself that I must stop being too attached to him and be my own person and not feel too much towards him, and this has reduced the bond to him in our relationship.

I moved to his town a few months later after I failed at getting that job and feeling sick of the distance, etc. Now I was convinced that he was right and it would be better for me to stay, but without a job it made no sense, and I had zero interest in moving to a remote place with little to do and no one to know. I also hated having to look for a place to live in, so he went and saw this place and told me it's reasonable, and given I had zero energy to spend more time living apart, I said ok. When I moved in, I found lots of things about the house that I really disliked, but I couldn't do anything because the landperson had said we can't rent it for less than a year. So I'm trapped here for the past couple of months, counting days down to have this year end, and I have much smaller chance of getting a job here (have heard none back so far).

Another example of how we happen to be on different pages is when I had written some *positive* things about us in a journal, pointing out that I never ever thought of him as my partner the very first time we met (which was for some work reason), but look at us now, we're in love as a happy couple, blah. He was depressed for a few days back then, and then he talked to me about that, saying that he never knew that, and didn't know I was never attracted to him!! I fought against that thought a lot, because I had no doubts I loved him, and I was in love with him, and that our sex life could be improved by practice, and some thought and collaboration, but that was his logic back then. Months after, seems like I'm convinced that he was probably right; but again, we had that time when [as he explains] would even have sex on the street!

Currently, apart from the commute I'd push myself to have to go to the gym 40 minutes away, and some random walkabouts all on my own, I'm at home alone most of my time.

Before getting married, I was a very independent, active woman who worked in two places and did extra side projects on her little free time and went out with friends on the weekends. Since I've married and moved, apart from the few months that I had a job that I didn't feel super fulfilling, I've turned into a useless, unmotivated, slow, untidy person who doesn't even get to do mandatory house work, and is always stressed in the background for all the things I haven't done while the time is running, and with all things in our marriage, I'm getting more and more frustrated and upset.

I've explained my feelings to him many times, but he says he doesn't have a solution for them especially the sex issues. I've suggested visiting a [sex] therapist, and his constant response is that he can join me to go to one if I want to, but he doesn't think it's gonna help! I myself attempted seeing one once, and she was treating me very top-to-down while didn't even understand what I was talking about, and I felt there's no point of seeing her anymore.

The problem with therapists is that I have to keep trying them one by one until I find the one that suits me, and since this is not covered in insurance, that's gonna cost a fortune that I can't afford.

I also hate having to lead everything, as he can be very passive when he's caught up with all the stuff he has to do to financially.

I've attempted buying lots of books to read to seek help, I may follow them for a short time but then I'll bounce back to my frustrated, (maybe insulting) self in our discussions/arguments.

A while back there was some flirty person at the gym who just made me alert of my existing, but turned-off sexual desires as well as lighting up my heart to have some motivation to progress in my life. Obviously, as a faithful person, I was so so so frustrated at my feelings, but also upset to learn that I still have all those desires that don't ignite with my husband.

I used to get lots and lots and lots of emotional support from my family before I got married, but I've lost it all since I'm living away from them. My husband is supportive in many ways, but I still feel this gap in my heart needs to be filled to get me moving. He used to ask if he could do anything if I were upset before, but nowadays he's just ignoring me completely, especially if he has to study or work to do, because he thinks paying too much attention to me with not much progress only leads him in failing at his exams or work. All he'd say is that it's natural for me to feel horrible because I'm alone and lonely, etc. We were having some talk yesterday that turned into an argument, in response to me saying I didn't choose a bunch of stuff, he said: "but you chose to marry me", and my not-well-thought response was: "yes, but I didn't know you..." and seeing his mot super happy face, I tried cleaning up my mess by adding: "that you'd like to piss me off to get your own work done".

Sorry if this is too much of irrelevant rant, but I had thought well before getting married and I didn't have doubts back then; and my husband is a nice person in general who loves me (I think!) and I'd like to get around these problems to improve our life together rather than getting to more bitter places. So I'd appreciate any useful advice.
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post #2 of 47 (permalink) Old 04-09-2016, 11:00 AM
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Re: Lost Chemistry; Any Ways to Get it Back?

