Encouraging wife to talk - Talk About Marriage
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post #1 of 13 (permalink) Old 10-09-2011, 07:41 AM Thread Starter
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Encouraging wife to talk

My wife of 10 years(and emotional partner for 15+) enjoys regular sex whenever we both are in the mood which is great. Unfortunately she gives no priority to her own pleasure, sex seems to be only for my pleasure which often reduces my enjoyment of the moment.

Any attempt at foreplay is always cut short. Even when she is in the mood, she is very uncomfortable when I attempt to manually stimulate her breasts and genitals and she just wants to get straight into a short session of sex and often tells me how good it felt afterwards even though she rarely reaches orgasm.

Whenever I tell her I love her so much and the reason I want to touch her so much is so we can both enjoy a greater sexual experience together she says(depending on the situation) "I don't need that" or "I'm not comfortable with that". If I take control(not forcibly) and manually stimulate her, she will "put up with it" for a few minutes and IF she occasionally lets me kiss anywhere under her navel(including her belly AND legs) she has a total look of disgust on her face.

As a totally committed and loving husband I so much want my wife to experience complete sexual satisfaction rather than just having sex for MY benefit. After all, believe it or not, most of MY satisfaction relies on satisfying my beautiful wife.

The most difficult thing for me is that there may be something in her upbringing or a past relationship that stops her from realising her sexual potential and also makes her shut down any attempt from me to try and discuss this.

I feel rejected when she is not comfortable with me touching her(apart from normal sex) and even more rejected when she still won't discuss such an intimate issue after 15 years. I trust everything in my life with her but she still seems to have some emotional barriers with me. How can I overcome her fear of discussing our sex life in an honest and open way?

We rarely argue and after many years of sexual frustration I need to find a way to encourage my beautiful wife to talk to me about HER part in our sexual relationship.

Last edited by jumble; 10-09-2011 at 08:38 PM.
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post #2 of 13 (permalink) Old 10-10-2011, 06:33 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Encouraging wife to talk

Am I the only husband that wants his wife to enjoy sex for her total pleasure instead of her only taking part for MY benefit?
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post #3 of 13 (permalink) Old 10-10-2011, 07:38 AM
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Re: Encouraging wife to talk

Tie her up, pull out the vibe .

Maybe you should see if she's willing to go to marriage counseling. Let her know you aprreciate that she wants to please you but hurt because you feel you don't do the same for her. I don't know if you can do much besides encouragement if it is something from her past that is causing her to be less open sexually. Maybe the MC can get her to talk to an IC. She may not want to fully open up about the issue to you because she feels you will see her in a bad light. Be encouraging and loving but also let her know your concern is for her and her happiness.

In thy foul throat thou liest.
― William Shakespeare, Richard III

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post #4 of 13 (permalink) Old 10-10-2011, 09:30 AM
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Re: Encouraging wife to talk

No, I daresay you are not the only husband that wants your wife to enjoy sex for her benefit as well as for your own.

Whether she has an aversion to sex in general or to a specific act(s) that developed from something in childhood, moral/religious beliefs, or simply not having her emotional needs met within your marriage, as a husband there are some things that you can do to help her out.

1 Create a trusting and respectful environment whereby she doesn't feel coerced in to doing things she is uncomfortable with. You have to slowly, but surely, work your way up to those things, taking baby steps. You can take the leadership role in this initiative.

2 Work on trying to meet the emotional needs she may have in your marriage for affection and conversation outside of the bedroom. Thereby, creating #1 above - a trusting environment. Here's an article that may be beneficial for you to read. As well, this article has a link to it to another one detailing how to oversome sexual aversions. The question of the ages: How can a husband receive the sex he needs in marriage? by Dr. Willard F. Harley, Jr.

Best wishes.

Enter these enchanted woods, You who dare. ~ George Meredith
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post #5 of 13 (permalink) Old 10-10-2011, 09:42 AM
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Re: Encouraging wife to talk

Try letting her read some of the posts on here from others . She doesn't have to know your the poster if that would make her feel uncomfortable or angry. My wife just read a thread on TAM yesterday on a topic we had been discussing. I just casually asked her if she would check this thread out. Sometimes that works better for me because she can see other couples with the same issues or another point of view. Also some people may have a better way with words and make it clearer or less like knit picking. The results were gratifying and we didn't fight to get them. Good luck my friend !

