I'm starting this post after reading the other related post where the wife didn't have any chemistry with the husband.
I'm married for three years and I've had lots of ups and downs in this time. The fact is that I unfortunately never had actual sex before my marriage, but I consider myself a very sexually active person given my experience with my exes. I married this man because he was loving, caring, understanding and intelligent. I found us very compatible. On one of our first dates I remember how aroused we both were, and I could barely breathe the whole time. However I [again unfortunately] avoided having sex that day. He was so so so passionate back then and would keep kissing me too often while he barely brushed his teeth and his breath was intolerable for me; additionally having a sensitive skin, I was getting annoyed with all the scratch his stubs caused around my lips, but I was shy to communicate that with him directly, so I just avoided the kiss whenever I felt my skin is too sore or I can't stand the breath. This went on until we got married, and our wedding day was a very very very stressful day for me for various reasons that I won't get into now. I was exhausted and I had no interest in trying sex that night, but he wanted it and again I couldn't say no. So I just tolerated it until it'd finish. This went on for our extended honeymoon and some more months. He'd want to have sex at many occasions that I wouldn't want but would think: "it's not gonna last long". 4, 5 months later I eventually found out that I'm suffering from serious fungal issues down there and inside which was a big part of why the sex was like a torture for me. After visits to the doctor and medication and avoiding sex for a while, I got better, but still I had that mindset that "it's gonna be sore". To put it in a nutshell, I've never experienced orgasm over these years, nor we've actually had much sex life; apart from a few times when I focused too hard to be present at sex and stop my mind from having other thoughts while having sex, and I got some pleasure out of it, yet without the actual orgasm which lead in a bad headache.
He apparently never understood or read my face how painful it was for me those first months, and a long while later when he learned about that, he was very upset and disappointed. Since then he started being very cautious while having sex, which was no more help for me and was only worsening the whole sex for him as well.
It's been months that we even barely have sex; whenever he's horny, he'd play with me and then masturbate. I almost never get aroused anymore. I'd masturbate here and then but that'd just make me more upset about our sex life.
In addition to all this, our relationship, in my opinion has gone much colder and I'm not sure what to do about it. Previously I'd push things to have them work, I'd like to have more frequent sex so that we can get to learn what we like and what we don't, but he's a man of his own world (possibly with traces of Asperger or OCPD which may apply to myself as well) who makes fixed routines and sticks to them. So his experience is that I don't enjoy sex, so he'll stop trying that!
It's been changing a lot oddly, and looks like he's always pages ahead of me. I did have a lot of passion for him until recent months, but his behaviors have influenced my attitude as well. An example is when he had to move to a small town due to his job and he was insisting that I must stay in the city because it's better for me there. I found it very disappointing, because back then, to me, he was the most important thing. I wouldn't want to live apart to be in the city; however with all the insisting from him for me to stay and attempt to get this fancy job that'd make it worth staying, I thought ok, I'll stay here and leave him alone for a while, maybe he wants all this gap for himself and this thought made me less warm towards him (he's too busy of a person, working over full time and studying and spending the rest of his time on the taxes and accounting side of stuff, so apart from holidays, we barely have regular times together during the week). I kept teaching myself that I must stop being too attached to him and be my own person and not feel too much towards him, and this has reduced the bond to him in our relationship.
I moved to his town a few months later after I failed at getting that job and feeling sick of the distance, etc. Now I was convinced that he was right and it would be better for me to stay, but without a job it made no sense, and I had zero interest in moving to a remote place with little to do and no one to know. I also hated having to look for a place to live in, so he went and saw this place and told me it's reasonable, and given I had zero energy to spend more time living apart, I said ok. When I moved in, I found lots of things about the house that I really disliked, but I couldn't do anything because the landperson had said we can't rent it for less than a year. So I'm trapped here for the past couple of months, counting days down to have this year end, and I have much smaller chance of getting a job here (have heard none back so far).
Another example of how we happen to be on different pages is when I had written some *positive* things about us in a journal, pointing out that I never ever thought of him as my partner the very first time we met (which was for some work reason), but look at us now, we're in love as a happy couple, blah. He was depressed for a few days back then, and then he talked to me about that, saying that he never knew that, and didn't know I was never attracted to him!!
I fought against that thought a lot, because I had no doubts I loved him, and I was in love with him, and that our sex life could be improved by practice, and some thought and collaboration, but that was his logic back then. Months after, seems like I'm convinced that he was probably right; but again, we had that time when [as he explains] would even have sex on the street!
Currently, apart from the commute I'd push myself to have to go to the gym 40 minutes away, and some random walkabouts all on my own, I'm at home alone most of my time.
Before getting married, I was a very independent, active woman who worked in two places and did extra side projects on her little free time and went out with friends on the weekends. Since I've married and moved, apart from the few months that I had a job that I didn't feel super fulfilling, I've turned into a useless, unmotivated, slow, untidy person who doesn't even get to do mandatory house work, and is always stressed in the background for all the things I haven't done while the time is running, and with all things in our marriage, I'm getting more and more frustrated and upset.
I've explained my feelings to him many times, but he says he doesn't have a solution for them especially the sex issues. I've suggested visiting a [sex] therapist, and his constant response is that he can join me to go to one if I want to, but he doesn't think it's gonna help! I myself attempted seeing one once, and she was treating me very top-to-down while didn't even understand what I was talking about, and I felt there's no point of seeing her anymore.
The problem with therapists is that I have to keep trying them one by one until I find the one that suits me, and since this is not covered in insurance, that's gonna cost a fortune that I can't afford.
I also hate having to lead everything, as he can be very passive when he's caught up with all the stuff he has to do to financially.
I've attempted buying lots of books to read to seek help, I may follow them for a short time but then I'll bounce back to my frustrated, (maybe insulting) self in our discussions/arguments.
A while back there was some flirty person at the gym who just made me alert of my existing, but turned-off sexual desires as well as lighting up my heart to have some motivation to progress in my life. Obviously, as a faithful person, I was so so so frustrated at my feelings, but also upset to learn that I still have all those desires that don't ignite with my husband.
I used to get lots and lots and lots of emotional support from my family before I got married, but I've lost it all since I'm living away from them. My husband is supportive in many ways, but I still feel this gap in my heart needs to be filled to get me moving. He used to ask if he could do anything if I were upset before, but nowadays he's just ignoring me completely, especially if he has to study or work to do, because he thinks paying too much attention to me with not much progress only leads him in failing at his exams or work. All he'd say is that it's natural for me to feel horrible because I'm alone and lonely, etc. We were having some talk yesterday that turned into an argument, in response to me saying I didn't choose a bunch of stuff, he said: "but you chose to marry me", and my not-well-thought response was: "yes, but I didn't know you..." and seeing his mot super happy face, I tried cleaning up my mess by adding: "that you'd like to piss me off to get your own work done".
Sorry if this is too much of irrelevant rant, but I had thought well before getting married and I didn't have doubts back then; and my husband is a nice person in general who loves me (I think!) and I'd like to get around these problems to improve our life together rather than getting to more bitter places. So I'd appreciate any useful advice.