I read your post and I almost lost my chemistry to generate a response as reading your post generated a serious case of "head fog" in my brain and left me wondering about what you were asking. So if I ignore what you read and go JUST to your subject line:

Lost Chemistry; Any Ways to Get it Back?

I would say YES! As long as there are no medical and hygiene issues impeding the sparks of chemistry, it usually boils down to self confidence. You need to find a way to have a ridiculous and exaggerated amount of self confidence and use that to pursue what you want. You will also have to work on your husbands self confidence.

Somewhere in the middle of all that I strongly recommend a jar a coconut oil and at least one very nice (expensive) vibrator, and perhaps a few cřck rings.

Also be playful in the bedroom and learn that sexuality enjoys playing with backwards rules, in ways where failure is rewarding. An example might be challenging each other NOT to orgasm. It is a playful experience like a staring contest where you challenge each other NOT to laugh!

Cheers,
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post #3 of 47 (permalink) Old 04-13-2016, 05:44 PM
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Re: Lost Chemistry; Any Ways to Get it Back?

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Originally Posted by thelonesomeone View Post
I'm starting this post after reading the other related post where the wife didn't have any chemistry with the husband.

....I married this man because he was loving, caring, understanding and intelligent. I found us very compatible. On one of our first dates I remember how aroused we both were, and I could barely breathe the whole time.

...back then and would keep kissing me too often while he barely brushed his teeth and his breath was intolerable for me; additionally having a sensitive skin, I was getting annoyed with all the scratch his stubs caused around my lips, but I was shy to communicate that with him directly, so I just avoided the kiss whenever I felt my skin is too sore or I can't stand the breath.

...So I just tolerated it until it'd finish. This went on for our extended honeymoon and some more months. He'd want to have sex at many occasions that I wouldn't want but would think: "it's not gonna last long". 4, 5 months later I eventually found out that I'm suffering from serious fungal issues down there and inside which was a big part of why the sex was like a torture for me. After visits to the doctor and medication and avoiding sex for a while, I got better, but still I had that mindset that "it's gonna be sore". To put it in a nutshell, I've never experienced orgasm over these years, nor we've actually had much sex life; apart from a few times when I focused too hard to be present at sex and stop my mind from having other thoughts while having sex, and I got some pleasure out of it, yet without the actual orgasm which lead in a bad headache.

He apparently never understood or read my face how painful it was for me those first months, and a long while later when he learned about that, he was very upset and disappointed. Since then he started being very cautious while having sex, which was no more help for me and was only worsening the whole sex for him as well.

It's been months that we even barely have sex; whenever he's horny, he'd play with me and then masturbate. I almost never get aroused anymore. I'd masturbate here and then but that'd just make me more upset about our sex life.

In addition to all this, our relationship, in my opinion has gone much colder and I'm not sure what to do about it. Previously I'd push things to have them work, I'd like to have more frequent sex so that we can get to learn what we like and what we don't, but he's a man of his own world (possibly with traces of Asperger or OCPD which may apply to myself as well) who makes fixed routines and sticks to them. So his experience is that I don't enjoy sex, so he'll stop trying that!


...I kept teaching myself that I must stop being too attached to him and be my own person and not feel too much towards him, and this has reduced the bond to him in our relationship.


.....I've explained my feelings to him many times, but he says he doesn't have a solution for them especially the sex issues. I've suggested visiting a [sex] therapist, and his constant response is that he can join me to go to one if I want to, but he doesn't think it's gonna help! I myself attempted seeing one once, and she was treating me very top-to-down while didn't even understand what I was talking about, and I felt there's no point of seeing her anymore.

The problem with therapists is that I have to keep trying them one by one until I find the one that suits me, and since this is not covered in insurance, that's gonna cost a fortune that I can't afford.


...I've attempted buying lots of books to read to seek help, I may follow them for a short time but then I'll bounce back to my frustrated, (maybe insulting) self in our discussions/arguments.

.....So I'd appreciate any useful advice.
You have a really full plate.

Do you understand that two people condition or train each other (Pavlov's dogs, BF Skinner)? Your description of how you were conditioned to not want sex is classic.

Do you understand how you have also trained your husband to not want sex with you? He doesn't want to hurt you. When he needs to be emotionally close (what you call horny, but I'll bet its not) to you he will play and then masturbate. You have conditioned and trained his sexual responses.