" Get busy living, or get busy dying." Andy Dufresne
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post #6 of 13 (permalink) Old 10-10-2011, 08:02 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Encouraging wife to talk

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Originally Posted by Kobo View Post
Maybe you should see if she's willing to go to marriage counseling. Let her know you aprreciate that she wants to please you but hurt because you feel you don't do the same for her. I don't know if you can do much besides encouragement if it is something from her past that is causing her to be less open sexually. Maybe the MC can get her to talk to an IC. She may not want to fully open up about the issue to you because she feels you will see her in a bad light. Be encouraging and loving but also let her know your concern is for her and her happiness.
Being very old fashioned, her idea of a MC is for couples on the brink of divorce, which definitely is not us as we are mostly a very happy and satisfied couple. Suggesting MC would most likely make her think I am really dissatisfied and our relationship is on the rocks creating a lot of unnecessary anxiety for her. As for her past, she was brought up in a very strict family, was never taught about sex either at home or school(not even any schoolyard banter with her close friends). She was married for a short time before our relationship and her ex was unfaithful. But I don't know if there was any abuse, either physical or emotional during her previous marriage or during her upbringing that has affected her sexual shyness.

I don't want to suggest subjects from her past that may never have existed, but if there is issues, I would like to help her deal with them so we can move forward with no frustration from either side. No doubt she gets a bit frustrated when I try some things and I get frustrated because she won't let me and won't discuss it. And I'm not talking about unusual sexual activities, just simple things like wanting to manually stimulate and even perform oral on her occasionally. She is very sexual in the bedroom and has relaxed somewhat over the years but only wants regular quick intercourse and doesn't mind different positions, but foreplay is almost non-existant and her orgasm seems unimportant to her.

No doubt she does want to be a good wife etc and possibly doesn't want me to view her in a bad light, but I can't think of anything she could tell me that would make me love her any less. In fact I would feel even closer because she was comfortable being open and discussing her thoughts.

Thanks for those links Enchantment, very good reading and solid advice. My biggest problem in resolving this though is getting her to talk or read something without it making it sound like I'm criticising her, or her feeling she is a bad wife or something because she certainly is not. But talking about sex or relationships is very uncomfortable for her. Even if there is something a little sexual in a magazine she flips straight past it so getting her to read forums or a book to sow a seed and start a conversation might be a little tricky unless I can somehow make it appear as a little distant from the matter at hand initially and slowly work from there.

I know not to expect any major results in the short term and am willing to work at this but I can't think of a way to take the first step without causing her to be too uncomfortable. I would much prefer to accept what we have than to push her away by pressuring her into something she really is against for whatever reason. But I obviously would still like to have some discussion so I can understand why she feels like she does.

What are some of the first little unobtrusive steps or things I can suggest that may start the process?
Possibly something a little bit cheeky(not too overt or vulgar) or fun(and saving the more serious side when she can relax a bit more on the subject) might work in or out of the bedroom like a game or a survey we do together might work. Any suggestions or thoughts.
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post #7 of 13 (permalink) Old 10-11-2011, 12:48 AM
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Re: Encouraging wife to talk

Quote:
Originally Posted by Enchantment View Post
No, I daresay you are not the only husband that wants your wife to enjoy sex for her benefit as well as for your own.

Whether she has an aversion to sex in general or to a specific act(s) that developed from something in childhood, moral/religious beliefs, or simply not having her emotional needs met within your marriage, as a husband there are some things that you can do to help her out.

1 Create a trusting and respectful environment whereby she doesn't feel coerced in to doing things she is uncomfortable with. You have to slowly, but surely, work your way up to those things, taking baby steps. You can take the leadership role in this initiative.

2 Work on trying to meet the emotional needs she may have in your marriage for affection and conversation outside of the bedroom. Thereby, creating #1 above - a trusting environment. Here's an article that may be beneficial for you to read. As well, this article has a link to it to another one detailing how to oversome sexual aversions. The question of the ages: How can a husband receive the sex he needs in marriage? by Dr. Willard F. Harley, Jr.

