Transactional sex

Sawney Beane · 10-08-2011, 07:18 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by chillymorn

with this analogy are you saying sex should not be an expecation of marriage?

its the old which came first her with holding sex or him with holding money.

The way it's expressed it makes it sound less like an expectation and more like an obligation or ultimatum.

Your boss says "Do this crap job you don't like or I'll fire you!" does this make you love your boss?

If a husband says to the wife "Drop 'em or I kick you out! does this make her love her husband?

In a boss / worker relationship, you expect there to be a degree of deference. Is marriage the same?

michzz · 10-08-2011, 10:59 AM

Sawney, this is exactly why I started the thread.

To me, the best situation is two people, each giving of them self because they want to and as a result they receive at least as good as they give.

Being serviced is a big turn off.

And obligatory servicing is too.
Posted via Mobile Device

unbelievable · 10-08-2011, 11:05 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Sawney Beane

If your boss asked you to drop 'em and take one, would you? After all, he does pay you.

If that was the relationship I signed up for, then I would. Before I hired on with my boss, it was clear to both of us what each expected of the other. Luckily, having sex with my boss wasn't a condition of my employment. It was a clear condition of marriage. Whether we're talking about sexual expectations or any other sort, ignoring your spouse's needs is a recipe for disaster. My wife likes to receive backrubs and have her hair brushed. Those things make her feel loved. Regardless of how I personally feel, I give backrubs and I brush hair because her wellbeing is important to me. If I refused, my inaction is telling her that I don't take her needs seriously, therefore, she isn't important to me. My refusal turns the relationship into a one-sided, exploitive one.

Sawney Beane · 10-08-2011, 11:19 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by michzz

Sawney, this is exactly why I started the thread.

To me, the best situation is two people, each giving of them self because they want to and as a result they receive at least as good as they give.

Being serviced is a big turn off.

And obligatory servicing is too.
Posted via Mobile Device

Exactly. The ideal is love, respect and a mutual regard for what both want. However, there's a strong school of thought that if you can't have what you want then duty, obligation and deference to your demands are "good enough" and should be enforced.

deejov · 10-08-2011, 11:26 AM

UB,
And that's life in a nutshell. All of society is based on an exchange.
Time for money. You must do this in order to get that. If not, you will fail school, get fired, or not get "paid".

Then you come home to your wife, and why does it seem so strange that the same concept does not apply? Why do you not understand why your wife denies you sex? Why should she work for free? You wouldn't.

It might seem harsh to call it transactional sex. But it is. So ante up.

Personally, I'm in a bad spot right now and I really like the thought of just paying to have my needs satisfied. Why not? I'm not interested in bartering feelings. But that's a great idea!!!

that_girl · 10-08-2011, 11:31 AM

I do not understand this thread...

Is it for people who aren't getting sex? I don't understand the mentality of people who withhold sex because of x,y,z...

deejov · 10-08-2011, 11:46 AM

that girl,
I dont understand it either. But a lot of people do with-hold sex because of x, y, z. Didn't do your job right? Then you don't get paid. That's how the world works.

So call it what it is. Transactional. If you did your job right, you shoulod get paid.

that_girl · 10-08-2011, 11:50 AM

lol. That's stupid. I'd rather be single and get sex when I want it than have my husband keep score O_o

We joke about it sometimes...like when he fixes something in the house, he says "that will be 1200 dollars, but you can work it off later" lollll I know I'd get it even if he didn't do anything around the house. But having a handyman for a husband is pretty damn sexy

We've just never withheld sex for any reason...

deejov · 10-08-2011, 12:05 PM

Yes, it is stupid. But that's how a lot of people view sex.
They go to a job, get paid and keep their job if they do things right.
Then they go home to their spouse, and mentally do the same thing.
Judge and decide if behavior's warrant sex. I'm mad at you because you don't treat me right, therefore no sex. It's all about me.

It's a transactional society. We are the minority. Seriously.
If that's how people think... then by all means use that strategy if it keeps you satisfied in the bedroom.

I think part of the problem is people don't even state what the rules are. You guys are supposed to figure that out. Good luck with that!

that_girl · 10-08-2011, 12:08 PM

People just need to lighten up.

I guess I wouldn't like sex either if it was used as a commodity. lol.

deejov · 10-08-2011, 12:16 PM

But it is!
Reading posts on here.. advice given to men who are in a sexless marriage... Barter. counselling? Barter. Do this and do that. Then she will have sex with you. Explain to her you need it. If she loves you, she will give you what you want.
Even the man up and 180.
Yes, the concept is to take back control of your own life and get yourself straight. The rest is gravy. If you man up.. she will think you are sexy and want to have sex with you. Exchange one behavior for another. Nothing wrong with the concept. That's life in today's society.
So it's more about "what can I barter to get more sex".
The sky is the limit. And it's a good idea. Let's be honest about it.

90% of people.. if you are getting enough sex to keep you happy, you have found a bartering system that works for both of you. Awesome! The other 10%? You are able to keep it separate. Sex is enjoyment, and there is no bartering involved. Awesome.

unbelievable · 10-08-2011, 12:27 PM

I make no demands of my wife or anyone else and I don't have to. If a relationship doesn't add anything positive to my life and I can't fix it, sooner or later, I will abandon the relationship (just like everyone else with a brain). It's illogical to imagine one can ignore the most basic needs of their partner and remain married forever. My boss doesn't demand I come to work and pay attention to his wishes. If I don't, he will just fire me. No sane person pursues an unproducutive or injurous path forever. If I choose to punch my wife in the face every day, I'm choosing for her to leave me. She doesn't to demand that I treat her with respect. It's understood that she gets what she needs or I can't have a relationship with her.

deejov · 10-08-2011, 12:51 PM

UB, I agree with you.
Which is why I decided to get off the barter system.
I am not getting what I need from this relationship, so I"m out.
I will ONLY get what I want if I am willing to barter, trade, and do something in return. There is a cost to getting my needs met.
Just like a job. Not acceptable to me.

I have fired my husband.

that_girl · 10-08-2011, 02:03 PM

I begged for sex in a relationship. He was a douche and would "give it up" when he felt like it and it was bad sex to boot.

I left. I thought, I'm 25 years old and this CANNOT be my life.

Eff that. If I had to barter, beg, plead for sex....either my marriage would become "open" or I'd hit the road.

Sawney Beane · 10-08-2011, 02:16 PM

Thinking you'll have sex because you love another is not unreasonable.

Thinking you'll have sex because you go out to work and do an unpleasant job or stay at home and clean the toilets isn't.

Neither is sitting down and working out that 6.74732 back rubs = one blowjob or something similarly mercenary.