Do you understand that you are emotionally withdrawing from active involvement in your marriage?

You need professional help. A good sex therapist, while expensive is far cheaper than two good divorce attorneys! Find a good sex therapist. They can help you "un-condition each other" and help you emotionally connect to each other. I know one helped save my marriage.

May I suggest you get and STUDY two books.

Chapman's 5 Languages of Love and M.W. Davis the Sex Starved Wife.

Study them and figure out how to apply them to your life so that you make your husband feel loved and cherished.

Then as in the words of M.W. Davis, "Get a Life!" GAL is code for a complex concept that Davis teaches. It is about you taking responsibility for your own happiness. It is about no longer being co-dependent and expecting your husband to be a source of your amusement and happiness. It is about you doing things for yourself that make you feel proud of yourself and give you meaning and confidence. That will make you much more attractive to your husband.

If he is feeling loved and cherrished by having his emotional needs (primary and secondary love languages) satisfied, and you are confident and attractive he will fall in love with you again.

Once change has happened, try the "scientific method" for making him fall in love with you and you in love with him.

http://www.nytimes.com/2015/01/11/fa...this.html?_r=0

http://www.nytimes.com/2015/01/11/fa...-or-small.html

Good luck, take control of your life, engage in fighting to save your marriage.
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post #4 of 47 (permalink) Old 04-20-2016, 06:55 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Lost Chemistry; Any Ways to Get it Back?

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You have a really full plate.

Do you understand that two people condition or train each other (Pavlov's dogs, BF Skinner)? Your description of how you were conditioned to not want sex is classic.

Do you understand how you have also trained your husband to not want sex with you? He doesn't want to hurt you. When he needs to be emotionally close (what you call horny, but I'll bet its not) to you he will play and then masturbate. You have conditioned and trained his sexual responses.

Do you understand that you are emotionally withdrawing from active involvement in your marriage?

You need professional help. A good sex therapist, while expensive is far cheaper than two good divorce attorneys! Find a good sex therapist. They can help you "un-condition each other" and help you emotionally connect to each other. I know one helped save my marriage.

May I suggest you get and STUDY two books.

Chapman's 5 Languages of Love and M.W. Davis the Sex Starved Wife.

Study them and figure out how to apply them to your life so that you make your husband feel loved and cherished.

Then as in the words of M.W. Davis, "Get a Life!" GAL is code for a complex concept that Davis teaches. It is about you taking responsibility for your own happiness. It is about no longer being co-dependent and expecting your husband to be a source of your amusement and happiness. It is about you doing things for yourself that make you feel proud of yourself and give you meaning and confidence. That will make you much more attractive to your husband.

If he is feeling loved and cherrished by having his emotional needs (primary and secondary love languages) satisfied, and you are confident and attractive he will fall in love with you again.

Once change has happened, try the "scientific method" for making him fall in love with you and you in love with him.

http://www.nytimes.com/2015/01/11/fa...this.html?_r=0

http://www.nytimes.com/2015/01/11/fa...-or-small.html

Good luck, take control of your life, engage in fighting to save your marriage.
Ah... Looks like a lot of work. I've bought different books before; haven't finished reading them all, but have put a good effort in applying the ones I've read. "Come as you are" is a book someone recommended me. I haven't started it yet, but I've just got to a point where I feel like I've pushed it too hard so far. I've pushed it too hard to get some attention from him, some passion to get that spark, but it's never worked. My problem is that he's a nice person, but doesn't flirt or engage my fantasy at all. Sort of conservative in many many many ways, while I used to be an active, outgoing, risk taking person. I feel like I've lost that all. I've turned into an idle person, with no motivation to do anything. I notice I've been criticizing *ordinary people*'s *ordinary activities*! Just because he's too critical to all those normal humane things, and I've picked that, too, and now I realize those are all human stuff that people do to feel happy in their lives, and I've lost it all. If I'm not being productive (which is the case due to my joblessness and lack of motivation), I feel so bad all the time. All his *hobbies* involve studying and learning, where I'd love to go out and explore new things and places. I'd still do this on random sunny days, but it's just too too too much of loneliness. If and when he happens to have the time, he wouldn't say no to join me for some activity, but he wouldn't be passionate about it; so he kills all the joy. All of this, plus the sex issue is just driving me mad. I've been very depressed for the past few days, because I'm just wondering if it's ever gonna work. I want a different personality type to flirt with me openly for sex and be passionate about things in general. I've attempted pushing so hard so far, and haven't got anywhere. He just doesn't seem to be understanding what I'm communicating. He sees me mad at times and tries to avoid me, while it's his own lack of passion/care that drives me crazy. I've given up already, and what he has been doing is to give me hug in the morning asking me how I slept, then go to his own cave to do his never-ending paperwork, then give me another hug and go to work until late night. And then another hug and kiss at night before going to bed. All passively and quietly. I'm completely repulsed with lots of resentment, and I don't want to put any effort into this until he does something apart from hugging and kissing passively. I don't even feel anything when he kisses me, I find it silly. I feel much worse when I find myself jealous of couples dating, or when I see a flirting man out there that turns me on. I hate myself to feel so.