Best wishes.
Nailed it.

Cheers,

rotor
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post #8 of 13 (permalink) Old 10-11-2011, 08:49 AM
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Re: Encouraging wife to talk

Quote:
Originally Posted by jumble View Post
What are some of the first little unobtrusive steps or things I can suggest that may start the process?
Possibly something a little bit cheeky(not too overt or vulgar) or fun(and saving the more serious side when she can relax a bit more on the subject) might work in or out of the bedroom like a game or a survey we do together might work. Any suggestions or thoughts.
Well, I say take ownership of your sexual relationship with your wife.

Some suggestions - to start off slowly with:

1 Set the mood
If you always make love in the dark, then get some small scented candles and light your bedroom with them.

Set the mood. Honestly - come home one day with some new really nice soft sheets. Make the bed yourself. Tell her you want your love 'nest' to be as soft and comfortable for her as possible.

I've seen others on TAM recommend a "better/worse" type of massage or touching. You touch them say firmly, then lightly and ask which is better/worse. Move to all areas of the body. That way you can get to know what arouses them.

2 Use your voice
Use your tone of voice during sex. Sometimes my husband uses kind of a gruff, commanding voice - "Move your leg here", "Kneel there", "Come here". Other times (this is my favorite one) he uses kind of a hoarse guttural whisper. Can't help responding to someone who seems to be deep in the throes of passion - and it's all for YOU!

If you are usually both fairly quiet, then you start being a little less quiet. It doesn't have to be faked, porn star loud, but letting her hear your enjoyment can go a long way.

You can also put on some soft music during lovemaking if you or she may feel uncomfortable with others hearing.

3 Give her attention and affection.
Give her attention throughout the day. Start with conversation. Talk with each other. Listen to her. Laugh with her. Find a slightly ribald joke and tell her one each day. Do it with a quirky smile and raised eyebrows, and a wink. Infuse some lightness and humor in to the situation.

Give her non-sexual physical affection. Here's some examples:How to Meet the Need for Affection Letter #1

4 Move her.
During sex, if you don't verbalize what you would like her to do, then simply move her. My husband moves my hands, my legs, grabs my waist and moves my entire body. (Of course, I do the same with him, and she may get to that point if she starts to feel comfortable.)

5 Study up
And, if you need some help with some ideas, here are some books you may want to check out:

Amazon.com: 101 Nights of Grrreat Romance: Secret Sealed Seductions for Fun-Loving Couples (9780962962820): Laura Corn: Books

Amazon.com: 101 Nights of Grrreat Sex: Secret Sealed Seductions for Fun-Loving Couples (9780962962813): Laura Corn: Books

Amazon.com: 52 Invitations To Grrreat Sex: It All Begins with a Lick (9780974259918): Laura Corn: Books

Amazon.com: 52 Weeks Of Passionate Sex: Melanie Votaw: Books

Best wishes.

Enter these enchanted woods, You who dare. ~ George Meredith
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post #9 of 13 (permalink) Old 10-11-2011, 02:56 PM
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Re: Encouraging wife to talk

This seems odd for me to suggest but there is a board game for adults called "Enchanting Evening" that may be just the thing for her. It's not lewd or crass and it's well designed to generate intimacy that naturally escalates as the game progresses. Combined with a bottle of champagne I'm sure it'll provide a great framework for her to start opening up about sex in a fun way that doesn't make her too uncomfortable.
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post #10 of 13 (permalink) Old 10-11-2011, 06:48 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Encouraging wife to talk

Thanks Enchantment. Most of what you have suggested I/We already do and there is little trouble getting her in the mood to enjoy sex. The problem is more that she doesn't realise how much more she could enjoy intimacy with some manual stimulation for example before/during intercourse. It seems common for most women not to orgasm through intercourse only and a little extra stimulation from me will hopefully increase the pleasure enormously for her and in turn for me too.