P.S. I'm sorry if there's too much random info, but I don't know how to sort out my brain any better.

Last edited by thelonesomeone; 04-20-2016 at 07:07 AM.
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post #5 of 47 (permalink) Old 04-20-2016, 08:18 AM
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Re: Lost Chemistry; Any Ways to Get it Back?

Yes, it's hard to understand your random stream of consciousness. But I'd like to point out a few things that stuck out.

1. You lack motivation (currently due to lack of meaningful work/job) and spend your days in a state of not accomplishing. This bothers you but you feel hopeless about changing it and have given up.

2. You left the city, where you had a job and people who were important in your life, to be with your husband who lived and worked too far from the city to be a commuter. You feel your place "should" be with your husband but you dearly miss your old life. You feel hopeless and have given up making new friends in your new town.

3. Your sex life absolutely stinks. You are not aroused. You do not like your husband's moves. You have not ever orgasmed with your husband. You have not told your husband you are unhappy about your sex life, have not told your husband you do not get aroused and haven't told him that you resent when he plays with you then masturbates. (Any woman would feel the same way. What kind of idiotic douche bag thinks using his wife's body as masturbatory fodder is okay?)

4. You have never told your husband he has bad breath even though this has been an issue for you since before you got married.

5. You have never told your husband intercourse was painful and expected him to intuitively know this by your facial expressions.

6. You went to see a sex therapist but didn't think she was approaching your problems appropriately so you stopped going.

7. You fear therapy is too expensive to seek out a therapist with whom you will have a better rapport, so you have given up on sex therapy.

8. Now the chemistry is gone and you want to know if there are any ways to get it back.

I don't know about you but I see a pattern here. You don't communicate to your husband.

Yes ther are ways to get the chemistry back but I don't think you'd actually do any of them because they all require communication. You cannot expect your husband to read your mind. You have to be honest about what he is doing that you don't like and (even harder) you have to tell him what you DO like and what you DO want. You have to experiment with your husband and give feed back. You have to have the guts to say uncomfortable things.

Can you do that? Can you take responsibility for your unhappiness and stop blaming your husband?

"Some women are blessed with multi-orgasmic ability for a reason and I'm damn sure not going to waste a blessing" ~FrenchFry


"Vaginas are tricky creatures." ~Lucy999
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post #6 of 47 (permalink) Old 04-20-2016, 08:32 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Lost Chemistry; Any Ways to Get it Back?

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Yes, it's hard to understand your random stream of consciousness. But I'd like to point out a few things that stuck out.

1. You lack motivation (currently due to lack of meaningful work/job) and spend your days in a state of not accomplishing. This bothers you but you feel hopeless about changing it and have given up.

2. You left the city, where you had a job and people who were important in your life, to be with your husband who lived and worked too far from the city to be a commuter. You feel your place "should" be with your husband but you dearly miss your old life. You feel hopeless and have given up making new friends in your new town.

3. Your sex life absolutely stinks. You are not aroused. You do not like your husband's moves. You have not ever orgasmed with your husband. You have not told your husband you are unhappy about your sex life, have not told your husband you do not get aroused and haven't told him that you resent when he plays with you then masturbates. (Any woman would feel the same way. What kind of idiotic douche bag thinks using his wife's body as masturbatory fodder is okay?)

4. You have never told your husband he has bad breath even though this has been an issue for you since before you got married.

5. You have never told your husband intercourse was painful and expected him to intuitively know this by your facial expressions.

6. You went to see a sex therapist but didn't think she was approaching your problems appropriately so you stopped going.

7. You fear therapy is too expensive to seek out a therapist with whom you will have a better rapport, so you have given up on sex therapy.

8. Now the chemistry is gone and you want to know if there are any ways to get it back.

I don't know about you but I see a pattern here. You don't communicate to your husband.

Yes ther are ways to get the chemistry back but I don't think you'd actually do any of them because they all require communication. You cannot expect your husband to read your mind. You have to be honest about what he is doing that you don't like and (even harder) you have to tell him what you DO like and what you DO want. You have to experiment with your husband and give feed back. You have to have the guts to say uncomfortable things.

Can you do that? Can you take responsibility for your unhappiness and stop blaming your husband?
3, 4, and 5, false. I didn't communicate them right away, but did so later, not "NEVER". He figured out he needs to brush his teeth and he did so shortly. It was communicated that it was painful and he'd recommend breathing deeply!! That wouldn't help, speaking from my own body.

I did mention that I've communicated too much and he just doesn't understand it, or can't help with it. I'm sick of pushing it to communicate anymore. How about him trying a little bit to improve things?
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post #7 of 47 (permalink) Old 04-20-2016, 08:34 AM
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Re: Lost Chemistry; Any Ways to Get it Back?

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3, 4, and 5, false. I didn't communicate them right away, but did so later, not "NEVER". He figured out he needs to brush his teeth and he did so shortly. It was communicated that it was painful and he'd recommend breathing deeply!! That wouldn't help, speaking from my own body.

I did mention that I've communicated too much and he just doesn't understand it, or can't help with it. I'm sick of pushing it to communicate anymore. How about him trying a little bit to improve things?

I totally feel your frustration about not seeing your husband take meaningful steps to improve. Just so I'm clear, what exactly would you like him to do in order to improve things?

"Some women are blessed with multi-orgasmic ability for a reason and I'm damn sure not going to waste a blessing" ~FrenchFry


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post #8 of 47 (permalink) Old 04-20-2016, 08:44 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Lost Chemistry; Any Ways to Get it Back?

Badsanta, did you just delete a post of yours? I was about to reply to that and I can't find it! It's not that I've lead it all the time. I've had so much frustration at times seeing him all passive. I've communicated this clearly to him, but he'd sit down and list the times he's lead things! Yes, he can count them!

There's just so so so much frustration going around, and when he ignores this all for whatever reason that he has, it just burns me down; his silence is killing. But I think I'll just ignore that and remain in my own cave until things just happen to get better (miracles?!), or I burn down myself in further misery and depression.
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post #9 of 47 (permalink) Old 04-20-2016, 09:36 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Lost Chemistry; Any Ways to Get it Back?

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I totally feel your frustration about not seeing your husband take meaningful steps to improve. Just so I'm clear, what exactly would you like him to do in order to improve things?
Initiate a meaningful communication regarding things instead of watching silently;
Understand why I'm going mad at times, understand that it's an unconscious frustration over his passiveness;
find a consultant and approach going to one, instead of expecting me to do this, while he is the person into medicine and can find better connections at his work place with the right people.
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post #10 of 47 (permalink) Old 04-20-2016, 10:37 AM
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Re: Lost Chemistry; Any Ways to Get it Back?

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Initiate a meaningful communication regarding things instead of watching silently;
Understand why I'm going mad at times, understand that it's an unconscious frustration over his passiveness;
find a consultant and approach going to one, instead of expecting me to do this, while he is the person into medicine and can find better connections at his work place with the right people.

You sound similar to what I was frustrated with. Frustrated and not completely able to identify what EXACTLY it is that I want from my husband. It was only coming here that I figured out what exactly I wanted, and also learned when it was fair to expect him to figure it out and when it wasn't fair.

When you say consultant, do you mean a therapist? I'm assuming that's what you mean...what do you think he needs to work on? Expressing his feelings; showing empathy for your feelings, being less passive and more proactive, understanding that his passivity makes you feel like you're his mommy drawing out and interpreting his feelings for him. <--- all those were things that bother the hell out of me about my husband.