I give her massages from time to time and eventually work my way between her legs hoping to get her well on the way before intercourse but either my hand gets pushed away, she squeezes her legs together so hard my hand almost breaks or she stops the massage and jumps me like a nympho. Actually I don't mind when the latter happens but I enjoy it so much I finish way before she even gets a chance to and thats where she's happy for the session to end, with her satisfied that she's pleasured her man. Unfortunately to me it seems to be that she is missing out way to often without realising or caring.

I really want to work with her to help her experience fantastic orgasms regularly so that she EXPECTS them rather than accepting that the rare orgasm is just a bonus if it happens. I know she really does enjoy sex with me but not as much as she potentially could if she allowed me to touch her before/during intercourse. But trying to explain that to her is difficult as she becomes uncomfortable TALKING about sex and generally cuts the conversation short very quickly before I get a chance to express myself fully on the matter.

No doubt she knows my intentions from the many times I have tried to touch her during foreplay and attempted to discuss it, so maybe I'm being too conservative with her on the subject and perhaps forcing to sit and listen or read a book on the subject or something might be the way to go as the gentle approach has not worked over the many years.

Last edited by jumble; 10-11-2011 at 07:45 PM.
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post #11 of 13 (permalink) Old 10-11-2011, 08:56 PM
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Re: Encouraging wife to talk

Hmmm... your last post presents a little different dimension on the issue than your first post did.

Is she willing to work on it with you - I mean if she's willing to play a sex game with you, why wouldn't she want to work on trying different things to achieve an orgasm? I think for some women achieving an orgasm can sometimes be like a herculean feat - it is just not always that easy.

Here's a site you can both look at: Give Her An Orgasm - GiveHerAnOrgasm.com

Tons of books you can work through together: Amazon.com: how to give her an orgasm

I hope she will be willing to try with you. Ultimately, every person is responsible for their own orgasm - they have to want to be willing to try to achieve one. Being uptight, figuratively and literally, is usually a sure-fire way to not have one.

And don't put too much pressure on her to have an orgasm - that could cause her to feel a bit insecure and make her want to try even less. Do you think she feels this way at all?

Best wishes.

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post #12 of 13 (permalink) Old 10-11-2011, 09:18 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Encouraging wife to talk

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Originally Posted by Enchantment View Post
Hmmm... your last post presents a little different dimension on the issue than your first post did.

Is she willing to work on it with you - I mean if she's willing to play a sex game with you, why wouldn't she want to work on trying different things to achieve an orgasm? I think for some women achieving an orgasm can sometimes be like a herculean feat - it is just not always that easy.

I hope she will be willing to try with you. Ultimately, every person is responsible for their own orgasm - they have to want to be willing to try to achieve one. Being uptight, figuratively and literally, is usually a sure-fire way to not have one.

And don't put too much pressure on her to have an orgasm - that could cause her to feel a bit insecure and make her want to try even less. Do you think she feels this way at all?
Sorry for not be clear Enchantment, but it can be a little difficult to express my thoughts about such a personal topic. Ultimately there are 2 issues I suppose. Firstly I want to be able to have sex for her pleasure and not just her satisfying me as a good wife. Secondly the fact that she doesn't seem concerned that she rarely orgasms and won't discuss it with me.

I'm not sure how much she is willing to work with me on this as she is uncomfortable discussing sex and the conversation get shutdown fairly quickly one way or another. Also I don't know if she realises the potential her body has for her own pleasure
and she seems uncomfortable when I suggest nicely to her. So I don't know if its insecurity or disgust or past experience or something completely different because she never lets the conversation get that far.

I do try very hard not to pressure her but it is so frustrating that she doesn't care about completely letting go with me and that she makes it difficult for me to find a way to encourage her to talk.

I guess I need to work out a nice way that forces her to at least listen to my feelings. Any other subject she is always ready and willing to talk and we help each other but this subject is off limits as far as discussions go.

Last edited by jumble; 10-11-2011 at 09:32 PM.
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post #13 of 13 (permalink) Old 10-12-2011, 06:34 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Encouraging wife to talk

Any suggestions the best way to get this conversation started with a wife who is uncomfortable talking about sex without being offensive or critical? I definitely don't want her to think she is letting me down as she isn't I just want us both to gain more pleasure during our intimate times.
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