My H still forgets that communicating is not information dumping. Touch bases on the home, the family, work, friends... Information and not intimate communicating.

Showing affection in a meaningful way. 'Touching your face and gently leaning in for a kiss, whispering I Love You' is as foreign to him as laying down on the concrete and rolling under the car is to you. He might be like my husband and need to have charts, grafts, and diagrams to learn to do those sweet intimate jestures that are meaningful to me.

With regard to sex, you spoke about what had been going on that lead you to not associate intercourse with your pleasure. So I'm going to ask what sound like very intrusive questions.
1. How often do you masturbate.
2. How easily do you reach orgasm when you masturbate?
3. Have you ever masturbated and allowed your husband to watch? If not, would you feel comfortable doing this?
4. How big would you estimate your reservoir of resentment is regarding sex?
5. Does you husband ever compliment you or your body? This is something some men need to be taught. Saying, "nice boobs" to your wife may be a funny thing but he has to learn to attach a feeling to his observational discours. "Nice boobs honey. I love to watch them bounce when I'm buried inside you." Something like that might also be inappropriate if you have too much resentment about sex but if you're not resentful, something like that would be sexy.

"Some women are blessed with multi-orgasmic ability for a reason and I'm damn sure not going to waste a blessing" ~FrenchFry


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post #11 of 47 (permalink) Old 04-20-2016, 10:48 AM
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Re: Lost Chemistry; Any Ways to Get it Back?

You're all over the place.

What exactly do you want and do you want it from your husband?

Because I think there's a lot more going on here than you having a medical condition and losing your mojo.
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post #12 of 47 (permalink) Old 04-20-2016, 04:23 PM
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Re: Lost Chemistry; Any Ways to Get it Back?

Thelonesomeone;

Your post indicates that you are depressed, codependent, and emotionally withdrawing from your marriage.

My suggestion is for you to get one of M. W. Davis books and read it to the point that you understand what "Getting a Life" is about. Then start exercising. Exercise is a great anti-depressant. It also helps build self confidence. Join an inexpensive gym or local city/town sponsored exercise group. Or do what a lot of women I now do and that is find a group of women who will go for walks, hikes, bike rides, or similar things once or twice a week. Or just go out walking once a day for your own exercise. It will do wonders for your energy level and depression.

You really need to address your co-dependence issues. You should not require your husband to do activities with you when he is working. Take some responsibility for your own happiness and independence.

If you don't fix your co-dependence, depression, and emotional withdrawal the outcome will be eventual divorce. If eventual divorce is on the table, you had better for your own sake solve your independence and co-dependence issues.

As David Schnarch the marriage counselor says, marriage is the hardest thing that two people can do, if it is done right. You need to put some hard effort into your marriage rather than emotionally withdrawing.



Good luck.
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post #13 of 47 (permalink) Old 04-20-2016, 04:47 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Lost Chemistry; Any Ways to Get it Back?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Anon Pink View Post
You sound similar to what I was frustrated with. Frustrated and not completely able to identify what EXACTLY it is that I want from my husband. It was only coming here that I figured out what exactly I wanted, and also learned when it was fair to expect him to figure it out and when it wasn't fair.

When you say consultant, do you mean a therapist? I'm assuming that's what you mean...what do you think he needs to work on? Expressing his feelings; showing empathy for your feelings, being less passive and more proactive, understanding that his passivity makes you feel like you're his mommy drawing out and interpreting his feelings for him. <--- all those were things that bother the hell out of me about my husband.

My H still forgets that communicating is not information dumping. Touch bases on the home, the family, work, friends... Information and not intimate communicating.

Showing affection in a meaningful way. 'Touching your face and gently leaning in for a kiss, whispering I Love You' is as foreign to him as laying down on the concrete and rolling under the car is to you. He might be like my husband and need to have charts, grafts, and diagrams to learn to do those sweet intimate jestures that are meaningful to me.

With regard to sex, you spoke about what had been going on that lead you to not associate intercourse with your pleasure. So I'm going to ask what sound like very intrusive questions.
1. How often do you masturbate.
2. How easily do you reach orgasm when you masturbate?
3. Have you ever masturbated and allowed your husband to watch? If not, would you feel comfortable doing this?
4. How big would you estimate your reservoir of resentment is regarding sex?
5. Does you husband ever compliment you or your body? This is something some men need to be taught. Saying, "nice boobs" to your wife may be a funny thing but he has to learn to attach a feeling to his observational discours. "Nice boobs honey. I love to watch them bounce when I'm buried inside you." Something like that might also be inappropriate if you have too much resentment about sex but if you're not resentful, something like that would be sexy.
I did mean therapist by consultant. Sorry for the bad English. "What do I think he needs to work on...". I'm getting uncertain on the answer to that question. I want him to be more supportive, more leading, more proactive, more empathetic; BUT does that mean I need to change him into a different person? Would that work at all?

He does show affection, does kiss me as I mentioned in the previous post, and does say "I love you". I'm just getting senseless to all that. I like the hugs or caresses, but no kiss anymore. I truly hate him inserting his tongue into my mouth, and in fairness he hasn't done that in a long while.

Regarding your questions,

1. Less and less as the time passes. Would do once or twice a week past years; much more often before that, but around once or twice a month these days.

2. Fairly easily if I do it my own way.

3. Not really. I'm not comfortable with that. I also don't get an orgasm if he tries fingering me.

4. Don't know. I feel like I'm super prepared to sleep with a random stranger that might attract me! And I hate cheating.

5. He does. He's usually erected as soon as he sees me! He'd say things like: "I like your curves", or "hmm... I like feeling your skin". Not much variety though. He'd repeat himself a lot. I've pointed that out, too. His response is that he'd lose erection if he thinks too hard in making sentences the way I want them, and that's not how he wants sex.
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post #14 of 47 (permalink) Old 04-20-2016, 05:31 PM
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Re: Lost Chemistry; Any Ways to Get it Back?

Quote:
Originally Posted by thelonesomeone View Post
Badsanta, did you just delete a post of yours? I was about to reply to that and I can't find it! It's not that I've lead it all the time. I've had so much frustration at times seeing him all passive. I've communicated this clearly to him, but he'd sit down and list the times he's lead things! Yes, he can count them!

There's just so so so much frustration going around, and when he ignores this all for whatever reason that he has, it just burns me down; his silence is killing. But I think I'll just ignore that and remain in my own cave until things just happen to get better (miracles?!), or I burn down myself in further misery and depression.
I was editing my post based on what Anon Pink said, but then I got busy with my workday and did not get a chance to finish it.

If you have always taken the lead to initiate sex, odds are it will always be that way! While you can do something to get your partner to lead, you almost have to coach them and make it super easy for them until they build up confidence to try something all on their own.

...do I get frustrated with the same thing in my marriage? YES!

If I ask my wife what are the things she likes sexually, and she says she likes me to try new things and then she will let me know if it worked or not! Meanwhile I tell her what I like and things I would want to try and just get a "no" 99% of the time.

...will things get better on their own? NO!

If you back off and stop trying to solve your issues, the whole thing will turn into a passive aggressive temper tantrum. Things will get weird and awkward, and the next thing you know you will purposely leave your husbands car completely out of gas AND try to make him run late for something just to get revenge because you blame him for your unhappiness.

YOU have to take charge of YOUR own happiness and share that with your husband. Happiness is not something you can expect others to give you. Sometimes you have to do things that are uncomfortable to make progress!

Based on what Anon Pink Figured out, you really should read "Come as You Are!" That should be your starting point.

Regards,
Badsanta
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post #15 of 47 (permalink) Old 04-20-2016, 05:38 PM
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Re: Lost Chemistry; Any Ways to Get it Back?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Anon Pink View Post
3. Have you ever masturbated and allowed your husband to watch? If not, would you feel comfortable doing this?
Quote:
Originally Posted by thelonesomeone View Post
3. Not really. I'm not comfortable with that. I also don't get an orgasm if he tries fingering me.
@thelonesomeone you do know that doing that is like the #1 fantasy of most married men (to watch their wives masturbate)!!! Odds are he would freak out of so much happiness if you did that for him, that he would turn into a ball of aroused putty in your hands for you to play with and do whatever you want!
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